did something unusual today...

Or at least unusual for me. I found myself staring at a wall for at least a good hour, possibly closer to 2 even. I was so deep in thought, trying to wrap my mind about things. Recalling things from the past, pondering the here and now and guessing the future. Its funny, I remember the feeling of knowing(or at least thinking I knew) what the future would hold. But that was once upon a lifetime. I wonder when that changed- when I went from one extreme to the other, went from the control freak of "this will be my future" to the passive "I wonder what will happen".

Sure, like most women little thoughts pop in my head by the millions throughout the day, I wonder this or think about that but to really just stare at a wall, sitting in a completely quiet room, just thinking. Well its kind of amazing. Not neccassairly good amazing or bad amazing, perhaps some of both. Normally, I don't allow myself to escape like this, to take this amount of time to just think. To really think.


I wonder as many of Infertiles must wonder if I fear being a mother more than fear not being a mother. After ttc for so many years, you begin to try to force yourself into a healing mode. You tell yourself you don't want children, you tell yourself it will never happen. Really, for me anyway, I was unable to deal with the real painful stuff so I swept it under a rug in the corner of my mind. Which brings me to where I am now. I just don't know. I wonder how thats possible after all the years of ttc, after the m/c, after all thats happened. I wonder how its possible for me to *not* know what I want. Sure, I still love the idea of a child. I think I care less and less each day about weather that child is genetically linked to either dh or myself. I think about when my nephew is here. Thats when I'm the very happiest. I feel a certain pride with my nephew, even though I'm just an aunt. My heart bursts at the seams for him. I think if I can love him that much with him only being my nephew, well than I must be fit for motherhood.

One thing I thought about today that I hadn't (really)thought about for a long time and some of my readers may know this already-we had attempted to adopt an infant from a very bad situation years ago and it fell through. Thats a feeling that I don't know I could stomache to feel again. I barely even ever got to hold him yet I feel I was put in the situation to adopt him not by chance but because I was destined to be his mother. I think of how old he would be. I even see "them" including "him" now and again at local events or walmart. I avoid eye contact for fear of falling on the floor wailing loudly for my baby. DH very much believes I am or should be "over it". Considering that the baby was born addicted to many illegals, perhaps he's right and we got "lucky" by "getting out of it". Of course my feeling is more like we got robbed, they stole my child. No I didn't birth that child but the home life I could have provided for that child, the sheer love, there is no way what he's been given can compare. I feel like I was cheated in the worst way you could cheat a person.

And then theres the m/c. I'm still shocked much of the time that we got pg without medical intervention, without even trying. Talk about irony considering we were at a point of giving up, trying to live happily as a married couple without children. It was getting easier all the time, before long we didn't even have to fake being happy, we just were. And then bam! Our lives were turned right side up(as opposed to upside down) when I saw that BFP. I'd never gotten a bfp. We were over the moon redicously happy. Thinking of it still brings a smile to my face. I want to remember that feeling so much more than the feeling of dread I had when I discovered the blood, or even worse when it was confirmed.

My bday is coming up in oh about 10 days or so. I am in a much better place in many ways then I was a few years ago. I still think I've been dealt a bad hand but I question if I stay in the game if I'll ever get a good hand or not. So I guess the question is is it worth it? Wish I knew the answer, but as is everything in life, the answer is not yet clear. I do know this, we can't wait much longer. Come the 26th of Oct, I will celebrate my 28th bday, dh his 37th. Neither of us will want to become parents much past either of these ages. In fact, at one point dh said absolutely not after turning 35(for him). Its funny how we can change our minds on that easily when trying to fill your hearts desire.

long time no blog

for a whole lotta differnt reasons. Its not that I don't have anything to say, I've always got plenty going on and plenty to say. Just nothing too exciting. Life for the most part is good right now...or at least ok. sometimes thats as good as it can get, right?

Lets see, my relationship with dh seems to be improving everyday. I remember why I fell in love with him again. We've been tackling projects around the house big time and we've been enjoying it. Not that its fun stuff, but we're enjoying the time we are spending together. We haven't been able to turn the not so fun tasks into fun by being together in quite some time. I almost forgot that doing nothing much or tackling a big project together could be so much fun. He's more considerate and does little things daily that melt my heart. Things like coming up behind me while I'm doing the dishes at the sink and putting his arms around me, telling me he'll take over and to go sit down and relax. Thats my REAL idea of romance. Thats love, IMO. I know we've still got a ways to go-my biggest fear is that we'll get lazy again, quit doing for each other, quit caring and it will all fall apart once again.

To get on with it: the projects, we're heading to Tn on vacation to see friends in a couple weeks time. I've got a list that seems to be a mile long of things that MUST get done before we leave. If these things(or at least the majority of them) don't get done, we'll postpone the trip, bad as I hate to because coming straight back from vacation, we'll have family here from FL. I always do some kind of dinner or something while they are here but this year, I want more. With the deck nearly completed(its been done as far as the building goes for over a month now), I couldn't think of anything better than a deck party while they are here. So, we ordered the redwood sealer that we really liked after my extensive over analyzing research on which deck sealer is the best for hardwoods(really I probally spent a good 20 hours reading up on all of it online,rediculous I know). So, we ordered it over 2 weeks ago and have been impatiently awaiting its arrival. Finally, it came. Yesterday and part of the evening before were spent power washing the deck and house. I was amazed at how dirty the deck had already gotten since we just got it finished a bit over a month ago. The wood has really dried out, started splitting quite bad in some places. So we were really ready to get started on the sealing. We got most of it done today. Now we're crossing our fingers that the rain won't mess up our beautiful work-theres a chance tomorrow. Its much darker than we originally anticipated but a beautiful, beautiful redwood color, reminds me a LOT of cedar, which I love. Tomorrow evening after work, we'll finish the 10% or so left of the sealing and then it will be on to power washing and begin sealing the front deck-which is much much smaller and shouldn't be near the project.

Other than the deck, we've got to get the garden back under control. We have to. Theres no way I can let my rich relatives see weeds and grass in my gardens, lol. I've been so pre occupied in things that can't wait that the garden has been left to fend for itself. Only the strong plants survive around here. I've got a knockout rose that is constantly blooming and does good taking care of itself. If it gets really dry, I try to give it a drink. I've got some coleus that nearly drowned from the friday before labor day when we picked up 5 inches of rain in a matter of a few hours. My cockscomb is BEAUTIFUL! I will definately dry a head or two and save some seed to replant this next year, its soooo pretty(and carefree). Oh, the morning glories and moon flowers also do wonderfully when left alone, the morning glorys actually stay bloomed out until late evening now. All the planting I done early this spring has made for a very tired gardener who works one FT job, one PT job and donates about 10 hours a week at the animal shelter. Not that I'm complaining. I love my life most of the time. Its just hard to fit everything in!

I also MUST MUST MUST get this house into shape before we leave for TN. I want to get the walls all washed which is a huge project what with moving all the furniture and all. I would love to have the kitchen painted by the time the FL folks come up here but am trying to not overwelm myself and put more on my plate than is possible. There are other little things I want done before we leave to. Guess we'll see how things pan out!

Re: the deck party. We're having a guy we know smoke brisket and ribs. And we'll have the traditional picnic-y sides. You know, potato salad, baked beans, and such. A friend of mine does mobile d.j ing and has offered her services as a very good rate so depending on how things go, I may have her play. I'm planning on inviting both sides of the family, and tons of friends. Expecting over 100 people probally. I know, I should be shot! LOL! But, my mom will help me. Nothing like coming home from vacation and throwing yourself deep into work, huh? But its not like I don't want to do it. Because I do, I think it will be fun. Which reminds me, if the weathers bad the party will have to be moved to the garage outside which is another HUGE project getting that all in order, just in case.*sigh*

Oh! I almost forgot to mention the other reason for not keeping up with blogging, or at least the reason for the last week. I have been computer-less, until today. DH was online on the toshiba last week and it just died. I fully expected for the puter dr to fix it, but it was time to lay her to rest. We haven't buried her yet,lol, maybe we should have her cremated! Anywho, as of today, I am the proud owner of a refurbed gatway. So far, so good.

phew! better get to making the rest of my online rounds, gotta get up early tomorrow.yipee

winning the battle...(?)

Or at least I feel like it at the moment. Had kind of a breakthrough at marriage counselling, I felt cornered at first but by the end of the session, I felt so relieved. I had to admit what I wanted, what I *really* wanted for our relationship. I waver on this so often that its hard to know from one moment to the next what I want but now...NOW... I have commited that I want to make this work, that I want to be happily married again to my husband. I know that it may not work, hence the true cause(I believe) for my wavering. Strangely enough, its a lot like ttc. After so long, you become numb to failed cycles, you don't plan on it ever being "your month", its a defense mechanism. I've used it my entire life, to protect myself from rejection, pain, possible failure. But sometimes you have to take the plunge, jump...Maybe you'll sink, maybe not.


I've got many more things to blog about but those will have to wait till next time. for now, lifes truely ok. :)

funky funk-ness...

the only way I know how to describe things right now. While very busy with work and life, I find myself un fulfilled. I'm bored. I'm....blah. I daydream about going to Tn on vacation-I feel a NEED to get away, and soon. I have no interest in another day of work, another day of nothing ness.

I catch up online every couple of days, see big things happening to all my online friends and while I wish them well, I don't post. I don't respond. I feel too self consumed in my nothingness.

This upcoming month is going to be insane with projects, gotta get the house and deck powerwashed, both decks sealed, plan a party that I'm hosting, get tons of house crap done(wash the walls for SURE). I've got to get a drs appt made for sometime in Sept(boy do i have a list of stuff to talk to the dr about). I just wanna run away, just not deal with it,any of it. I know I'm an adult and with that comes responsibilites and I feel like a big baby complaining, and maybe I am. but. I don't give a flying fuck. I'm tired....Now I know how the critters that run around and around on the inside of the little wheel must feel-but then again they are probally better adjusted than me, and they do seem content doing that all day- but me, I don't want to run around the inside of the wheel, I want freedom dammit.

Oh and get this. DH wants to ttc. I actually lol when he dropped that one on me. I dont think I'll ever get "him". I was like "Huh, wtf?" I gently reminded him that we are still healing, still struggling, still attending marraige counselling, we've got a long way to go. He counters my arguement with "don't you still want kids"....I wish I knew. I do know that I don't want to ttc right now or any time in the near future. I had a dream the other night that my cousin(19) who is pg with a girl ended up having twins-somehow they missed this during her numerous ultrasounds, (rofl, thats the great part about dreams, they dont have to make sense). Anyway, one was a boy and she gave him to me saying she didn't want to raise a boy, she wanted to keep the girl but wanted me to have the boy. weird! I woke up more confused than ever.

Since I am finally beginning to get a bit tired I'll leave this here for the moment. must sleep so I can get up tomorrow and do the same ole going thorugh the motions of life bit. stay tuned

life is such a process..

Really, its freaking exhausting. Wouldn't it be easier if we were just here, and say by age 20 knew all we needed to know? Sure, its a neat idea, learning everyday, evolving, the way things change, yadayada yada BUT. Man can it suck sometimes.

I'm finding myself trying to save a marraige I don't know if I want to save or not. I find myself completely discontent with my work. I tell myself I'm worth so much more, I should have been something more. Yeah, I dont love my job. I'm facing something that is fairly new to me, fear. I'm too afraid to do anything about it, to follow my passions. And so I stay.(both the job and maybe my mariage). I'm a big ole scardy cat. I know I'm young, I can always go back to school, start following my dreams,etc...But the fear of failure is there.

I go back and forth on ttc past,non existant present and future. No, we arn't ttc in any way, shape or form(that would be stupid since my marriage is on the rocks). My failure to concieve followed by what felt like my only chance at pregnancy ending in miscarriage are raw spots. It stings sometimes. Its not a constant cut to the quick kind of pain it was during the RE and treatment days, but yeah, when I think I'll never have babies of my own to love, nurture and watch grow. well, it puts a lump in my throat. I get a bit teary. And not entirely for myself, I get sad for anyone whose ever struggled. I think of online friends like Simone, Liss, Daisy,Nona and other long time ttc'ers I know irl. All in all, I've come a long ways in the form of acceptance over IF hell. I don't dislike people solely because they have kids nor do I dispise pg women. Perhaps for the first time in my life, I actually see children for what they really are, the whole idea of family. Its all such a miracle, one that so many parents overlook so easily.

I miss the old me. The fearless me. The girl who followed her dreams, believed in herself, was passionate. The girl that had goals. I wish I could turn back time and take that with me from the past so I could have it now.

You don't ever really get used to it...

Forgive my randomness:

IF always hurts. Even after you come to terms with it yourself, you still find yourself rooting for other IFers.

I just read about an online friend who has suffered loss after loss and is more than likely in the midst of her 7th loss. Its KILLING me. My heart is so heavy for her. I can't wrap my head around such a seemingly simple concept. I hurt for her so much, so deeply. She is one of the most amazing women I've met thorugh the online world, and so worthy of holding her child in her hands. My thoughts are with her.

***

Sometimes I almost wish I were religious. But you can't help not beliving anymore than those who claim to "feel" gods presence, and know he's there. I, just like them, simply can't accept anything other than what I feel. And I've never been a true believer, despite attending sunday school and church my entire childhood. Sometimes it seems it would be easier to say "I'm praying for you" or "its in gods hands". To believe that I could talk to a greater power and it wouldn't be the equivalant of me talking to myself. Seems it definately would be easier than beliving that shit just happens in life and there isn't any real rhyme or reason to any of it.

***

The deck is DONE. We're thrilled with the outcome. its better than we thought it could have been. Once the bottom is enclosed with white lattice and the decdk sealed, its a done deal(so technically its not done-done). We spent a few nights sitting out there in our rocking chairs listening to nothing but the wisper of the wind and the crickets. Its peaceful, relaxing, wonderful.

***

The marriage thing. hmmmmph Its slow going but is getting better. We are both working insanely hard, trying to get some stuff paid off and save what we can for our vacation in Oct. I can't wait. I need a vacation, to get away and get out of this huge rut.

thats all folks-gotta get some zzzz's

walking down memory lane...

You ever have mini flashbacks? At my cousins wedding this last weekend, I did the unthinkable-I cried. That is so *NOT ME*, or at least it didn't used to be me. I was crying for her, worried she's making a mistake, I was crying for me, worried I made a mistake 9 yrs ago by vowing my life to the man I loved(love?)... I can remember thinking seconds before walking down the isle that there is always an out in marraige if it "doesn't work out". That can't be a good sign. Then again, maybe thats something lots of brides feel but won't say. Maybe its a sign of cold feet? Maybe its just the realist in me, knowing the hell my mother went thorugh for years with my father in a love less marriage, and knowing that after all those years, she finally got out. So maybe it was my way of being rational, telling myself that if we couldn't make it work, I could always divorce him... In any event...

The mini flashbacks don't stop there. I remembered the first boy I told I loved the other day while cleaning out emotional cobwebs. I hadn't thought of that for many years. I wonder why its resurfaced now? It broke my heart that he didn't tell me back. At least not right then. He looked scared, like a deer caught in the headlights of a car bearing down on him. We broke up not long after that. I didn't love him, I was too young at that age to know what true love was. Maybe I'm still too young and/or immature to know what true love is. Afterall, where would I have ever witnessed that firsthand? Certainly not by watching my parents marraige.

They knew how to put on a happy face, my mom and dad. People were shocked at the allegations my mom made after she packed up and left him. I'm certain most people didn't believe a word she said, some still probally don't believe her-especially about the abuse. I reconnected a while back with a childhood friend who insists my father was not a drunk. She never saw my dad be anything but nice. How should I respond to such a thing,really? You spend so many years hiding the facts, pretending your part of a happy family that even now I feel my BP and heart rate rise when I talk out loud about my relationship with my father, or about my parents relationship with one another. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, so I down play it, at least out loud in the presence of others. Somehow I must have been made to feel as if I were to blame because to this day there is a shamefull feeling about my fathers actions/his drinking/the seperation/the divorce.

I remember when I first saw my dad after mom and me left. He cried. I had never seen him cry, not even when my baby brother passed away years earlier. He begged me to talk mom into coming back to him, he said that if I insisted on coming back home, he knew she would too. He was right. We had left before and I missed home, we were gone for part of a summer and then went back. Things had gotten better for a time, but it didn't last. Slowly, things got worse and worse. I do remember feeling pressured, like I held the ability to keep the family together, even though I knew realistly, it would have only been a matter of time before someone would have gotten seriously hurt...or worse. Sometimes I think, still to this day I carry some shame, some guilt because I didn't do more to keep the family together, even if that were truely impossible. Sure I wasn't the one who tore the family apart, but I.....arrrgggh

theres more so much more. It seems like I'm uncovering more everyday. Its not all bad, or at least on the surface doesn't seem bad(I remember back roading with my dad a lot when I was young-they were at the time good memories-now I know that drinking a case of beer in a day and driving isn't so good-especially when you've got your kid with you)--....In any event, I feel like I'm searching for something. Like I've hidden so many things in the back of my mind that its time to do an emotional clean up- sort through the memories, deal with the emotions that come with said memorys. I think my subconscious may be looking for answers.

Emotional crap aside, life is fair right now. Things have slowed down a bit from my last post. I am healthy, working desperatly to save our marriage, working hard in the garden again and we've ordered the wood to do the wrap around porch we've wanted for years. Its mostly gonna be dh and I doing it, yes in this horrid heat and humidity. This fall, we're going to Tn to visit friends. I can't wait!

Busy,Busy,Busy...

Life is spinning right now. Besides work(60ish hours a week) I'm helping my bro and SIL out this week by keeping my nephew some while his regular sitter is on vacation. Awww,right? NO! He is SOOOOO 2 yrs old! Don't get me wrong, when he's sweet, I love him to bits, I want a child so bad that my heart aches but when he's thrown himself on the floor kicking and screaming because I cut him off after one big bowl of ice cream, and I try to console him to which he hits me and tries to bite me. Yeah, if I were the praying type, thats when I'd pray a big 'ole THANK YOU to the man upstairs for the curse of IF.(I'm actually agnostic). Anywho.

My garden is going to hell. Lucky me I planted lots of drought tolerant stuff that can take some heat and dryness. The rest,well I guess it will die, like a lot of it I planted back this spring. Some nights I get home so late I don't have time to work in the garden, its already dark. Other nights, I just don't have the energy left.

Our 4th was good. We took nephew to the local fireworks display in the evening after the usual fish fry at my grandfathers. The moring of the 4th was spent at the parade. Yeah, exhausting day for me, DH, and J. The next day-yesterday I hosted family dinner night. Made 2 HUGE chicago stype pizzas from scratch. Turned out yummy. Pretty much I spent my day off cleaning and cooking.

More of the same for this week. No time to garden, letting all my hard work go to hell. Picking up nephew 3 days this week after work, one night I'll drop him off @ moms so that will be good. I love him I really do. I just hate the terrible 2s! LOL

My cousins wedding is coming up this weekend. She's a total bridezilla. REALLY. I've quit taking calls from her. I just don't have the energy to give her when in the end they will be married. I kept trying to tell her, thats all that really matters. She wants to marry him, and she's gonna. The rest really is just fluff..... I've been trying to find something to wear but keep having that "everything I own is ugly, I'm too fat" thing going on over and over. I don't have time to do any shopping(and if I did I wouldn't probally waste money on a dress that more than likely would never be worn again).sigh

DH and I have marriage counselling Wednesday. Things with us have been good the last couple of days. He's making an effort and I'm appreciative. He cashed in his life insurance-I didn't stop him but wasn't pleased. He keeps saying we're gonna get away this fall, maybe to TN to see some friends we miss dearly. At first I thought this was his way of running from our problems, but really I think it would be good for us. I'm for it, I could use a few days of un planned fun. I don't know if I remember how to relax! LOL

Gotta get T in the tub-TMI: He apparently rolled in something today and sticks like a pig! there's no way he's sleeping in my bed smelling like that!(BTW, T is the dog, not DH-LMAO)...

Oye-my thoughts are everywhere. No wonder I'm having trouble sleeping, my mind is racing.

emotional exhaustion

I feel so beat emotionally sometimes. I look perfectly fine on the outside. I have no fever, am not sick to my stomache but deeper than any of that, I feel like life has beat the crap out of me. Sometimes I long to be the carefree girl I used to be. But thats gone, I've been defeated. My spirit has been broken.

My marriage is still so rocky. Sometimes I love him more than words can say and other times I.... well i hate him. I'm caught somewhere between the fairy tale marriage is supposed to be and the hell that marriage can be. Sometimes I feel happy and sometimes I am so filled with anger, and feel so alone. As stated before communication has always been an issue in our marriage. I have finally figured out that I'm partly responsible for that. See marriage is supposed to be 50/50. HA! I think most people who would tell you their marriage is always 50/50 are just trying to fool you and themselves in the process. I think most marriages are like ours, someone wears the pants at least 60% of the time and the other goes with it. I don't see how it could work any other way, seriously. If you've got 2 people who are completely passive, nothing will ever be decided upon, nothing will ever happen. If you've got 2 super controllers, nothing but fights and head butting will go on. Well I gotta admit, I'm the pants wearer in this family. DH was allready passive when we got married but over the years, its gotten worse. For some reason(maybe laziness) I took the reins, made all the decisions probally immasculating my husband in the time being. It had gotten so bad, I just felt like he was on board with whatever so I quit asking how he felt/what he wanted. Even now if I ask what he wants for dinner its always something like"I don't care, whatever" even tho he does have a preferance. Its irritating. The biggest problem with this is if I make a bad decision on my own, and it backfires, I feel left alone as the one to take the blame. I made the decision, I screwed up, lay the blame on me. solely. alone. Its ALL my fault. Its a lonely feeling.

In any event, we're both working on it. Sometimes me harder than him. Sometimes I think its a lost cause, like it will never be what I always hoped it would be....one of my friends asked me what it is exactly that I want to change. Its hard to say really. I know I need more communication, I want things to be more 50/50 or at least closer to that. I don't want to ever feel emotinally lonely in my marriage. I don't just want to stay married but I want to be happily married. Now I realize, there are bumps, we've been through a lot of them in these 9 yrs. things won't always be perfect, but I want to feel like we're experiencing these things together. I want us to be a team.

Something kinda weird, I always thought when peoples marriages were unstable that there was lots of fights, things being thrown around, lots of screaming, that kind of thing. We have never really been the type to have more than a tiny hiccup here and there in the way of arguements. But maybe thats because of his passive nature, and my nature to take charge which by the way I know needs to change as well, in order for him to become more agressive, I have to step back a little. I know it won't be easy. for either of us.

anywho-time to take little man outside to potty before bed. most of the stuff i planned on getting done this afternoon got missed. I ended up going with my nephew and mom to my cousins dance recital. it was so stinkin' cute.

random ramblings and stuff going on...

I'm in such a wierd place right now. Sometimes I feel like things are spinning out of control, like everything is just moving, except for me. I'm in a rut of some sort? I dunno. Its like if your on a rollar coaster and about to lose your cookies, screaming at the top of your lungs to "STOP OR I'M GONNA THROW UP" doesn't matter to them, or at least the ride doesn't stop just to let you get off. I feel like I am going through the motions of everything but not really feeling anything or letting anything effect me. Maybe I'm just distaincing myself from myself and my life.hmmmmm....

DH has moved back in. things are going ......ummmm..........ok, I guess. Not good, not bad. I really am devoting my all to trying to help the situation. He's trying too, although I think he's more "doing things"(helping me around the house more, picked me flowers yesterday,etc) instead of doing any sort of internal self work, if that makes sense.

My cousin, the one whose life is such a mess stayed here for a couple of days. She has officially left her deadbeat boy toy, much to my delight. I am certain she can't make any kind of self improvement with him in her corner. She's really starting to act like a mother to be which is a relief to me. I was really worried prior to the past few days, mostly for the unborn baby. Now, she's looking for an apartment, rather than staying with random people here and there, counting on others to help her out. She's gotten herself a job, not a great job but a job. I'm proud of her. She's finally realized how big of a deal being a single mother is going to be, and she's owning up!

Gardening has been horrendous. I'm finding it really hard to keep up with pulling the weeds and keeping the grass down. And the heat,ugggh. Over 100 today with a heat advisory thorugh tomorrow night. I don't think the air has kicked off all day here at home(i'm "working" from here today). the electric bill is gonna kick my butt!!

Due to a few sorta unexpected big bills, I think dh has decided he's gonna cash in his life insurance. I think its stupid but am trying to not pick a fight, afterall it is his policy. even if cashing it in means only getting half or so of what he's paid in the last 10 yrs. With things the way they are right now, I'm just kinda trying to pick my battles. Seeing Kate on tv last night made me see the kind of wife I don't want to be. I am NOT a victim. I don't want to be seen as a victim.

We went out with friends on their boat this last Saturday in celebration(if you will) of our 9th wedding anniversary. It was strange, I didn't think we'd be spending the day together but said friends kind of set this up for us, trying to get us back together or whatever. I know people mean well but I'm not a big fan of the butting in. Spending time with him, with them there as well, on the boat was good. It was comfortable, not strange feeling like it would have been if we spent the day apart, or together alone.

DH has been talking a lot about future plans. This bothers me for 2 reasons. first, I'm not as certain as he seems to be about our future plans and second, I'm a much better rein taker than he. Maybe this is part of his transformation, he's trying to be more open, which i appreciate but I'm not sure how I feel about him planning trips for us,etc. And he's talked about doing some of the remodeling I had mentioned before(you know before it all went south). I'm not sure where our marriage is at, nor where it will be at in the times to come so I'm not really on board with spending money on a home that we currently share. maybe i should just jump in with both feet, give in but this feels safer to me. I have low expectations, that way just in case, I won't get hurt again.

Since the m/c, I have made huge strides in many ways. Most days I'm ok with the changes life has brought my way in terms of my plans and the actuality of infertility. But once in a while, for seemingly no reason, I seem to fall into a deep depression. I grieve for the loss, I grieve for the acceptance I can't seem to find, I grieve over the realization and I want peace. I want it so desperately. Normally, these episodes seem to pass quickly, only lasting maybe one night of sobbing. But boy does it suck when it hits.

Off to start dinner. I think we're having orange glazed baked chicken and rice and baked potatoes that dh dug up this morning before heading to work. I may make something for dessert, i've got a sweet tooth today.

realization #5 million and 68

After being with my mom this evening in wal mart and listening to her chit chat with an old friend she ran in to, it dawned on me as she was bragging to this lady about my nephew, I'll never do that. I'll never say "my grandkids blah blah blah". Now, I've gotten really used to answering the questions about not having children and I always figured that was just a part of life, like maybe people would quit asking once they assumed I was beyond child bearing years?? I'm not really sure what I thought but now I realize, this is a life long thing. Once they quit asking me if I have kids, then it will be "how many grandkids do you have?" Followed by them showing me pictures of all thier grandkids. Then I started thinking about my funeral, I guesss they'll just skip over the part of listing any survivors. Anywho, its not a sad thing, even if it sounds like a pity party, its just a realization.

Another realization, and I told h(no longer dh) this the other day, I don't want to be married to him anymore if it doesn't change. Not at all. I miss him, I love him like mad, but I simply haven't been happily married for over a good year now. Granted, it isn't always gonna be rainbows and butterflies BUT to not be happy for over a year in a marriage? That simply isn't right. Life is plain and simple too short to not be happy. And no one else can provide that for you, its something you have to find for yourself. He hasn't been happy either. We do still want to try to make it work, but not at the expense of an unfulfilled unhappy life. At this stage, we're just cooling off I guess. We've been talking daily but its so hard for him to open up and communicate with me. I try to encourage him but its just so tiring. I end up letting my temper flair and getting angry. Afterall, I'm not aksing for the unthinkable. I just want him to tell me how he feels, what he wants. Its sad that its so hard for him. And sad that I'm so hot headed towards him, and so impatient. I have to keep working on that, for sure.

when to take care of myself...

Not sure if I've mentioned it here or not but I've got a 19 y/o cousin who is pg. She has been shunned from the family pretty much over the past couple of years due to her problems with drugs,alchohol, men, run ins with the law,etc. Through it all, I've tried (and succeeded a lot of the time) in helping her resolve her various and sometimes self induced problems.

Now call me jealous or whatever but I simply can't help her with this. I tried, I really did but I can't listen to her ramble on and on about how lousy her boyfriend is(he is). Or about how she doesn't want to get fat,etc. A couple of days ago, she called 3 times within a matter of 5 minutes. I just didn't feel able to help her out of her current jam, and being stressed with my own problems at home and with work, I didn't answer. Not once of the 3 times. I finally returned her calls to find out what was new, telling her right away that I'd have to keep it short since I was still at work. The reason for her calls was to complain to me about how her BF won't help her with anything around the house when afterall she's"the one who has to carry the baby". I felt my face getting red and I swear my BP must have went through the roof. I found myself getting madder and madder with each word she uttered. Finally, I just cut her off and flat out told her I have my own freaking life that I need to focus on rather than listen to her constant nonstop blubbering about the latest crap she's gotten herself into. And I hung up, just like that.

This is where I'd like to point out that the excuse of "i'm the one who has to carry the baby-not him" is the stupidest thing i've ever heard in my life. Ummm, yeah you have to carry the baby, you've got the equipment. I hate to point out the obvious but what an ignorant thing to say- like he has the ability to carry the baby?!? Ummm, no.

The strange thing of all of this for me is I feel no remorse, none whatsoever. we've always been more like sisters than cousins. Me playing the role of the older more stable sister willing to do anything I can to help her clean up her life,etc. I gave and gave and gave and she...well, she took. And you know what? I'm tired. And I refuse to listen to her rants about how she "has to carry this baby". Well you poor little ungrateful bitch! You had unprotected sex with a loser who has admitted to cheating on you several times in the past, he has stole from you, took your car for a one week trip without asking and brought it back damaged and YOU had to keep letting him come back-against my advice. Well, you're stuck this time. I can't help, and even if I could, I'm not gonna.

To understand the "big deal" about all of this for me, to know just how incredible it is that I haven't called her to beg forgiveness, to apologize to her (for her being an ass to me), knowing what I've been through, you've got to know a bit about the past. A quick run down of the past 3 yrs with her and myself: I have bailed her out of jail twice, picked her up from bars in the middle of the night more times than I can count, "loaned"(is it called a loan if it never gets pd back) her over $2000, checked her into 2 differnt clinics and been there for her either in person or via telephone 24/7 for the last 2 and a half years. I have changed plans, came back from vacation for her early due to some sort of "crisis" or another,even let her live with us rent free on and off for a time. All of those times I was hoping to make a differnce, help her. Now I am able to see that she plain and simple took advantage of me. And I'm just done. Time to take care of me, she's a big girl now and has to figure it out on her own....Did I mention she knows my ttc history, she knows about the m/c, the recent trouble with dh and I? And she still has the nerve to call me and complain about her relationship with the loser BF, and being pg. Being "the one who has to carry the baby". If she would have been standing in front of me, I think I could have punched her. seriously.

I feel good. like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Life really is what you make of it, at least some of the time. I'm not holding anyones hand. Not anymore. Life is hard enough without having to try to fix someone elses broken pieces.

one other recent bit of news on the dh front, he offically moved out, taking more with him this last time than before. I'm doing ok. well, most of the time. Its strange our 9 yr anniversary is coming up the 20th of this month. Looks like we won't be doing the usual anniversary dinner. I don't know where we really stand. I mean I know we're seperated but I don't know if he intends to file for divorce or what. We're both just cooling off right now. He missed our last therapy appt that I took off of work to attend, without so much as a phonecall. That to me said he is done trying. I am of course hurt. Still hopeful that things will work out I guess. I don't want to be divorced. I'm supposed to be happily married.

how funny...

I just re-read my last post. How funny that I have problems opening up to a therapist but can freely post online with no problems or fear of being judged. I'm certain it must be for the most part that its just simply to not give a crap about what people whom will most likely never meet me IRL will think of me. But I suspect there may be more to it than just that alone. I'll have to give it some thought.

I have tons of new news I could post, lots going on but time as usual just doesn't permit so this too shall be a short catch up blog.

Things with DH are still somewhat shakey. I find myself almost fantasizing what my life would be like it we would have never married. Now mind you, he IS a good dh-or at least I want to believe that but something has been lacking, obviously. Some sort of need must not be getting met. Its not like I just wonder what my life would be like, its more like a yearning to be single. He came and rescued me at a time in my life that I believed I wanted to be rescued, when really, I needed to find myself, rather than try to mold myself into some sort of trophy wife. And I believe due to that, due to the desperate attempts on my behalf to be the "right" type of wife, well I got even further and further from sorting my true self out. I lost contact with most of my friends-they were still wild and crazy. I was a married women....who forced myself to grow up too soon. And then theres the whole other side to the story, the part of me that loves him so desperately, that I feel I can't life without him. Almost like an addiction. In any event, I am certain that one way or another, things will be ok. It has to be. To an extent, its quite out of my control, and I like that, letting go of the control. Things not being my fault, but rather fate.

In other news, I've been working very hard on all aspects of my life, both physically and emotionally. I feel wonderful. content. I'm finally doing some things to control my sugar levels, even if its just small things like cutting wayyyyy back on the sweet tea,etc. My bp had been giving me trouble as well so I've been trying to keep that in check as well and feeling pro active in trying to take care of myself once again. Granted, I haven't lost any real weight to speak of, but weight doesn't neccasiarly point to health. Eating healthy is more important than a number on a scale, right? The emotional stuff, well its just old baggage that a less mature me just couldn't work through. I didn't know how, so I sorta stuck it away. Its strange when you begin really reminiscing about the past, the things that surface. Its almost like living it again sometimes, it feels that fresh and new. I still have zero desire to patch things up with my dad, I just don't want him in my life at this point but I've been wanting to call him and talk to him, and tell him I forgive him. I believe I used to feel as if he were an alchoholic by choice. More recently, I have tried to not judge him so harshly, partly due to my memories from young childhood. Memories of being daddys girl, good times. It had been so easy to throw those older, good memories away in favor for the more recent, more hurtful bad memories. I don't believe he really changed, I believe he fell victim to a terrible disease that had more control over him than he had control over it, and that changed who he was. In looking at it in that aspect, I can forgive him. I would want him to know if something were to happen to him, I'd want him to die knowing that I still remember the good old days, and that I forgive him for the bad days.

Looking at the time, I've gotta get in bed. I've got a very early appt with the vet tomorrow to get truckers pred. shot, followed by a 12 hr work day, followed by needed to de-weed the garden and some yard work, time permitting. Re: Trucker--Poor babys allergies are driving him insane. He scratches and chews on himself so much, he's getting a few tiny bald spots and red splotches. I know he's mierable. The vet has suggested in the past that its part food allergy related and partiallly grass related since it worsens so much this time of year. I'm not a fan of the whole steroid thing-but I can't watch him and not do anything knowing he's in pain, not if theres anything in my power I can do to relieve it.

FINALLY!! A breakthrough

So DH called me at work today wanting to know if he could come over tonight and talk. I of course agreed. It went really really well, I'm happy to say. He basically wanted to know where we go from here,phew, I'm glad I wasn't the only one wondering. I was as honest as I could be considering the state of mind I've been in, and as confused about it all as I have been. I told him I missed him but that things have got to change or it will never work. He agreed. At a friends advice, I told him what I needed and wanted and then done something I'm not sure I've ever thought to do before(more about this in a sec)---I asked him what he wanted and needed. Wow-I know your thinking how could she be so cold hearted to not even ask her dh what he needs or wants. Well to those of you, all I can tell you is that its very easy when your S.O is as passive as mine. When you know the answer is gonna be a shrug or a 'I dunno-whatever you want'(in a tone as if you'd just asked what we should have for dinner), well its quite easy to just not ask. I get tired of asking questions that I know what the answer will be before the question leaves my mouth so I have just learned over the years to quit wasting my breath. The point to asking even if you know the answer is so that the other person feels they have some sort of say, its to be considerate. Even if the answer is 'I dunno' or some other blow off, its in the ASKING that is powerful. See, I've pretty much tried to take control of the relationship, its just easier that way since I'm agressive and dh is quite passive. At least I can admit this and take the blame for it. DH also admitted tho that he let me take the reins, he allowed it. Maybe its some form of cop out, laziness,whatever.

In any event, dh openly shared a lot of the responsibility of problems. One of the big ones is our nearly non existant sex life. I had actually pretty much laid all the blame on myself for that one. Since starting celexa, plus weight gain, plus 2 jobs, stress, well I just didn't care one way or another weather it happened. Actually I did have a preferance, I perferred it didn't happen. Thats probally the worst kind of rejection a man can face. DH summed it up to himself that it was because he was unable to find a job, that I was disappointed in him, angry with him, he thought I thought he was a loser, so he quit trying to get any. I of course took a bit of offense to this, sure it had to have been because I'm so disgustingly fat and ugly(I do feel this way actually a lot of the time). So he was basically confirming what I was thinking/feeling about myself.

Its amazing how comfortable you can get in a marriage. You feel so safe and comfortable that you both can be dealing with the exact same thing and pushing one another away rather than holding on to one another when its needed the most. Similiarly, many things, I never asked dh how he felt, I probally told him how I felt and he tried to do the best to feel the same as me. Not that he's week, he's just not a boat rocker.

One big thing he brought up was the m/c, and how I pushed him away afterwards. I shocked myself by what came out of my mouth. I accused him of not caring, of not being saddened by it. Afterall I never saw not a single tear from him. And, he was at that point "over" ttc. He had come to terms with the fact that we wouldn't have any children. I believe I had thought I had, but I'm not sure you ever can fully come to terms with it, or at least I never got there like he did. It BLEW WE AWAY that I said this-I didn't even know I felt that. I never really expected to see any emotion from him over the m/c but still it hurt that I didn't. You know in looking back, it was one of the hardest things I'd ever been through, and I could have really used him during that time, its still hard a lot of the time. Yet. I pushed him away. again.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about all of it, the pushing him away, and differnt things and I can see a pattern starting from my childhood. Odd little habits that I've carried with me throughout life. I'm not saying I had a shit childhood but it could have been better. I went from being daddys little girl at one point to the place I'm at with my father now-we've barely spoken over the past several years. In highschool, I CRAVED attention from boys(i believed attention was love). If that meant the entire school believed me to be the biggest slut in school, well at least I stood out from the rest of the girls.


Eeeeks, here I am on a roll and my batterys almost done. I'll try to recharge and finish this after the storm. I would like to end this post by saying things arn't fixed between dh and I, but at least we're getting somewhere. I think with lots more open communication, (and a good therapist wouldn't hurt either I'm sure) that maybe, just maybe we can be happy again. He's not moving back in just yet, we both agreed that would just make things harder for the both of us right now but we are going to dinner tomorrow night- HE MADE THE PLANS-can you believe it??LOL....Who is this man who hasn't made reservations anywhere for at least 5 yrs?!

And so it goes...

DH and I had dinner last night. It went ok. We still haven't really touched on the subject of whats next(perhaps tap danced around). The truth is that he seems happy. How selfish am I to hope that he'll be miserable without me? But when I reallllllllllly think about it, I realize I haven't been any sort of fun to live with for the most part-since oh.....a couple of years ago now. I just hope that I haven't permently ruined things between us. I don't think I'm completely responsible but I do feel at least mostly responsible for not taking care of our marriage. For letting it be when it needed work the most and for pushing him away when I needed him. I want him back but I'm trying to get to the root of it, WHY I want him back. Is it because I'm crushed that after nearly 9 yrs of marriage, I want to make it work if at all possible-even if making it work is never going to happen? I know I've changed over the years-especially due in part to ttc. Has that change in me made it impossible for him to love me? Do I just want him back because I miss his presence even if I don't miss him-afterall the bed seems empty. No one wants to think about 'what if it doesn't work out' on their wedding day-they just want to believe it WILL work-or at least I did.

He asked if he could have trucker for a couple of days. I of course agreed(trucker has been missing him almost as much as me). He asked about the house, if there was anything he needed to come and do. As much as I want to beg him back, I'm not going to make up things to have him come do. Maybe by asking if theres anything I need for him to do, he's asking if I want him back....Maybe... Which ever way he said he was gonna come by and mow the lawn one day this week-I refused. He's not living here, why should he have to mow?? We both finally agreed he'd wait till my day off and come help me mow-with 2 people and 2 riders its still a 4 hour job--we have a huge yard.

I've been working on lots of outside projects around the house, gardening,etc. trying to keep my mind busy but really more than anything being outside gives me a good chance to get lots of good deep thinking done. I've been doing lots of reflection on my marriage, my inner being, my past and am hoping that it will lead me to an idea of what I truely want for the future.

I'm pretty sure we're in for a big storm again tonight so I had better get out to the car and roll my windows up before it starts.

Happy 'I'm not a mother' day...

And boy do I feel it today. My nephew got me an aunt happy mothers day card. While the sentiment was nice, it stung a bit. All in all, I'm doing well since the m/c but that coupled with the recent status of my marriage plus normal stresses, well it may have been sunny outside today but I felt cloudy and rainy all day. Its strange, I don't desperatly desire to be a mother anymore. I just feel...defeated. Maybe I'm a sore loser--

In any event, tonight was family dinner night. I asked dh to come and he did. Somehow I felt I needed that. In the last week, SIL has called twice to "check on me". The truth is she's trying to make me feel better by trying to side(?) with me. She runs dh down, saying things like "you were always too good for him", and other non helpful-make me want to slap the crap out of her comments about dh. I know she somehow thinks this is what I want to hear. Well, she's dead wrong. I KNOW HIM thanksverymuch. I LOVE HIM thanksverymuch. I kinda see it like this, she's your typical female, wanting to form some kind of sick bond while telling me how much better I can do than my dh. DRAMA,ugghhh. So I was very happy that he agreed to come tonight, I felt I needed him here, to protect me(or maybe to protect her from me). Strange how 2 faced she was, all nicey nice to him.

After everyone left, dh went out to his truck and brought me some flowers in. Its a mixed spring bouquet, very pretty. He explained how he wanted to get them for me since its mothers day(I'm not sure if this refers to the m/c or to trucker or both) but he wanted to do it in private. He made sure to tell me the flowers weren't a 'i'm sorry, i want you back' thing. Definately not that-more of a mothers day gift and thats it(he conveyed this in a round about not so many words kind of way). It was so strange, trying to talk to him, trying to make small talk. We're soooo NOT those type of people-at least not with one another.

I wanted to beg him back, to crawl on my hands and knees, to tell him I could change. To tell him we were made to be with each other forever. Part of me knows that I would be lying or at least unsure if I said all of that so I said nothing. I did say that I missed him. He answered with "me too". I don't know if I miss him so much because my routine is off, he's not here at night or if I miss the idea of living the rest of my life as I wished for so many years. I don't want to beg him back if 1) he doesn't want to be begged back and 2) its out of lonliness. I've got to get figured out what I want before I can go after it. And I've got to get in the right frame of mind to accept the fact that I've been a pretty miserable wife, and he may not want me back. Which leads to a whole 'nother can of worms....... My struggle with men and relationships since childhood-thanks dad. Won't get into that tonight tho-time for bed.

All the mothers get it over and over today so I want to wish all the non-mothers a happy day,even if I am posting this at the end of the day....happy day tomorrow,lol

dh moved out today...

he said he was tired of feeling like he wasn't wanted anymore and tired of me pushing him away. i can't believe this, i feel numb.


numb and unlovable.

marital stress

So, DH and I have been trying really hard to keep the communication lines open and work on all our problems in the hope of fixing things. I really feel at this point that its just pointless. Its strange, we talk about which of us will leave if it comes to that. I just never thought if it ever came down to this that we would both feel at peace but I think deep deep down, he's as fine with it as I am. I'm not saying I want a divorce or am ok with that idea, but I'm to the point where I think we both would be happier right now with a seperation. I almost feel like I've known this was coming. I'm not in shock or denial, just...mellow. I kind of feel like a weight was been lifted from my shoulders. He's basically passed the ball back to me saying all I have to do is ask and he'll move out "for a while". In a way, I think I'll never be able to ask him of that, like I'd be too afraid of hurting him. I do love him...I don't think either of us are in love anymore.

One of the biggest problems is the lack of communication on his part all these years. I've tried to accept it, just love him and go on but I think over the years its taken a serious toll on me. I've begged many of nights for him to open up to me but its never done any good. He's a closed book, unable to let me in...and it kills me. Throughout all of this, the only thing he says is he misses the old me-well yeah, join the club. I miss the old me too. I will never be the same, mostly due to ttc I believe. It always felt like I was on the journey alone. Even tho we were dealing with both male and female factor IF, it always felt like I was letting him down which was even harder than feeling like I let myself down. Why I felt like that I had no idea because in retrospect, he never seemed to mind too much. I guess the failure of all those years ttc, well I guess I hurt enough for both of us. I'm sure I cried enough tears for the both of us. I don't remember him ever once shedding a single tear. And I'm sure theres some resentment in that aspect. I think he was ready to give up ttc years before me but was just along for the ride so to speak. And I was so wound up in the struggle myself that I didn't see the signs, and of course as usual, he didn't actually tell me he wanted to give up, he never told me anything.

Yeah....I'm sure the resentment is obvious now.


I'm just almost certain that he can't be changed, that he doesn't have a desire to. And I'm just not sure I cna continue giving my all to a relationship when its a one way street. Don't get me wrong, he loves me, he's a fantastic man in more ways than not but maybe the things that seem little, after 9 yrs are beginning to turn into big things. I certainly hope this doesn't come off as a bashing post....oh who am I kidding, its my blog and I don't care what I sound like. Afterall I do it for the therapy.

I never really understood people splitting after so many years together claiming that they grew apart. Now, I almost can't see how 2 people could be together for so long and not grow apart. Its been an "AH_HA' moment in my life for sure. People grow, people change. Not just one person, but both people in a relationship grow and change. And if they are really lucky, its growth and change in the same direction, and if the are adverage everyday normal people, one of them grows and changes at a differnt rate than the other, driving a gap between the path that they once walked together. I really do believe that now.

I never thought this day would come. Ever. It was supposed to be forever. Whats stranger, it doesn't feel bad. I don't want my marraige to end but if I'm being completely honest with myself, I have a gut feeling that may be where things are going. And the fact that I'm eerily at peace with that, well.....its just odd. I guess I thought that if it ever ended, it would be him wanting to leave me and I'd be as in love as the day I said I do and it would tear my heart out. So to feel pretty much ok with the direction things are going, well its just odd. I wish he could tell me for a change what he feels. The truth is I'm not sure he's able to feel. And that is sad.

top 10 2 a.m truths...

I feel like owning up...

1. Sometimes I feel so strange-almost out of body. I'm not who I used to be. I miss myself. My old self.

2. I struggled with severe PTSD from the ages of 10 until....not sure I don't still deal with it often.

3. Starting around the age of 14, I was highly addicted to numerous things that made me numb. While I haven't used drugs in years and am able to keep my alcohol use in check now with no problem, sometimes I long for the feeling of that numbness. I wasn't a stupid kid, I knew everything I done was wrong, BUT I felt like I was punishing myself. And I've always felt I deserved to be punished.

4. I hate the color pink. I can deal with a pink shirt but a pink car or a matching pink outfit...PUKE...Reminds me of pepto bismol!

5. I have serious doubts about the state of my marriage. The spark just seems to be gone. I love him deeply but I don't know that either of us wants to be with the other anymore.

6. re: the state of my marriage- I blame a large part of our troubles on the years of ttc. Funny, everyone else always said it brought them closer together with thier partners. I think it tore us apart.

7. I still dream frequently about my brother who passed away almost 22 yrs ago. I talk to my dead grandpa sometimes and ask him for advice. Luckily, so far he doesn't talk back to me so I think I'm still sane.

8. I think I will always carry guilt with me over the m/c. Try as I may, I simply can't dismiss all the things I had done wrong in the very beginning of that pregnancy. Funny(not haha funny) how all those years I took my temp, wouldn't drink during the 2ww, watched what I ate, etc and then when finally I came to terms with remaining childless, all of that went out the window. Right along with properally monitoring my cycles.

9. I can think of 2 pretty good instances where I made horrible mistakes years ago(bad screw ups) that would be reason enough for me to not have children now. karma's a bitch

10. I have no long term goals. I have no idea what I want in the next 5 yrs. I don't know if I'll still be married then or not, or if I want to be. I don't know if I'll be traveling with the circus as a side show freak which I should be or if I'll be stuck in this itty bitty town. I feel I am worth soooo much more than this. Other times, I don't feel I'm worth the air I breathe.

now....maybe I can sleep. I hope no one feels obligated to reply, mostly i just need to get this crap out and be honest about it. reassurance isn't what i'm looking for here, i just need to be me.

heat wave and other stuff

Seems we have have missed the warm but not-too-warm, sunny but not sunburn sunny, some wind but not too windy spring days we're supposed to get here in Mo. Its gone straight to hot. Granted, its manageable, not overly humid like in the middle of summer, but its getting there. I feel like someone pissed in my cheerios, screwed me out of the best season. Guess I shouldn't complain,I know many places are still dealing with winter type weather so I'll take it and smile--what else is there? I've been getting an insane amt of gardening done, planted 2 teeny tiny burning bushes down the driveway, one on each side. Also planted some naked ladys and hyacinths earlier today. First on the list when I got home from work today was to pull off the clothes and get as close as naked as possible without making the neighbors talk so I could go outside and get things in order(not sure why i worry, the nearest neighbor isn't in view). After pittling around in the garden, I noticed my hummingbirds are out. YAY! Then, I managed to mow about 1/4th of the front yard(its a massive front yard).

In my recent quest of soul searching & self discovery, and in taking a good look at everything, I'm come to a bit of a realization. Well, it was part "me" and part of a HUGE arguement with dh the other night. I never really give him credit for his feelings, I have always gone about a lot of things in our marriage in a manner where I tell him "we're done ttc, I can't take it anymore" or "you will help me more around the house since your not working or I'll leave you". I never mentioned ttc since the m/c. He didn't know if we were or weren't or were ever going to again or not. I just left him in limbo, like that isn't a big enough issue that we need not discuss it? Being a father is every bit as big of a deal as being a mother. Afterall, he's not just along for the ride. Granted, I didn't even really know what I wanted myself but to not discuss it. To ignore the issue?? ....He feared mentioning it to me because my moods are sooooo sparatic, he was just going with the flow. Even tho he didn't really even know what the flow was. I'm ashamed to say, I've been very difficult at many times, pretty unbarable as a wife. He takes it because he loves me. I feel like crap knowing that the man I love with all my heart has no idea whats going on in my mind. Its so wrong to shut him out, if anything this is the time we need to cling to one another. Stick together, the hardest times are when you need that more than anytime. I had no idea that while trying to protect him from the deepest darkest times of my life that I was actually pulling him down with me by NOT sharing, by shutting down.

So, as these things tend to do, it all finally came to a head. DH actually left for the night. Without a doubt, one of the hardest nights of my life but I believe I.....No, WE both needed it. It forced me to face things I may have never delt with otherwise. I knew things between us weren't great but out of....laziness(?), I just wouldn't face it or try to do anything about it. Maybe after 9 yrs of marraige I felt secure. I wasn't scared he'd run out and cheat on me, I wasn't scared of losing him, I wasn't scared of any of that. Maybe thats overly secure? Maybe it just felt like too much to face at that time?? In any event, I have decided that if anything in the world is worth the effort, its my marriage. I don't just want it to work, I want to be happy, I believe that I can be happy with my marriage, I just have to put forth the effort. I want dh to be happy too. To know that my DH was giving up hope on me, on US, kills me. I sulked for a couple of days afterwards, just feeling so guilty but somehow I found an inner strength that thought was long gone, stolen. I had felt so weak for so long, I didn't know if that strength was even a part of my being anymore. I found out its a huge part of ME. It combined with my stubborness has brought me a new frame of mind as of recent. I'm beginning to feel peace again, like I may not control everything I'd like but I can control something. My reactions to events, my actions towards my husband.

Yep, I'm gonna be al' right.