doing something good...

So tomorrow I'm going to the local animal shelter to help out. Not sure if they'll have me walk the dogs or get a less perferable(but equally important) task like cleaning the litter boxes. I think I need this, an opportunity to focus less on myself, and give to something thats very dear to my heart. Trucker was a rescue, in a kill shelter and due to be put down within a week. The people who had him basically got tired of the jack russell personality and rather than attempt to train them(trucker had a sister), they quit feeding them. The neighbors watched this go on for weeks(all the while the jerks continued to feed their other dogs whom theyt wished to keep) until they couldn't stand watching Trucker and his sister(and a basset hound whom they also quit feeding)wither away on a leash so the neighbors took the dogs and turned them into the local shelter. Lucky me, I got an absolutely wonderful dog out of the deal. I mean, really, he's fantastic. So I view this as a way of giving back to something thats very important to me.

the one worry i have is falling in love with a dog that speaks to me like trucker did. I've wavered back and forth on getting truck a lil buddy for over a year now. I want to but Trucker and I are veryt connected. While I feel he needs a playmate, I'm afraid he won't be accepting of me bonding with another dog. In fact, I'm almost certain there will be jealousy issues.

I've gone before to help out but never on a regular basis. I'm hoping this time to stick to it, at least making it to the shelter a couple times of months. this particular shelter is ran solely by donations and volunteers so i know its needed and vital to the cats and dogs. In any event,. I'm looking forward to it!

emotional exhaustion

I feel so beat emotionally sometimes. I look perfectly fine on the outside. I have no fever, am not sick to my stomache but deeper than any of that, I feel like life has beat the crap out of me. Sometimes I long to be the carefree girl I used to be. But thats gone, I've been defeated. My spirit has been broken.

My marriage is still so rocky. Sometimes I love him more than words can say and other times I.... well i hate him. I'm caught somewhere between the fairy tale marriage is supposed to be and the hell that marriage can be. Sometimes I feel happy and sometimes I am so filled with anger, and feel so alone. As stated before communication has always been an issue in our marriage. I have finally figured out that I'm partly responsible for that. See marriage is supposed to be 50/50. HA! I think most people who would tell you their marriage is always 50/50 are just trying to fool you and themselves in the process. I think most marriages are like ours, someone wears the pants at least 60% of the time and the other goes with it. I don't see how it could work any other way, seriously. If you've got 2 people who are completely passive, nothing will ever be decided upon, nothing will ever happen. If you've got 2 super controllers, nothing but fights and head butting will go on. Well I gotta admit, I'm the pants wearer in this family. DH was allready passive when we got married but over the years, its gotten worse. For some reason(maybe laziness) I took the reins, made all the decisions probally immasculating my husband in the time being. It had gotten so bad, I just felt like he was on board with whatever so I quit asking how he felt/what he wanted. Even now if I ask what he wants for dinner its always something like"I don't care, whatever" even tho he does have a preferance. Its irritating. The biggest problem with this is if I make a bad decision on my own, and it backfires, I feel left alone as the one to take the blame. I made the decision, I screwed up, lay the blame on me. solely. alone. Its ALL my fault. Its a lonely feeling.

In any event, we're both working on it. Sometimes me harder than him. Sometimes I think its a lost cause, like it will never be what I always hoped it would be....one of my friends asked me what it is exactly that I want to change. Its hard to say really. I know I need more communication, I want things to be more 50/50 or at least closer to that. I don't want to ever feel emotinally lonely in my marriage. I don't just want to stay married but I want to be happily married. Now I realize, there are bumps, we've been through a lot of them in these 9 yrs. things won't always be perfect, but I want to feel like we're experiencing these things together. I want us to be a team.

Something kinda weird, I always thought when peoples marriages were unstable that there was lots of fights, things being thrown around, lots of screaming, that kind of thing. We have never really been the type to have more than a tiny hiccup here and there in the way of arguements. But maybe thats because of his passive nature, and my nature to take charge which by the way I know needs to change as well, in order for him to become more agressive, I have to step back a little. I know it won't be easy. for either of us.

anywho-time to take little man outside to potty before bed. most of the stuff i planned on getting done this afternoon got missed. I ended up going with my nephew and mom to my cousins dance recital. it was so stinkin' cute.

fertile vs infertile...

my mind has been spinning with lots of this the past couple of days. here's what i think: fertiles think there's some kind of cool club they can't join if they find themselves unable to join a private IF chat forum. I can't figure out why they would want to join this club, its not a fun one. Most of us find these forums to be one of the only places we feel we can post anything regarding our struggles, our fears, our anger, resentment,etc without fear of being judged by our other infertile peers. We know we can't spread our hate and pain all over the world. We don't want to. We want to exchange our moans about it with other people experiencing the same thing, people who "get it". Pretty much like I fail to ever have children, I will never be a member of any of the mommy boards, even if I did lurk and post there, do you really think they'd want my imput on helping them raise their little ones? After all, what do I know about the topic- I don't fit in there, I have no children. It really is that cut and dry, different forums for differnt groups. Lurking on the other forums is perfectly fine I think IF YOU CAN HANDLE IT. If I can't stand to look at baby pics because it hurts too bad, well then I had better stay in my comfort zone, on the dark side. If mommys can't stand the negativity, the outright ugliness that sometimes comes with IF, well, then they should stay in their comfort zone. IT JUST MAKES SENSE!

We don't choose to be ugly or bitter or angry. Not at all. We do not sensor in our little corner of the world, neither should they....In a way, I can remember IF feeling worse in the beginning(the 1st couple of yrs did seem rough). I remember feeling desperate for it to happen right that second. I cried every lost chance, every cycle passed. I think they call that baby fever. At the time, it did suck, it was hard. Eventually you become more in the mindset of "I just want it to happen" rather than the "I want it to happen NOW"--the "NOW" one being the honeymoon stage of IF. The very hardest part comes later, when you finally begin to realize it may never happen. It took years for me to actually realize this, that it just doesn't happen for everyone and I may be one of the ones that doesn't get a child. Sounds simple huh? Well with that "simple realization" I'm giving up having a child to pass my genes to, a child to tuck in at night, a child to share hugs and kisses with. I'll never breastfeed, never hear babys first words, never be called "mommy", I'll never be anyones hero, I'll never get to bake cupcakes for school, or make halloween costumes, or play santa or the easter bunny or the tooth fairy. There will be no pitter patter on our floors, there will be no excitement on christmas morning, or comforting my child when they have chicken pox. No nursery to paint, no baby to rock to sleep, no first day of school, no first smile, no potty training, first steps, no summer vacations, easter egg hunts or finger paintings. No t ball games or soccer practices, no prom or graduation, no wedding, no grandbabys to cuddle and love and spoil rotten..... now in looking back over all of the yrs of ttc, THIS....THIS was the hardest part. It didn't compare to the "honeymoon" phase of ttc, before ttc was even IF. Those were the good ole days, when dh and i would giggle about how we'd do the nursery and talked about baby names. names that we'll never get to use. thats when you start making changes, saving pennys for REs, treatments. I had one last burst of "I'll never give up-even if i have to do 100 IUIs or IVF". Then I suddenly realized that even that might not do it. Sometimes, for some people, it just doesn't happen. ever. they remain childless. this is me now. its so much more than i ever would have thought of, its so much more grief than i realized it could ever be in those first couple of years. Either I am in the midst of acceptance of the whole thing or I've gotten so used to the pain that I don't feel it anymore. maybe both.

One mommy on a forum really bugged me by basically saying she deserves happiness, children are a blessing, why shoud she have to sensor herself? Well Duh, infertiles obviously know what a blessing children are or they wouldn't be going thorugh the things they have/are. Who would choose to spend thousands, risk their mental and physical health, their relationships and marriage, almost everything in their life for a CHANCE at having a child? Obviously someone who knows what a blessing children are, someone who knows the risks and still puts their heart and money on the line for the chance. The only real choice we have is to give it our all,risking everything we can afford to lose, and do all we can and hope we get pg and get a healthy child or just simply walk away from parenthood. Risk nothing, always wondering what if..... those are our choices as infertiles. So, if we can find comfort in others on a similiar path as ours, why would anyone want to make that more difficult for us?


I could go on and on and on BUT I'm going on the 3rd night of crap sleep. not cool with me, I need my sleep.this post became much much more personal than i intended it to be but screw it, i wrote what i wanted and since its my blog, i can get away with that. besides, after so many years of trying, how could i keep it impersonal?

peace

a joy of my life

panic attacks....

the feeling of lack of air, the spinning, the heart nearly beating out of my chest. I feel smothered. I know its a panic attack and knowing that freaks me out even more, makes it even worse. i've got to call my np, i don't think the celexa is working as good as it once was. i've noticed i'm severly grinding my teeth. my jaw hurts in the moring when i wke up. the last time i saw the dentist, he commented that its getting severe and i am waering down the enamel. i catch myself doing it, clenching my jaw tightly.

must.sleep.now

Quickly: A post about government

He promised change. Not good change but change. I am disappointed with his version of change. I feel like our government is made up of gangsters. If things don't turn around quickly, I can almost see how horrible things will be. I myself am a former smoker and as of recent a casual smoker. Once you take from smokers what it is that they want from tobacco products, then they no longer see the point in smoking. Its like switching from coke to sprite to avoid the caffeine. It only works if you like sprite, but if you can't stand the taste of sprite, and the coke is too high and doesn't taste the same, then why would you continue to purchase it? What I find interesting about it is the sure cries to come from schools because their funding will be cut. Non smokers don't get it, not having to pay the outragous taxes on tobacco(granted smokers can avoid paying it as well by quitting). Smokers are chastized for what they enjoy, what they choose to spend their money on, even though the taxes paid on tobacco are fundamental to schools.

The whole gm thing*gasp*. Think about a decisoion the government has made allowing gm to send you a letter that they have decided to cut your dealership. They could care less about weather or not your great great grandfather started the dealership. You are just a number. Also, the dealerships that are being forced out, are being forced to provide customers names and such. Some dealerships have been "lucky" to have had connections on the local level and have been able to work out a deal with gm to remain open. I will NEVER EVER buy a new gm product again in my life. I can't get past bailing out a multi million dollar corporation so that they may continue doing business based from oversees. How american is that? Its not like they will re hire the people they laid off when times were tough, or keep their promises to the retired workers, its too bad so sad to them suckers and here we come china. Makes me SICK. If they want to continue in china, let CHINA bail them out, not us!

Most people don't pay too much attention to these things if they arn't directly impacted. I on the other hand, try to see the big pictire. I'm american. what affects my fellow americans affects me. I fear our rights being taken from us, I think it may have already began.

I wasn't an obama supporter, nor a mccain supporter. I kept thinking prior to election "wow, is this really the best we have to offer ourselves?"....I voted for neither, just didn't feel i could trust either of them.

.......

I read a blog recently about someones view on the whole "green" thing. I have to say that i quite agree with her. Mostly, the "going green" campaign is just that, a campaign. Its all about getting you to go out and buy energy saving this or that. You should not be driving a gas powered vehicle, instead go out and buy a new 30,000 dollar car. Isn't that creating waste? Buying things you don't need? Throwing out things because they arn't green and purchasing new? Its all to make you feel better people. There isn't really anything green about it, not at all. I say if you want to be green, recycle,reuse, repurpose. I myself am a big re-purposer. I give things away if I can't use them but rarely throw much out.....HGTV is giving away a "green home", basically a brand new home decked out with all the "green" trimmings. Hmmm... While I'm sure energy effeciant and nice bamboo floors and all, was it really that important to build a brand new home and advertise how to enter to win a chance of winning it? Its a gimic, people. What exactly are you giving back? I wonder if the green home has a family room and a living room. I wonder if its got many bedrooms. convenience over trying to perserve.

just some things to think about people

random ramblings and stuff going on...

I'm in such a wierd place right now. Sometimes I feel like things are spinning out of control, like everything is just moving, except for me. I'm in a rut of some sort? I dunno. Its like if your on a rollar coaster and about to lose your cookies, screaming at the top of your lungs to "STOP OR I'M GONNA THROW UP" doesn't matter to them, or at least the ride doesn't stop just to let you get off. I feel like I am going through the motions of everything but not really feeling anything or letting anything effect me. Maybe I'm just distaincing myself from myself and my life.hmmmmm....

DH has moved back in. things are going ......ummmm..........ok, I guess. Not good, not bad. I really am devoting my all to trying to help the situation. He's trying too, although I think he's more "doing things"(helping me around the house more, picked me flowers yesterday,etc) instead of doing any sort of internal self work, if that makes sense.

My cousin, the one whose life is such a mess stayed here for a couple of days. She has officially left her deadbeat boy toy, much to my delight. I am certain she can't make any kind of self improvement with him in her corner. She's really starting to act like a mother to be which is a relief to me. I was really worried prior to the past few days, mostly for the unborn baby. Now, she's looking for an apartment, rather than staying with random people here and there, counting on others to help her out. She's gotten herself a job, not a great job but a job. I'm proud of her. She's finally realized how big of a deal being a single mother is going to be, and she's owning up!

Gardening has been horrendous. I'm finding it really hard to keep up with pulling the weeds and keeping the grass down. And the heat,ugggh. Over 100 today with a heat advisory thorugh tomorrow night. I don't think the air has kicked off all day here at home(i'm "working" from here today). the electric bill is gonna kick my butt!!

Due to a few sorta unexpected big bills, I think dh has decided he's gonna cash in his life insurance. I think its stupid but am trying to not pick a fight, afterall it is his policy. even if cashing it in means only getting half or so of what he's paid in the last 10 yrs. With things the way they are right now, I'm just kinda trying to pick my battles. Seeing Kate on tv last night made me see the kind of wife I don't want to be. I am NOT a victim. I don't want to be seen as a victim.

We went out with friends on their boat this last Saturday in celebration(if you will) of our 9th wedding anniversary. It was strange, I didn't think we'd be spending the day together but said friends kind of set this up for us, trying to get us back together or whatever. I know people mean well but I'm not a big fan of the butting in. Spending time with him, with them there as well, on the boat was good. It was comfortable, not strange feeling like it would have been if we spent the day apart, or together alone.

DH has been talking a lot about future plans. This bothers me for 2 reasons. first, I'm not as certain as he seems to be about our future plans and second, I'm a much better rein taker than he. Maybe this is part of his transformation, he's trying to be more open, which i appreciate but I'm not sure how I feel about him planning trips for us,etc. And he's talked about doing some of the remodeling I had mentioned before(you know before it all went south). I'm not sure where our marriage is at, nor where it will be at in the times to come so I'm not really on board with spending money on a home that we currently share. maybe i should just jump in with both feet, give in but this feels safer to me. I have low expectations, that way just in case, I won't get hurt again.

Since the m/c, I have made huge strides in many ways. Most days I'm ok with the changes life has brought my way in terms of my plans and the actuality of infertility. But once in a while, for seemingly no reason, I seem to fall into a deep depression. I grieve for the loss, I grieve for the acceptance I can't seem to find, I grieve over the realization and I want peace. I want it so desperately. Normally, these episodes seem to pass quickly, only lasting maybe one night of sobbing. But boy does it suck when it hits.

Off to start dinner. I think we're having orange glazed baked chicken and rice and baked potatoes that dh dug up this morning before heading to work. I may make something for dessert, i've got a sweet tooth today.

realization #5 million and 68

After being with my mom this evening in wal mart and listening to her chit chat with an old friend she ran in to, it dawned on me as she was bragging to this lady about my nephew, I'll never do that. I'll never say "my grandkids blah blah blah". Now, I've gotten really used to answering the questions about not having children and I always figured that was just a part of life, like maybe people would quit asking once they assumed I was beyond child bearing years?? I'm not really sure what I thought but now I realize, this is a life long thing. Once they quit asking me if I have kids, then it will be "how many grandkids do you have?" Followed by them showing me pictures of all thier grandkids. Then I started thinking about my funeral, I guesss they'll just skip over the part of listing any survivors. Anywho, its not a sad thing, even if it sounds like a pity party, its just a realization.

Another realization, and I told h(no longer dh) this the other day, I don't want to be married to him anymore if it doesn't change. Not at all. I miss him, I love him like mad, but I simply haven't been happily married for over a good year now. Granted, it isn't always gonna be rainbows and butterflies BUT to not be happy for over a year in a marriage? That simply isn't right. Life is plain and simple too short to not be happy. And no one else can provide that for you, its something you have to find for yourself. He hasn't been happy either. We do still want to try to make it work, but not at the expense of an unfulfilled unhappy life. At this stage, we're just cooling off I guess. We've been talking daily but its so hard for him to open up and communicate with me. I try to encourage him but its just so tiring. I end up letting my temper flair and getting angry. Afterall, I'm not aksing for the unthinkable. I just want him to tell me how he feels, what he wants. Its sad that its so hard for him. And sad that I'm so hot headed towards him, and so impatient. I have to keep working on that, for sure.

quick post on the garden

in case anyone was wondering i just find it easier to focus my writings on this at the moment rather than my failing marraige. so, humor me ok?

today i awoke to stare out the bedroom window and what did i see? MORNING GLORYS! Yay! I feel so accomplished! So, I thought I had better take a closer look, I found 3 beautiful bloomed buds on the recently purchased canna. i love cannas, so tropical looking. i glanced to the north, under a mulched oak tree, ta da, more cannas are up. This floored me since I knew I had planted 3 or 4 bare root canna bulbs but it was so long ago, i couldn't remember where i had planted them. i was a bit upset thinking that surely enough time had passed, they should be up by now. well, they are, 3 to be exact. i don't even care if they bloom, lol. i've got more day lilies that i planted later than the first ones that are now in full bloom with shoots, so soon, they will be blooming also. its all making me feel better since the lilac bush had to be taken out, and the hydrangeas died. just when i was starting to think i had a black thumb, lol. a LOT of my annuals are looking bad. we had a bad couple of days with storms, heavy rain and big hail last night so i'm not sure if they will come back to anything or not. i moved my newly planted hostas to the front of the house this evening, realizing where i planted them was far too sunny.

I walked up to FILs this evening and helped him pick seconds on broccoli, a ton of cucumbers and zucchini. the deer got the second bunch of planted green beans so i helped him stake some pie tins. the reflection and movement of them in the wind scares the deer off. i'll have to get pics of his masses of gardens, and maybe a couple of my morning glorys!

oh- rock garden and stone walkway, I am proud to say are finally done! I am so happy, and so sore. Oh, for anyone planning on doing much digging, I have one word for you-GLOVES. Sometimes being a tom boy sucks, I think I feel tougher than I actually am. I ended up getting my hair cut and doing a parrafin wax hand dip, followed by applying 'working hands" lotion before bed and wearing gloves to bed. At least I didn't end up with the blisters that were trying to come up after digging.

when to take care of myself...

Not sure if I've mentioned it here or not but I've got a 19 y/o cousin who is pg. She has been shunned from the family pretty much over the past couple of years due to her problems with drugs,alchohol, men, run ins with the law,etc. Through it all, I've tried (and succeeded a lot of the time) in helping her resolve her various and sometimes self induced problems.

Now call me jealous or whatever but I simply can't help her with this. I tried, I really did but I can't listen to her ramble on and on about how lousy her boyfriend is(he is). Or about how she doesn't want to get fat,etc. A couple of days ago, she called 3 times within a matter of 5 minutes. I just didn't feel able to help her out of her current jam, and being stressed with my own problems at home and with work, I didn't answer. Not once of the 3 times. I finally returned her calls to find out what was new, telling her right away that I'd have to keep it short since I was still at work. The reason for her calls was to complain to me about how her BF won't help her with anything around the house when afterall she's"the one who has to carry the baby". I felt my face getting red and I swear my BP must have went through the roof. I found myself getting madder and madder with each word she uttered. Finally, I just cut her off and flat out told her I have my own freaking life that I need to focus on rather than listen to her constant nonstop blubbering about the latest crap she's gotten herself into. And I hung up, just like that.

This is where I'd like to point out that the excuse of "i'm the one who has to carry the baby-not him" is the stupidest thing i've ever heard in my life. Ummm, yeah you have to carry the baby, you've got the equipment. I hate to point out the obvious but what an ignorant thing to say- like he has the ability to carry the baby?!? Ummm, no.

The strange thing of all of this for me is I feel no remorse, none whatsoever. we've always been more like sisters than cousins. Me playing the role of the older more stable sister willing to do anything I can to help her clean up her life,etc. I gave and gave and gave and she...well, she took. And you know what? I'm tired. And I refuse to listen to her rants about how she "has to carry this baby". Well you poor little ungrateful bitch! You had unprotected sex with a loser who has admitted to cheating on you several times in the past, he has stole from you, took your car for a one week trip without asking and brought it back damaged and YOU had to keep letting him come back-against my advice. Well, you're stuck this time. I can't help, and even if I could, I'm not gonna.

To understand the "big deal" about all of this for me, to know just how incredible it is that I haven't called her to beg forgiveness, to apologize to her (for her being an ass to me), knowing what I've been through, you've got to know a bit about the past. A quick run down of the past 3 yrs with her and myself: I have bailed her out of jail twice, picked her up from bars in the middle of the night more times than I can count, "loaned"(is it called a loan if it never gets pd back) her over $2000, checked her into 2 differnt clinics and been there for her either in person or via telephone 24/7 for the last 2 and a half years. I have changed plans, came back from vacation for her early due to some sort of "crisis" or another,even let her live with us rent free on and off for a time. All of those times I was hoping to make a differnce, help her. Now I am able to see that she plain and simple took advantage of me. And I'm just done. Time to take care of me, she's a big girl now and has to figure it out on her own....Did I mention she knows my ttc history, she knows about the m/c, the recent trouble with dh and I? And she still has the nerve to call me and complain about her relationship with the loser BF, and being pg. Being "the one who has to carry the baby". If she would have been standing in front of me, I think I could have punched her. seriously.

I feel good. like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Life really is what you make of it, at least some of the time. I'm not holding anyones hand. Not anymore. Life is hard enough without having to try to fix someone elses broken pieces.

one other recent bit of news on the dh front, he offically moved out, taking more with him this last time than before. I'm doing ok. well, most of the time. Its strange our 9 yr anniversary is coming up the 20th of this month. Looks like we won't be doing the usual anniversary dinner. I don't know where we really stand. I mean I know we're seperated but I don't know if he intends to file for divorce or what. We're both just cooling off right now. He missed our last therapy appt that I took off of work to attend, without so much as a phonecall. That to me said he is done trying. I am of course hurt. Still hopeful that things will work out I guess. I don't want to be divorced. I'm supposed to be happily married.

update on the garden

Its been a long while since I've really mentioned my gardening. For anyone not interested in the whole gardening thing(or hearing me gloat), you should probally pass this one up as I feel like dedicating these few minutes intirely to bragging on my garden.

I think normal people spend time outside sitting on their deck, resting, perhaps? I've always been a busy bee and not much of a watcher, but rather a do-er. I can't believe that this is the first year I've given gardening a try. I freaking love it, even the de-weeding. Granted, theres not a whole lot going on out there right now but by next spring and summer, it should be wonderful. To date, off the top of my head since early this spring I have planted:many tulip bulbs, hyacinths, naked ladies,daffodils,2 burning bushes(one of which accidently got mowed over), a lilac bush(which doesn't seem to be doing overly well), a hydrangea which is in its prime and beautiful. Also planted, garden mums,butterfly weed, dianthus, delphinium, shasta daisy, autumn joy sedums, geraniums, hostas, 2 generic rose bushes, only one of which I think has the possibility of surviving, and a double knock out rose which is doing wonderfully. Not to be forgotten, more recently, bachelor buttons, morning glorys,coxy comb, and marigolds. I purchased 2 hanging baskets 1-wax begonia and the others name escaping me at the moment. Other annuals as well including coleus,dusty miller,impatiens(both new guinea and standards)petunias and pansys(altho the pansys are all but dead despite my constant attention paying),pink salvia,mums, red eyed verbena and zinnia(both at the top of my list so far for taking care of themselves nicely), vinca...I am certain there must be more but its escaping me at the moment. OH! The daylilies which I planted early this spring, they have gotten massive and appear they will bloom later this summer. And we finally got the ground in front tilled up and planted probally 20 packets of seeds, everything from ground cover to widlflower mix to huge sunflower seeds. We'll see what happens. I've already gotten some bulbs to plant for the fall, and am going to try to get a start off of FILs old fashioned rose bush to plant on the outside front of the house between the office window and the bedroom window on the east side.

You know what I've gotten from all of this? A wonderful sense of achievement. Its amazing what having a true hobby has given to me. Its something I look forward to, coming home, taking care of all of the plants and flowers. Maybe its fulfilling a motherly 'need to nurture' sense within me. I don't know. I just love pulling up the house, seeing how awesome it looks on the outside. Other than the planting and tending, I've also undergone huge landscaping projects. Sometimes I think maybe I've bitten off more than I can chew, mostly with the heavy lifting but thats what men are for, right? We have the rock garden out back, I've got stepping stones going from the back steps to back there with a nice little patio set and some torches. I guess my biggest problem is I'd rather do something than actually go back there and set and relax. We've still got the stone walkway to finish up in front but for that I need more weed barrier and sand. I'm quite ready to get that done, I'm tired of the eye sore.

So, what do I do in my spare time? Well I help DH and FIL in the veg. garden. We've been getting all of the lettuce, radishes and onions we can stand to eat and share. As of today, zucchini. Within the next week, cucumbers and very soon, a good crop of tomatoes(over 2000 plants-yes 3 zeros). DH brought me some potatoes he dug today. I freaking love fresh from the garden goodies. It simply can't be beaten! Last week, on my day off I helped my mom "work up" 8 gallons of strawberrys. Tomorrow(my day off again), I'm helping her make blackberry jam and strawberry perserves. YUMMMMMMMMMM

And now, well I'm tired. Hope I didn't bore my small audience too badly. nitey nite