so much to blog, so little time...

I think about starting a blog almost everyday. Its much much easier to throw together one sentance and post it on facebook. Although I'm finding myself irritated more and more these days with facebook world- or actually irritated with myself and who I add as friends. Don't get me wrong, I have reconnected with so many people that I wondered if I've ever see or talk to again but I feel fake for constantly congratulating people who are newly pg or their so-and-so who just had a baby. And yet, I feel like a jerk if I don't congratulate. Its just one word, congratulations, and while it typically is heartfelt, its often times inappropraite things like "we're really hoping its a boy since we've already got 3 little girls in the family". I just want to scream WHO CARES(about the gender that is). But instead I do the proper congratulations and/or comment on the adorable pictures and feel beaten. Not beaten like IF used to make me feel but beaten because if I were willing to make a poor me post on fb *wish I could pg, wish my body worked right, wish dhs count and quality of sperm was better, wish my baby wouldn't have died*(you get the picture)- these are the exact same people who would not respond or would give me some kind of religious speech. Yeah well let your baby die, let your child have a m/c after years or IF, you try it all out and see if you can find a reason that makes it ok....Bottom line is this: for me, facebook is kind of fake. Maybe I'm the one whose fake. I like to know whats going on with old friends, and to keep up with extended family that I sometimes go years without seeing but its not always safe. You pop onto facebook and there it is, staring you in the face. You read and sometimes wish you wouldn't have. But whatever...I guess if you want to keep up with them, you keep up with anything they want to share. I don't wish misery on any of them, far from it. I just wish people had a bit more tact sometimes.

Speaking of which, as bitter as that sounds, I'm really not anymore. At least not much. I gave up on figuring out "why me". It just is what it is. I am infertile. I may never have children. I will survive. I've got a pretty damned good life as is. This is alienating me a bit from the IF online community I've grown to love and depend on for so many years. I'm not in that same place anymore, I find it hard to relate. When I do try to support, I feel its too much or not recieved correctly. When I read a blog or a post somewhere from someone new to IUI or IVF, and they are hopeful and excited, I have to tell myself to *not* rain on their parade, to not ruin their optimism. Afterall, it could work. I do hope for them that it does. I just know how bad it can feel when it doesn't. I find it hard to cheer them on, I don't want to contribute to that optimism until they have a happy healthy baby in thier arms. So, while I'm very happy to be on a road of healing after years of IF hell, pain, darkness,sadness, depression and lonliness, I'm finding myself in an odd place. I definately don't fit in with the fertiles, and am beginning to feel like I don't fit in with the infertiles. So where does that leave me?

thats about all I have time for tonight. Wish I blogged more often, it always feel good to work through it, get it out of my mind and onto the keyboard. Wishing my tiny tiny audience a very happy thanksgiving. I know I'm looking forward to it this year. I've got so much to be thankful for :)

letter to my baby...

Tonight I lit a candle for you little one. I don't know where you are but I swear I can almost feel your presense sometimes. I wonder if you will come back to us some day. The day I found out you were there was the best day of my entire life. And the day I knew you were gone was the worst. You were with us in spirit for such a short time but I can't remember smiling as much as I did for those few days. We loved you so much. You taught me a new kind of love and even though your departure was far too soon, I will never forget the happiness and excitement you brought to this home. You will never be forgotten.

did something unusual today...

Or at least unusual for me. I found myself staring at a wall for at least a good hour, possibly closer to 2 even. I was so deep in thought, trying to wrap my mind about things. Recalling things from the past, pondering the here and now and guessing the future. Its funny, I remember the feeling of knowing(or at least thinking I knew) what the future would hold. But that was once upon a lifetime. I wonder when that changed- when I went from one extreme to the other, went from the control freak of "this will be my future" to the passive "I wonder what will happen".

Sure, like most women little thoughts pop in my head by the millions throughout the day, I wonder this or think about that but to really just stare at a wall, sitting in a completely quiet room, just thinking. Well its kind of amazing. Not neccassairly good amazing or bad amazing, perhaps some of both. Normally, I don't allow myself to escape like this, to take this amount of time to just think. To really think.


I wonder as many of Infertiles must wonder if I fear being a mother more than fear not being a mother. After ttc for so many years, you begin to try to force yourself into a healing mode. You tell yourself you don't want children, you tell yourself it will never happen. Really, for me anyway, I was unable to deal with the real painful stuff so I swept it under a rug in the corner of my mind. Which brings me to where I am now. I just don't know. I wonder how thats possible after all the years of ttc, after the m/c, after all thats happened. I wonder how its possible for me to *not* know what I want. Sure, I still love the idea of a child. I think I care less and less each day about weather that child is genetically linked to either dh or myself. I think about when my nephew is here. Thats when I'm the very happiest. I feel a certain pride with my nephew, even though I'm just an aunt. My heart bursts at the seams for him. I think if I can love him that much with him only being my nephew, well than I must be fit for motherhood.

One thing I thought about today that I hadn't (really)thought about for a long time and some of my readers may know this already-we had attempted to adopt an infant from a very bad situation years ago and it fell through. Thats a feeling that I don't know I could stomache to feel again. I barely even ever got to hold him yet I feel I was put in the situation to adopt him not by chance but because I was destined to be his mother. I think of how old he would be. I even see "them" including "him" now and again at local events or walmart. I avoid eye contact for fear of falling on the floor wailing loudly for my baby. DH very much believes I am or should be "over it". Considering that the baby was born addicted to many illegals, perhaps he's right and we got "lucky" by "getting out of it". Of course my feeling is more like we got robbed, they stole my child. No I didn't birth that child but the home life I could have provided for that child, the sheer love, there is no way what he's been given can compare. I feel like I was cheated in the worst way you could cheat a person.

And then theres the m/c. I'm still shocked much of the time that we got pg without medical intervention, without even trying. Talk about irony considering we were at a point of giving up, trying to live happily as a married couple without children. It was getting easier all the time, before long we didn't even have to fake being happy, we just were. And then bam! Our lives were turned right side up(as opposed to upside down) when I saw that BFP. I'd never gotten a bfp. We were over the moon redicously happy. Thinking of it still brings a smile to my face. I want to remember that feeling so much more than the feeling of dread I had when I discovered the blood, or even worse when it was confirmed.

My bday is coming up in oh about 10 days or so. I am in a much better place in many ways then I was a few years ago. I still think I've been dealt a bad hand but I question if I stay in the game if I'll ever get a good hand or not. So I guess the question is is it worth it? Wish I knew the answer, but as is everything in life, the answer is not yet clear. I do know this, we can't wait much longer. Come the 26th of Oct, I will celebrate my 28th bday, dh his 37th. Neither of us will want to become parents much past either of these ages. In fact, at one point dh said absolutely not after turning 35(for him). Its funny how we can change our minds on that easily when trying to fill your hearts desire.

vacation,etc...

so we just got back from our vacation to tn yesterday. It was fantastic. I came home feeling fresh minded. I'll shorten the experience and save most of the details except for the really cool ones. Prettiest things we saw would have been the smoky mtns, mingo falls, cumberland gap, new found gap, and the entire town of cherokee, NC was amazing. I danced with indians, sampled wine @ an amazing winery until I was good and giggly. We sat in the hot tub @ our friends house a couple of nights. I had a few firsts including tasting vinegar pie, real moonshine, riding a mechanical bull, and a motorcycle. I enjoyed all but the vinegar pie which wasn't even as bad as I had guessed it to be, lol. We went to davey crockett tavern which was pretty cool. All in all, great vacation and good times! The trip was really hard on the boy(trucker). He's developed a serious issue with traveling since we have gotten out of rv transport. He totally has panic attacks in the car so you can imagaine what a 750 mile trip one way is like for him. Poor baby. He's exhausted now.

We returned yesterday to some very sad news. A lady who lives a few miles south of here backed over her 4 yr old daughter and killed her. It was accidental. This is heart wrenching news. People who are believers always find some sort of silver lining in everything and when good happens, they come up with something like "see, miracles happen everyday"...which is true. But explain why the loss of that little girl will ever be ok. Explain to that mother how she can go on with the guilt she must feel. Explain to the family that god is good.(I'm not debating god is good, I'm debating the existance)...I just can't even imagaine. I feel so bad for the family.

I had a few moments on vacation of sadness thinking about how I should be nearing birth. I should have the nursery done. I should be preparing to hold our baby in my arms. Its killing me. So in a way, I guess vacation was bittersweet. Believe me I'd traded the vacation, the bull riding, the drinking, basically anything in my life to be nearing that point. But I'm not. So I try to put it behind me. But I have a feeling the next couple of weeks with the edd approaching are going to be kinda sad for us.

I've got plants I've drug all the way from Tn and I gotta get them in the ground before they completely wither away. maybe tomorrow. The weather is truely fall here now and I think for the first time in my life I'm looking forward to winter this year. Not really the cold, just the ability to let go of gardening, I'm tired of mowing, tired of being unable to get inside projects like painting done because I'm outside so much working. Moreso this year than of any year of the past. Since spring of this year it seems like one big outdoor project after another. I need to be able to curl up with a good book, get some indoor projects done. Wind down.

life is such a process..

Really, its freaking exhausting. Wouldn't it be easier if we were just here, and say by age 20 knew all we needed to know? Sure, its a neat idea, learning everyday, evolving, the way things change, yadayada yada BUT. Man can it suck sometimes.

I'm finding myself trying to save a marraige I don't know if I want to save or not. I find myself completely discontent with my work. I tell myself I'm worth so much more, I should have been something more. Yeah, I dont love my job. I'm facing something that is fairly new to me, fear. I'm too afraid to do anything about it, to follow my passions. And so I stay.(both the job and maybe my mariage). I'm a big ole scardy cat. I know I'm young, I can always go back to school, start following my dreams,etc...But the fear of failure is there.

I go back and forth on ttc past,non existant present and future. No, we arn't ttc in any way, shape or form(that would be stupid since my marriage is on the rocks). My failure to concieve followed by what felt like my only chance at pregnancy ending in miscarriage are raw spots. It stings sometimes. Its not a constant cut to the quick kind of pain it was during the RE and treatment days, but yeah, when I think I'll never have babies of my own to love, nurture and watch grow. well, it puts a lump in my throat. I get a bit teary. And not entirely for myself, I get sad for anyone whose ever struggled. I think of online friends like Simone, Liss, Daisy,Nona and other long time ttc'ers I know irl. All in all, I've come a long ways in the form of acceptance over IF hell. I don't dislike people solely because they have kids nor do I dispise pg women. Perhaps for the first time in my life, I actually see children for what they really are, the whole idea of family. Its all such a miracle, one that so many parents overlook so easily.

I miss the old me. The fearless me. The girl who followed her dreams, believed in herself, was passionate. The girl that had goals. I wish I could turn back time and take that with me from the past so I could have it now.

You don't ever really get used to it...

Forgive my randomness:

IF always hurts. Even after you come to terms with it yourself, you still find yourself rooting for other IFers.

I just read about an online friend who has suffered loss after loss and is more than likely in the midst of her 7th loss. Its KILLING me. My heart is so heavy for her. I can't wrap my head around such a seemingly simple concept. I hurt for her so much, so deeply. She is one of the most amazing women I've met thorugh the online world, and so worthy of holding her child in her hands. My thoughts are with her.

***

Sometimes I almost wish I were religious. But you can't help not beliving anymore than those who claim to "feel" gods presence, and know he's there. I, just like them, simply can't accept anything other than what I feel. And I've never been a true believer, despite attending sunday school and church my entire childhood. Sometimes it seems it would be easier to say "I'm praying for you" or "its in gods hands". To believe that I could talk to a greater power and it wouldn't be the equivalant of me talking to myself. Seems it definately would be easier than beliving that shit just happens in life and there isn't any real rhyme or reason to any of it.

***

The deck is DONE. We're thrilled with the outcome. its better than we thought it could have been. Once the bottom is enclosed with white lattice and the decdk sealed, its a done deal(so technically its not done-done). We spent a few nights sitting out there in our rocking chairs listening to nothing but the wisper of the wind and the crickets. Its peaceful, relaxing, wonderful.

***

The marriage thing. hmmmmph Its slow going but is getting better. We are both working insanely hard, trying to get some stuff paid off and save what we can for our vacation in Oct. I can't wait. I need a vacation, to get away and get out of this huge rut.

thats all folks-gotta get some zzzz's

random ramblings and stuff going on...

I'm in such a wierd place right now. Sometimes I feel like things are spinning out of control, like everything is just moving, except for me. I'm in a rut of some sort? I dunno. Its like if your on a rollar coaster and about to lose your cookies, screaming at the top of your lungs to "STOP OR I'M GONNA THROW UP" doesn't matter to them, or at least the ride doesn't stop just to let you get off. I feel like I am going through the motions of everything but not really feeling anything or letting anything effect me. Maybe I'm just distaincing myself from myself and my life.hmmmmm....

DH has moved back in. things are going ......ummmm..........ok, I guess. Not good, not bad. I really am devoting my all to trying to help the situation. He's trying too, although I think he's more "doing things"(helping me around the house more, picked me flowers yesterday,etc) instead of doing any sort of internal self work, if that makes sense.

My cousin, the one whose life is such a mess stayed here for a couple of days. She has officially left her deadbeat boy toy, much to my delight. I am certain she can't make any kind of self improvement with him in her corner. She's really starting to act like a mother to be which is a relief to me. I was really worried prior to the past few days, mostly for the unborn baby. Now, she's looking for an apartment, rather than staying with random people here and there, counting on others to help her out. She's gotten herself a job, not a great job but a job. I'm proud of her. She's finally realized how big of a deal being a single mother is going to be, and she's owning up!

Gardening has been horrendous. I'm finding it really hard to keep up with pulling the weeds and keeping the grass down. And the heat,ugggh. Over 100 today with a heat advisory thorugh tomorrow night. I don't think the air has kicked off all day here at home(i'm "working" from here today). the electric bill is gonna kick my butt!!

Due to a few sorta unexpected big bills, I think dh has decided he's gonna cash in his life insurance. I think its stupid but am trying to not pick a fight, afterall it is his policy. even if cashing it in means only getting half or so of what he's paid in the last 10 yrs. With things the way they are right now, I'm just kinda trying to pick my battles. Seeing Kate on tv last night made me see the kind of wife I don't want to be. I am NOT a victim. I don't want to be seen as a victim.

We went out with friends on their boat this last Saturday in celebration(if you will) of our 9th wedding anniversary. It was strange, I didn't think we'd be spending the day together but said friends kind of set this up for us, trying to get us back together or whatever. I know people mean well but I'm not a big fan of the butting in. Spending time with him, with them there as well, on the boat was good. It was comfortable, not strange feeling like it would have been if we spent the day apart, or together alone.

DH has been talking a lot about future plans. This bothers me for 2 reasons. first, I'm not as certain as he seems to be about our future plans and second, I'm a much better rein taker than he. Maybe this is part of his transformation, he's trying to be more open, which i appreciate but I'm not sure how I feel about him planning trips for us,etc. And he's talked about doing some of the remodeling I had mentioned before(you know before it all went south). I'm not sure where our marriage is at, nor where it will be at in the times to come so I'm not really on board with spending money on a home that we currently share. maybe i should just jump in with both feet, give in but this feels safer to me. I have low expectations, that way just in case, I won't get hurt again.

Since the m/c, I have made huge strides in many ways. Most days I'm ok with the changes life has brought my way in terms of my plans and the actuality of infertility. But once in a while, for seemingly no reason, I seem to fall into a deep depression. I grieve for the loss, I grieve for the acceptance I can't seem to find, I grieve over the realization and I want peace. I want it so desperately. Normally, these episodes seem to pass quickly, only lasting maybe one night of sobbing. But boy does it suck when it hits.

Off to start dinner. I think we're having orange glazed baked chicken and rice and baked potatoes that dh dug up this morning before heading to work. I may make something for dessert, i've got a sweet tooth today.

FINALLY!! A breakthrough

So DH called me at work today wanting to know if he could come over tonight and talk. I of course agreed. It went really really well, I'm happy to say. He basically wanted to know where we go from here,phew, I'm glad I wasn't the only one wondering. I was as honest as I could be considering the state of mind I've been in, and as confused about it all as I have been. I told him I missed him but that things have got to change or it will never work. He agreed. At a friends advice, I told him what I needed and wanted and then done something I'm not sure I've ever thought to do before(more about this in a sec)---I asked him what he wanted and needed. Wow-I know your thinking how could she be so cold hearted to not even ask her dh what he needs or wants. Well to those of you, all I can tell you is that its very easy when your S.O is as passive as mine. When you know the answer is gonna be a shrug or a 'I dunno-whatever you want'(in a tone as if you'd just asked what we should have for dinner), well its quite easy to just not ask. I get tired of asking questions that I know what the answer will be before the question leaves my mouth so I have just learned over the years to quit wasting my breath. The point to asking even if you know the answer is so that the other person feels they have some sort of say, its to be considerate. Even if the answer is 'I dunno' or some other blow off, its in the ASKING that is powerful. See, I've pretty much tried to take control of the relationship, its just easier that way since I'm agressive and dh is quite passive. At least I can admit this and take the blame for it. DH also admitted tho that he let me take the reins, he allowed it. Maybe its some form of cop out, laziness,whatever.

In any event, dh openly shared a lot of the responsibility of problems. One of the big ones is our nearly non existant sex life. I had actually pretty much laid all the blame on myself for that one. Since starting celexa, plus weight gain, plus 2 jobs, stress, well I just didn't care one way or another weather it happened. Actually I did have a preferance, I perferred it didn't happen. Thats probally the worst kind of rejection a man can face. DH summed it up to himself that it was because he was unable to find a job, that I was disappointed in him, angry with him, he thought I thought he was a loser, so he quit trying to get any. I of course took a bit of offense to this, sure it had to have been because I'm so disgustingly fat and ugly(I do feel this way actually a lot of the time). So he was basically confirming what I was thinking/feeling about myself.

Its amazing how comfortable you can get in a marriage. You feel so safe and comfortable that you both can be dealing with the exact same thing and pushing one another away rather than holding on to one another when its needed the most. Similiarly, many things, I never asked dh how he felt, I probally told him how I felt and he tried to do the best to feel the same as me. Not that he's week, he's just not a boat rocker.

One big thing he brought up was the m/c, and how I pushed him away afterwards. I shocked myself by what came out of my mouth. I accused him of not caring, of not being saddened by it. Afterall I never saw not a single tear from him. And, he was at that point "over" ttc. He had come to terms with the fact that we wouldn't have any children. I believe I had thought I had, but I'm not sure you ever can fully come to terms with it, or at least I never got there like he did. It BLEW WE AWAY that I said this-I didn't even know I felt that. I never really expected to see any emotion from him over the m/c but still it hurt that I didn't. You know in looking back, it was one of the hardest things I'd ever been through, and I could have really used him during that time, its still hard a lot of the time. Yet. I pushed him away. again.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about all of it, the pushing him away, and differnt things and I can see a pattern starting from my childhood. Odd little habits that I've carried with me throughout life. I'm not saying I had a shit childhood but it could have been better. I went from being daddys little girl at one point to the place I'm at with my father now-we've barely spoken over the past several years. In highschool, I CRAVED attention from boys(i believed attention was love). If that meant the entire school believed me to be the biggest slut in school, well at least I stood out from the rest of the girls.


Eeeeks, here I am on a roll and my batterys almost done. I'll try to recharge and finish this after the storm. I would like to end this post by saying things arn't fixed between dh and I, but at least we're getting somewhere. I think with lots more open communication, (and a good therapist wouldn't hurt either I'm sure) that maybe, just maybe we can be happy again. He's not moving back in just yet, we both agreed that would just make things harder for the both of us right now but we are going to dinner tomorrow night- HE MADE THE PLANS-can you believe it??LOL....Who is this man who hasn't made reservations anywhere for at least 5 yrs?!

Happy 'I'm not a mother' day...

And boy do I feel it today. My nephew got me an aunt happy mothers day card. While the sentiment was nice, it stung a bit. All in all, I'm doing well since the m/c but that coupled with the recent status of my marriage plus normal stresses, well it may have been sunny outside today but I felt cloudy and rainy all day. Its strange, I don't desperatly desire to be a mother anymore. I just feel...defeated. Maybe I'm a sore loser--

In any event, tonight was family dinner night. I asked dh to come and he did. Somehow I felt I needed that. In the last week, SIL has called twice to "check on me". The truth is she's trying to make me feel better by trying to side(?) with me. She runs dh down, saying things like "you were always too good for him", and other non helpful-make me want to slap the crap out of her comments about dh. I know she somehow thinks this is what I want to hear. Well, she's dead wrong. I KNOW HIM thanksverymuch. I LOVE HIM thanksverymuch. I kinda see it like this, she's your typical female, wanting to form some kind of sick bond while telling me how much better I can do than my dh. DRAMA,ugghhh. So I was very happy that he agreed to come tonight, I felt I needed him here, to protect me(or maybe to protect her from me). Strange how 2 faced she was, all nicey nice to him.

After everyone left, dh went out to his truck and brought me some flowers in. Its a mixed spring bouquet, very pretty. He explained how he wanted to get them for me since its mothers day(I'm not sure if this refers to the m/c or to trucker or both) but he wanted to do it in private. He made sure to tell me the flowers weren't a 'i'm sorry, i want you back' thing. Definately not that-more of a mothers day gift and thats it(he conveyed this in a round about not so many words kind of way). It was so strange, trying to talk to him, trying to make small talk. We're soooo NOT those type of people-at least not with one another.

I wanted to beg him back, to crawl on my hands and knees, to tell him I could change. To tell him we were made to be with each other forever. Part of me knows that I would be lying or at least unsure if I said all of that so I said nothing. I did say that I missed him. He answered with "me too". I don't know if I miss him so much because my routine is off, he's not here at night or if I miss the idea of living the rest of my life as I wished for so many years. I don't want to beg him back if 1) he doesn't want to be begged back and 2) its out of lonliness. I've got to get figured out what I want before I can go after it. And I've got to get in the right frame of mind to accept the fact that I've been a pretty miserable wife, and he may not want me back. Which leads to a whole 'nother can of worms....... My struggle with men and relationships since childhood-thanks dad. Won't get into that tonight tho-time for bed.

All the mothers get it over and over today so I want to wish all the non-mothers a happy day,even if I am posting this at the end of the day....happy day tomorrow,lol

feeling indifferent...

My last blog was about how I've felt pressure from others. Well now I think I can count myself amongst the ranks of the rest of the world. I don't know whats next. And I want to know. I'm not ok with feeling things are out of my hands(one would think I would have accepted that LONG ago after all those failed years of ttc). I've always took the idea drilled into me as a kid(you know the one, 'you can be anything you want when you grow up') as literal...and perhaps beyond. So to be faced with things you actually have zero control over....well, its still a hard pill for me to swallow.

Basically, I'm finding myself half wanting to have dh get the big V, and half wanting to save for IVF. I'm just that unsure of what I want and how are you going to go about getting it if you don't even know what your going for?? I cannot wrap my mind around ttc again, I'm afraid it would break me beyond repair emotionally. The idea puts knots in my stomache. I partially feel I want to be a parent, I sometimes desperatly feel like that is "missing" but there are lots of good moments in life that would be difficult or impossible to repeat with the life altering responsibility of parenthood. I definately have a very nurturing maternal instinct that I often feel is unfulfilled. I believe I had felt at peace with the idea of remaining childless, and then those 2 little pink lines. Now, I find myself second guessing. I feel like I finally got close, not close enough but a glimpse. The first "hope" I had felt in a long time, in regards to ttc and becoming a mother.

I look myself in the mirror and think "what are you doing.....what's next"... And the fact that I don't have a clue, that I don't know what I even want for the future. Well, being a control freak, it frightens me. I always wanted to be a young mom. For me, that hasn't changed. Is there still time? Sure. I'm only 27....A few years ago, ideally, I would be done ttc at this point in my life and have my 2-3 kiddos by now. And now, thinking back upon that, the idea almost scares me.

I realize I'm being unpractical. I realize that the m/c is still fresh in my mind and weighing on my heart. I just suddenly feel I must have a plan for the future. I have to know. It feels urgent. It.Can't.Wait. Dh suggested we ttc like we used to, in the beginning. Which in my mind isn't really even trying. Its not going to get us there, buddy, sorry. He thinks since we concieved naturally ONCE after 7 yrs,treatment and failed IUIs, that it might happen again soon(*eyeroll*). In a way, I feel much like I did coming up on around our 2 yr ttc anniversary. By then, it seemed thats all I focused on, ttc. Pondering everything in my life right down to what I ate,drank,etc. Reading up on long term ttc'ers struggles and worrying that we may be headed for the same kind of trouble. See, even the stress of thinking about ttc or ending the journey here and now is stressing me the hell out!

I wish I could push it to the back burner, like I have before. Just shrug it off thinking "if it happens, thats great(all along knowing that the chances were slim to none) and it it doesn't thats ok too". Well guess what, all my burners on the stove are full, something has to be pitched. I have a feeling that within the next year, something big will happen, no idea what but I can't put this on hold that much longer because as long as its on the stove, even on the back burner, its still there. I have to have dreams and focuses for the future.

Damn this yearning to move forward with something-ANYTHING right this second. Damn these feelings.


On a positive note, DH got through orientation with no problem, just waiting on the call for the job to actually begin. On the backside of that, it is a temp position which was not known until the day of orientation. So, technically, he's employed but still looking. Ho Hum

One more positive note, went to bros and SILs today for easter dinner(a day early due to conflicts in scheduale) Weather wonderful, my nephew(and trucker) had a blast egg hunting. Food was great, it was actually a lot of fun. A nice little escape from my crazy mind.

hope everyone has a fantastic easter!!

virgin blogger

I've fought it as long as possible. I've finally figured out I need an outlet, for the good the bad and the ugly. Unfortunately, right now, its all mostly ugly. I got one of those emails recently, you know the ones you answer with your own thoughts and then send on? Well, one of the questions was about my biggest fear. The very first thing that came to my mind was "I caused my m/c". I immediatly went about reassuring myself that no, I wasn't responsible for the loss but have since recieving that email, been questioning myself about it. Alot, actually. I worry that the celexa I'm taking was the culprit, I worry that I wasn't on a prenatal, I worry that I had got insanely drunk 2 weeks prior to finding out I was pg(in looking back I'm sure I would have tested + at that time-I had to be 6 weeks+ by the time I got a +hpt). I worry that I don't eat right, that I don't have my IR under control. While I KNOW crack heads get pg at the drop of a hat when not even wanting to, I still feel very very guilty. I think "if only I would have known sooner" or "if only.......". I could have done this, or this, or that. After so long of ttc, we really had began to come to terms with living a childless life, so we did nothing to prevent. Now, I feel foolish,and guilty. This is really eating at me, I've got to find some way to just let it be instead of my usual running myself down on the inside. I can't hold on to this, it is what it is. But somehow, in the back of my mind, the guilt lingers. I even dream about it. The scariest one was last night, I dreamed that someone came to my home, handed me a newborn baby which I took into our home, brought into my bedroom and laid the baby on the bed. Then I turned my back and left while the baby screamed and cried. I just turned my back on that child, and left the room. Symbolic or am I really losing it? Probally a little bit of both.

I've always been like this. When we were seeing the REs, my biggest fear was having all tests ran only to be told that they don't know why I can't get pg. To me, that would have been the worst diagnosis, not knowing what to do because you don't know what the cause is. I guess thats the same conflict that I'm having now. I so desperately wnat to know whats the purpose of this loss. Why after so long of trying were we given this wonderful miracle only to have it taken from me? Like in the early days of ttc, I blame myself. I can't help it. I have self esteem, I am great at motivating others, cheering them on in their struggles but myself, it seems I always turn my struggles inward, and blame myself. I know it can't be healthy but being realistic, nothing was ideal when we found out I was pg. So why do I feel like this? Why do I hate myself and deep deep down feel responsible? Because I am?