I'm rather enjoying blogging

Really. I think its probally pretty healthy to release without worry of judgement. I find myself able to type things that I'd otherwise hold inside.

I haven't cried for 2 and a half days. It feels amazing. I was getting so tired of that feeling, you know how you feel after you've cried. And the puffy eyes, ick.

Today was good, I only had to work the one main job and for 6 hrs, then came home and de-weeded the garden. This is where I found out just how much the cats have been using it as their own little potty. Bitches!!

Went for a nice long walk with Trucker, cleaned out the file cabinet, putting taxes up,etc. I shredded taxes from clear back in 92!! Then, not being able to decide what we wanted for dinner, DH wisked me away to town for pizza. A real treat since we rarely eat out anymore due to financial reasons. And so it goes, now I'm just chillin' out. Doesn't seem I get the chance to really just hang out much anymore so I'm enjoying it.

In my recent journey for self improvement and making myself happy(I've finally realized no one can do that for me, its all up to me), I've came to the decision that while not thrilled in my married life, its ok. That worries me tho. Granted, we got married when I was 18, I realize now that I was probally too young to make such a big decision. I'm just wondering if this is normal. This feeling of not being crazy in love and thrilled to spend the rest of your life with someone. I'm not unhappy either, just....ok? Things arn't bad. Its just not like I imagained it would be. I asked DH if he's happy in our marraige and he said "of course". But I know him too well, I KNOW he wouldn't tell me, even if he felt doomed. He then shot the question back to me. I ignored him. I keep thinking what a fantastic man he is, would never lift a finger to me,etc. But then I think of his shortcomings. I remember how he used to tell me daily how beautiful I was, how lucky he felt to have me be his wife. I can't remember the last time I've gotten more than a simple "love you" at bedtime. There is never any pillow talk. We just lay here watching tv until one of us turns our back to the other. I do believe he still loves me, and I know I love him. I think how I would feel if something happened to him, you know bad accident and he died(warped huh?), and I know I would be miserable without him. So maybe thats my reassurance that we should still be together.

Our sex life isn't great and I blame that partially on me, and my dwindeling drive since beginning Celexa, and the fact that I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin. I don't feel sexy.Ever. I think DH has just gotten tired of asking, he's tired of being turned down. And, I'm tired a lot. Working 2 jobs, most nights it just seems like the effort isn't worth it. And of course, with the m/c still so recent, it hasn't really been possible or on either of our minds.

Maybe we're just in a rut. Maybe there is no happily ever after. Maybe I need to put forth more effort. Maybe we both do. I know marriage takes work and to be honest, I can see neither of us really works at it like we should. I don't want to mess up a good thing. Notice I said good thing. Not great. Maybe good is as good as it gets?

The greatest love of my life...

maybe not the greatest but definately something very important to me and something I have a deep rooted affection for. My DH? My nephew? Friends? My car? My home? Nope.

FOOD. I freaking love good food. It makes me feel happy(and sometimes I'm convinced sad). At one point during the ttc bit, I was certain that if I lost weight, I'd fall pg right away. While losing weight did regulate my cycles to something resembling normal, I didn't get pg. Slowly, I packed the weight back on. I don't take full responsibility for it, claiming that a new job pretty much restricted my exercise(partly true but the new job didn't force the big macs and sweet tea down my throat). So 65 pounds lost, 60 or so gained back. Yeah, its depressing. However, you really have to fully commit to the idea of a lifestyle change in order to make the diet/exercise thing work. I simply can't. I'm trying to watch what I eat, but right now, I just don't care. I def. don't want to gain anymore! Ahh,this is just getting depressing SO I'm gonna talk about the good part, the foods I love!

Tonight we had family dinner night, my turn and since I had to work till 4, it was one of those 'throw something simple and fast together' types of dinners. It turned out great. We had bbq chicken, baked beans, corn casserole, potatoe salad, and homemade slaw followed by a very yummy cake my mom makes. Last night, we had steak, baked potatoes and WILTED LETTUCE. OMG, LOVE wilted lettuce! Can't thank the person who came up with that one enough!

I simply can't wait till the cucumbers, new potatoes, tomatoes, onions and all the other goodies my FIL grows in his massive garden to come up. I'm craving the hot summer days that you go out to pick dinner. Last year, he planted over 2000(thats right THOUSAND) tomatoe plants. Sadly, last yrs garden didn't do as wonderful as previous yrs, both because of the season temps and conditions and because of FILs stroke and our inability to keep up with helping in the garden like we would have liked to.

DH had mentioned today that if it can get warm and stay there for a few days, we'll be able to go out mushroom hunting soon. Only once a year do the morals come up, and boy is it a yummy time of the year.

While I'm on the topic of food, I've agreed to host this years easter dinner so in my planning, so far I'm making this yummy jello and strawberry salad, dh will smoke the ham, and then the usuals, green bean casserole,deviled eggs, etc. I'll probally only do 3 sides and leave the rest up to mom and SIL. I'm sure as usual there will be tons of leftovers. I'm not a big fan of leftovers so I usually divide it up between everyone sending it home with them, lol. Once I've ate it, I have no desire to eat it again immediatly.

I guess its obvious that any one who could write such a long blog about food, is pretty in to it, LOL. Off for a bowl of ice cream now haha

Selfish or Selfless?

It has come to my attention that most all fertiles who have never had any real difficultly getting pg completely regard the entire ordeal from the point hpt turns + to the point of death as one of lifes biggest achievements. I also think mostly, "normal" people think giving life is the most selfless thing one can do. I beg to differ. I know that throughout the years of ttc, followed by just not giving a shit weather or not it happened followed by most recently a pregnancy ending in m/c, that at least part of the reason I've wanted it so badly in the past is for very selfish reasons. I have a feeling that I'm not the only one. Afterall, no one wants to be alone, we all crave the biological connection with a child of our own. Most of the women I know who have suffered loss and long term ttc would give their right arm and left leg literally to be able to experience the joys of motherhood. Maybe its not completely selfish, but its definately not selfless either. I have thought of conducting a bit of an experiment and ask people at random weather they think "giving their life up to raise their child is in anyway selfish"....People like my SIL who had no trouble with conception. But I'm not as tough as I used to be, LOL. Still it would be interesting to know if any of those people realize that thier choice, and the reasoning behind their choice of having children(their "greatest achievement in life") is/was somewhat selfish. Of course if it is completely selfless(or so they claim) then that just really shows how arrogent they are, that they think so much of themselves, of their genes to pass those things on to offspring, like they are giving back to the world. Now I'm just rambling, but still something interesting to think about.

On a lighter note, I've got 2 rose bushes and a bunch of seeds and bulbs to plant but we're supposed to be getting some snow tomorrow sometime so I've decided I'd better hold off and see if we do. It would be good on the one hand(the snow) because flies, japenese flying beatles, even snakes and ticks are already out here so a final freeze would kill all that junk which would make for a happier summer. However, the apple trees are already blooming so our apple crop would be crap for this year if a good freeze got the trees. Which means no homemade apple butter and jelly this year(my usual xmas gift to friends and fam).

I'd better run, I'm watching the most amazing episode of dog whisperer!

virgin blogger

I've fought it as long as possible. I've finally figured out I need an outlet, for the good the bad and the ugly. Unfortunately, right now, its all mostly ugly. I got one of those emails recently, you know the ones you answer with your own thoughts and then send on? Well, one of the questions was about my biggest fear. The very first thing that came to my mind was "I caused my m/c". I immediatly went about reassuring myself that no, I wasn't responsible for the loss but have since recieving that email, been questioning myself about it. Alot, actually. I worry that the celexa I'm taking was the culprit, I worry that I wasn't on a prenatal, I worry that I had got insanely drunk 2 weeks prior to finding out I was pg(in looking back I'm sure I would have tested + at that time-I had to be 6 weeks+ by the time I got a +hpt). I worry that I don't eat right, that I don't have my IR under control. While I KNOW crack heads get pg at the drop of a hat when not even wanting to, I still feel very very guilty. I think "if only I would have known sooner" or "if only.......". I could have done this, or this, or that. After so long of ttc, we really had began to come to terms with living a childless life, so we did nothing to prevent. Now, I feel foolish,and guilty. This is really eating at me, I've got to find some way to just let it be instead of my usual running myself down on the inside. I can't hold on to this, it is what it is. But somehow, in the back of my mind, the guilt lingers. I even dream about it. The scariest one was last night, I dreamed that someone came to my home, handed me a newborn baby which I took into our home, brought into my bedroom and laid the baby on the bed. Then I turned my back and left while the baby screamed and cried. I just turned my back on that child, and left the room. Symbolic or am I really losing it? Probally a little bit of both.

I've always been like this. When we were seeing the REs, my biggest fear was having all tests ran only to be told that they don't know why I can't get pg. To me, that would have been the worst diagnosis, not knowing what to do because you don't know what the cause is. I guess thats the same conflict that I'm having now. I so desperately wnat to know whats the purpose of this loss. Why after so long of trying were we given this wonderful miracle only to have it taken from me? Like in the early days of ttc, I blame myself. I can't help it. I have self esteem, I am great at motivating others, cheering them on in their struggles but myself, it seems I always turn my struggles inward, and blame myself. I know it can't be healthy but being realistic, nothing was ideal when we found out I was pg. So why do I feel like this? Why do I hate myself and deep deep down feel responsible? Because I am?