long time no blog

for a whole lotta differnt reasons. Its not that I don't have anything to say, I've always got plenty going on and plenty to say. Just nothing too exciting. Life for the most part is good right now...or at least ok. sometimes thats as good as it can get, right?

Lets see, my relationship with dh seems to be improving everyday. I remember why I fell in love with him again. We've been tackling projects around the house big time and we've been enjoying it. Not that its fun stuff, but we're enjoying the time we are spending together. We haven't been able to turn the not so fun tasks into fun by being together in quite some time. I almost forgot that doing nothing much or tackling a big project together could be so much fun. He's more considerate and does little things daily that melt my heart. Things like coming up behind me while I'm doing the dishes at the sink and putting his arms around me, telling me he'll take over and to go sit down and relax. Thats my REAL idea of romance. Thats love, IMO. I know we've still got a ways to go-my biggest fear is that we'll get lazy again, quit doing for each other, quit caring and it will all fall apart once again.

To get on with it: the projects, we're heading to Tn on vacation to see friends in a couple weeks time. I've got a list that seems to be a mile long of things that MUST get done before we leave. If these things(or at least the majority of them) don't get done, we'll postpone the trip, bad as I hate to because coming straight back from vacation, we'll have family here from FL. I always do some kind of dinner or something while they are here but this year, I want more. With the deck nearly completed(its been done as far as the building goes for over a month now), I couldn't think of anything better than a deck party while they are here. So, we ordered the redwood sealer that we really liked after my extensive over analyzing research on which deck sealer is the best for hardwoods(really I probally spent a good 20 hours reading up on all of it online,rediculous I know). So, we ordered it over 2 weeks ago and have been impatiently awaiting its arrival. Finally, it came. Yesterday and part of the evening before were spent power washing the deck and house. I was amazed at how dirty the deck had already gotten since we just got it finished a bit over a month ago. The wood has really dried out, started splitting quite bad in some places. So we were really ready to get started on the sealing. We got most of it done today. Now we're crossing our fingers that the rain won't mess up our beautiful work-theres a chance tomorrow. Its much darker than we originally anticipated but a beautiful, beautiful redwood color, reminds me a LOT of cedar, which I love. Tomorrow evening after work, we'll finish the 10% or so left of the sealing and then it will be on to power washing and begin sealing the front deck-which is much much smaller and shouldn't be near the project.

Other than the deck, we've got to get the garden back under control. We have to. Theres no way I can let my rich relatives see weeds and grass in my gardens, lol. I've been so pre occupied in things that can't wait that the garden has been left to fend for itself. Only the strong plants survive around here. I've got a knockout rose that is constantly blooming and does good taking care of itself. If it gets really dry, I try to give it a drink. I've got some coleus that nearly drowned from the friday before labor day when we picked up 5 inches of rain in a matter of a few hours. My cockscomb is BEAUTIFUL! I will definately dry a head or two and save some seed to replant this next year, its soooo pretty(and carefree). Oh, the morning glories and moon flowers also do wonderfully when left alone, the morning glorys actually stay bloomed out until late evening now. All the planting I done early this spring has made for a very tired gardener who works one FT job, one PT job and donates about 10 hours a week at the animal shelter. Not that I'm complaining. I love my life most of the time. Its just hard to fit everything in!

I also MUST MUST MUST get this house into shape before we leave for TN. I want to get the walls all washed which is a huge project what with moving all the furniture and all. I would love to have the kitchen painted by the time the FL folks come up here but am trying to not overwelm myself and put more on my plate than is possible. There are other little things I want done before we leave to. Guess we'll see how things pan out!

Re: the deck party. We're having a guy we know smoke brisket and ribs. And we'll have the traditional picnic-y sides. You know, potato salad, baked beans, and such. A friend of mine does mobile d.j ing and has offered her services as a very good rate so depending on how things go, I may have her play. I'm planning on inviting both sides of the family, and tons of friends. Expecting over 100 people probally. I know, I should be shot! LOL! But, my mom will help me. Nothing like coming home from vacation and throwing yourself deep into work, huh? But its not like I don't want to do it. Because I do, I think it will be fun. Which reminds me, if the weathers bad the party will have to be moved to the garage outside which is another HUGE project getting that all in order, just in case.*sigh*

Oh! I almost forgot to mention the other reason for not keeping up with blogging, or at least the reason for the last week. I have been computer-less, until today. DH was online on the toshiba last week and it just died. I fully expected for the puter dr to fix it, but it was time to lay her to rest. We haven't buried her yet,lol, maybe we should have her cremated! Anywho, as of today, I am the proud owner of a refurbed gatway. So far, so good.

phew! better get to making the rest of my online rounds, gotta get up early tomorrow.yipee

funky funk-ness...

the only way I know how to describe things right now. While very busy with work and life, I find myself un fulfilled. I'm bored. I'm....blah. I daydream about going to Tn on vacation-I feel a NEED to get away, and soon. I have no interest in another day of work, another day of nothing ness.

I catch up online every couple of days, see big things happening to all my online friends and while I wish them well, I don't post. I don't respond. I feel too self consumed in my nothingness.

This upcoming month is going to be insane with projects, gotta get the house and deck powerwashed, both decks sealed, plan a party that I'm hosting, get tons of house crap done(wash the walls for SURE). I've got to get a drs appt made for sometime in Sept(boy do i have a list of stuff to talk to the dr about). I just wanna run away, just not deal with it,any of it. I know I'm an adult and with that comes responsibilites and I feel like a big baby complaining, and maybe I am. but. I don't give a flying fuck. I'm tired....Now I know how the critters that run around and around on the inside of the little wheel must feel-but then again they are probally better adjusted than me, and they do seem content doing that all day- but me, I don't want to run around the inside of the wheel, I want freedom dammit.

Oh and get this. DH wants to ttc. I actually lol when he dropped that one on me. I dont think I'll ever get "him". I was like "Huh, wtf?" I gently reminded him that we are still healing, still struggling, still attending marraige counselling, we've got a long way to go. He counters my arguement with "don't you still want kids"....I wish I knew. I do know that I don't want to ttc right now or any time in the near future. I had a dream the other night that my cousin(19) who is pg with a girl ended up having twins-somehow they missed this during her numerous ultrasounds, (rofl, thats the great part about dreams, they dont have to make sense). Anyway, one was a boy and she gave him to me saying she didn't want to raise a boy, she wanted to keep the girl but wanted me to have the boy. weird! I woke up more confused than ever.

Since I am finally beginning to get a bit tired I'll leave this here for the moment. must sleep so I can get up tomorrow and do the same ole going thorugh the motions of life bit. stay tuned

You don't ever really get used to it...

Forgive my randomness:

IF always hurts. Even after you come to terms with it yourself, you still find yourself rooting for other IFers.

I just read about an online friend who has suffered loss after loss and is more than likely in the midst of her 7th loss. Its KILLING me. My heart is so heavy for her. I can't wrap my head around such a seemingly simple concept. I hurt for her so much, so deeply. She is one of the most amazing women I've met thorugh the online world, and so worthy of holding her child in her hands. My thoughts are with her.

***

Sometimes I almost wish I were religious. But you can't help not beliving anymore than those who claim to "feel" gods presence, and know he's there. I, just like them, simply can't accept anything other than what I feel. And I've never been a true believer, despite attending sunday school and church my entire childhood. Sometimes it seems it would be easier to say "I'm praying for you" or "its in gods hands". To believe that I could talk to a greater power and it wouldn't be the equivalant of me talking to myself. Seems it definately would be easier than beliving that shit just happens in life and there isn't any real rhyme or reason to any of it.

***

The deck is DONE. We're thrilled with the outcome. its better than we thought it could have been. Once the bottom is enclosed with white lattice and the decdk sealed, its a done deal(so technically its not done-done). We spent a few nights sitting out there in our rocking chairs listening to nothing but the wisper of the wind and the crickets. Its peaceful, relaxing, wonderful.

***

The marriage thing. hmmmmph Its slow going but is getting better. We are both working insanely hard, trying to get some stuff paid off and save what we can for our vacation in Oct. I can't wait. I need a vacation, to get away and get out of this huge rut.

thats all folks-gotta get some zzzz's

quick post from work...shhhh

I've started many many posts the last week or so but just don't have a whole lot to say really. At least not in the grand scheme of things. I'm in kind of a dark place right now emotionally and I tend to draw that inwards sometimes. I feel lonely in my thoughts and feelings yet don't know how or don't want to share them with anyone so I've closed my emotional book for now.

Life other than that is insanely busy. Too busy. I'm having a hard time finding any me time to relax, take in a good book or otherwise wind down. I'm definately in a rut. Working hard makes me happy. Really. It makes me feel needed, it gives my day purpose. No way I could be a SATW. So I guess I'll take the whole too busy to relax thing over the tired of relaxing thing but dang what I'd give to steal a day off, take a day to get my shaggy hair cut, sleep till noon, hang out in the yard, take care of my neglected flowers and garden. Ah well.

We are DONE with the flooring on the new deck. DH hurt his back pretty badly and has been advised to not over do or lift over 15 or so pounds so he's not much help. Not sure if its the tom boy in me or the cheep skate in me but for some reason, I refused to hire the rest of the job done so in any spare time I may have had the past couple of weeks, I've been working on the deck. I've learned how to run power tools I didn't even know existed. Its giving me a great sense of accomplishment, and a few wounds along the way. I'm hoping the built in bench, planter and railing will be done within a week or so. My step dad has been wonderful on advising me which steps to do next as well as helping me with the actually building part here and there.

See why I've started so many posts but not finished them? I'm borrrrring.

walking down memory lane...

You ever have mini flashbacks? At my cousins wedding this last weekend, I did the unthinkable-I cried. That is so *NOT ME*, or at least it didn't used to be me. I was crying for her, worried she's making a mistake, I was crying for me, worried I made a mistake 9 yrs ago by vowing my life to the man I loved(love?)... I can remember thinking seconds before walking down the isle that there is always an out in marraige if it "doesn't work out". That can't be a good sign. Then again, maybe thats something lots of brides feel but won't say. Maybe its a sign of cold feet? Maybe its just the realist in me, knowing the hell my mother went thorugh for years with my father in a love less marriage, and knowing that after all those years, she finally got out. So maybe it was my way of being rational, telling myself that if we couldn't make it work, I could always divorce him... In any event...

The mini flashbacks don't stop there. I remembered the first boy I told I loved the other day while cleaning out emotional cobwebs. I hadn't thought of that for many years. I wonder why its resurfaced now? It broke my heart that he didn't tell me back. At least not right then. He looked scared, like a deer caught in the headlights of a car bearing down on him. We broke up not long after that. I didn't love him, I was too young at that age to know what true love was. Maybe I'm still too young and/or immature to know what true love is. Afterall, where would I have ever witnessed that firsthand? Certainly not by watching my parents marraige.

They knew how to put on a happy face, my mom and dad. People were shocked at the allegations my mom made after she packed up and left him. I'm certain most people didn't believe a word she said, some still probally don't believe her-especially about the abuse. I reconnected a while back with a childhood friend who insists my father was not a drunk. She never saw my dad be anything but nice. How should I respond to such a thing,really? You spend so many years hiding the facts, pretending your part of a happy family that even now I feel my BP and heart rate rise when I talk out loud about my relationship with my father, or about my parents relationship with one another. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, so I down play it, at least out loud in the presence of others. Somehow I must have been made to feel as if I were to blame because to this day there is a shamefull feeling about my fathers actions/his drinking/the seperation/the divorce.

I remember when I first saw my dad after mom and me left. He cried. I had never seen him cry, not even when my baby brother passed away years earlier. He begged me to talk mom into coming back to him, he said that if I insisted on coming back home, he knew she would too. He was right. We had left before and I missed home, we were gone for part of a summer and then went back. Things had gotten better for a time, but it didn't last. Slowly, things got worse and worse. I do remember feeling pressured, like I held the ability to keep the family together, even though I knew realistly, it would have only been a matter of time before someone would have gotten seriously hurt...or worse. Sometimes I think, still to this day I carry some shame, some guilt because I didn't do more to keep the family together, even if that were truely impossible. Sure I wasn't the one who tore the family apart, but I.....arrrgggh

theres more so much more. It seems like I'm uncovering more everyday. Its not all bad, or at least on the surface doesn't seem bad(I remember back roading with my dad a lot when I was young-they were at the time good memories-now I know that drinking a case of beer in a day and driving isn't so good-especially when you've got your kid with you)--....In any event, I feel like I'm searching for something. Like I've hidden so many things in the back of my mind that its time to do an emotional clean up- sort through the memories, deal with the emotions that come with said memorys. I think my subconscious may be looking for answers.

Emotional crap aside, life is fair right now. Things have slowed down a bit from my last post. I am healthy, working desperatly to save our marriage, working hard in the garden again and we've ordered the wood to do the wrap around porch we've wanted for years. Its mostly gonna be dh and I doing it, yes in this horrid heat and humidity. This fall, we're going to Tn to visit friends. I can't wait!

smoke coming up from the ground...

Thats what I witnessed this afternoon after a flipping of the main breaker to get the electiricity back on. Come to find out, a rock in the ground had damaged the line that runs from the pole to the garage next to our house. Its been an ongoing thing as I've flipped that breaker 3 times in the last 3 days. Bang! than black smoke pouring out of the ground-talk about things you don't see very often! Our deep freeze is kept out in the garage. And EVERYTHING(steaks and all) had gone bad at this point. So DH and I have been out cleaning out the deep freeze, throwing away everything from chicken breasts to steaks. Talk about a disgusting mess!

Other than that, We've been working on our walkway out front. So far hole is dug, 300 lbs of sand and 4 stones have been laid. Yeah, we're a ways from being completed on this project that like most projects has turned out to be a bigger one than we thought originally. But isn't that life? We need approximately 1000 more pounds of sand and then we'll be set.

Off to shower and finally get some dinner started.