heat wave and other stuff

Seems we have have missed the warm but not-too-warm, sunny but not sunburn sunny, some wind but not too windy spring days we're supposed to get here in Mo. Its gone straight to hot. Granted, its manageable, not overly humid like in the middle of summer, but its getting there. I feel like someone pissed in my cheerios, screwed me out of the best season. Guess I shouldn't complain,I know many places are still dealing with winter type weather so I'll take it and smile--what else is there? I've been getting an insane amt of gardening done, planted 2 teeny tiny burning bushes down the driveway, one on each side. Also planted some naked ladys and hyacinths earlier today. First on the list when I got home from work today was to pull off the clothes and get as close as naked as possible without making the neighbors talk so I could go outside and get things in order(not sure why i worry, the nearest neighbor isn't in view). After pittling around in the garden, I noticed my hummingbirds are out. YAY! Then, I managed to mow about 1/4th of the front yard(its a massive front yard).

In my recent quest of soul searching & self discovery, and in taking a good look at everything, I'm come to a bit of a realization. Well, it was part "me" and part of a HUGE arguement with dh the other night. I never really give him credit for his feelings, I have always gone about a lot of things in our marriage in a manner where I tell him "we're done ttc, I can't take it anymore" or "you will help me more around the house since your not working or I'll leave you". I never mentioned ttc since the m/c. He didn't know if we were or weren't or were ever going to again or not. I just left him in limbo, like that isn't a big enough issue that we need not discuss it? Being a father is every bit as big of a deal as being a mother. Afterall, he's not just along for the ride. Granted, I didn't even really know what I wanted myself but to not discuss it. To ignore the issue?? ....He feared mentioning it to me because my moods are sooooo sparatic, he was just going with the flow. Even tho he didn't really even know what the flow was. I'm ashamed to say, I've been very difficult at many times, pretty unbarable as a wife. He takes it because he loves me. I feel like crap knowing that the man I love with all my heart has no idea whats going on in my mind. Its so wrong to shut him out, if anything this is the time we need to cling to one another. Stick together, the hardest times are when you need that more than anytime. I had no idea that while trying to protect him from the deepest darkest times of my life that I was actually pulling him down with me by NOT sharing, by shutting down.

So, as these things tend to do, it all finally came to a head. DH actually left for the night. Without a doubt, one of the hardest nights of my life but I believe I.....No, WE both needed it. It forced me to face things I may have never delt with otherwise. I knew things between us weren't great but out of....laziness(?), I just wouldn't face it or try to do anything about it. Maybe after 9 yrs of marraige I felt secure. I wasn't scared he'd run out and cheat on me, I wasn't scared of losing him, I wasn't scared of any of that. Maybe thats overly secure? Maybe it just felt like too much to face at that time?? In any event, I have decided that if anything in the world is worth the effort, its my marriage. I don't just want it to work, I want to be happy, I believe that I can be happy with my marriage, I just have to put forth the effort. I want dh to be happy too. To know that my DH was giving up hope on me, on US, kills me. I sulked for a couple of days afterwards, just feeling so guilty but somehow I found an inner strength that thought was long gone, stolen. I had felt so weak for so long, I didn't know if that strength was even a part of my being anymore. I found out its a huge part of ME. It combined with my stubborness has brought me a new frame of mind as of recent. I'm beginning to feel peace again, like I may not control everything I'd like but I can control something. My reactions to events, my actions towards my husband.

Yep, I'm gonna be al' right.