this and that...

My cousins baby shower is tomorrow. I'm not going but feel ok about it. Even ran into her tonight while shopping her registry for the gift for tomorrow(tiny bit embarassed because 1) she saw what was in my basket and knows what I'm getting her now, and 2) she knows I waited till the very last possible second to get her anything. I haven't seen her for oh say 2-3 months and boy has she blew up, but oh so cute. She's soooo tiny with this big 'ole round hard bump. I smiled, and didn't even have to fake it. If this is what being at peace feels like, than me likes it. I shopped the baby section for a good 15 minutes trying to find the last few things that werne't horribly expensive that haven't been bought yet. And I survived. Didn't even break a sweat. Man, I'm getting good at this acceptance thing. And truthfully, I have serious doubts about her ability to be a good mother BUT I hope she will be. And I am excited for her, and happy for her. Truely. Oh, the registry. PLEASE! OMG, she registered for some of the dumbest stuff, a glade candle in a vanilla scent, a zip up robe for herself, p.js for her, NIPPLE CREAM, nursing bras. Call me old fashioned but arn't those strange requests? Its not her day(well kinda)but mostly its the babys. Not that she isn't important but I'd rather get gifts for the baby, after all its a baby shower, not her bday. Am I wrong here?.....She registered for 1 lousy package of diapers. ONE. Yep, she's clueless. I don't think she realizes the first few weeks are filled with eating,crying and pooping. lots and lots of poop....


Our(dh & I) birthdays are coming up Monday. YiPeeee. I wish I didn't feel this way about bdays. I wish I felt like celebrating but I just don't want to get any older. I know people in their 30s or 40s would give anything to be 28 again, I get that. Just like I would love to be 25 again. Maybe I need to forget about them for good. Not even acknowledge the day. I don't know why I feel like this, up until my 24th or 25th bday, I loved having bdays. Now, not so much. Its not like I have a bad life, I don't. In fact, I've got a pretty peachy life. I love my husband more and more with each passing day. I have purpose. I am luckier than many-possibly even more lucky than most. Bdays are just life, right?....No real plans for the day, we both have to work. D had said something about taking me to our favorite japenese restaurant later on in the week. Guess we'll see.

It is soooo FALL here. I love it. Its been absolutely beautiful! The past 2 days or so the trees have really started changing. I love autumn. I tolerate the cold and the rain and the illness I just got over that visits every year around this time cuz I have no other choice but the beautiful colors of the trees almost makes all that worth while.

My dog is just the coolest thing ever. He's so stinkin' smart, it kills me sometimes. Would love to go into more detail with a couple of his latest antics and stories but my droopy eyes along with truckers attempts to wiggle in between me and the laptop(jealousy, i can't pet him and type at the same time) are telling me that will all have to wait.

long time no blog

for a whole lotta differnt reasons. Its not that I don't have anything to say, I've always got plenty going on and plenty to say. Just nothing too exciting. Life for the most part is good right now...or at least ok. sometimes thats as good as it can get, right?

Lets see, my relationship with dh seems to be improving everyday. I remember why I fell in love with him again. We've been tackling projects around the house big time and we've been enjoying it. Not that its fun stuff, but we're enjoying the time we are spending together. We haven't been able to turn the not so fun tasks into fun by being together in quite some time. I almost forgot that doing nothing much or tackling a big project together could be so much fun. He's more considerate and does little things daily that melt my heart. Things like coming up behind me while I'm doing the dishes at the sink and putting his arms around me, telling me he'll take over and to go sit down and relax. Thats my REAL idea of romance. Thats love, IMO. I know we've still got a ways to go-my biggest fear is that we'll get lazy again, quit doing for each other, quit caring and it will all fall apart once again.

To get on with it: the projects, we're heading to Tn on vacation to see friends in a couple weeks time. I've got a list that seems to be a mile long of things that MUST get done before we leave. If these things(or at least the majority of them) don't get done, we'll postpone the trip, bad as I hate to because coming straight back from vacation, we'll have family here from FL. I always do some kind of dinner or something while they are here but this year, I want more. With the deck nearly completed(its been done as far as the building goes for over a month now), I couldn't think of anything better than a deck party while they are here. So, we ordered the redwood sealer that we really liked after my extensive over analyzing research on which deck sealer is the best for hardwoods(really I probally spent a good 20 hours reading up on all of it online,rediculous I know). So, we ordered it over 2 weeks ago and have been impatiently awaiting its arrival. Finally, it came. Yesterday and part of the evening before were spent power washing the deck and house. I was amazed at how dirty the deck had already gotten since we just got it finished a bit over a month ago. The wood has really dried out, started splitting quite bad in some places. So we were really ready to get started on the sealing. We got most of it done today. Now we're crossing our fingers that the rain won't mess up our beautiful work-theres a chance tomorrow. Its much darker than we originally anticipated but a beautiful, beautiful redwood color, reminds me a LOT of cedar, which I love. Tomorrow evening after work, we'll finish the 10% or so left of the sealing and then it will be on to power washing and begin sealing the front deck-which is much much smaller and shouldn't be near the project.

Other than the deck, we've got to get the garden back under control. We have to. Theres no way I can let my rich relatives see weeds and grass in my gardens, lol. I've been so pre occupied in things that can't wait that the garden has been left to fend for itself. Only the strong plants survive around here. I've got a knockout rose that is constantly blooming and does good taking care of itself. If it gets really dry, I try to give it a drink. I've got some coleus that nearly drowned from the friday before labor day when we picked up 5 inches of rain in a matter of a few hours. My cockscomb is BEAUTIFUL! I will definately dry a head or two and save some seed to replant this next year, its soooo pretty(and carefree). Oh, the morning glories and moon flowers also do wonderfully when left alone, the morning glorys actually stay bloomed out until late evening now. All the planting I done early this spring has made for a very tired gardener who works one FT job, one PT job and donates about 10 hours a week at the animal shelter. Not that I'm complaining. I love my life most of the time. Its just hard to fit everything in!

I also MUST MUST MUST get this house into shape before we leave for TN. I want to get the walls all washed which is a huge project what with moving all the furniture and all. I would love to have the kitchen painted by the time the FL folks come up here but am trying to not overwelm myself and put more on my plate than is possible. There are other little things I want done before we leave to. Guess we'll see how things pan out!

Re: the deck party. We're having a guy we know smoke brisket and ribs. And we'll have the traditional picnic-y sides. You know, potato salad, baked beans, and such. A friend of mine does mobile d.j ing and has offered her services as a very good rate so depending on how things go, I may have her play. I'm planning on inviting both sides of the family, and tons of friends. Expecting over 100 people probally. I know, I should be shot! LOL! But, my mom will help me. Nothing like coming home from vacation and throwing yourself deep into work, huh? But its not like I don't want to do it. Because I do, I think it will be fun. Which reminds me, if the weathers bad the party will have to be moved to the garage outside which is another HUGE project getting that all in order, just in case.*sigh*

Oh! I almost forgot to mention the other reason for not keeping up with blogging, or at least the reason for the last week. I have been computer-less, until today. DH was online on the toshiba last week and it just died. I fully expected for the puter dr to fix it, but it was time to lay her to rest. We haven't buried her yet,lol, maybe we should have her cremated! Anywho, as of today, I am the proud owner of a refurbed gatway. So far, so good.

phew! better get to making the rest of my online rounds, gotta get up early tomorrow.yipee

You don't ever really get used to it...

Forgive my randomness:

IF always hurts. Even after you come to terms with it yourself, you still find yourself rooting for other IFers.

I just read about an online friend who has suffered loss after loss and is more than likely in the midst of her 7th loss. Its KILLING me. My heart is so heavy for her. I can't wrap my head around such a seemingly simple concept. I hurt for her so much, so deeply. She is one of the most amazing women I've met thorugh the online world, and so worthy of holding her child in her hands. My thoughts are with her.

***

Sometimes I almost wish I were religious. But you can't help not beliving anymore than those who claim to "feel" gods presence, and know he's there. I, just like them, simply can't accept anything other than what I feel. And I've never been a true believer, despite attending sunday school and church my entire childhood. Sometimes it seems it would be easier to say "I'm praying for you" or "its in gods hands". To believe that I could talk to a greater power and it wouldn't be the equivalant of me talking to myself. Seems it definately would be easier than beliving that shit just happens in life and there isn't any real rhyme or reason to any of it.

***

The deck is DONE. We're thrilled with the outcome. its better than we thought it could have been. Once the bottom is enclosed with white lattice and the decdk sealed, its a done deal(so technically its not done-done). We spent a few nights sitting out there in our rocking chairs listening to nothing but the wisper of the wind and the crickets. Its peaceful, relaxing, wonderful.

***

The marriage thing. hmmmmph Its slow going but is getting better. We are both working insanely hard, trying to get some stuff paid off and save what we can for our vacation in Oct. I can't wait. I need a vacation, to get away and get out of this huge rut.

thats all folks-gotta get some zzzz's

how funny...

I just re-read my last post. How funny that I have problems opening up to a therapist but can freely post online with no problems or fear of being judged. I'm certain it must be for the most part that its just simply to not give a crap about what people whom will most likely never meet me IRL will think of me. But I suspect there may be more to it than just that alone. I'll have to give it some thought.

I have tons of new news I could post, lots going on but time as usual just doesn't permit so this too shall be a short catch up blog.

Things with DH are still somewhat shakey. I find myself almost fantasizing what my life would be like it we would have never married. Now mind you, he IS a good dh-or at least I want to believe that but something has been lacking, obviously. Some sort of need must not be getting met. Its not like I just wonder what my life would be like, its more like a yearning to be single. He came and rescued me at a time in my life that I believed I wanted to be rescued, when really, I needed to find myself, rather than try to mold myself into some sort of trophy wife. And I believe due to that, due to the desperate attempts on my behalf to be the "right" type of wife, well I got even further and further from sorting my true self out. I lost contact with most of my friends-they were still wild and crazy. I was a married women....who forced myself to grow up too soon. And then theres the whole other side to the story, the part of me that loves him so desperately, that I feel I can't life without him. Almost like an addiction. In any event, I am certain that one way or another, things will be ok. It has to be. To an extent, its quite out of my control, and I like that, letting go of the control. Things not being my fault, but rather fate.

In other news, I've been working very hard on all aspects of my life, both physically and emotionally. I feel wonderful. content. I'm finally doing some things to control my sugar levels, even if its just small things like cutting wayyyyy back on the sweet tea,etc. My bp had been giving me trouble as well so I've been trying to keep that in check as well and feeling pro active in trying to take care of myself once again. Granted, I haven't lost any real weight to speak of, but weight doesn't neccasiarly point to health. Eating healthy is more important than a number on a scale, right? The emotional stuff, well its just old baggage that a less mature me just couldn't work through. I didn't know how, so I sorta stuck it away. Its strange when you begin really reminiscing about the past, the things that surface. Its almost like living it again sometimes, it feels that fresh and new. I still have zero desire to patch things up with my dad, I just don't want him in my life at this point but I've been wanting to call him and talk to him, and tell him I forgive him. I believe I used to feel as if he were an alchoholic by choice. More recently, I have tried to not judge him so harshly, partly due to my memories from young childhood. Memories of being daddys girl, good times. It had been so easy to throw those older, good memories away in favor for the more recent, more hurtful bad memories. I don't believe he really changed, I believe he fell victim to a terrible disease that had more control over him than he had control over it, and that changed who he was. In looking at it in that aspect, I can forgive him. I would want him to know if something were to happen to him, I'd want him to die knowing that I still remember the good old days, and that I forgive him for the bad days.

Looking at the time, I've gotta get in bed. I've got a very early appt with the vet tomorrow to get truckers pred. shot, followed by a 12 hr work day, followed by needed to de-weed the garden and some yard work, time permitting. Re: Trucker--Poor babys allergies are driving him insane. He scratches and chews on himself so much, he's getting a few tiny bald spots and red splotches. I know he's mierable. The vet has suggested in the past that its part food allergy related and partiallly grass related since it worsens so much this time of year. I'm not a fan of the whole steroid thing-but I can't watch him and not do anything knowing he's in pain, not if theres anything in my power I can do to relieve it.

Eating rainbows and shitting butterflies..

Not yet, but I'm workin on it.

whoever made up that bit about april showers bring may flowers is full of it-and obviously NOT from Misery(missouri). Here, April showers bring may showers. damn rain! i shouldn't complain, we've been free of the usual threats of severe weather for the most part.

something to look forward to, a day off next week and a mini shopping trip,lunch and the movie ghosts of girlfriends past with a friend. its been years since i've been to the movies. i think the last thing i saw on the big screen was wild hogs-a kinda funny motorcycle movie with tim taylor(cant think of his real name-from tool time), john travolta and some other funny guys.

no news on the latest interview for dh...*chews nails while rolling eyes*

trucker is so cool, he learned after being told twice not to go into the garden, now he's helping me keep the cats out of it. if we go out on the porch and they are in it(they think its their litter box,grrr), he barks at them and chases them out, LOL. Good dog. wish cats were as smart-don't get me wrong i love cats too but they don't seem to understand repeated warnings like a dog does.

thats all folks

Ta Da...

you should be able to leave me comments once again. While screwing with settings the other day, I think I changed it under the comments tabs to "hide" thinking it would hide comments, not make it impossible to leave them. so thanks simone for bringing it to my attention.

Well, the world got the last laugh in my face. Recently, there has been a rash of pregnancy/"we're trying for _________(insert number 2-200 here)" announcements. I've been handling it really really well until today. My totally inmature cousin and her deadbeat BF who hasn't worked but about a month out of their entire relationship are pg and getting married this summer. My first reaction was disbelief. I cried on the phone to her, I think she thought I was happy for her. The truth is that she has a very good head on her shoulders, is a very hard worker...She simply is too good for him. Anyone would pick up on this within minutes of meeting them together. I'm not sure I'm bothered at all by the pregnancy(ok, maybe a tiny bit) but her marrying him....*sigh*. This must have been how my mom felt when I got married.(my mom was totally against it when dh and I tied the knot). I've always viewed her more as a little sis than a cousin. I'm just...irked.

Anywho, life goes on. I've got to finish the planning for moms bday party Wednesday night. That, gardening, and work(I got another job to replace the one I quit when dh got hired at his joke of a job) should keep me busy this next week.

Have I mneitoned how nice it is to have the windows all open? I love being able to air out the house. I love the breeze. Spring is FABULOUS!

feeling indifferent...

My last blog was about how I've felt pressure from others. Well now I think I can count myself amongst the ranks of the rest of the world. I don't know whats next. And I want to know. I'm not ok with feeling things are out of my hands(one would think I would have accepted that LONG ago after all those failed years of ttc). I've always took the idea drilled into me as a kid(you know the one, 'you can be anything you want when you grow up') as literal...and perhaps beyond. So to be faced with things you actually have zero control over....well, its still a hard pill for me to swallow.

Basically, I'm finding myself half wanting to have dh get the big V, and half wanting to save for IVF. I'm just that unsure of what I want and how are you going to go about getting it if you don't even know what your going for?? I cannot wrap my mind around ttc again, I'm afraid it would break me beyond repair emotionally. The idea puts knots in my stomache. I partially feel I want to be a parent, I sometimes desperatly feel like that is "missing" but there are lots of good moments in life that would be difficult or impossible to repeat with the life altering responsibility of parenthood. I definately have a very nurturing maternal instinct that I often feel is unfulfilled. I believe I had felt at peace with the idea of remaining childless, and then those 2 little pink lines. Now, I find myself second guessing. I feel like I finally got close, not close enough but a glimpse. The first "hope" I had felt in a long time, in regards to ttc and becoming a mother.

I look myself in the mirror and think "what are you doing.....what's next"... And the fact that I don't have a clue, that I don't know what I even want for the future. Well, being a control freak, it frightens me. I always wanted to be a young mom. For me, that hasn't changed. Is there still time? Sure. I'm only 27....A few years ago, ideally, I would be done ttc at this point in my life and have my 2-3 kiddos by now. And now, thinking back upon that, the idea almost scares me.

I realize I'm being unpractical. I realize that the m/c is still fresh in my mind and weighing on my heart. I just suddenly feel I must have a plan for the future. I have to know. It feels urgent. It.Can't.Wait. Dh suggested we ttc like we used to, in the beginning. Which in my mind isn't really even trying. Its not going to get us there, buddy, sorry. He thinks since we concieved naturally ONCE after 7 yrs,treatment and failed IUIs, that it might happen again soon(*eyeroll*). In a way, I feel much like I did coming up on around our 2 yr ttc anniversary. By then, it seemed thats all I focused on, ttc. Pondering everything in my life right down to what I ate,drank,etc. Reading up on long term ttc'ers struggles and worrying that we may be headed for the same kind of trouble. See, even the stress of thinking about ttc or ending the journey here and now is stressing me the hell out!

I wish I could push it to the back burner, like I have before. Just shrug it off thinking "if it happens, thats great(all along knowing that the chances were slim to none) and it it doesn't thats ok too". Well guess what, all my burners on the stove are full, something has to be pitched. I have a feeling that within the next year, something big will happen, no idea what but I can't put this on hold that much longer because as long as its on the stove, even on the back burner, its still there. I have to have dreams and focuses for the future.

Damn this yearning to move forward with something-ANYTHING right this second. Damn these feelings.


On a positive note, DH got through orientation with no problem, just waiting on the call for the job to actually begin. On the backside of that, it is a temp position which was not known until the day of orientation. So, technically, he's employed but still looking. Ho Hum

One more positive note, went to bros and SILs today for easter dinner(a day early due to conflicts in scheduale) Weather wonderful, my nephew(and trucker) had a blast egg hunting. Food was great, it was actually a lot of fun. A nice little escape from my crazy mind.

hope everyone has a fantastic easter!!

DH got the job!

We're so excited! We were both soooo depressed last night about him not getting "the call" so today(the orientation was supposed to be today), dh called inquiring if the position was still open. Turns out, they had delayed the orientation to next tuesday and were going to call him later today. So, he goes Tues for orientation and should be hired unless for some unforseen reason, he can't get past orientation. Shouldn't be a problem, no problems with the background check.,etc. I'm soooo happy, for him, for me....for us. It seems like its been so long since we've had any real good news to celebrate(minus the + hpt which doesn't really seem like such a joyous thing now, considering the end result).

I got to thinking last night in my despair about how one phone call, one tiny little thing can effect your life so much. Its such a concept to wrap your mind around, how in a split second, everything can change. I was trying to look back into my past and pin point the time during our ttc efforts that it actually occured to me that we may have trouble getting pg. I tried to pinpoint the time that I finally came to realize that it wouldn't happen without intervention. I do actually remember the day that I realized IUI wouldn't get us there, and we'd have to do IVF. And that thought was followed by the "yeah but what it doesn't work either". Its strange to say the least. I remember in the very beginning lurking on boards, feeling sorry for women who had so much difficulty getting pg and staying that way. I remember thinking how lucky I was that DH and I wouldn't be having any kind of trouble like that. Afterall, *we* were young,*we* were like everyone else we knew, *we* looked the same, *we* were the same,*we* wouldn't have any trouble getting pg at all. nope. It all seems so silly now to me, what did I think these infertile people would look like, aliens? Did I think IF only happened to old ladies, far too old to be considering having children anyway? I think about it now and almost laugh or cry. I am SO not that person anymore. Its strangely odd that I am the oposite of that person, and I am the infertile. The same one I was so glad to not have anything in common with-yeah thats me.

Its not just ttc, there have been many points in my life where one single moment, one tiny thing, one phone call have greatly impacted my life(like most everyone I'm sure). I remember the phone call from my dad that changed everything between us. It began as a call from my father and ended as a call from someone whom I never cared to speak to again. What if I hadn't been home? Would we still be the father and daughter we once were? I know there's always 'what ifs' and I know we shouldn't question fate. Maybe I'm a gluten for punishment. I remember the phone call I got in high school telling me my grandfather had died. My life was turned upside down that day, in a way, it has been every since.There are a million more, of course and I won't touch on all of them. At least not today LOL

I don't think I've mentioned my dreams. Its the craziest thing. I'll dream the most adverage dreams sometimes. A few nights ago I guess I dreamed dh had told me to pick him up some allergy meds at wal mart. Well, tonight, I did as I thought he had told me, came into the house and mentioned I'd gotten his meds to which he says" I just picked some up this morning". So, I'm all huffy because he did ask me to get him some. Ummm, no. He swears up and down he didn't ask me to, hadn't even mentioned it to me. So I dreamed that, I guess. This isn't the first time this has happened. the dreams are so ordinary that I guess I don't realize they were a dream. Sadly, this isn't the extent of my dreams. Every since childhood, I've been a night owl, had difficulty sleeping, have had a very active immagination, and have had very vivid dreams. Its like I just can't turn my brain off to sleep. When I find myself dealing with stressful things in life, I tend to have nightmares, really horrid nightmares sometimes. I've dreampt about murdering people for various reasons. Lots of restless nights and lots of being awoken by dh throughout the night for crying fits, screaming, etc. It used to scare him, now he's used to it, as used as you can get to your wife screaming curses in a deep sleep. While I recognize its not the defination of "normal" to most people, it really is something I've dealt with my entire life so its not so strange to me. The ones where someone is trying to hurt someone I love or where I'm hurting/killing someone, those do bother me. But a dream is just that, a dream. I try to let it be. One positive thing I've read online is that people who dream regularly and awake to remember details and the jist of the dream tend to be intelligent. Ha, theres my proof!

Not to completely switch gears here BUT an aquaintence has really ticked me off. I am very anti puppy mill, anti- back yard breader. Pretty much, it is WRONG WRONG WRONG to breed and sell dogs for the almighty dollar. It is plain and simple wrong. Well this ladys dog had died and she was telling me she was negotiating a price from someone she knew who raises dauschaunds. I encouraged her to check out the local shelters, rescue groups,etc. She said she's look into it, blah, blah blah. She said she was worried to get a pound puppy because the wouldn't be registered so I out right asked her what "papers" are really worth. Does a dog with "papers" really make a better dog than a mixed breed pup? Are they more affectionate? More loyal? More anything? Her answer to me, no but they are worth more. I told her that I refuse to put a price tag on my friendship and companionship my dog provides to me. And guess what, HE came from a shelter. HE would have been put down within a week had no one taken him when I got him. She couldn't believe this. She knows Trucker and has commented many times what a good well behaved dog he is. She assumed he was a full blooded registered dog, not one that the previous owners had starved nearly to death. I spoke with her more, really believeing I had gotten through to her and then today, she called me(no idea how she got my cell#,which bugs me) to let me know she was able to get the pup she wanted at a good deal with the back yard breeder. Ugggh, makes me literally sick. I wouldn't be surprised at this point to find out that she tries "to get her money back" on this dog by breeding it and selling off its pups. I wish I could get through to people. Its such a HUGE problem. Even ONE litter.

I'm rather enjoying blogging

Really. I think its probally pretty healthy to release without worry of judgement. I find myself able to type things that I'd otherwise hold inside.

I haven't cried for 2 and a half days. It feels amazing. I was getting so tired of that feeling, you know how you feel after you've cried. And the puffy eyes, ick.

Today was good, I only had to work the one main job and for 6 hrs, then came home and de-weeded the garden. This is where I found out just how much the cats have been using it as their own little potty. Bitches!!

Went for a nice long walk with Trucker, cleaned out the file cabinet, putting taxes up,etc. I shredded taxes from clear back in 92!! Then, not being able to decide what we wanted for dinner, DH wisked me away to town for pizza. A real treat since we rarely eat out anymore due to financial reasons. And so it goes, now I'm just chillin' out. Doesn't seem I get the chance to really just hang out much anymore so I'm enjoying it.

In my recent journey for self improvement and making myself happy(I've finally realized no one can do that for me, its all up to me), I've came to the decision that while not thrilled in my married life, its ok. That worries me tho. Granted, we got married when I was 18, I realize now that I was probally too young to make such a big decision. I'm just wondering if this is normal. This feeling of not being crazy in love and thrilled to spend the rest of your life with someone. I'm not unhappy either, just....ok? Things arn't bad. Its just not like I imagained it would be. I asked DH if he's happy in our marraige and he said "of course". But I know him too well, I KNOW he wouldn't tell me, even if he felt doomed. He then shot the question back to me. I ignored him. I keep thinking what a fantastic man he is, would never lift a finger to me,etc. But then I think of his shortcomings. I remember how he used to tell me daily how beautiful I was, how lucky he felt to have me be his wife. I can't remember the last time I've gotten more than a simple "love you" at bedtime. There is never any pillow talk. We just lay here watching tv until one of us turns our back to the other. I do believe he still loves me, and I know I love him. I think how I would feel if something happened to him, you know bad accident and he died(warped huh?), and I know I would be miserable without him. So maybe thats my reassurance that we should still be together.

Our sex life isn't great and I blame that partially on me, and my dwindeling drive since beginning Celexa, and the fact that I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin. I don't feel sexy.Ever. I think DH has just gotten tired of asking, he's tired of being turned down. And, I'm tired a lot. Working 2 jobs, most nights it just seems like the effort isn't worth it. And of course, with the m/c still so recent, it hasn't really been possible or on either of our minds.

Maybe we're just in a rut. Maybe there is no happily ever after. Maybe I need to put forth more effort. Maybe we both do. I know marriage takes work and to be honest, I can see neither of us really works at it like we should. I don't want to mess up a good thing. Notice I said good thing. Not great. Maybe good is as good as it gets?