so much to blog, so little time...

I think about starting a blog almost everyday. Its much much easier to throw together one sentance and post it on facebook. Although I'm finding myself irritated more and more these days with facebook world- or actually irritated with myself and who I add as friends. Don't get me wrong, I have reconnected with so many people that I wondered if I've ever see or talk to again but I feel fake for constantly congratulating people who are newly pg or their so-and-so who just had a baby. And yet, I feel like a jerk if I don't congratulate. Its just one word, congratulations, and while it typically is heartfelt, its often times inappropraite things like "we're really hoping its a boy since we've already got 3 little girls in the family". I just want to scream WHO CARES(about the gender that is). But instead I do the proper congratulations and/or comment on the adorable pictures and feel beaten. Not beaten like IF used to make me feel but beaten because if I were willing to make a poor me post on fb *wish I could pg, wish my body worked right, wish dhs count and quality of sperm was better, wish my baby wouldn't have died*(you get the picture)- these are the exact same people who would not respond or would give me some kind of religious speech. Yeah well let your baby die, let your child have a m/c after years or IF, you try it all out and see if you can find a reason that makes it ok....Bottom line is this: for me, facebook is kind of fake. Maybe I'm the one whose fake. I like to know whats going on with old friends, and to keep up with extended family that I sometimes go years without seeing but its not always safe. You pop onto facebook and there it is, staring you in the face. You read and sometimes wish you wouldn't have. But whatever...I guess if you want to keep up with them, you keep up with anything they want to share. I don't wish misery on any of them, far from it. I just wish people had a bit more tact sometimes.

Speaking of which, as bitter as that sounds, I'm really not anymore. At least not much. I gave up on figuring out "why me". It just is what it is. I am infertile. I may never have children. I will survive. I've got a pretty damned good life as is. This is alienating me a bit from the IF online community I've grown to love and depend on for so many years. I'm not in that same place anymore, I find it hard to relate. When I do try to support, I feel its too much or not recieved correctly. When I read a blog or a post somewhere from someone new to IUI or IVF, and they are hopeful and excited, I have to tell myself to *not* rain on their parade, to not ruin their optimism. Afterall, it could work. I do hope for them that it does. I just know how bad it can feel when it doesn't. I find it hard to cheer them on, I don't want to contribute to that optimism until they have a happy healthy baby in thier arms. So, while I'm very happy to be on a road of healing after years of IF hell, pain, darkness,sadness, depression and lonliness, I'm finding myself in an odd place. I definately don't fit in with the fertiles, and am beginning to feel like I don't fit in with the infertiles. So where does that leave me?

thats about all I have time for tonight. Wish I blogged more often, it always feel good to work through it, get it out of my mind and onto the keyboard. Wishing my tiny tiny audience a very happy thanksgiving. I know I'm looking forward to it this year. I've got so much to be thankful for :)

whirlwind life, facebook,etc

Things have been so very insanely busy that I've almost forgotten how to relax. The closest thing I get to relaxing these days is farmin on facebook! And even then I find my mind wondering to the dishes or the laundry or to work that needs to be done. Its good, I mean busy is good but a day or 2 off a week is good too. Guess I'll have to settle for an afternoon or 2 off.

I got a new job since my last blog. Over a week now. I'm not sure how I feel about it just yet. Its challenging and consuming and nerve wrecking. I know it will get easier with time, once I get into my business mojo and get into the swing of it all. DH comes home from work and says "how was your day" pretty much daily and I'm still answering "uhhhh" and shruging.

Sometimes I still feel that fog, its like the beginnings of a panic attack. I can usually talk myself down from it with some deep breathing,etc but man getting overwelmed with life sucks. Dh always asks what is it?...Boy don't I wish I could tell him. Its nothing and everything all at the same time.

Anyone ever have someone added as a FB friend and then regret it? Yea, thats me. I've got 4 people who absolutely drive me up a wall with their rediculous FB chatter. Some of them blog when they burp or pee. I mean seriously, TMI...TMI that noone cares to know about. And its constant! I could care less,really. Then theres my poor poor pg cousin complaining about how big she's gotten and how they are monitoring her now weekly for lack of fetal movement and she's soooo tired of going to the dr. BLAH BLAH BLAH....My comment to her was that soon it will be over and she'll have nothing else to worry about except for labor and delivery...oh and 18 yrs of responsibilty for another human being. Yea, she cant wait to get this baby out. She has no clue. really. I have friends who have found me from HS. People who I haven't talked to for yrs who add new pics of their little ones daily. They don't care to comment on anything in my life because obviously none of it is as important as their child(ren). Yet I feel that they expect comments and ohhs and ahhs everytime a new pic goes up.....Moral of the story, really think about it before adding someone as a FB friend. I mean really really think about it. Make it what you want to make it.

Well I've jabbered on way too long and have to get up early agian tomorrow for another long day. I don't feel Ive even touched on the main topics I wanted to, LOL..Maybe time will surface and I can get a good catch up post soon for you, my tiny tiny audience who I love and adore! Altho I do wish the nameless would come forth, I like to know my aundience :)