did something unusual today...

Or at least unusual for me. I found myself staring at a wall for at least a good hour, possibly closer to 2 even. I was so deep in thought, trying to wrap my mind about things. Recalling things from the past, pondering the here and now and guessing the future. Its funny, I remember the feeling of knowing(or at least thinking I knew) what the future would hold. But that was once upon a lifetime. I wonder when that changed- when I went from one extreme to the other, went from the control freak of "this will be my future" to the passive "I wonder what will happen".

Sure, like most women little thoughts pop in my head by the millions throughout the day, I wonder this or think about that but to really just stare at a wall, sitting in a completely quiet room, just thinking. Well its kind of amazing. Not neccassairly good amazing or bad amazing, perhaps some of both. Normally, I don't allow myself to escape like this, to take this amount of time to just think. To really think.


I wonder as many of Infertiles must wonder if I fear being a mother more than fear not being a mother. After ttc for so many years, you begin to try to force yourself into a healing mode. You tell yourself you don't want children, you tell yourself it will never happen. Really, for me anyway, I was unable to deal with the real painful stuff so I swept it under a rug in the corner of my mind. Which brings me to where I am now. I just don't know. I wonder how thats possible after all the years of ttc, after the m/c, after all thats happened. I wonder how its possible for me to *not* know what I want. Sure, I still love the idea of a child. I think I care less and less each day about weather that child is genetically linked to either dh or myself. I think about when my nephew is here. Thats when I'm the very happiest. I feel a certain pride with my nephew, even though I'm just an aunt. My heart bursts at the seams for him. I think if I can love him that much with him only being my nephew, well than I must be fit for motherhood.

One thing I thought about today that I hadn't (really)thought about for a long time and some of my readers may know this already-we had attempted to adopt an infant from a very bad situation years ago and it fell through. Thats a feeling that I don't know I could stomache to feel again. I barely even ever got to hold him yet I feel I was put in the situation to adopt him not by chance but because I was destined to be his mother. I think of how old he would be. I even see "them" including "him" now and again at local events or walmart. I avoid eye contact for fear of falling on the floor wailing loudly for my baby. DH very much believes I am or should be "over it". Considering that the baby was born addicted to many illegals, perhaps he's right and we got "lucky" by "getting out of it". Of course my feeling is more like we got robbed, they stole my child. No I didn't birth that child but the home life I could have provided for that child, the sheer love, there is no way what he's been given can compare. I feel like I was cheated in the worst way you could cheat a person.

And then theres the m/c. I'm still shocked much of the time that we got pg without medical intervention, without even trying. Talk about irony considering we were at a point of giving up, trying to live happily as a married couple without children. It was getting easier all the time, before long we didn't even have to fake being happy, we just were. And then bam! Our lives were turned right side up(as opposed to upside down) when I saw that BFP. I'd never gotten a bfp. We were over the moon redicously happy. Thinking of it still brings a smile to my face. I want to remember that feeling so much more than the feeling of dread I had when I discovered the blood, or even worse when it was confirmed.

My bday is coming up in oh about 10 days or so. I am in a much better place in many ways then I was a few years ago. I still think I've been dealt a bad hand but I question if I stay in the game if I'll ever get a good hand or not. So I guess the question is is it worth it? Wish I knew the answer, but as is everything in life, the answer is not yet clear. I do know this, we can't wait much longer. Come the 26th of Oct, I will celebrate my 28th bday, dh his 37th. Neither of us will want to become parents much past either of these ages. In fact, at one point dh said absolutely not after turning 35(for him). Its funny how we can change our minds on that easily when trying to fill your hearts desire.

life is such a process..

Really, its freaking exhausting. Wouldn't it be easier if we were just here, and say by age 20 knew all we needed to know? Sure, its a neat idea, learning everyday, evolving, the way things change, yadayada yada BUT. Man can it suck sometimes.

I'm finding myself trying to save a marraige I don't know if I want to save or not. I find myself completely discontent with my work. I tell myself I'm worth so much more, I should have been something more. Yeah, I dont love my job. I'm facing something that is fairly new to me, fear. I'm too afraid to do anything about it, to follow my passions. And so I stay.(both the job and maybe my mariage). I'm a big ole scardy cat. I know I'm young, I can always go back to school, start following my dreams,etc...But the fear of failure is there.

I go back and forth on ttc past,non existant present and future. No, we arn't ttc in any way, shape or form(that would be stupid since my marriage is on the rocks). My failure to concieve followed by what felt like my only chance at pregnancy ending in miscarriage are raw spots. It stings sometimes. Its not a constant cut to the quick kind of pain it was during the RE and treatment days, but yeah, when I think I'll never have babies of my own to love, nurture and watch grow. well, it puts a lump in my throat. I get a bit teary. And not entirely for myself, I get sad for anyone whose ever struggled. I think of online friends like Simone, Liss, Daisy,Nona and other long time ttc'ers I know irl. All in all, I've come a long ways in the form of acceptance over IF hell. I don't dislike people solely because they have kids nor do I dispise pg women. Perhaps for the first time in my life, I actually see children for what they really are, the whole idea of family. Its all such a miracle, one that so many parents overlook so easily.

I miss the old me. The fearless me. The girl who followed her dreams, believed in herself, was passionate. The girl that had goals. I wish I could turn back time and take that with me from the past so I could have it now.

walking down memory lane...

You ever have mini flashbacks? At my cousins wedding this last weekend, I did the unthinkable-I cried. That is so *NOT ME*, or at least it didn't used to be me. I was crying for her, worried she's making a mistake, I was crying for me, worried I made a mistake 9 yrs ago by vowing my life to the man I loved(love?)... I can remember thinking seconds before walking down the isle that there is always an out in marraige if it "doesn't work out". That can't be a good sign. Then again, maybe thats something lots of brides feel but won't say. Maybe its a sign of cold feet? Maybe its just the realist in me, knowing the hell my mother went thorugh for years with my father in a love less marriage, and knowing that after all those years, she finally got out. So maybe it was my way of being rational, telling myself that if we couldn't make it work, I could always divorce him... In any event...

The mini flashbacks don't stop there. I remembered the first boy I told I loved the other day while cleaning out emotional cobwebs. I hadn't thought of that for many years. I wonder why its resurfaced now? It broke my heart that he didn't tell me back. At least not right then. He looked scared, like a deer caught in the headlights of a car bearing down on him. We broke up not long after that. I didn't love him, I was too young at that age to know what true love was. Maybe I'm still too young and/or immature to know what true love is. Afterall, where would I have ever witnessed that firsthand? Certainly not by watching my parents marraige.

They knew how to put on a happy face, my mom and dad. People were shocked at the allegations my mom made after she packed up and left him. I'm certain most people didn't believe a word she said, some still probally don't believe her-especially about the abuse. I reconnected a while back with a childhood friend who insists my father was not a drunk. She never saw my dad be anything but nice. How should I respond to such a thing,really? You spend so many years hiding the facts, pretending your part of a happy family that even now I feel my BP and heart rate rise when I talk out loud about my relationship with my father, or about my parents relationship with one another. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, so I down play it, at least out loud in the presence of others. Somehow I must have been made to feel as if I were to blame because to this day there is a shamefull feeling about my fathers actions/his drinking/the seperation/the divorce.

I remember when I first saw my dad after mom and me left. He cried. I had never seen him cry, not even when my baby brother passed away years earlier. He begged me to talk mom into coming back to him, he said that if I insisted on coming back home, he knew she would too. He was right. We had left before and I missed home, we were gone for part of a summer and then went back. Things had gotten better for a time, but it didn't last. Slowly, things got worse and worse. I do remember feeling pressured, like I held the ability to keep the family together, even though I knew realistly, it would have only been a matter of time before someone would have gotten seriously hurt...or worse. Sometimes I think, still to this day I carry some shame, some guilt because I didn't do more to keep the family together, even if that were truely impossible. Sure I wasn't the one who tore the family apart, but I.....arrrgggh

theres more so much more. It seems like I'm uncovering more everyday. Its not all bad, or at least on the surface doesn't seem bad(I remember back roading with my dad a lot when I was young-they were at the time good memories-now I know that drinking a case of beer in a day and driving isn't so good-especially when you've got your kid with you)--....In any event, I feel like I'm searching for something. Like I've hidden so many things in the back of my mind that its time to do an emotional clean up- sort through the memories, deal with the emotions that come with said memorys. I think my subconscious may be looking for answers.

Emotional crap aside, life is fair right now. Things have slowed down a bit from my last post. I am healthy, working desperatly to save our marriage, working hard in the garden again and we've ordered the wood to do the wrap around porch we've wanted for years. Its mostly gonna be dh and I doing it, yes in this horrid heat and humidity. This fall, we're going to Tn to visit friends. I can't wait!