feeling weak...

Lately I find myself feeling week. I read womens blogs who have been through so much more than myself and yet they go on. Everything from countless miscarriages to stillborn births to countless failed IVFs, and sometimes a combination of the above. I watch them in amazement for thier ability to go on. I know there are no real pain olympics, and normally I wouldn't compare apples to oranges but as I see them go on I wonder why I don't have it in me. Did I just never have that kind of drive? I thought I did. I wanted to be a mother more than anything in the world- so much so that I risked my future happiness. I still have a deep desire for motherhood a good portion of the time. But the fears. I am watching women who have been through horrific ordeals repeatedly and yet they are willing to risk their heart being broken again and I literally sit in the back row and watch wondering why I am differnt. I see women who have tried much much longer than the 7 or so years we tried. The strength is inspiring- ok not inspiring enough for me to actually continue ttc but the passion they have for wanting to experience motherhood so badly that they lay their heart on the line continously. Well, I've just never seen anything like it. Its amazing!

Speaking of fears. I am overwelmed with them. I fear my marriage failing again, only not to be able to recover next time. I fear never being pg again. I fear being pg again. I fear lonliness, I fear miscarriage. I fear never being a mother and I fear my drive and desire for such are not sufficent enough to prove to myself that I'd be any good at it. I fear for my sanity if any of the above fears come true. Yep, I'm just a big ole fraidy cat :(

life is such a process..

Really, its freaking exhausting. Wouldn't it be easier if we were just here, and say by age 20 knew all we needed to know? Sure, its a neat idea, learning everyday, evolving, the way things change, yadayada yada BUT. Man can it suck sometimes.

I'm finding myself trying to save a marraige I don't know if I want to save or not. I find myself completely discontent with my work. I tell myself I'm worth so much more, I should have been something more. Yeah, I dont love my job. I'm facing something that is fairly new to me, fear. I'm too afraid to do anything about it, to follow my passions. And so I stay.(both the job and maybe my mariage). I'm a big ole scardy cat. I know I'm young, I can always go back to school, start following my dreams,etc...But the fear of failure is there.

I go back and forth on ttc past,non existant present and future. No, we arn't ttc in any way, shape or form(that would be stupid since my marriage is on the rocks). My failure to concieve followed by what felt like my only chance at pregnancy ending in miscarriage are raw spots. It stings sometimes. Its not a constant cut to the quick kind of pain it was during the RE and treatment days, but yeah, when I think I'll never have babies of my own to love, nurture and watch grow. well, it puts a lump in my throat. I get a bit teary. And not entirely for myself, I get sad for anyone whose ever struggled. I think of online friends like Simone, Liss, Daisy,Nona and other long time ttc'ers I know irl. All in all, I've come a long ways in the form of acceptance over IF hell. I don't dislike people solely because they have kids nor do I dispise pg women. Perhaps for the first time in my life, I actually see children for what they really are, the whole idea of family. Its all such a miracle, one that so many parents overlook so easily.

I miss the old me. The fearless me. The girl who followed her dreams, believed in herself, was passionate. The girl that had goals. I wish I could turn back time and take that with me from the past so I could have it now.

I miss him so much...

I *SO* want to call him and beg him home. I feel so weak. On the one hand I want him to come home so why fight it but on the other hand I realize it will just go right back to where it was and we weren't happy so why continue with that?

Damn, here I thought I was this strong chick. Totally independent.... I'm nothing.

Happy 'I'm not a mother' day...

And boy do I feel it today. My nephew got me an aunt happy mothers day card. While the sentiment was nice, it stung a bit. All in all, I'm doing well since the m/c but that coupled with the recent status of my marriage plus normal stresses, well it may have been sunny outside today but I felt cloudy and rainy all day. Its strange, I don't desperatly desire to be a mother anymore. I just feel...defeated. Maybe I'm a sore loser--

In any event, tonight was family dinner night. I asked dh to come and he did. Somehow I felt I needed that. In the last week, SIL has called twice to "check on me". The truth is she's trying to make me feel better by trying to side(?) with me. She runs dh down, saying things like "you were always too good for him", and other non helpful-make me want to slap the crap out of her comments about dh. I know she somehow thinks this is what I want to hear. Well, she's dead wrong. I KNOW HIM thanksverymuch. I LOVE HIM thanksverymuch. I kinda see it like this, she's your typical female, wanting to form some kind of sick bond while telling me how much better I can do than my dh. DRAMA,ugghhh. So I was very happy that he agreed to come tonight, I felt I needed him here, to protect me(or maybe to protect her from me). Strange how 2 faced she was, all nicey nice to him.

After everyone left, dh went out to his truck and brought me some flowers in. Its a mixed spring bouquet, very pretty. He explained how he wanted to get them for me since its mothers day(I'm not sure if this refers to the m/c or to trucker or both) but he wanted to do it in private. He made sure to tell me the flowers weren't a 'i'm sorry, i want you back' thing. Definately not that-more of a mothers day gift and thats it(he conveyed this in a round about not so many words kind of way). It was so strange, trying to talk to him, trying to make small talk. We're soooo NOT those type of people-at least not with one another.

I wanted to beg him back, to crawl on my hands and knees, to tell him I could change. To tell him we were made to be with each other forever. Part of me knows that I would be lying or at least unsure if I said all of that so I said nothing. I did say that I missed him. He answered with "me too". I don't know if I miss him so much because my routine is off, he's not here at night or if I miss the idea of living the rest of my life as I wished for so many years. I don't want to beg him back if 1) he doesn't want to be begged back and 2) its out of lonliness. I've got to get figured out what I want before I can go after it. And I've got to get in the right frame of mind to accept the fact that I've been a pretty miserable wife, and he may not want me back. Which leads to a whole 'nother can of worms....... My struggle with men and relationships since childhood-thanks dad. Won't get into that tonight tho-time for bed.

All the mothers get it over and over today so I want to wish all the non-mothers a happy day,even if I am posting this at the end of the day....happy day tomorrow,lol

dh moved out today...

he said he was tired of feeling like he wasn't wanted anymore and tired of me pushing him away. i can't believe this, i feel numb.


numb and unlovable.

marital stress

So, DH and I have been trying really hard to keep the communication lines open and work on all our problems in the hope of fixing things. I really feel at this point that its just pointless. Its strange, we talk about which of us will leave if it comes to that. I just never thought if it ever came down to this that we would both feel at peace but I think deep deep down, he's as fine with it as I am. I'm not saying I want a divorce or am ok with that idea, but I'm to the point where I think we both would be happier right now with a seperation. I almost feel like I've known this was coming. I'm not in shock or denial, just...mellow. I kind of feel like a weight was been lifted from my shoulders. He's basically passed the ball back to me saying all I have to do is ask and he'll move out "for a while". In a way, I think I'll never be able to ask him of that, like I'd be too afraid of hurting him. I do love him...I don't think either of us are in love anymore.

One of the biggest problems is the lack of communication on his part all these years. I've tried to accept it, just love him and go on but I think over the years its taken a serious toll on me. I've begged many of nights for him to open up to me but its never done any good. He's a closed book, unable to let me in...and it kills me. Throughout all of this, the only thing he says is he misses the old me-well yeah, join the club. I miss the old me too. I will never be the same, mostly due to ttc I believe. It always felt like I was on the journey alone. Even tho we were dealing with both male and female factor IF, it always felt like I was letting him down which was even harder than feeling like I let myself down. Why I felt like that I had no idea because in retrospect, he never seemed to mind too much. I guess the failure of all those years ttc, well I guess I hurt enough for both of us. I'm sure I cried enough tears for the both of us. I don't remember him ever once shedding a single tear. And I'm sure theres some resentment in that aspect. I think he was ready to give up ttc years before me but was just along for the ride so to speak. And I was so wound up in the struggle myself that I didn't see the signs, and of course as usual, he didn't actually tell me he wanted to give up, he never told me anything.

Yeah....I'm sure the resentment is obvious now.


I'm just almost certain that he can't be changed, that he doesn't have a desire to. And I'm just not sure I cna continue giving my all to a relationship when its a one way street. Don't get me wrong, he loves me, he's a fantastic man in more ways than not but maybe the things that seem little, after 9 yrs are beginning to turn into big things. I certainly hope this doesn't come off as a bashing post....oh who am I kidding, its my blog and I don't care what I sound like. Afterall I do it for the therapy.

I never really understood people splitting after so many years together claiming that they grew apart. Now, I almost can't see how 2 people could be together for so long and not grow apart. Its been an "AH_HA' moment in my life for sure. People grow, people change. Not just one person, but both people in a relationship grow and change. And if they are really lucky, its growth and change in the same direction, and if the are adverage everyday normal people, one of them grows and changes at a differnt rate than the other, driving a gap between the path that they once walked together. I really do believe that now.

I never thought this day would come. Ever. It was supposed to be forever. Whats stranger, it doesn't feel bad. I don't want my marraige to end but if I'm being completely honest with myself, I have a gut feeling that may be where things are going. And the fact that I'm eerily at peace with that, well.....its just odd. I guess I thought that if it ever ended, it would be him wanting to leave me and I'd be as in love as the day I said I do and it would tear my heart out. So to feel pretty much ok with the direction things are going, well its just odd. I wish he could tell me for a change what he feels. The truth is I'm not sure he's able to feel. And that is sad.

top 10 2 a.m truths...

I feel like owning up...

1. Sometimes I feel so strange-almost out of body. I'm not who I used to be. I miss myself. My old self.

2. I struggled with severe PTSD from the ages of 10 until....not sure I don't still deal with it often.

3. Starting around the age of 14, I was highly addicted to numerous things that made me numb. While I haven't used drugs in years and am able to keep my alcohol use in check now with no problem, sometimes I long for the feeling of that numbness. I wasn't a stupid kid, I knew everything I done was wrong, BUT I felt like I was punishing myself. And I've always felt I deserved to be punished.

4. I hate the color pink. I can deal with a pink shirt but a pink car or a matching pink outfit...PUKE...Reminds me of pepto bismol!

5. I have serious doubts about the state of my marriage. The spark just seems to be gone. I love him deeply but I don't know that either of us wants to be with the other anymore.

6. re: the state of my marriage- I blame a large part of our troubles on the years of ttc. Funny, everyone else always said it brought them closer together with thier partners. I think it tore us apart.

7. I still dream frequently about my brother who passed away almost 22 yrs ago. I talk to my dead grandpa sometimes and ask him for advice. Luckily, so far he doesn't talk back to me so I think I'm still sane.

8. I think I will always carry guilt with me over the m/c. Try as I may, I simply can't dismiss all the things I had done wrong in the very beginning of that pregnancy. Funny(not haha funny) how all those years I took my temp, wouldn't drink during the 2ww, watched what I ate, etc and then when finally I came to terms with remaining childless, all of that went out the window. Right along with properally monitoring my cycles.

9. I can think of 2 pretty good instances where I made horrible mistakes years ago(bad screw ups) that would be reason enough for me to not have children now. karma's a bitch

10. I have no long term goals. I have no idea what I want in the next 5 yrs. I don't know if I'll still be married then or not, or if I want to be. I don't know if I'll be traveling with the circus as a side show freak which I should be or if I'll be stuck in this itty bitty town. I feel I am worth soooo much more than this. Other times, I don't feel I'm worth the air I breathe.

now....maybe I can sleep. I hope no one feels obligated to reply, mostly i just need to get this crap out and be honest about it. reassurance isn't what i'm looking for here, i just need to be me.

Leave me alone!

Ever feel like you're being gently prodded along to move forward? To do something? I feel like my mom, my DH, sometimes the entire world even are waiting for me to....I don't know. It makes me feel like a circus freak, they are waiting for me to perform my next act. "Lets see what she can get herself into now". DH mentioned I should start taking my metformin again. HUH? Why all the sudden should I? My mom asked if we were going to "keep trying". I don't know. Why do I have to know right this damn second?

I just want to get away. Just move on. Leave for a nice long trip all by myself. maybe someday I'll come back. come back to their inquisitive stares, their annoying questions and comments. Oh how nice it would be to be a loner, a drifter. To not have to answer to anyone but myself. For the first time in my life I can see why people leave everything behind, change their names and just start again..... ahhhh, the sweet freedom!