so much to blog, so little time...

I think about starting a blog almost everyday. Its much much easier to throw together one sentance and post it on facebook. Although I'm finding myself irritated more and more these days with facebook world- or actually irritated with myself and who I add as friends. Don't get me wrong, I have reconnected with so many people that I wondered if I've ever see or talk to again but I feel fake for constantly congratulating people who are newly pg or their so-and-so who just had a baby. And yet, I feel like a jerk if I don't congratulate. Its just one word, congratulations, and while it typically is heartfelt, its often times inappropraite things like "we're really hoping its a boy since we've already got 3 little girls in the family". I just want to scream WHO CARES(about the gender that is). But instead I do the proper congratulations and/or comment on the adorable pictures and feel beaten. Not beaten like IF used to make me feel but beaten because if I were willing to make a poor me post on fb *wish I could pg, wish my body worked right, wish dhs count and quality of sperm was better, wish my baby wouldn't have died*(you get the picture)- these are the exact same people who would not respond or would give me some kind of religious speech. Yeah well let your baby die, let your child have a m/c after years or IF, you try it all out and see if you can find a reason that makes it ok....Bottom line is this: for me, facebook is kind of fake. Maybe I'm the one whose fake. I like to know whats going on with old friends, and to keep up with extended family that I sometimes go years without seeing but its not always safe. You pop onto facebook and there it is, staring you in the face. You read and sometimes wish you wouldn't have. But whatever...I guess if you want to keep up with them, you keep up with anything they want to share. I don't wish misery on any of them, far from it. I just wish people had a bit more tact sometimes.

Speaking of which, as bitter as that sounds, I'm really not anymore. At least not much. I gave up on figuring out "why me". It just is what it is. I am infertile. I may never have children. I will survive. I've got a pretty damned good life as is. This is alienating me a bit from the IF online community I've grown to love and depend on for so many years. I'm not in that same place anymore, I find it hard to relate. When I do try to support, I feel its too much or not recieved correctly. When I read a blog or a post somewhere from someone new to IUI or IVF, and they are hopeful and excited, I have to tell myself to *not* rain on their parade, to not ruin their optimism. Afterall, it could work. I do hope for them that it does. I just know how bad it can feel when it doesn't. I find it hard to cheer them on, I don't want to contribute to that optimism until they have a happy healthy baby in thier arms. So, while I'm very happy to be on a road of healing after years of IF hell, pain, darkness,sadness, depression and lonliness, I'm finding myself in an odd place. I definately don't fit in with the fertiles, and am beginning to feel like I don't fit in with the infertiles. So where does that leave me?

thats about all I have time for tonight. Wish I blogged more often, it always feel good to work through it, get it out of my mind and onto the keyboard. Wishing my tiny tiny audience a very happy thanksgiving. I know I'm looking forward to it this year. I've got so much to be thankful for :)

this and that...

My cousins baby shower is tomorrow. I'm not going but feel ok about it. Even ran into her tonight while shopping her registry for the gift for tomorrow(tiny bit embarassed because 1) she saw what was in my basket and knows what I'm getting her now, and 2) she knows I waited till the very last possible second to get her anything. I haven't seen her for oh say 2-3 months and boy has she blew up, but oh so cute. She's soooo tiny with this big 'ole round hard bump. I smiled, and didn't even have to fake it. If this is what being at peace feels like, than me likes it. I shopped the baby section for a good 15 minutes trying to find the last few things that werne't horribly expensive that haven't been bought yet. And I survived. Didn't even break a sweat. Man, I'm getting good at this acceptance thing. And truthfully, I have serious doubts about her ability to be a good mother BUT I hope she will be. And I am excited for her, and happy for her. Truely. Oh, the registry. PLEASE! OMG, she registered for some of the dumbest stuff, a glade candle in a vanilla scent, a zip up robe for herself, p.js for her, NIPPLE CREAM, nursing bras. Call me old fashioned but arn't those strange requests? Its not her day(well kinda)but mostly its the babys. Not that she isn't important but I'd rather get gifts for the baby, after all its a baby shower, not her bday. Am I wrong here?.....She registered for 1 lousy package of diapers. ONE. Yep, she's clueless. I don't think she realizes the first few weeks are filled with eating,crying and pooping. lots and lots of poop....


Our(dh & I) birthdays are coming up Monday. YiPeeee. I wish I didn't feel this way about bdays. I wish I felt like celebrating but I just don't want to get any older. I know people in their 30s or 40s would give anything to be 28 again, I get that. Just like I would love to be 25 again. Maybe I need to forget about them for good. Not even acknowledge the day. I don't know why I feel like this, up until my 24th or 25th bday, I loved having bdays. Now, not so much. Its not like I have a bad life, I don't. In fact, I've got a pretty peachy life. I love my husband more and more with each passing day. I have purpose. I am luckier than many-possibly even more lucky than most. Bdays are just life, right?....No real plans for the day, we both have to work. D had said something about taking me to our favorite japenese restaurant later on in the week. Guess we'll see.

It is soooo FALL here. I love it. Its been absolutely beautiful! The past 2 days or so the trees have really started changing. I love autumn. I tolerate the cold and the rain and the illness I just got over that visits every year around this time cuz I have no other choice but the beautiful colors of the trees almost makes all that worth while.

My dog is just the coolest thing ever. He's so stinkin' smart, it kills me sometimes. Would love to go into more detail with a couple of his latest antics and stories but my droopy eyes along with truckers attempts to wiggle in between me and the laptop(jealousy, i can't pet him and type at the same time) are telling me that will all have to wait.

did something unusual today...

Or at least unusual for me. I found myself staring at a wall for at least a good hour, possibly closer to 2 even. I was so deep in thought, trying to wrap my mind about things. Recalling things from the past, pondering the here and now and guessing the future. Its funny, I remember the feeling of knowing(or at least thinking I knew) what the future would hold. But that was once upon a lifetime. I wonder when that changed- when I went from one extreme to the other, went from the control freak of "this will be my future" to the passive "I wonder what will happen".

Sure, like most women little thoughts pop in my head by the millions throughout the day, I wonder this or think about that but to really just stare at a wall, sitting in a completely quiet room, just thinking. Well its kind of amazing. Not neccassairly good amazing or bad amazing, perhaps some of both. Normally, I don't allow myself to escape like this, to take this amount of time to just think. To really think.


I wonder as many of Infertiles must wonder if I fear being a mother more than fear not being a mother. After ttc for so many years, you begin to try to force yourself into a healing mode. You tell yourself you don't want children, you tell yourself it will never happen. Really, for me anyway, I was unable to deal with the real painful stuff so I swept it under a rug in the corner of my mind. Which brings me to where I am now. I just don't know. I wonder how thats possible after all the years of ttc, after the m/c, after all thats happened. I wonder how its possible for me to *not* know what I want. Sure, I still love the idea of a child. I think I care less and less each day about weather that child is genetically linked to either dh or myself. I think about when my nephew is here. Thats when I'm the very happiest. I feel a certain pride with my nephew, even though I'm just an aunt. My heart bursts at the seams for him. I think if I can love him that much with him only being my nephew, well than I must be fit for motherhood.

One thing I thought about today that I hadn't (really)thought about for a long time and some of my readers may know this already-we had attempted to adopt an infant from a very bad situation years ago and it fell through. Thats a feeling that I don't know I could stomache to feel again. I barely even ever got to hold him yet I feel I was put in the situation to adopt him not by chance but because I was destined to be his mother. I think of how old he would be. I even see "them" including "him" now and again at local events or walmart. I avoid eye contact for fear of falling on the floor wailing loudly for my baby. DH very much believes I am or should be "over it". Considering that the baby was born addicted to many illegals, perhaps he's right and we got "lucky" by "getting out of it". Of course my feeling is more like we got robbed, they stole my child. No I didn't birth that child but the home life I could have provided for that child, the sheer love, there is no way what he's been given can compare. I feel like I was cheated in the worst way you could cheat a person.

And then theres the m/c. I'm still shocked much of the time that we got pg without medical intervention, without even trying. Talk about irony considering we were at a point of giving up, trying to live happily as a married couple without children. It was getting easier all the time, before long we didn't even have to fake being happy, we just were. And then bam! Our lives were turned right side up(as opposed to upside down) when I saw that BFP. I'd never gotten a bfp. We were over the moon redicously happy. Thinking of it still brings a smile to my face. I want to remember that feeling so much more than the feeling of dread I had when I discovered the blood, or even worse when it was confirmed.

My bday is coming up in oh about 10 days or so. I am in a much better place in many ways then I was a few years ago. I still think I've been dealt a bad hand but I question if I stay in the game if I'll ever get a good hand or not. So I guess the question is is it worth it? Wish I knew the answer, but as is everything in life, the answer is not yet clear. I do know this, we can't wait much longer. Come the 26th of Oct, I will celebrate my 28th bday, dh his 37th. Neither of us will want to become parents much past either of these ages. In fact, at one point dh said absolutely not after turning 35(for him). Its funny how we can change our minds on that easily when trying to fill your hearts desire.

winning the battle...(?)

Or at least I feel like it at the moment. Had kind of a breakthrough at marriage counselling, I felt cornered at first but by the end of the session, I felt so relieved. I had to admit what I wanted, what I *really* wanted for our relationship. I waver on this so often that its hard to know from one moment to the next what I want but now...NOW... I have commited that I want to make this work, that I want to be happily married again to my husband. I know that it may not work, hence the true cause(I believe) for my wavering. Strangely enough, its a lot like ttc. After so long, you become numb to failed cycles, you don't plan on it ever being "your month", its a defense mechanism. I've used it my entire life, to protect myself from rejection, pain, possible failure. But sometimes you have to take the plunge, jump...Maybe you'll sink, maybe not.


I've got many more things to blog about but those will have to wait till next time. for now, lifes truely ok. :)

life is such a process..

Really, its freaking exhausting. Wouldn't it be easier if we were just here, and say by age 20 knew all we needed to know? Sure, its a neat idea, learning everyday, evolving, the way things change, yadayada yada BUT. Man can it suck sometimes.

I'm finding myself trying to save a marraige I don't know if I want to save or not. I find myself completely discontent with my work. I tell myself I'm worth so much more, I should have been something more. Yeah, I dont love my job. I'm facing something that is fairly new to me, fear. I'm too afraid to do anything about it, to follow my passions. And so I stay.(both the job and maybe my mariage). I'm a big ole scardy cat. I know I'm young, I can always go back to school, start following my dreams,etc...But the fear of failure is there.

I go back and forth on ttc past,non existant present and future. No, we arn't ttc in any way, shape or form(that would be stupid since my marriage is on the rocks). My failure to concieve followed by what felt like my only chance at pregnancy ending in miscarriage are raw spots. It stings sometimes. Its not a constant cut to the quick kind of pain it was during the RE and treatment days, but yeah, when I think I'll never have babies of my own to love, nurture and watch grow. well, it puts a lump in my throat. I get a bit teary. And not entirely for myself, I get sad for anyone whose ever struggled. I think of online friends like Simone, Liss, Daisy,Nona and other long time ttc'ers I know irl. All in all, I've come a long ways in the form of acceptance over IF hell. I don't dislike people solely because they have kids nor do I dispise pg women. Perhaps for the first time in my life, I actually see children for what they really are, the whole idea of family. Its all such a miracle, one that so many parents overlook so easily.

I miss the old me. The fearless me. The girl who followed her dreams, believed in herself, was passionate. The girl that had goals. I wish I could turn back time and take that with me from the past so I could have it now.

walking down memory lane...

You ever have mini flashbacks? At my cousins wedding this last weekend, I did the unthinkable-I cried. That is so *NOT ME*, or at least it didn't used to be me. I was crying for her, worried she's making a mistake, I was crying for me, worried I made a mistake 9 yrs ago by vowing my life to the man I loved(love?)... I can remember thinking seconds before walking down the isle that there is always an out in marraige if it "doesn't work out". That can't be a good sign. Then again, maybe thats something lots of brides feel but won't say. Maybe its a sign of cold feet? Maybe its just the realist in me, knowing the hell my mother went thorugh for years with my father in a love less marriage, and knowing that after all those years, she finally got out. So maybe it was my way of being rational, telling myself that if we couldn't make it work, I could always divorce him... In any event...

The mini flashbacks don't stop there. I remembered the first boy I told I loved the other day while cleaning out emotional cobwebs. I hadn't thought of that for many years. I wonder why its resurfaced now? It broke my heart that he didn't tell me back. At least not right then. He looked scared, like a deer caught in the headlights of a car bearing down on him. We broke up not long after that. I didn't love him, I was too young at that age to know what true love was. Maybe I'm still too young and/or immature to know what true love is. Afterall, where would I have ever witnessed that firsthand? Certainly not by watching my parents marraige.

They knew how to put on a happy face, my mom and dad. People were shocked at the allegations my mom made after she packed up and left him. I'm certain most people didn't believe a word she said, some still probally don't believe her-especially about the abuse. I reconnected a while back with a childhood friend who insists my father was not a drunk. She never saw my dad be anything but nice. How should I respond to such a thing,really? You spend so many years hiding the facts, pretending your part of a happy family that even now I feel my BP and heart rate rise when I talk out loud about my relationship with my father, or about my parents relationship with one another. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, so I down play it, at least out loud in the presence of others. Somehow I must have been made to feel as if I were to blame because to this day there is a shamefull feeling about my fathers actions/his drinking/the seperation/the divorce.

I remember when I first saw my dad after mom and me left. He cried. I had never seen him cry, not even when my baby brother passed away years earlier. He begged me to talk mom into coming back to him, he said that if I insisted on coming back home, he knew she would too. He was right. We had left before and I missed home, we were gone for part of a summer and then went back. Things had gotten better for a time, but it didn't last. Slowly, things got worse and worse. I do remember feeling pressured, like I held the ability to keep the family together, even though I knew realistly, it would have only been a matter of time before someone would have gotten seriously hurt...or worse. Sometimes I think, still to this day I carry some shame, some guilt because I didn't do more to keep the family together, even if that were truely impossible. Sure I wasn't the one who tore the family apart, but I.....arrrgggh

theres more so much more. It seems like I'm uncovering more everyday. Its not all bad, or at least on the surface doesn't seem bad(I remember back roading with my dad a lot when I was young-they were at the time good memories-now I know that drinking a case of beer in a day and driving isn't so good-especially when you've got your kid with you)--....In any event, I feel like I'm searching for something. Like I've hidden so many things in the back of my mind that its time to do an emotional clean up- sort through the memories, deal with the emotions that come with said memorys. I think my subconscious may be looking for answers.

Emotional crap aside, life is fair right now. Things have slowed down a bit from my last post. I am healthy, working desperatly to save our marriage, working hard in the garden again and we've ordered the wood to do the wrap around porch we've wanted for years. Its mostly gonna be dh and I doing it, yes in this horrid heat and humidity. This fall, we're going to Tn to visit friends. I can't wait!

random ramblings and stuff going on...

I'm in such a wierd place right now. Sometimes I feel like things are spinning out of control, like everything is just moving, except for me. I'm in a rut of some sort? I dunno. Its like if your on a rollar coaster and about to lose your cookies, screaming at the top of your lungs to "STOP OR I'M GONNA THROW UP" doesn't matter to them, or at least the ride doesn't stop just to let you get off. I feel like I am going through the motions of everything but not really feeling anything or letting anything effect me. Maybe I'm just distaincing myself from myself and my life.hmmmmm....

DH has moved back in. things are going ......ummmm..........ok, I guess. Not good, not bad. I really am devoting my all to trying to help the situation. He's trying too, although I think he's more "doing things"(helping me around the house more, picked me flowers yesterday,etc) instead of doing any sort of internal self work, if that makes sense.

My cousin, the one whose life is such a mess stayed here for a couple of days. She has officially left her deadbeat boy toy, much to my delight. I am certain she can't make any kind of self improvement with him in her corner. She's really starting to act like a mother to be which is a relief to me. I was really worried prior to the past few days, mostly for the unborn baby. Now, she's looking for an apartment, rather than staying with random people here and there, counting on others to help her out. She's gotten herself a job, not a great job but a job. I'm proud of her. She's finally realized how big of a deal being a single mother is going to be, and she's owning up!

Gardening has been horrendous. I'm finding it really hard to keep up with pulling the weeds and keeping the grass down. And the heat,ugggh. Over 100 today with a heat advisory thorugh tomorrow night. I don't think the air has kicked off all day here at home(i'm "working" from here today). the electric bill is gonna kick my butt!!

Due to a few sorta unexpected big bills, I think dh has decided he's gonna cash in his life insurance. I think its stupid but am trying to not pick a fight, afterall it is his policy. even if cashing it in means only getting half or so of what he's paid in the last 10 yrs. With things the way they are right now, I'm just kinda trying to pick my battles. Seeing Kate on tv last night made me see the kind of wife I don't want to be. I am NOT a victim. I don't want to be seen as a victim.

We went out with friends on their boat this last Saturday in celebration(if you will) of our 9th wedding anniversary. It was strange, I didn't think we'd be spending the day together but said friends kind of set this up for us, trying to get us back together or whatever. I know people mean well but I'm not a big fan of the butting in. Spending time with him, with them there as well, on the boat was good. It was comfortable, not strange feeling like it would have been if we spent the day apart, or together alone.

DH has been talking a lot about future plans. This bothers me for 2 reasons. first, I'm not as certain as he seems to be about our future plans and second, I'm a much better rein taker than he. Maybe this is part of his transformation, he's trying to be more open, which i appreciate but I'm not sure how I feel about him planning trips for us,etc. And he's talked about doing some of the remodeling I had mentioned before(you know before it all went south). I'm not sure where our marriage is at, nor where it will be at in the times to come so I'm not really on board with spending money on a home that we currently share. maybe i should just jump in with both feet, give in but this feels safer to me. I have low expectations, that way just in case, I won't get hurt again.

Since the m/c, I have made huge strides in many ways. Most days I'm ok with the changes life has brought my way in terms of my plans and the actuality of infertility. But once in a while, for seemingly no reason, I seem to fall into a deep depression. I grieve for the loss, I grieve for the acceptance I can't seem to find, I grieve over the realization and I want peace. I want it so desperately. Normally, these episodes seem to pass quickly, only lasting maybe one night of sobbing. But boy does it suck when it hits.

Off to start dinner. I think we're having orange glazed baked chicken and rice and baked potatoes that dh dug up this morning before heading to work. I may make something for dessert, i've got a sweet tooth today.

realization #5 million and 68

After being with my mom this evening in wal mart and listening to her chit chat with an old friend she ran in to, it dawned on me as she was bragging to this lady about my nephew, I'll never do that. I'll never say "my grandkids blah blah blah". Now, I've gotten really used to answering the questions about not having children and I always figured that was just a part of life, like maybe people would quit asking once they assumed I was beyond child bearing years?? I'm not really sure what I thought but now I realize, this is a life long thing. Once they quit asking me if I have kids, then it will be "how many grandkids do you have?" Followed by them showing me pictures of all thier grandkids. Then I started thinking about my funeral, I guesss they'll just skip over the part of listing any survivors. Anywho, its not a sad thing, even if it sounds like a pity party, its just a realization.

Another realization, and I told h(no longer dh) this the other day, I don't want to be married to him anymore if it doesn't change. Not at all. I miss him, I love him like mad, but I simply haven't been happily married for over a good year now. Granted, it isn't always gonna be rainbows and butterflies BUT to not be happy for over a year in a marriage? That simply isn't right. Life is plain and simple too short to not be happy. And no one else can provide that for you, its something you have to find for yourself. He hasn't been happy either. We do still want to try to make it work, but not at the expense of an unfulfilled unhappy life. At this stage, we're just cooling off I guess. We've been talking daily but its so hard for him to open up and communicate with me. I try to encourage him but its just so tiring. I end up letting my temper flair and getting angry. Afterall, I'm not aksing for the unthinkable. I just want him to tell me how he feels, what he wants. Its sad that its so hard for him. And sad that I'm so hot headed towards him, and so impatient. I have to keep working on that, for sure.

how funny...

I just re-read my last post. How funny that I have problems opening up to a therapist but can freely post online with no problems or fear of being judged. I'm certain it must be for the most part that its just simply to not give a crap about what people whom will most likely never meet me IRL will think of me. But I suspect there may be more to it than just that alone. I'll have to give it some thought.

I have tons of new news I could post, lots going on but time as usual just doesn't permit so this too shall be a short catch up blog.

Things with DH are still somewhat shakey. I find myself almost fantasizing what my life would be like it we would have never married. Now mind you, he IS a good dh-or at least I want to believe that but something has been lacking, obviously. Some sort of need must not be getting met. Its not like I just wonder what my life would be like, its more like a yearning to be single. He came and rescued me at a time in my life that I believed I wanted to be rescued, when really, I needed to find myself, rather than try to mold myself into some sort of trophy wife. And I believe due to that, due to the desperate attempts on my behalf to be the "right" type of wife, well I got even further and further from sorting my true self out. I lost contact with most of my friends-they were still wild and crazy. I was a married women....who forced myself to grow up too soon. And then theres the whole other side to the story, the part of me that loves him so desperately, that I feel I can't life without him. Almost like an addiction. In any event, I am certain that one way or another, things will be ok. It has to be. To an extent, its quite out of my control, and I like that, letting go of the control. Things not being my fault, but rather fate.

In other news, I've been working very hard on all aspects of my life, both physically and emotionally. I feel wonderful. content. I'm finally doing some things to control my sugar levels, even if its just small things like cutting wayyyyy back on the sweet tea,etc. My bp had been giving me trouble as well so I've been trying to keep that in check as well and feeling pro active in trying to take care of myself once again. Granted, I haven't lost any real weight to speak of, but weight doesn't neccasiarly point to health. Eating healthy is more important than a number on a scale, right? The emotional stuff, well its just old baggage that a less mature me just couldn't work through. I didn't know how, so I sorta stuck it away. Its strange when you begin really reminiscing about the past, the things that surface. Its almost like living it again sometimes, it feels that fresh and new. I still have zero desire to patch things up with my dad, I just don't want him in my life at this point but I've been wanting to call him and talk to him, and tell him I forgive him. I believe I used to feel as if he were an alchoholic by choice. More recently, I have tried to not judge him so harshly, partly due to my memories from young childhood. Memories of being daddys girl, good times. It had been so easy to throw those older, good memories away in favor for the more recent, more hurtful bad memories. I don't believe he really changed, I believe he fell victim to a terrible disease that had more control over him than he had control over it, and that changed who he was. In looking at it in that aspect, I can forgive him. I would want him to know if something were to happen to him, I'd want him to die knowing that I still remember the good old days, and that I forgive him for the bad days.

Looking at the time, I've gotta get in bed. I've got a very early appt with the vet tomorrow to get truckers pred. shot, followed by a 12 hr work day, followed by needed to de-weed the garden and some yard work, time permitting. Re: Trucker--Poor babys allergies are driving him insane. He scratches and chews on himself so much, he's getting a few tiny bald spots and red splotches. I know he's mierable. The vet has suggested in the past that its part food allergy related and partiallly grass related since it worsens so much this time of year. I'm not a fan of the whole steroid thing-but I can't watch him and not do anything knowing he's in pain, not if theres anything in my power I can do to relieve it.

FINALLY!! A breakthrough

So DH called me at work today wanting to know if he could come over tonight and talk. I of course agreed. It went really really well, I'm happy to say. He basically wanted to know where we go from here,phew, I'm glad I wasn't the only one wondering. I was as honest as I could be considering the state of mind I've been in, and as confused about it all as I have been. I told him I missed him but that things have got to change or it will never work. He agreed. At a friends advice, I told him what I needed and wanted and then done something I'm not sure I've ever thought to do before(more about this in a sec)---I asked him what he wanted and needed. Wow-I know your thinking how could she be so cold hearted to not even ask her dh what he needs or wants. Well to those of you, all I can tell you is that its very easy when your S.O is as passive as mine. When you know the answer is gonna be a shrug or a 'I dunno-whatever you want'(in a tone as if you'd just asked what we should have for dinner), well its quite easy to just not ask. I get tired of asking questions that I know what the answer will be before the question leaves my mouth so I have just learned over the years to quit wasting my breath. The point to asking even if you know the answer is so that the other person feels they have some sort of say, its to be considerate. Even if the answer is 'I dunno' or some other blow off, its in the ASKING that is powerful. See, I've pretty much tried to take control of the relationship, its just easier that way since I'm agressive and dh is quite passive. At least I can admit this and take the blame for it. DH also admitted tho that he let me take the reins, he allowed it. Maybe its some form of cop out, laziness,whatever.

In any event, dh openly shared a lot of the responsibility of problems. One of the big ones is our nearly non existant sex life. I had actually pretty much laid all the blame on myself for that one. Since starting celexa, plus weight gain, plus 2 jobs, stress, well I just didn't care one way or another weather it happened. Actually I did have a preferance, I perferred it didn't happen. Thats probally the worst kind of rejection a man can face. DH summed it up to himself that it was because he was unable to find a job, that I was disappointed in him, angry with him, he thought I thought he was a loser, so he quit trying to get any. I of course took a bit of offense to this, sure it had to have been because I'm so disgustingly fat and ugly(I do feel this way actually a lot of the time). So he was basically confirming what I was thinking/feeling about myself.

Its amazing how comfortable you can get in a marriage. You feel so safe and comfortable that you both can be dealing with the exact same thing and pushing one another away rather than holding on to one another when its needed the most. Similiarly, many things, I never asked dh how he felt, I probally told him how I felt and he tried to do the best to feel the same as me. Not that he's week, he's just not a boat rocker.

One big thing he brought up was the m/c, and how I pushed him away afterwards. I shocked myself by what came out of my mouth. I accused him of not caring, of not being saddened by it. Afterall I never saw not a single tear from him. And, he was at that point "over" ttc. He had come to terms with the fact that we wouldn't have any children. I believe I had thought I had, but I'm not sure you ever can fully come to terms with it, or at least I never got there like he did. It BLEW WE AWAY that I said this-I didn't even know I felt that. I never really expected to see any emotion from him over the m/c but still it hurt that I didn't. You know in looking back, it was one of the hardest things I'd ever been through, and I could have really used him during that time, its still hard a lot of the time. Yet. I pushed him away. again.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about all of it, the pushing him away, and differnt things and I can see a pattern starting from my childhood. Odd little habits that I've carried with me throughout life. I'm not saying I had a shit childhood but it could have been better. I went from being daddys little girl at one point to the place I'm at with my father now-we've barely spoken over the past several years. In highschool, I CRAVED attention from boys(i believed attention was love). If that meant the entire school believed me to be the biggest slut in school, well at least I stood out from the rest of the girls.


Eeeeks, here I am on a roll and my batterys almost done. I'll try to recharge and finish this after the storm. I would like to end this post by saying things arn't fixed between dh and I, but at least we're getting somewhere. I think with lots more open communication, (and a good therapist wouldn't hurt either I'm sure) that maybe, just maybe we can be happy again. He's not moving back in just yet, we both agreed that would just make things harder for the both of us right now but we are going to dinner tomorrow night- HE MADE THE PLANS-can you believe it??LOL....Who is this man who hasn't made reservations anywhere for at least 5 yrs?!

And so it goes...

DH and I had dinner last night. It went ok. We still haven't really touched on the subject of whats next(perhaps tap danced around). The truth is that he seems happy. How selfish am I to hope that he'll be miserable without me? But when I reallllllllllly think about it, I realize I haven't been any sort of fun to live with for the most part-since oh.....a couple of years ago now. I just hope that I haven't permently ruined things between us. I don't think I'm completely responsible but I do feel at least mostly responsible for not taking care of our marriage. For letting it be when it needed work the most and for pushing him away when I needed him. I want him back but I'm trying to get to the root of it, WHY I want him back. Is it because I'm crushed that after nearly 9 yrs of marriage, I want to make it work if at all possible-even if making it work is never going to happen? I know I've changed over the years-especially due in part to ttc. Has that change in me made it impossible for him to love me? Do I just want him back because I miss his presence even if I don't miss him-afterall the bed seems empty. No one wants to think about 'what if it doesn't work out' on their wedding day-they just want to believe it WILL work-or at least I did.

He asked if he could have trucker for a couple of days. I of course agreed(trucker has been missing him almost as much as me). He asked about the house, if there was anything he needed to come and do. As much as I want to beg him back, I'm not going to make up things to have him come do. Maybe by asking if theres anything I need for him to do, he's asking if I want him back....Maybe... Which ever way he said he was gonna come by and mow the lawn one day this week-I refused. He's not living here, why should he have to mow?? We both finally agreed he'd wait till my day off and come help me mow-with 2 people and 2 riders its still a 4 hour job--we have a huge yard.

I've been working on lots of outside projects around the house, gardening,etc. trying to keep my mind busy but really more than anything being outside gives me a good chance to get lots of good deep thinking done. I've been doing lots of reflection on my marriage, my inner being, my past and am hoping that it will lead me to an idea of what I truely want for the future.

I'm pretty sure we're in for a big storm again tonight so I had better get out to the car and roll my windows up before it starts.

top 10 2 a.m truths...

I feel like owning up...

1. Sometimes I feel so strange-almost out of body. I'm not who I used to be. I miss myself. My old self.

2. I struggled with severe PTSD from the ages of 10 until....not sure I don't still deal with it often.

3. Starting around the age of 14, I was highly addicted to numerous things that made me numb. While I haven't used drugs in years and am able to keep my alcohol use in check now with no problem, sometimes I long for the feeling of that numbness. I wasn't a stupid kid, I knew everything I done was wrong, BUT I felt like I was punishing myself. And I've always felt I deserved to be punished.

4. I hate the color pink. I can deal with a pink shirt but a pink car or a matching pink outfit...PUKE...Reminds me of pepto bismol!

5. I have serious doubts about the state of my marriage. The spark just seems to be gone. I love him deeply but I don't know that either of us wants to be with the other anymore.

6. re: the state of my marriage- I blame a large part of our troubles on the years of ttc. Funny, everyone else always said it brought them closer together with thier partners. I think it tore us apart.

7. I still dream frequently about my brother who passed away almost 22 yrs ago. I talk to my dead grandpa sometimes and ask him for advice. Luckily, so far he doesn't talk back to me so I think I'm still sane.

8. I think I will always carry guilt with me over the m/c. Try as I may, I simply can't dismiss all the things I had done wrong in the very beginning of that pregnancy. Funny(not haha funny) how all those years I took my temp, wouldn't drink during the 2ww, watched what I ate, etc and then when finally I came to terms with remaining childless, all of that went out the window. Right along with properally monitoring my cycles.

9. I can think of 2 pretty good instances where I made horrible mistakes years ago(bad screw ups) that would be reason enough for me to not have children now. karma's a bitch

10. I have no long term goals. I have no idea what I want in the next 5 yrs. I don't know if I'll still be married then or not, or if I want to be. I don't know if I'll be traveling with the circus as a side show freak which I should be or if I'll be stuck in this itty bitty town. I feel I am worth soooo much more than this. Other times, I don't feel I'm worth the air I breathe.

now....maybe I can sleep. I hope no one feels obligated to reply, mostly i just need to get this crap out and be honest about it. reassurance isn't what i'm looking for here, i just need to be me.

feeling indifferent...

My last blog was about how I've felt pressure from others. Well now I think I can count myself amongst the ranks of the rest of the world. I don't know whats next. And I want to know. I'm not ok with feeling things are out of my hands(one would think I would have accepted that LONG ago after all those failed years of ttc). I've always took the idea drilled into me as a kid(you know the one, 'you can be anything you want when you grow up') as literal...and perhaps beyond. So to be faced with things you actually have zero control over....well, its still a hard pill for me to swallow.

Basically, I'm finding myself half wanting to have dh get the big V, and half wanting to save for IVF. I'm just that unsure of what I want and how are you going to go about getting it if you don't even know what your going for?? I cannot wrap my mind around ttc again, I'm afraid it would break me beyond repair emotionally. The idea puts knots in my stomache. I partially feel I want to be a parent, I sometimes desperatly feel like that is "missing" but there are lots of good moments in life that would be difficult or impossible to repeat with the life altering responsibility of parenthood. I definately have a very nurturing maternal instinct that I often feel is unfulfilled. I believe I had felt at peace with the idea of remaining childless, and then those 2 little pink lines. Now, I find myself second guessing. I feel like I finally got close, not close enough but a glimpse. The first "hope" I had felt in a long time, in regards to ttc and becoming a mother.

I look myself in the mirror and think "what are you doing.....what's next"... And the fact that I don't have a clue, that I don't know what I even want for the future. Well, being a control freak, it frightens me. I always wanted to be a young mom. For me, that hasn't changed. Is there still time? Sure. I'm only 27....A few years ago, ideally, I would be done ttc at this point in my life and have my 2-3 kiddos by now. And now, thinking back upon that, the idea almost scares me.

I realize I'm being unpractical. I realize that the m/c is still fresh in my mind and weighing on my heart. I just suddenly feel I must have a plan for the future. I have to know. It feels urgent. It.Can't.Wait. Dh suggested we ttc like we used to, in the beginning. Which in my mind isn't really even trying. Its not going to get us there, buddy, sorry. He thinks since we concieved naturally ONCE after 7 yrs,treatment and failed IUIs, that it might happen again soon(*eyeroll*). In a way, I feel much like I did coming up on around our 2 yr ttc anniversary. By then, it seemed thats all I focused on, ttc. Pondering everything in my life right down to what I ate,drank,etc. Reading up on long term ttc'ers struggles and worrying that we may be headed for the same kind of trouble. See, even the stress of thinking about ttc or ending the journey here and now is stressing me the hell out!

I wish I could push it to the back burner, like I have before. Just shrug it off thinking "if it happens, thats great(all along knowing that the chances were slim to none) and it it doesn't thats ok too". Well guess what, all my burners on the stove are full, something has to be pitched. I have a feeling that within the next year, something big will happen, no idea what but I can't put this on hold that much longer because as long as its on the stove, even on the back burner, its still there. I have to have dreams and focuses for the future.

Damn this yearning to move forward with something-ANYTHING right this second. Damn these feelings.


On a positive note, DH got through orientation with no problem, just waiting on the call for the job to actually begin. On the backside of that, it is a temp position which was not known until the day of orientation. So, technically, he's employed but still looking. Ho Hum

One more positive note, went to bros and SILs today for easter dinner(a day early due to conflicts in scheduale) Weather wonderful, my nephew(and trucker) had a blast egg hunting. Food was great, it was actually a lot of fun. A nice little escape from my crazy mind.

hope everyone has a fantastic easter!!