did something unusual today...

Or at least unusual for me. I found myself staring at a wall for at least a good hour, possibly closer to 2 even. I was so deep in thought, trying to wrap my mind about things. Recalling things from the past, pondering the here and now and guessing the future. Its funny, I remember the feeling of knowing(or at least thinking I knew) what the future would hold. But that was once upon a lifetime. I wonder when that changed- when I went from one extreme to the other, went from the control freak of "this will be my future" to the passive "I wonder what will happen".

Sure, like most women little thoughts pop in my head by the millions throughout the day, I wonder this or think about that but to really just stare at a wall, sitting in a completely quiet room, just thinking. Well its kind of amazing. Not neccassairly good amazing or bad amazing, perhaps some of both. Normally, I don't allow myself to escape like this, to take this amount of time to just think. To really think.


I wonder as many of Infertiles must wonder if I fear being a mother more than fear not being a mother. After ttc for so many years, you begin to try to force yourself into a healing mode. You tell yourself you don't want children, you tell yourself it will never happen. Really, for me anyway, I was unable to deal with the real painful stuff so I swept it under a rug in the corner of my mind. Which brings me to where I am now. I just don't know. I wonder how thats possible after all the years of ttc, after the m/c, after all thats happened. I wonder how its possible for me to *not* know what I want. Sure, I still love the idea of a child. I think I care less and less each day about weather that child is genetically linked to either dh or myself. I think about when my nephew is here. Thats when I'm the very happiest. I feel a certain pride with my nephew, even though I'm just an aunt. My heart bursts at the seams for him. I think if I can love him that much with him only being my nephew, well than I must be fit for motherhood.

One thing I thought about today that I hadn't (really)thought about for a long time and some of my readers may know this already-we had attempted to adopt an infant from a very bad situation years ago and it fell through. Thats a feeling that I don't know I could stomache to feel again. I barely even ever got to hold him yet I feel I was put in the situation to adopt him not by chance but because I was destined to be his mother. I think of how old he would be. I even see "them" including "him" now and again at local events or walmart. I avoid eye contact for fear of falling on the floor wailing loudly for my baby. DH very much believes I am or should be "over it". Considering that the baby was born addicted to many illegals, perhaps he's right and we got "lucky" by "getting out of it". Of course my feeling is more like we got robbed, they stole my child. No I didn't birth that child but the home life I could have provided for that child, the sheer love, there is no way what he's been given can compare. I feel like I was cheated in the worst way you could cheat a person.

And then theres the m/c. I'm still shocked much of the time that we got pg without medical intervention, without even trying. Talk about irony considering we were at a point of giving up, trying to live happily as a married couple without children. It was getting easier all the time, before long we didn't even have to fake being happy, we just were. And then bam! Our lives were turned right side up(as opposed to upside down) when I saw that BFP. I'd never gotten a bfp. We were over the moon redicously happy. Thinking of it still brings a smile to my face. I want to remember that feeling so much more than the feeling of dread I had when I discovered the blood, or even worse when it was confirmed.

My bday is coming up in oh about 10 days or so. I am in a much better place in many ways then I was a few years ago. I still think I've been dealt a bad hand but I question if I stay in the game if I'll ever get a good hand or not. So I guess the question is is it worth it? Wish I knew the answer, but as is everything in life, the answer is not yet clear. I do know this, we can't wait much longer. Come the 26th of Oct, I will celebrate my 28th bday, dh his 37th. Neither of us will want to become parents much past either of these ages. In fact, at one point dh said absolutely not after turning 35(for him). Its funny how we can change our minds on that easily when trying to fill your hearts desire.

long time no blog

for a whole lotta differnt reasons. Its not that I don't have anything to say, I've always got plenty going on and plenty to say. Just nothing too exciting. Life for the most part is good right now...or at least ok. sometimes thats as good as it can get, right?

Lets see, my relationship with dh seems to be improving everyday. I remember why I fell in love with him again. We've been tackling projects around the house big time and we've been enjoying it. Not that its fun stuff, but we're enjoying the time we are spending together. We haven't been able to turn the not so fun tasks into fun by being together in quite some time. I almost forgot that doing nothing much or tackling a big project together could be so much fun. He's more considerate and does little things daily that melt my heart. Things like coming up behind me while I'm doing the dishes at the sink and putting his arms around me, telling me he'll take over and to go sit down and relax. Thats my REAL idea of romance. Thats love, IMO. I know we've still got a ways to go-my biggest fear is that we'll get lazy again, quit doing for each other, quit caring and it will all fall apart once again.

To get on with it: the projects, we're heading to Tn on vacation to see friends in a couple weeks time. I've got a list that seems to be a mile long of things that MUST get done before we leave. If these things(or at least the majority of them) don't get done, we'll postpone the trip, bad as I hate to because coming straight back from vacation, we'll have family here from FL. I always do some kind of dinner or something while they are here but this year, I want more. With the deck nearly completed(its been done as far as the building goes for over a month now), I couldn't think of anything better than a deck party while they are here. So, we ordered the redwood sealer that we really liked after my extensive over analyzing research on which deck sealer is the best for hardwoods(really I probally spent a good 20 hours reading up on all of it online,rediculous I know). So, we ordered it over 2 weeks ago and have been impatiently awaiting its arrival. Finally, it came. Yesterday and part of the evening before were spent power washing the deck and house. I was amazed at how dirty the deck had already gotten since we just got it finished a bit over a month ago. The wood has really dried out, started splitting quite bad in some places. So we were really ready to get started on the sealing. We got most of it done today. Now we're crossing our fingers that the rain won't mess up our beautiful work-theres a chance tomorrow. Its much darker than we originally anticipated but a beautiful, beautiful redwood color, reminds me a LOT of cedar, which I love. Tomorrow evening after work, we'll finish the 10% or so left of the sealing and then it will be on to power washing and begin sealing the front deck-which is much much smaller and shouldn't be near the project.

Other than the deck, we've got to get the garden back under control. We have to. Theres no way I can let my rich relatives see weeds and grass in my gardens, lol. I've been so pre occupied in things that can't wait that the garden has been left to fend for itself. Only the strong plants survive around here. I've got a knockout rose that is constantly blooming and does good taking care of itself. If it gets really dry, I try to give it a drink. I've got some coleus that nearly drowned from the friday before labor day when we picked up 5 inches of rain in a matter of a few hours. My cockscomb is BEAUTIFUL! I will definately dry a head or two and save some seed to replant this next year, its soooo pretty(and carefree). Oh, the morning glories and moon flowers also do wonderfully when left alone, the morning glorys actually stay bloomed out until late evening now. All the planting I done early this spring has made for a very tired gardener who works one FT job, one PT job and donates about 10 hours a week at the animal shelter. Not that I'm complaining. I love my life most of the time. Its just hard to fit everything in!

I also MUST MUST MUST get this house into shape before we leave for TN. I want to get the walls all washed which is a huge project what with moving all the furniture and all. I would love to have the kitchen painted by the time the FL folks come up here but am trying to not overwelm myself and put more on my plate than is possible. There are other little things I want done before we leave to. Guess we'll see how things pan out!

Re: the deck party. We're having a guy we know smoke brisket and ribs. And we'll have the traditional picnic-y sides. You know, potato salad, baked beans, and such. A friend of mine does mobile d.j ing and has offered her services as a very good rate so depending on how things go, I may have her play. I'm planning on inviting both sides of the family, and tons of friends. Expecting over 100 people probally. I know, I should be shot! LOL! But, my mom will help me. Nothing like coming home from vacation and throwing yourself deep into work, huh? But its not like I don't want to do it. Because I do, I think it will be fun. Which reminds me, if the weathers bad the party will have to be moved to the garage outside which is another HUGE project getting that all in order, just in case.*sigh*

Oh! I almost forgot to mention the other reason for not keeping up with blogging, or at least the reason for the last week. I have been computer-less, until today. DH was online on the toshiba last week and it just died. I fully expected for the puter dr to fix it, but it was time to lay her to rest. We haven't buried her yet,lol, maybe we should have her cremated! Anywho, as of today, I am the proud owner of a refurbed gatway. So far, so good.

phew! better get to making the rest of my online rounds, gotta get up early tomorrow.yipee

walking down memory lane...

You ever have mini flashbacks? At my cousins wedding this last weekend, I did the unthinkable-I cried. That is so *NOT ME*, or at least it didn't used to be me. I was crying for her, worried she's making a mistake, I was crying for me, worried I made a mistake 9 yrs ago by vowing my life to the man I loved(love?)... I can remember thinking seconds before walking down the isle that there is always an out in marraige if it "doesn't work out". That can't be a good sign. Then again, maybe thats something lots of brides feel but won't say. Maybe its a sign of cold feet? Maybe its just the realist in me, knowing the hell my mother went thorugh for years with my father in a love less marriage, and knowing that after all those years, she finally got out. So maybe it was my way of being rational, telling myself that if we couldn't make it work, I could always divorce him... In any event...

The mini flashbacks don't stop there. I remembered the first boy I told I loved the other day while cleaning out emotional cobwebs. I hadn't thought of that for many years. I wonder why its resurfaced now? It broke my heart that he didn't tell me back. At least not right then. He looked scared, like a deer caught in the headlights of a car bearing down on him. We broke up not long after that. I didn't love him, I was too young at that age to know what true love was. Maybe I'm still too young and/or immature to know what true love is. Afterall, where would I have ever witnessed that firsthand? Certainly not by watching my parents marraige.

They knew how to put on a happy face, my mom and dad. People were shocked at the allegations my mom made after she packed up and left him. I'm certain most people didn't believe a word she said, some still probally don't believe her-especially about the abuse. I reconnected a while back with a childhood friend who insists my father was not a drunk. She never saw my dad be anything but nice. How should I respond to such a thing,really? You spend so many years hiding the facts, pretending your part of a happy family that even now I feel my BP and heart rate rise when I talk out loud about my relationship with my father, or about my parents relationship with one another. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, so I down play it, at least out loud in the presence of others. Somehow I must have been made to feel as if I were to blame because to this day there is a shamefull feeling about my fathers actions/his drinking/the seperation/the divorce.

I remember when I first saw my dad after mom and me left. He cried. I had never seen him cry, not even when my baby brother passed away years earlier. He begged me to talk mom into coming back to him, he said that if I insisted on coming back home, he knew she would too. He was right. We had left before and I missed home, we were gone for part of a summer and then went back. Things had gotten better for a time, but it didn't last. Slowly, things got worse and worse. I do remember feeling pressured, like I held the ability to keep the family together, even though I knew realistly, it would have only been a matter of time before someone would have gotten seriously hurt...or worse. Sometimes I think, still to this day I carry some shame, some guilt because I didn't do more to keep the family together, even if that were truely impossible. Sure I wasn't the one who tore the family apart, but I.....arrrgggh

theres more so much more. It seems like I'm uncovering more everyday. Its not all bad, or at least on the surface doesn't seem bad(I remember back roading with my dad a lot when I was young-they were at the time good memories-now I know that drinking a case of beer in a day and driving isn't so good-especially when you've got your kid with you)--....In any event, I feel like I'm searching for something. Like I've hidden so many things in the back of my mind that its time to do an emotional clean up- sort through the memories, deal with the emotions that come with said memorys. I think my subconscious may be looking for answers.

Emotional crap aside, life is fair right now. Things have slowed down a bit from my last post. I am healthy, working desperatly to save our marriage, working hard in the garden again and we've ordered the wood to do the wrap around porch we've wanted for years. Its mostly gonna be dh and I doing it, yes in this horrid heat and humidity. This fall, we're going to Tn to visit friends. I can't wait!

Busy,Busy,Busy...

Life is spinning right now. Besides work(60ish hours a week) I'm helping my bro and SIL out this week by keeping my nephew some while his regular sitter is on vacation. Awww,right? NO! He is SOOOOO 2 yrs old! Don't get me wrong, when he's sweet, I love him to bits, I want a child so bad that my heart aches but when he's thrown himself on the floor kicking and screaming because I cut him off after one big bowl of ice cream, and I try to console him to which he hits me and tries to bite me. Yeah, if I were the praying type, thats when I'd pray a big 'ole THANK YOU to the man upstairs for the curse of IF.(I'm actually agnostic). Anywho.

My garden is going to hell. Lucky me I planted lots of drought tolerant stuff that can take some heat and dryness. The rest,well I guess it will die, like a lot of it I planted back this spring. Some nights I get home so late I don't have time to work in the garden, its already dark. Other nights, I just don't have the energy left.

Our 4th was good. We took nephew to the local fireworks display in the evening after the usual fish fry at my grandfathers. The moring of the 4th was spent at the parade. Yeah, exhausting day for me, DH, and J. The next day-yesterday I hosted family dinner night. Made 2 HUGE chicago stype pizzas from scratch. Turned out yummy. Pretty much I spent my day off cleaning and cooking.

More of the same for this week. No time to garden, letting all my hard work go to hell. Picking up nephew 3 days this week after work, one night I'll drop him off @ moms so that will be good. I love him I really do. I just hate the terrible 2s! LOL

My cousins wedding is coming up this weekend. She's a total bridezilla. REALLY. I've quit taking calls from her. I just don't have the energy to give her when in the end they will be married. I kept trying to tell her, thats all that really matters. She wants to marry him, and she's gonna. The rest really is just fluff..... I've been trying to find something to wear but keep having that "everything I own is ugly, I'm too fat" thing going on over and over. I don't have time to do any shopping(and if I did I wouldn't probally waste money on a dress that more than likely would never be worn again).sigh

DH and I have marriage counselling Wednesday. Things with us have been good the last couple of days. He's making an effort and I'm appreciative. He cashed in his life insurance-I didn't stop him but wasn't pleased. He keeps saying we're gonna get away this fall, maybe to TN to see some friends we miss dearly. At first I thought this was his way of running from our problems, but really I think it would be good for us. I'm for it, I could use a few days of un planned fun. I don't know if I remember how to relax! LOL

Gotta get T in the tub-TMI: He apparently rolled in something today and sticks like a pig! there's no way he's sleeping in my bed smelling like that!(BTW, T is the dog, not DH-LMAO)...

Oye-my thoughts are everywhere. No wonder I'm having trouble sleeping, my mind is racing.

when to take care of myself...

Not sure if I've mentioned it here or not but I've got a 19 y/o cousin who is pg. She has been shunned from the family pretty much over the past couple of years due to her problems with drugs,alchohol, men, run ins with the law,etc. Through it all, I've tried (and succeeded a lot of the time) in helping her resolve her various and sometimes self induced problems.

Now call me jealous or whatever but I simply can't help her with this. I tried, I really did but I can't listen to her ramble on and on about how lousy her boyfriend is(he is). Or about how she doesn't want to get fat,etc. A couple of days ago, she called 3 times within a matter of 5 minutes. I just didn't feel able to help her out of her current jam, and being stressed with my own problems at home and with work, I didn't answer. Not once of the 3 times. I finally returned her calls to find out what was new, telling her right away that I'd have to keep it short since I was still at work. The reason for her calls was to complain to me about how her BF won't help her with anything around the house when afterall she's"the one who has to carry the baby". I felt my face getting red and I swear my BP must have went through the roof. I found myself getting madder and madder with each word she uttered. Finally, I just cut her off and flat out told her I have my own freaking life that I need to focus on rather than listen to her constant nonstop blubbering about the latest crap she's gotten herself into. And I hung up, just like that.

This is where I'd like to point out that the excuse of "i'm the one who has to carry the baby-not him" is the stupidest thing i've ever heard in my life. Ummm, yeah you have to carry the baby, you've got the equipment. I hate to point out the obvious but what an ignorant thing to say- like he has the ability to carry the baby?!? Ummm, no.

The strange thing of all of this for me is I feel no remorse, none whatsoever. we've always been more like sisters than cousins. Me playing the role of the older more stable sister willing to do anything I can to help her clean up her life,etc. I gave and gave and gave and she...well, she took. And you know what? I'm tired. And I refuse to listen to her rants about how she "has to carry this baby". Well you poor little ungrateful bitch! You had unprotected sex with a loser who has admitted to cheating on you several times in the past, he has stole from you, took your car for a one week trip without asking and brought it back damaged and YOU had to keep letting him come back-against my advice. Well, you're stuck this time. I can't help, and even if I could, I'm not gonna.

To understand the "big deal" about all of this for me, to know just how incredible it is that I haven't called her to beg forgiveness, to apologize to her (for her being an ass to me), knowing what I've been through, you've got to know a bit about the past. A quick run down of the past 3 yrs with her and myself: I have bailed her out of jail twice, picked her up from bars in the middle of the night more times than I can count, "loaned"(is it called a loan if it never gets pd back) her over $2000, checked her into 2 differnt clinics and been there for her either in person or via telephone 24/7 for the last 2 and a half years. I have changed plans, came back from vacation for her early due to some sort of "crisis" or another,even let her live with us rent free on and off for a time. All of those times I was hoping to make a differnce, help her. Now I am able to see that she plain and simple took advantage of me. And I'm just done. Time to take care of me, she's a big girl now and has to figure it out on her own....Did I mention she knows my ttc history, she knows about the m/c, the recent trouble with dh and I? And she still has the nerve to call me and complain about her relationship with the loser BF, and being pg. Being "the one who has to carry the baby". If she would have been standing in front of me, I think I could have punched her. seriously.

I feel good. like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Life really is what you make of it, at least some of the time. I'm not holding anyones hand. Not anymore. Life is hard enough without having to try to fix someone elses broken pieces.

one other recent bit of news on the dh front, he offically moved out, taking more with him this last time than before. I'm doing ok. well, most of the time. Its strange our 9 yr anniversary is coming up the 20th of this month. Looks like we won't be doing the usual anniversary dinner. I don't know where we really stand. I mean I know we're seperated but I don't know if he intends to file for divorce or what. We're both just cooling off right now. He missed our last therapy appt that I took off of work to attend, without so much as a phonecall. That to me said he is done trying. I am of course hurt. Still hopeful that things will work out I guess. I don't want to be divorced. I'm supposed to be happily married.

FINALLY!! A breakthrough

So DH called me at work today wanting to know if he could come over tonight and talk. I of course agreed. It went really really well, I'm happy to say. He basically wanted to know where we go from here,phew, I'm glad I wasn't the only one wondering. I was as honest as I could be considering the state of mind I've been in, and as confused about it all as I have been. I told him I missed him but that things have got to change or it will never work. He agreed. At a friends advice, I told him what I needed and wanted and then done something I'm not sure I've ever thought to do before(more about this in a sec)---I asked him what he wanted and needed. Wow-I know your thinking how could she be so cold hearted to not even ask her dh what he needs or wants. Well to those of you, all I can tell you is that its very easy when your S.O is as passive as mine. When you know the answer is gonna be a shrug or a 'I dunno-whatever you want'(in a tone as if you'd just asked what we should have for dinner), well its quite easy to just not ask. I get tired of asking questions that I know what the answer will be before the question leaves my mouth so I have just learned over the years to quit wasting my breath. The point to asking even if you know the answer is so that the other person feels they have some sort of say, its to be considerate. Even if the answer is 'I dunno' or some other blow off, its in the ASKING that is powerful. See, I've pretty much tried to take control of the relationship, its just easier that way since I'm agressive and dh is quite passive. At least I can admit this and take the blame for it. DH also admitted tho that he let me take the reins, he allowed it. Maybe its some form of cop out, laziness,whatever.

In any event, dh openly shared a lot of the responsibility of problems. One of the big ones is our nearly non existant sex life. I had actually pretty much laid all the blame on myself for that one. Since starting celexa, plus weight gain, plus 2 jobs, stress, well I just didn't care one way or another weather it happened. Actually I did have a preferance, I perferred it didn't happen. Thats probally the worst kind of rejection a man can face. DH summed it up to himself that it was because he was unable to find a job, that I was disappointed in him, angry with him, he thought I thought he was a loser, so he quit trying to get any. I of course took a bit of offense to this, sure it had to have been because I'm so disgustingly fat and ugly(I do feel this way actually a lot of the time). So he was basically confirming what I was thinking/feeling about myself.

Its amazing how comfortable you can get in a marriage. You feel so safe and comfortable that you both can be dealing with the exact same thing and pushing one another away rather than holding on to one another when its needed the most. Similiarly, many things, I never asked dh how he felt, I probally told him how I felt and he tried to do the best to feel the same as me. Not that he's week, he's just not a boat rocker.

One big thing he brought up was the m/c, and how I pushed him away afterwards. I shocked myself by what came out of my mouth. I accused him of not caring, of not being saddened by it. Afterall I never saw not a single tear from him. And, he was at that point "over" ttc. He had come to terms with the fact that we wouldn't have any children. I believe I had thought I had, but I'm not sure you ever can fully come to terms with it, or at least I never got there like he did. It BLEW WE AWAY that I said this-I didn't even know I felt that. I never really expected to see any emotion from him over the m/c but still it hurt that I didn't. You know in looking back, it was one of the hardest things I'd ever been through, and I could have really used him during that time, its still hard a lot of the time. Yet. I pushed him away. again.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about all of it, the pushing him away, and differnt things and I can see a pattern starting from my childhood. Odd little habits that I've carried with me throughout life. I'm not saying I had a shit childhood but it could have been better. I went from being daddys little girl at one point to the place I'm at with my father now-we've barely spoken over the past several years. In highschool, I CRAVED attention from boys(i believed attention was love). If that meant the entire school believed me to be the biggest slut in school, well at least I stood out from the rest of the girls.


Eeeeks, here I am on a roll and my batterys almost done. I'll try to recharge and finish this after the storm. I would like to end this post by saying things arn't fixed between dh and I, but at least we're getting somewhere. I think with lots more open communication, (and a good therapist wouldn't hurt either I'm sure) that maybe, just maybe we can be happy again. He's not moving back in just yet, we both agreed that would just make things harder for the both of us right now but we are going to dinner tomorrow night- HE MADE THE PLANS-can you believe it??LOL....Who is this man who hasn't made reservations anywhere for at least 5 yrs?!

Happy 'I'm not a mother' day...

And boy do I feel it today. My nephew got me an aunt happy mothers day card. While the sentiment was nice, it stung a bit. All in all, I'm doing well since the m/c but that coupled with the recent status of my marriage plus normal stresses, well it may have been sunny outside today but I felt cloudy and rainy all day. Its strange, I don't desperatly desire to be a mother anymore. I just feel...defeated. Maybe I'm a sore loser--

In any event, tonight was family dinner night. I asked dh to come and he did. Somehow I felt I needed that. In the last week, SIL has called twice to "check on me". The truth is she's trying to make me feel better by trying to side(?) with me. She runs dh down, saying things like "you were always too good for him", and other non helpful-make me want to slap the crap out of her comments about dh. I know she somehow thinks this is what I want to hear. Well, she's dead wrong. I KNOW HIM thanksverymuch. I LOVE HIM thanksverymuch. I kinda see it like this, she's your typical female, wanting to form some kind of sick bond while telling me how much better I can do than my dh. DRAMA,ugghhh. So I was very happy that he agreed to come tonight, I felt I needed him here, to protect me(or maybe to protect her from me). Strange how 2 faced she was, all nicey nice to him.

After everyone left, dh went out to his truck and brought me some flowers in. Its a mixed spring bouquet, very pretty. He explained how he wanted to get them for me since its mothers day(I'm not sure if this refers to the m/c or to trucker or both) but he wanted to do it in private. He made sure to tell me the flowers weren't a 'i'm sorry, i want you back' thing. Definately not that-more of a mothers day gift and thats it(he conveyed this in a round about not so many words kind of way). It was so strange, trying to talk to him, trying to make small talk. We're soooo NOT those type of people-at least not with one another.

I wanted to beg him back, to crawl on my hands and knees, to tell him I could change. To tell him we were made to be with each other forever. Part of me knows that I would be lying or at least unsure if I said all of that so I said nothing. I did say that I missed him. He answered with "me too". I don't know if I miss him so much because my routine is off, he's not here at night or if I miss the idea of living the rest of my life as I wished for so many years. I don't want to beg him back if 1) he doesn't want to be begged back and 2) its out of lonliness. I've got to get figured out what I want before I can go after it. And I've got to get in the right frame of mind to accept the fact that I've been a pretty miserable wife, and he may not want me back. Which leads to a whole 'nother can of worms....... My struggle with men and relationships since childhood-thanks dad. Won't get into that tonight tho-time for bed.

All the mothers get it over and over today so I want to wish all the non-mothers a happy day,even if I am posting this at the end of the day....happy day tomorrow,lol

Ta Da...

you should be able to leave me comments once again. While screwing with settings the other day, I think I changed it under the comments tabs to "hide" thinking it would hide comments, not make it impossible to leave them. so thanks simone for bringing it to my attention.

Well, the world got the last laugh in my face. Recently, there has been a rash of pregnancy/"we're trying for _________(insert number 2-200 here)" announcements. I've been handling it really really well until today. My totally inmature cousin and her deadbeat BF who hasn't worked but about a month out of their entire relationship are pg and getting married this summer. My first reaction was disbelief. I cried on the phone to her, I think she thought I was happy for her. The truth is that she has a very good head on her shoulders, is a very hard worker...She simply is too good for him. Anyone would pick up on this within minutes of meeting them together. I'm not sure I'm bothered at all by the pregnancy(ok, maybe a tiny bit) but her marrying him....*sigh*. This must have been how my mom felt when I got married.(my mom was totally against it when dh and I tied the knot). I've always viewed her more as a little sis than a cousin. I'm just...irked.

Anywho, life goes on. I've got to finish the planning for moms bday party Wednesday night. That, gardening, and work(I got another job to replace the one I quit when dh got hired at his joke of a job) should keep me busy this next week.

Have I mneitoned how nice it is to have the windows all open? I love being able to air out the house. I love the breeze. Spring is FABULOUS!