funky funk-ness...

the only way I know how to describe things right now. While very busy with work and life, I find myself un fulfilled. I'm bored. I'm....blah. I daydream about going to Tn on vacation-I feel a NEED to get away, and soon. I have no interest in another day of work, another day of nothing ness.

I catch up online every couple of days, see big things happening to all my online friends and while I wish them well, I don't post. I don't respond. I feel too self consumed in my nothingness.

This upcoming month is going to be insane with projects, gotta get the house and deck powerwashed, both decks sealed, plan a party that I'm hosting, get tons of house crap done(wash the walls for SURE). I've got to get a drs appt made for sometime in Sept(boy do i have a list of stuff to talk to the dr about). I just wanna run away, just not deal with it,any of it. I know I'm an adult and with that comes responsibilites and I feel like a big baby complaining, and maybe I am. but. I don't give a flying fuck. I'm tired....Now I know how the critters that run around and around on the inside of the little wheel must feel-but then again they are probally better adjusted than me, and they do seem content doing that all day- but me, I don't want to run around the inside of the wheel, I want freedom dammit.

Oh and get this. DH wants to ttc. I actually lol when he dropped that one on me. I dont think I'll ever get "him". I was like "Huh, wtf?" I gently reminded him that we are still healing, still struggling, still attending marraige counselling, we've got a long way to go. He counters my arguement with "don't you still want kids"....I wish I knew. I do know that I don't want to ttc right now or any time in the near future. I had a dream the other night that my cousin(19) who is pg with a girl ended up having twins-somehow they missed this during her numerous ultrasounds, (rofl, thats the great part about dreams, they dont have to make sense). Anyway, one was a boy and she gave him to me saying she didn't want to raise a boy, she wanted to keep the girl but wanted me to have the boy. weird! I woke up more confused than ever.

Since I am finally beginning to get a bit tired I'll leave this here for the moment. must sleep so I can get up tomorrow and do the same ole going thorugh the motions of life bit. stay tuned

life is such a process..

Really, its freaking exhausting. Wouldn't it be easier if we were just here, and say by age 20 knew all we needed to know? Sure, its a neat idea, learning everyday, evolving, the way things change, yadayada yada BUT. Man can it suck sometimes.

I'm finding myself trying to save a marraige I don't know if I want to save or not. I find myself completely discontent with my work. I tell myself I'm worth so much more, I should have been something more. Yeah, I dont love my job. I'm facing something that is fairly new to me, fear. I'm too afraid to do anything about it, to follow my passions. And so I stay.(both the job and maybe my mariage). I'm a big ole scardy cat. I know I'm young, I can always go back to school, start following my dreams,etc...But the fear of failure is there.

I go back and forth on ttc past,non existant present and future. No, we arn't ttc in any way, shape or form(that would be stupid since my marriage is on the rocks). My failure to concieve followed by what felt like my only chance at pregnancy ending in miscarriage are raw spots. It stings sometimes. Its not a constant cut to the quick kind of pain it was during the RE and treatment days, but yeah, when I think I'll never have babies of my own to love, nurture and watch grow. well, it puts a lump in my throat. I get a bit teary. And not entirely for myself, I get sad for anyone whose ever struggled. I think of online friends like Simone, Liss, Daisy,Nona and other long time ttc'ers I know irl. All in all, I've come a long ways in the form of acceptance over IF hell. I don't dislike people solely because they have kids nor do I dispise pg women. Perhaps for the first time in my life, I actually see children for what they really are, the whole idea of family. Its all such a miracle, one that so many parents overlook so easily.

I miss the old me. The fearless me. The girl who followed her dreams, believed in herself, was passionate. The girl that had goals. I wish I could turn back time and take that with me from the past so I could have it now.

You don't ever really get used to it...

Forgive my randomness:

IF always hurts. Even after you come to terms with it yourself, you still find yourself rooting for other IFers.

I just read about an online friend who has suffered loss after loss and is more than likely in the midst of her 7th loss. Its KILLING me. My heart is so heavy for her. I can't wrap my head around such a seemingly simple concept. I hurt for her so much, so deeply. She is one of the most amazing women I've met thorugh the online world, and so worthy of holding her child in her hands. My thoughts are with her.

***

Sometimes I almost wish I were religious. But you can't help not beliving anymore than those who claim to "feel" gods presence, and know he's there. I, just like them, simply can't accept anything other than what I feel. And I've never been a true believer, despite attending sunday school and church my entire childhood. Sometimes it seems it would be easier to say "I'm praying for you" or "its in gods hands". To believe that I could talk to a greater power and it wouldn't be the equivalant of me talking to myself. Seems it definately would be easier than beliving that shit just happens in life and there isn't any real rhyme or reason to any of it.

***

The deck is DONE. We're thrilled with the outcome. its better than we thought it could have been. Once the bottom is enclosed with white lattice and the decdk sealed, its a done deal(so technically its not done-done). We spent a few nights sitting out there in our rocking chairs listening to nothing but the wisper of the wind and the crickets. Its peaceful, relaxing, wonderful.

***

The marriage thing. hmmmmph Its slow going but is getting better. We are both working insanely hard, trying to get some stuff paid off and save what we can for our vacation in Oct. I can't wait. I need a vacation, to get away and get out of this huge rut.

thats all folks-gotta get some zzzz's

quick post from work...shhhh

I've started many many posts the last week or so but just don't have a whole lot to say really. At least not in the grand scheme of things. I'm in kind of a dark place right now emotionally and I tend to draw that inwards sometimes. I feel lonely in my thoughts and feelings yet don't know how or don't want to share them with anyone so I've closed my emotional book for now.

Life other than that is insanely busy. Too busy. I'm having a hard time finding any me time to relax, take in a good book or otherwise wind down. I'm definately in a rut. Working hard makes me happy. Really. It makes me feel needed, it gives my day purpose. No way I could be a SATW. So I guess I'll take the whole too busy to relax thing over the tired of relaxing thing but dang what I'd give to steal a day off, take a day to get my shaggy hair cut, sleep till noon, hang out in the yard, take care of my neglected flowers and garden. Ah well.

We are DONE with the flooring on the new deck. DH hurt his back pretty badly and has been advised to not over do or lift over 15 or so pounds so he's not much help. Not sure if its the tom boy in me or the cheep skate in me but for some reason, I refused to hire the rest of the job done so in any spare time I may have had the past couple of weeks, I've been working on the deck. I've learned how to run power tools I didn't even know existed. Its giving me a great sense of accomplishment, and a few wounds along the way. I'm hoping the built in bench, planter and railing will be done within a week or so. My step dad has been wonderful on advising me which steps to do next as well as helping me with the actually building part here and there.

See why I've started so many posts but not finished them? I'm borrrrring.