how funny...

I just re-read my last post. How funny that I have problems opening up to a therapist but can freely post online with no problems or fear of being judged. I'm certain it must be for the most part that its just simply to not give a crap about what people whom will most likely never meet me IRL will think of me. But I suspect there may be more to it than just that alone. I'll have to give it some thought.

I have tons of new news I could post, lots going on but time as usual just doesn't permit so this too shall be a short catch up blog.

Things with DH are still somewhat shakey. I find myself almost fantasizing what my life would be like it we would have never married. Now mind you, he IS a good dh-or at least I want to believe that but something has been lacking, obviously. Some sort of need must not be getting met. Its not like I just wonder what my life would be like, its more like a yearning to be single. He came and rescued me at a time in my life that I believed I wanted to be rescued, when really, I needed to find myself, rather than try to mold myself into some sort of trophy wife. And I believe due to that, due to the desperate attempts on my behalf to be the "right" type of wife, well I got even further and further from sorting my true self out. I lost contact with most of my friends-they were still wild and crazy. I was a married women....who forced myself to grow up too soon. And then theres the whole other side to the story, the part of me that loves him so desperately, that I feel I can't life without him. Almost like an addiction. In any event, I am certain that one way or another, things will be ok. It has to be. To an extent, its quite out of my control, and I like that, letting go of the control. Things not being my fault, but rather fate.

In other news, I've been working very hard on all aspects of my life, both physically and emotionally. I feel wonderful. content. I'm finally doing some things to control my sugar levels, even if its just small things like cutting wayyyyy back on the sweet tea,etc. My bp had been giving me trouble as well so I've been trying to keep that in check as well and feeling pro active in trying to take care of myself once again. Granted, I haven't lost any real weight to speak of, but weight doesn't neccasiarly point to health. Eating healthy is more important than a number on a scale, right? The emotional stuff, well its just old baggage that a less mature me just couldn't work through. I didn't know how, so I sorta stuck it away. Its strange when you begin really reminiscing about the past, the things that surface. Its almost like living it again sometimes, it feels that fresh and new. I still have zero desire to patch things up with my dad, I just don't want him in my life at this point but I've been wanting to call him and talk to him, and tell him I forgive him. I believe I used to feel as if he were an alchoholic by choice. More recently, I have tried to not judge him so harshly, partly due to my memories from young childhood. Memories of being daddys girl, good times. It had been so easy to throw those older, good memories away in favor for the more recent, more hurtful bad memories. I don't believe he really changed, I believe he fell victim to a terrible disease that had more control over him than he had control over it, and that changed who he was. In looking at it in that aspect, I can forgive him. I would want him to know if something were to happen to him, I'd want him to die knowing that I still remember the good old days, and that I forgive him for the bad days.

Looking at the time, I've gotta get in bed. I've got a very early appt with the vet tomorrow to get truckers pred. shot, followed by a 12 hr work day, followed by needed to de-weed the garden and some yard work, time permitting. Re: Trucker--Poor babys allergies are driving him insane. He scratches and chews on himself so much, he's getting a few tiny bald spots and red splotches. I know he's mierable. The vet has suggested in the past that its part food allergy related and partiallly grass related since it worsens so much this time of year. I'm not a fan of the whole steroid thing-but I can't watch him and not do anything knowing he's in pain, not if theres anything in my power I can do to relieve it.

I may not know what i want

....at least not all of the time. but. i know what i want part of the time. and i know who i am and what i stand for all of the time. i guess that has to be enough...most of the time.

I have been insanely busy with work,gardening and graduation partys and ceramonys. All in all, life is good right now. if i had the time and energy right now, i'd do a well written blog about everything going on, truckers latest antics,gardening, my most recent issues with higher than norm BP and my latest blood sugar problems(i'm writing this out for myself in case your wondering so that i'll remember in upcoming blogs to write about these poi's)

dh and i are going to therapy later this week. i so dont want to tell our problems to a stranger. i would feel so....judged

more to come...soon i hope

FINALLY!! A breakthrough

So DH called me at work today wanting to know if he could come over tonight and talk. I of course agreed. It went really really well, I'm happy to say. He basically wanted to know where we go from here,phew, I'm glad I wasn't the only one wondering. I was as honest as I could be considering the state of mind I've been in, and as confused about it all as I have been. I told him I missed him but that things have got to change or it will never work. He agreed. At a friends advice, I told him what I needed and wanted and then done something I'm not sure I've ever thought to do before(more about this in a sec)---I asked him what he wanted and needed. Wow-I know your thinking how could she be so cold hearted to not even ask her dh what he needs or wants. Well to those of you, all I can tell you is that its very easy when your S.O is as passive as mine. When you know the answer is gonna be a shrug or a 'I dunno-whatever you want'(in a tone as if you'd just asked what we should have for dinner), well its quite easy to just not ask. I get tired of asking questions that I know what the answer will be before the question leaves my mouth so I have just learned over the years to quit wasting my breath. The point to asking even if you know the answer is so that the other person feels they have some sort of say, its to be considerate. Even if the answer is 'I dunno' or some other blow off, its in the ASKING that is powerful. See, I've pretty much tried to take control of the relationship, its just easier that way since I'm agressive and dh is quite passive. At least I can admit this and take the blame for it. DH also admitted tho that he let me take the reins, he allowed it. Maybe its some form of cop out, laziness,whatever.

In any event, dh openly shared a lot of the responsibility of problems. One of the big ones is our nearly non existant sex life. I had actually pretty much laid all the blame on myself for that one. Since starting celexa, plus weight gain, plus 2 jobs, stress, well I just didn't care one way or another weather it happened. Actually I did have a preferance, I perferred it didn't happen. Thats probally the worst kind of rejection a man can face. DH summed it up to himself that it was because he was unable to find a job, that I was disappointed in him, angry with him, he thought I thought he was a loser, so he quit trying to get any. I of course took a bit of offense to this, sure it had to have been because I'm so disgustingly fat and ugly(I do feel this way actually a lot of the time). So he was basically confirming what I was thinking/feeling about myself.

Its amazing how comfortable you can get in a marriage. You feel so safe and comfortable that you both can be dealing with the exact same thing and pushing one another away rather than holding on to one another when its needed the most. Similiarly, many things, I never asked dh how he felt, I probally told him how I felt and he tried to do the best to feel the same as me. Not that he's week, he's just not a boat rocker.

One big thing he brought up was the m/c, and how I pushed him away afterwards. I shocked myself by what came out of my mouth. I accused him of not caring, of not being saddened by it. Afterall I never saw not a single tear from him. And, he was at that point "over" ttc. He had come to terms with the fact that we wouldn't have any children. I believe I had thought I had, but I'm not sure you ever can fully come to terms with it, or at least I never got there like he did. It BLEW WE AWAY that I said this-I didn't even know I felt that. I never really expected to see any emotion from him over the m/c but still it hurt that I didn't. You know in looking back, it was one of the hardest things I'd ever been through, and I could have really used him during that time, its still hard a lot of the time. Yet. I pushed him away. again.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about all of it, the pushing him away, and differnt things and I can see a pattern starting from my childhood. Odd little habits that I've carried with me throughout life. I'm not saying I had a shit childhood but it could have been better. I went from being daddys little girl at one point to the place I'm at with my father now-we've barely spoken over the past several years. In highschool, I CRAVED attention from boys(i believed attention was love). If that meant the entire school believed me to be the biggest slut in school, well at least I stood out from the rest of the girls.


Eeeeks, here I am on a roll and my batterys almost done. I'll try to recharge and finish this after the storm. I would like to end this post by saying things arn't fixed between dh and I, but at least we're getting somewhere. I think with lots more open communication, (and a good therapist wouldn't hurt either I'm sure) that maybe, just maybe we can be happy again. He's not moving back in just yet, we both agreed that would just make things harder for the both of us right now but we are going to dinner tomorrow night- HE MADE THE PLANS-can you believe it??LOL....Who is this man who hasn't made reservations anywhere for at least 5 yrs?!

I miss him so much...

I *SO* want to call him and beg him home. I feel so weak. On the one hand I want him to come home so why fight it but on the other hand I realize it will just go right back to where it was and we weren't happy so why continue with that?

Damn, here I thought I was this strong chick. Totally independent.... I'm nothing.

And so it goes...

DH and I had dinner last night. It went ok. We still haven't really touched on the subject of whats next(perhaps tap danced around). The truth is that he seems happy. How selfish am I to hope that he'll be miserable without me? But when I reallllllllllly think about it, I realize I haven't been any sort of fun to live with for the most part-since oh.....a couple of years ago now. I just hope that I haven't permently ruined things between us. I don't think I'm completely responsible but I do feel at least mostly responsible for not taking care of our marriage. For letting it be when it needed work the most and for pushing him away when I needed him. I want him back but I'm trying to get to the root of it, WHY I want him back. Is it because I'm crushed that after nearly 9 yrs of marriage, I want to make it work if at all possible-even if making it work is never going to happen? I know I've changed over the years-especially due in part to ttc. Has that change in me made it impossible for him to love me? Do I just want him back because I miss his presence even if I don't miss him-afterall the bed seems empty. No one wants to think about 'what if it doesn't work out' on their wedding day-they just want to believe it WILL work-or at least I did.

He asked if he could have trucker for a couple of days. I of course agreed(trucker has been missing him almost as much as me). He asked about the house, if there was anything he needed to come and do. As much as I want to beg him back, I'm not going to make up things to have him come do. Maybe by asking if theres anything I need for him to do, he's asking if I want him back....Maybe... Which ever way he said he was gonna come by and mow the lawn one day this week-I refused. He's not living here, why should he have to mow?? We both finally agreed he'd wait till my day off and come help me mow-with 2 people and 2 riders its still a 4 hour job--we have a huge yard.

I've been working on lots of outside projects around the house, gardening,etc. trying to keep my mind busy but really more than anything being outside gives me a good chance to get lots of good deep thinking done. I've been doing lots of reflection on my marriage, my inner being, my past and am hoping that it will lead me to an idea of what I truely want for the future.

I'm pretty sure we're in for a big storm again tonight so I had better get out to the car and roll my windows up before it starts.

Happy 'I'm not a mother' day...

And boy do I feel it today. My nephew got me an aunt happy mothers day card. While the sentiment was nice, it stung a bit. All in all, I'm doing well since the m/c but that coupled with the recent status of my marriage plus normal stresses, well it may have been sunny outside today but I felt cloudy and rainy all day. Its strange, I don't desperatly desire to be a mother anymore. I just feel...defeated. Maybe I'm a sore loser--

In any event, tonight was family dinner night. I asked dh to come and he did. Somehow I felt I needed that. In the last week, SIL has called twice to "check on me". The truth is she's trying to make me feel better by trying to side(?) with me. She runs dh down, saying things like "you were always too good for him", and other non helpful-make me want to slap the crap out of her comments about dh. I know she somehow thinks this is what I want to hear. Well, she's dead wrong. I KNOW HIM thanksverymuch. I LOVE HIM thanksverymuch. I kinda see it like this, she's your typical female, wanting to form some kind of sick bond while telling me how much better I can do than my dh. DRAMA,ugghhh. So I was very happy that he agreed to come tonight, I felt I needed him here, to protect me(or maybe to protect her from me). Strange how 2 faced she was, all nicey nice to him.

After everyone left, dh went out to his truck and brought me some flowers in. Its a mixed spring bouquet, very pretty. He explained how he wanted to get them for me since its mothers day(I'm not sure if this refers to the m/c or to trucker or both) but he wanted to do it in private. He made sure to tell me the flowers weren't a 'i'm sorry, i want you back' thing. Definately not that-more of a mothers day gift and thats it(he conveyed this in a round about not so many words kind of way). It was so strange, trying to talk to him, trying to make small talk. We're soooo NOT those type of people-at least not with one another.

I wanted to beg him back, to crawl on my hands and knees, to tell him I could change. To tell him we were made to be with each other forever. Part of me knows that I would be lying or at least unsure if I said all of that so I said nothing. I did say that I missed him. He answered with "me too". I don't know if I miss him so much because my routine is off, he's not here at night or if I miss the idea of living the rest of my life as I wished for so many years. I don't want to beg him back if 1) he doesn't want to be begged back and 2) its out of lonliness. I've got to get figured out what I want before I can go after it. And I've got to get in the right frame of mind to accept the fact that I've been a pretty miserable wife, and he may not want me back. Which leads to a whole 'nother can of worms....... My struggle with men and relationships since childhood-thanks dad. Won't get into that tonight tho-time for bed.

All the mothers get it over and over today so I want to wish all the non-mothers a happy day,even if I am posting this at the end of the day....happy day tomorrow,lol

dh moved out today...

he said he was tired of feeling like he wasn't wanted anymore and tired of me pushing him away. i can't believe this, i feel numb.


numb and unlovable.

smoke coming up from the ground...

Thats what I witnessed this afternoon after a flipping of the main breaker to get the electiricity back on. Come to find out, a rock in the ground had damaged the line that runs from the pole to the garage next to our house. Its been an ongoing thing as I've flipped that breaker 3 times in the last 3 days. Bang! than black smoke pouring out of the ground-talk about things you don't see very often! Our deep freeze is kept out in the garage. And EVERYTHING(steaks and all) had gone bad at this point. So DH and I have been out cleaning out the deep freeze, throwing away everything from chicken breasts to steaks. Talk about a disgusting mess!

Other than that, We've been working on our walkway out front. So far hole is dug, 300 lbs of sand and 4 stones have been laid. Yeah, we're a ways from being completed on this project that like most projects has turned out to be a bigger one than we thought originally. But isn't that life? We need approximately 1000 more pounds of sand and then we'll be set.

Off to shower and finally get some dinner started.

marital stress

So, DH and I have been trying really hard to keep the communication lines open and work on all our problems in the hope of fixing things. I really feel at this point that its just pointless. Its strange, we talk about which of us will leave if it comes to that. I just never thought if it ever came down to this that we would both feel at peace but I think deep deep down, he's as fine with it as I am. I'm not saying I want a divorce or am ok with that idea, but I'm to the point where I think we both would be happier right now with a seperation. I almost feel like I've known this was coming. I'm not in shock or denial, just...mellow. I kind of feel like a weight was been lifted from my shoulders. He's basically passed the ball back to me saying all I have to do is ask and he'll move out "for a while". In a way, I think I'll never be able to ask him of that, like I'd be too afraid of hurting him. I do love him...I don't think either of us are in love anymore.

One of the biggest problems is the lack of communication on his part all these years. I've tried to accept it, just love him and go on but I think over the years its taken a serious toll on me. I've begged many of nights for him to open up to me but its never done any good. He's a closed book, unable to let me in...and it kills me. Throughout all of this, the only thing he says is he misses the old me-well yeah, join the club. I miss the old me too. I will never be the same, mostly due to ttc I believe. It always felt like I was on the journey alone. Even tho we were dealing with both male and female factor IF, it always felt like I was letting him down which was even harder than feeling like I let myself down. Why I felt like that I had no idea because in retrospect, he never seemed to mind too much. I guess the failure of all those years ttc, well I guess I hurt enough for both of us. I'm sure I cried enough tears for the both of us. I don't remember him ever once shedding a single tear. And I'm sure theres some resentment in that aspect. I think he was ready to give up ttc years before me but was just along for the ride so to speak. And I was so wound up in the struggle myself that I didn't see the signs, and of course as usual, he didn't actually tell me he wanted to give up, he never told me anything.

Yeah....I'm sure the resentment is obvious now.


I'm just almost certain that he can't be changed, that he doesn't have a desire to. And I'm just not sure I cna continue giving my all to a relationship when its a one way street. Don't get me wrong, he loves me, he's a fantastic man in more ways than not but maybe the things that seem little, after 9 yrs are beginning to turn into big things. I certainly hope this doesn't come off as a bashing post....oh who am I kidding, its my blog and I don't care what I sound like. Afterall I do it for the therapy.

I never really understood people splitting after so many years together claiming that they grew apart. Now, I almost can't see how 2 people could be together for so long and not grow apart. Its been an "AH_HA' moment in my life for sure. People grow, people change. Not just one person, but both people in a relationship grow and change. And if they are really lucky, its growth and change in the same direction, and if the are adverage everyday normal people, one of them grows and changes at a differnt rate than the other, driving a gap between the path that they once walked together. I really do believe that now.

I never thought this day would come. Ever. It was supposed to be forever. Whats stranger, it doesn't feel bad. I don't want my marraige to end but if I'm being completely honest with myself, I have a gut feeling that may be where things are going. And the fact that I'm eerily at peace with that, well.....its just odd. I guess I thought that if it ever ended, it would be him wanting to leave me and I'd be as in love as the day I said I do and it would tear my heart out. So to feel pretty much ok with the direction things are going, well its just odd. I wish he could tell me for a change what he feels. The truth is I'm not sure he's able to feel. And that is sad.

Eating rainbows and shitting butterflies..

Not yet, but I'm workin on it.

whoever made up that bit about april showers bring may flowers is full of it-and obviously NOT from Misery(missouri). Here, April showers bring may showers. damn rain! i shouldn't complain, we've been free of the usual threats of severe weather for the most part.

something to look forward to, a day off next week and a mini shopping trip,lunch and the movie ghosts of girlfriends past with a friend. its been years since i've been to the movies. i think the last thing i saw on the big screen was wild hogs-a kinda funny motorcycle movie with tim taylor(cant think of his real name-from tool time), john travolta and some other funny guys.

no news on the latest interview for dh...*chews nails while rolling eyes*

trucker is so cool, he learned after being told twice not to go into the garden, now he's helping me keep the cats out of it. if we go out on the porch and they are in it(they think its their litter box,grrr), he barks at them and chases them out, LOL. Good dog. wish cats were as smart-don't get me wrong i love cats too but they don't seem to understand repeated warnings like a dog does.

thats all folks