long time no blog

for a whole lotta differnt reasons. Its not that I don't have anything to say, I've always got plenty going on and plenty to say. Just nothing too exciting. Life for the most part is good right now...or at least ok. sometimes thats as good as it can get, right?

Lets see, my relationship with dh seems to be improving everyday. I remember why I fell in love with him again. We've been tackling projects around the house big time and we've been enjoying it. Not that its fun stuff, but we're enjoying the time we are spending together. We haven't been able to turn the not so fun tasks into fun by being together in quite some time. I almost forgot that doing nothing much or tackling a big project together could be so much fun. He's more considerate and does little things daily that melt my heart. Things like coming up behind me while I'm doing the dishes at the sink and putting his arms around me, telling me he'll take over and to go sit down and relax. Thats my REAL idea of romance. Thats love, IMO. I know we've still got a ways to go-my biggest fear is that we'll get lazy again, quit doing for each other, quit caring and it will all fall apart once again.

To get on with it: the projects, we're heading to Tn on vacation to see friends in a couple weeks time. I've got a list that seems to be a mile long of things that MUST get done before we leave. If these things(or at least the majority of them) don't get done, we'll postpone the trip, bad as I hate to because coming straight back from vacation, we'll have family here from FL. I always do some kind of dinner or something while they are here but this year, I want more. With the deck nearly completed(its been done as far as the building goes for over a month now), I couldn't think of anything better than a deck party while they are here. So, we ordered the redwood sealer that we really liked after my extensive over analyzing research on which deck sealer is the best for hardwoods(really I probally spent a good 20 hours reading up on all of it online,rediculous I know). So, we ordered it over 2 weeks ago and have been impatiently awaiting its arrival. Finally, it came. Yesterday and part of the evening before were spent power washing the deck and house. I was amazed at how dirty the deck had already gotten since we just got it finished a bit over a month ago. The wood has really dried out, started splitting quite bad in some places. So we were really ready to get started on the sealing. We got most of it done today. Now we're crossing our fingers that the rain won't mess up our beautiful work-theres a chance tomorrow. Its much darker than we originally anticipated but a beautiful, beautiful redwood color, reminds me a LOT of cedar, which I love. Tomorrow evening after work, we'll finish the 10% or so left of the sealing and then it will be on to power washing and begin sealing the front deck-which is much much smaller and shouldn't be near the project.

Other than the deck, we've got to get the garden back under control. We have to. Theres no way I can let my rich relatives see weeds and grass in my gardens, lol. I've been so pre occupied in things that can't wait that the garden has been left to fend for itself. Only the strong plants survive around here. I've got a knockout rose that is constantly blooming and does good taking care of itself. If it gets really dry, I try to give it a drink. I've got some coleus that nearly drowned from the friday before labor day when we picked up 5 inches of rain in a matter of a few hours. My cockscomb is BEAUTIFUL! I will definately dry a head or two and save some seed to replant this next year, its soooo pretty(and carefree). Oh, the morning glories and moon flowers also do wonderfully when left alone, the morning glorys actually stay bloomed out until late evening now. All the planting I done early this spring has made for a very tired gardener who works one FT job, one PT job and donates about 10 hours a week at the animal shelter. Not that I'm complaining. I love my life most of the time. Its just hard to fit everything in!

I also MUST MUST MUST get this house into shape before we leave for TN. I want to get the walls all washed which is a huge project what with moving all the furniture and all. I would love to have the kitchen painted by the time the FL folks come up here but am trying to not overwelm myself and put more on my plate than is possible. There are other little things I want done before we leave to. Guess we'll see how things pan out!

Re: the deck party. We're having a guy we know smoke brisket and ribs. And we'll have the traditional picnic-y sides. You know, potato salad, baked beans, and such. A friend of mine does mobile d.j ing and has offered her services as a very good rate so depending on how things go, I may have her play. I'm planning on inviting both sides of the family, and tons of friends. Expecting over 100 people probally. I know, I should be shot! LOL! But, my mom will help me. Nothing like coming home from vacation and throwing yourself deep into work, huh? But its not like I don't want to do it. Because I do, I think it will be fun. Which reminds me, if the weathers bad the party will have to be moved to the garage outside which is another HUGE project getting that all in order, just in case.*sigh*

Oh! I almost forgot to mention the other reason for not keeping up with blogging, or at least the reason for the last week. I have been computer-less, until today. DH was online on the toshiba last week and it just died. I fully expected for the puter dr to fix it, but it was time to lay her to rest. We haven't buried her yet,lol, maybe we should have her cremated! Anywho, as of today, I am the proud owner of a refurbed gatway. So far, so good.

phew! better get to making the rest of my online rounds, gotta get up early tomorrow.yipee

Busy,Busy,Busy...

Life is spinning right now. Besides work(60ish hours a week) I'm helping my bro and SIL out this week by keeping my nephew some while his regular sitter is on vacation. Awww,right? NO! He is SOOOOO 2 yrs old! Don't get me wrong, when he's sweet, I love him to bits, I want a child so bad that my heart aches but when he's thrown himself on the floor kicking and screaming because I cut him off after one big bowl of ice cream, and I try to console him to which he hits me and tries to bite me. Yeah, if I were the praying type, thats when I'd pray a big 'ole THANK YOU to the man upstairs for the curse of IF.(I'm actually agnostic). Anywho.

My garden is going to hell. Lucky me I planted lots of drought tolerant stuff that can take some heat and dryness. The rest,well I guess it will die, like a lot of it I planted back this spring. Some nights I get home so late I don't have time to work in the garden, its already dark. Other nights, I just don't have the energy left.

Our 4th was good. We took nephew to the local fireworks display in the evening after the usual fish fry at my grandfathers. The moring of the 4th was spent at the parade. Yeah, exhausting day for me, DH, and J. The next day-yesterday I hosted family dinner night. Made 2 HUGE chicago stype pizzas from scratch. Turned out yummy. Pretty much I spent my day off cleaning and cooking.

More of the same for this week. No time to garden, letting all my hard work go to hell. Picking up nephew 3 days this week after work, one night I'll drop him off @ moms so that will be good. I love him I really do. I just hate the terrible 2s! LOL

My cousins wedding is coming up this weekend. She's a total bridezilla. REALLY. I've quit taking calls from her. I just don't have the energy to give her when in the end they will be married. I kept trying to tell her, thats all that really matters. She wants to marry him, and she's gonna. The rest really is just fluff..... I've been trying to find something to wear but keep having that "everything I own is ugly, I'm too fat" thing going on over and over. I don't have time to do any shopping(and if I did I wouldn't probally waste money on a dress that more than likely would never be worn again).sigh

DH and I have marriage counselling Wednesday. Things with us have been good the last couple of days. He's making an effort and I'm appreciative. He cashed in his life insurance-I didn't stop him but wasn't pleased. He keeps saying we're gonna get away this fall, maybe to TN to see some friends we miss dearly. At first I thought this was his way of running from our problems, but really I think it would be good for us. I'm for it, I could use a few days of un planned fun. I don't know if I remember how to relax! LOL

Gotta get T in the tub-TMI: He apparently rolled in something today and sticks like a pig! there's no way he's sleeping in my bed smelling like that!(BTW, T is the dog, not DH-LMAO)...

Oye-my thoughts are everywhere. No wonder I'm having trouble sleeping, my mind is racing.

random ramblings and stuff going on...

I'm in such a wierd place right now. Sometimes I feel like things are spinning out of control, like everything is just moving, except for me. I'm in a rut of some sort? I dunno. Its like if your on a rollar coaster and about to lose your cookies, screaming at the top of your lungs to "STOP OR I'M GONNA THROW UP" doesn't matter to them, or at least the ride doesn't stop just to let you get off. I feel like I am going through the motions of everything but not really feeling anything or letting anything effect me. Maybe I'm just distaincing myself from myself and my life.hmmmmm....

DH has moved back in. things are going ......ummmm..........ok, I guess. Not good, not bad. I really am devoting my all to trying to help the situation. He's trying too, although I think he's more "doing things"(helping me around the house more, picked me flowers yesterday,etc) instead of doing any sort of internal self work, if that makes sense.

My cousin, the one whose life is such a mess stayed here for a couple of days. She has officially left her deadbeat boy toy, much to my delight. I am certain she can't make any kind of self improvement with him in her corner. She's really starting to act like a mother to be which is a relief to me. I was really worried prior to the past few days, mostly for the unborn baby. Now, she's looking for an apartment, rather than staying with random people here and there, counting on others to help her out. She's gotten herself a job, not a great job but a job. I'm proud of her. She's finally realized how big of a deal being a single mother is going to be, and she's owning up!

Gardening has been horrendous. I'm finding it really hard to keep up with pulling the weeds and keeping the grass down. And the heat,ugggh. Over 100 today with a heat advisory thorugh tomorrow night. I don't think the air has kicked off all day here at home(i'm "working" from here today). the electric bill is gonna kick my butt!!

Due to a few sorta unexpected big bills, I think dh has decided he's gonna cash in his life insurance. I think its stupid but am trying to not pick a fight, afterall it is his policy. even if cashing it in means only getting half or so of what he's paid in the last 10 yrs. With things the way they are right now, I'm just kinda trying to pick my battles. Seeing Kate on tv last night made me see the kind of wife I don't want to be. I am NOT a victim. I don't want to be seen as a victim.

We went out with friends on their boat this last Saturday in celebration(if you will) of our 9th wedding anniversary. It was strange, I didn't think we'd be spending the day together but said friends kind of set this up for us, trying to get us back together or whatever. I know people mean well but I'm not a big fan of the butting in. Spending time with him, with them there as well, on the boat was good. It was comfortable, not strange feeling like it would have been if we spent the day apart, or together alone.

DH has been talking a lot about future plans. This bothers me for 2 reasons. first, I'm not as certain as he seems to be about our future plans and second, I'm a much better rein taker than he. Maybe this is part of his transformation, he's trying to be more open, which i appreciate but I'm not sure how I feel about him planning trips for us,etc. And he's talked about doing some of the remodeling I had mentioned before(you know before it all went south). I'm not sure where our marriage is at, nor where it will be at in the times to come so I'm not really on board with spending money on a home that we currently share. maybe i should just jump in with both feet, give in but this feels safer to me. I have low expectations, that way just in case, I won't get hurt again.

Since the m/c, I have made huge strides in many ways. Most days I'm ok with the changes life has brought my way in terms of my plans and the actuality of infertility. But once in a while, for seemingly no reason, I seem to fall into a deep depression. I grieve for the loss, I grieve for the acceptance I can't seem to find, I grieve over the realization and I want peace. I want it so desperately. Normally, these episodes seem to pass quickly, only lasting maybe one night of sobbing. But boy does it suck when it hits.

Off to start dinner. I think we're having orange glazed baked chicken and rice and baked potatoes that dh dug up this morning before heading to work. I may make something for dessert, i've got a sweet tooth today.

update on the garden

Its been a long while since I've really mentioned my gardening. For anyone not interested in the whole gardening thing(or hearing me gloat), you should probally pass this one up as I feel like dedicating these few minutes intirely to bragging on my garden.

I think normal people spend time outside sitting on their deck, resting, perhaps? I've always been a busy bee and not much of a watcher, but rather a do-er. I can't believe that this is the first year I've given gardening a try. I freaking love it, even the de-weeding. Granted, theres not a whole lot going on out there right now but by next spring and summer, it should be wonderful. To date, off the top of my head since early this spring I have planted:many tulip bulbs, hyacinths, naked ladies,daffodils,2 burning bushes(one of which accidently got mowed over), a lilac bush(which doesn't seem to be doing overly well), a hydrangea which is in its prime and beautiful. Also planted, garden mums,butterfly weed, dianthus, delphinium, shasta daisy, autumn joy sedums, geraniums, hostas, 2 generic rose bushes, only one of which I think has the possibility of surviving, and a double knock out rose which is doing wonderfully. Not to be forgotten, more recently, bachelor buttons, morning glorys,coxy comb, and marigolds. I purchased 2 hanging baskets 1-wax begonia and the others name escaping me at the moment. Other annuals as well including coleus,dusty miller,impatiens(both new guinea and standards)petunias and pansys(altho the pansys are all but dead despite my constant attention paying),pink salvia,mums, red eyed verbena and zinnia(both at the top of my list so far for taking care of themselves nicely), vinca...I am certain there must be more but its escaping me at the moment. OH! The daylilies which I planted early this spring, they have gotten massive and appear they will bloom later this summer. And we finally got the ground in front tilled up and planted probally 20 packets of seeds, everything from ground cover to widlflower mix to huge sunflower seeds. We'll see what happens. I've already gotten some bulbs to plant for the fall, and am going to try to get a start off of FILs old fashioned rose bush to plant on the outside front of the house between the office window and the bedroom window on the east side.

You know what I've gotten from all of this? A wonderful sense of achievement. Its amazing what having a true hobby has given to me. Its something I look forward to, coming home, taking care of all of the plants and flowers. Maybe its fulfilling a motherly 'need to nurture' sense within me. I don't know. I just love pulling up the house, seeing how awesome it looks on the outside. Other than the planting and tending, I've also undergone huge landscaping projects. Sometimes I think maybe I've bitten off more than I can chew, mostly with the heavy lifting but thats what men are for, right? We have the rock garden out back, I've got stepping stones going from the back steps to back there with a nice little patio set and some torches. I guess my biggest problem is I'd rather do something than actually go back there and set and relax. We've still got the stone walkway to finish up in front but for that I need more weed barrier and sand. I'm quite ready to get that done, I'm tired of the eye sore.

So, what do I do in my spare time? Well I help DH and FIL in the veg. garden. We've been getting all of the lettuce, radishes and onions we can stand to eat and share. As of today, zucchini. Within the next week, cucumbers and very soon, a good crop of tomatoes(over 2000 plants-yes 3 zeros). DH brought me some potatoes he dug today. I freaking love fresh from the garden goodies. It simply can't be beaten! Last week, on my day off I helped my mom "work up" 8 gallons of strawberrys. Tomorrow(my day off again), I'm helping her make blackberry jam and strawberry perserves. YUMMMMMMMMMM

And now, well I'm tired. Hope I didn't bore my small audience too badly. nitey nite

The greatest love of my life...

maybe not the greatest but definately something very important to me and something I have a deep rooted affection for. My DH? My nephew? Friends? My car? My home? Nope.

FOOD. I freaking love good food. It makes me feel happy(and sometimes I'm convinced sad). At one point during the ttc bit, I was certain that if I lost weight, I'd fall pg right away. While losing weight did regulate my cycles to something resembling normal, I didn't get pg. Slowly, I packed the weight back on. I don't take full responsibility for it, claiming that a new job pretty much restricted my exercise(partly true but the new job didn't force the big macs and sweet tea down my throat). So 65 pounds lost, 60 or so gained back. Yeah, its depressing. However, you really have to fully commit to the idea of a lifestyle change in order to make the diet/exercise thing work. I simply can't. I'm trying to watch what I eat, but right now, I just don't care. I def. don't want to gain anymore! Ahh,this is just getting depressing SO I'm gonna talk about the good part, the foods I love!

Tonight we had family dinner night, my turn and since I had to work till 4, it was one of those 'throw something simple and fast together' types of dinners. It turned out great. We had bbq chicken, baked beans, corn casserole, potatoe salad, and homemade slaw followed by a very yummy cake my mom makes. Last night, we had steak, baked potatoes and WILTED LETTUCE. OMG, LOVE wilted lettuce! Can't thank the person who came up with that one enough!

I simply can't wait till the cucumbers, new potatoes, tomatoes, onions and all the other goodies my FIL grows in his massive garden to come up. I'm craving the hot summer days that you go out to pick dinner. Last year, he planted over 2000(thats right THOUSAND) tomatoe plants. Sadly, last yrs garden didn't do as wonderful as previous yrs, both because of the season temps and conditions and because of FILs stroke and our inability to keep up with helping in the garden like we would have liked to.

DH had mentioned today that if it can get warm and stay there for a few days, we'll be able to go out mushroom hunting soon. Only once a year do the morals come up, and boy is it a yummy time of the year.

While I'm on the topic of food, I've agreed to host this years easter dinner so in my planning, so far I'm making this yummy jello and strawberry salad, dh will smoke the ham, and then the usuals, green bean casserole,deviled eggs, etc. I'll probally only do 3 sides and leave the rest up to mom and SIL. I'm sure as usual there will be tons of leftovers. I'm not a big fan of leftovers so I usually divide it up between everyone sending it home with them, lol. Once I've ate it, I have no desire to eat it again immediatly.

I guess its obvious that any one who could write such a long blog about food, is pretty in to it, LOL. Off for a bowl of ice cream now haha