whirlwind life, facebook,etc

Things have been so very insanely busy that I've almost forgotten how to relax. The closest thing I get to relaxing these days is farmin on facebook! And even then I find my mind wondering to the dishes or the laundry or to work that needs to be done. Its good, I mean busy is good but a day or 2 off a week is good too. Guess I'll have to settle for an afternoon or 2 off.

I got a new job since my last blog. Over a week now. I'm not sure how I feel about it just yet. Its challenging and consuming and nerve wrecking. I know it will get easier with time, once I get into my business mojo and get into the swing of it all. DH comes home from work and says "how was your day" pretty much daily and I'm still answering "uhhhh" and shruging.

Sometimes I still feel that fog, its like the beginnings of a panic attack. I can usually talk myself down from it with some deep breathing,etc but man getting overwelmed with life sucks. Dh always asks what is it?...Boy don't I wish I could tell him. Its nothing and everything all at the same time.

Anyone ever have someone added as a FB friend and then regret it? Yea, thats me. I've got 4 people who absolutely drive me up a wall with their rediculous FB chatter. Some of them blog when they burp or pee. I mean seriously, TMI...TMI that noone cares to know about. And its constant! I could care less,really. Then theres my poor poor pg cousin complaining about how big she's gotten and how they are monitoring her now weekly for lack of fetal movement and she's soooo tired of going to the dr. BLAH BLAH BLAH....My comment to her was that soon it will be over and she'll have nothing else to worry about except for labor and delivery...oh and 18 yrs of responsibilty for another human being. Yea, she cant wait to get this baby out. She has no clue. really. I have friends who have found me from HS. People who I haven't talked to for yrs who add new pics of their little ones daily. They don't care to comment on anything in my life because obviously none of it is as important as their child(ren). Yet I feel that they expect comments and ohhs and ahhs everytime a new pic goes up.....Moral of the story, really think about it before adding someone as a FB friend. I mean really really think about it. Make it what you want to make it.

Well I've jabbered on way too long and have to get up early agian tomorrow for another long day. I don't feel Ive even touched on the main topics I wanted to, LOL..Maybe time will surface and I can get a good catch up post soon for you, my tiny tiny audience who I love and adore! Altho I do wish the nameless would come forth, I like to know my aundience :)

long time no blog

for a whole lotta differnt reasons. Its not that I don't have anything to say, I've always got plenty going on and plenty to say. Just nothing too exciting. Life for the most part is good right now...or at least ok. sometimes thats as good as it can get, right?

Lets see, my relationship with dh seems to be improving everyday. I remember why I fell in love with him again. We've been tackling projects around the house big time and we've been enjoying it. Not that its fun stuff, but we're enjoying the time we are spending together. We haven't been able to turn the not so fun tasks into fun by being together in quite some time. I almost forgot that doing nothing much or tackling a big project together could be so much fun. He's more considerate and does little things daily that melt my heart. Things like coming up behind me while I'm doing the dishes at the sink and putting his arms around me, telling me he'll take over and to go sit down and relax. Thats my REAL idea of romance. Thats love, IMO. I know we've still got a ways to go-my biggest fear is that we'll get lazy again, quit doing for each other, quit caring and it will all fall apart once again.

To get on with it: the projects, we're heading to Tn on vacation to see friends in a couple weeks time. I've got a list that seems to be a mile long of things that MUST get done before we leave. If these things(or at least the majority of them) don't get done, we'll postpone the trip, bad as I hate to because coming straight back from vacation, we'll have family here from FL. I always do some kind of dinner or something while they are here but this year, I want more. With the deck nearly completed(its been done as far as the building goes for over a month now), I couldn't think of anything better than a deck party while they are here. So, we ordered the redwood sealer that we really liked after my extensive over analyzing research on which deck sealer is the best for hardwoods(really I probally spent a good 20 hours reading up on all of it online,rediculous I know). So, we ordered it over 2 weeks ago and have been impatiently awaiting its arrival. Finally, it came. Yesterday and part of the evening before were spent power washing the deck and house. I was amazed at how dirty the deck had already gotten since we just got it finished a bit over a month ago. The wood has really dried out, started splitting quite bad in some places. So we were really ready to get started on the sealing. We got most of it done today. Now we're crossing our fingers that the rain won't mess up our beautiful work-theres a chance tomorrow. Its much darker than we originally anticipated but a beautiful, beautiful redwood color, reminds me a LOT of cedar, which I love. Tomorrow evening after work, we'll finish the 10% or so left of the sealing and then it will be on to power washing and begin sealing the front deck-which is much much smaller and shouldn't be near the project.

Other than the deck, we've got to get the garden back under control. We have to. Theres no way I can let my rich relatives see weeds and grass in my gardens, lol. I've been so pre occupied in things that can't wait that the garden has been left to fend for itself. Only the strong plants survive around here. I've got a knockout rose that is constantly blooming and does good taking care of itself. If it gets really dry, I try to give it a drink. I've got some coleus that nearly drowned from the friday before labor day when we picked up 5 inches of rain in a matter of a few hours. My cockscomb is BEAUTIFUL! I will definately dry a head or two and save some seed to replant this next year, its soooo pretty(and carefree). Oh, the morning glories and moon flowers also do wonderfully when left alone, the morning glorys actually stay bloomed out until late evening now. All the planting I done early this spring has made for a very tired gardener who works one FT job, one PT job and donates about 10 hours a week at the animal shelter. Not that I'm complaining. I love my life most of the time. Its just hard to fit everything in!

I also MUST MUST MUST get this house into shape before we leave for TN. I want to get the walls all washed which is a huge project what with moving all the furniture and all. I would love to have the kitchen painted by the time the FL folks come up here but am trying to not overwelm myself and put more on my plate than is possible. There are other little things I want done before we leave to. Guess we'll see how things pan out!

Re: the deck party. We're having a guy we know smoke brisket and ribs. And we'll have the traditional picnic-y sides. You know, potato salad, baked beans, and such. A friend of mine does mobile d.j ing and has offered her services as a very good rate so depending on how things go, I may have her play. I'm planning on inviting both sides of the family, and tons of friends. Expecting over 100 people probally. I know, I should be shot! LOL! But, my mom will help me. Nothing like coming home from vacation and throwing yourself deep into work, huh? But its not like I don't want to do it. Because I do, I think it will be fun. Which reminds me, if the weathers bad the party will have to be moved to the garage outside which is another HUGE project getting that all in order, just in case.*sigh*

Oh! I almost forgot to mention the other reason for not keeping up with blogging, or at least the reason for the last week. I have been computer-less, until today. DH was online on the toshiba last week and it just died. I fully expected for the puter dr to fix it, but it was time to lay her to rest. We haven't buried her yet,lol, maybe we should have her cremated! Anywho, as of today, I am the proud owner of a refurbed gatway. So far, so good.

phew! better get to making the rest of my online rounds, gotta get up early tomorrow.yipee

life is such a process..

Really, its freaking exhausting. Wouldn't it be easier if we were just here, and say by age 20 knew all we needed to know? Sure, its a neat idea, learning everyday, evolving, the way things change, yadayada yada BUT. Man can it suck sometimes.

I'm finding myself trying to save a marraige I don't know if I want to save or not. I find myself completely discontent with my work. I tell myself I'm worth so much more, I should have been something more. Yeah, I dont love my job. I'm facing something that is fairly new to me, fear. I'm too afraid to do anything about it, to follow my passions. And so I stay.(both the job and maybe my mariage). I'm a big ole scardy cat. I know I'm young, I can always go back to school, start following my dreams,etc...But the fear of failure is there.

I go back and forth on ttc past,non existant present and future. No, we arn't ttc in any way, shape or form(that would be stupid since my marriage is on the rocks). My failure to concieve followed by what felt like my only chance at pregnancy ending in miscarriage are raw spots. It stings sometimes. Its not a constant cut to the quick kind of pain it was during the RE and treatment days, but yeah, when I think I'll never have babies of my own to love, nurture and watch grow. well, it puts a lump in my throat. I get a bit teary. And not entirely for myself, I get sad for anyone whose ever struggled. I think of online friends like Simone, Liss, Daisy,Nona and other long time ttc'ers I know irl. All in all, I've come a long ways in the form of acceptance over IF hell. I don't dislike people solely because they have kids nor do I dispise pg women. Perhaps for the first time in my life, I actually see children for what they really are, the whole idea of family. Its all such a miracle, one that so many parents overlook so easily.

I miss the old me. The fearless me. The girl who followed her dreams, believed in herself, was passionate. The girl that had goals. I wish I could turn back time and take that with me from the past so I could have it now.

You don't ever really get used to it...

Forgive my randomness:

IF always hurts. Even after you come to terms with it yourself, you still find yourself rooting for other IFers.

I just read about an online friend who has suffered loss after loss and is more than likely in the midst of her 7th loss. Its KILLING me. My heart is so heavy for her. I can't wrap my head around such a seemingly simple concept. I hurt for her so much, so deeply. She is one of the most amazing women I've met thorugh the online world, and so worthy of holding her child in her hands. My thoughts are with her.

***

Sometimes I almost wish I were religious. But you can't help not beliving anymore than those who claim to "feel" gods presence, and know he's there. I, just like them, simply can't accept anything other than what I feel. And I've never been a true believer, despite attending sunday school and church my entire childhood. Sometimes it seems it would be easier to say "I'm praying for you" or "its in gods hands". To believe that I could talk to a greater power and it wouldn't be the equivalant of me talking to myself. Seems it definately would be easier than beliving that shit just happens in life and there isn't any real rhyme or reason to any of it.

***

The deck is DONE. We're thrilled with the outcome. its better than we thought it could have been. Once the bottom is enclosed with white lattice and the decdk sealed, its a done deal(so technically its not done-done). We spent a few nights sitting out there in our rocking chairs listening to nothing but the wisper of the wind and the crickets. Its peaceful, relaxing, wonderful.

***

The marriage thing. hmmmmph Its slow going but is getting better. We are both working insanely hard, trying to get some stuff paid off and save what we can for our vacation in Oct. I can't wait. I need a vacation, to get away and get out of this huge rut.

thats all folks-gotta get some zzzz's

quick post from work...shhhh

I've started many many posts the last week or so but just don't have a whole lot to say really. At least not in the grand scheme of things. I'm in kind of a dark place right now emotionally and I tend to draw that inwards sometimes. I feel lonely in my thoughts and feelings yet don't know how or don't want to share them with anyone so I've closed my emotional book for now.

Life other than that is insanely busy. Too busy. I'm having a hard time finding any me time to relax, take in a good book or otherwise wind down. I'm definately in a rut. Working hard makes me happy. Really. It makes me feel needed, it gives my day purpose. No way I could be a SATW. So I guess I'll take the whole too busy to relax thing over the tired of relaxing thing but dang what I'd give to steal a day off, take a day to get my shaggy hair cut, sleep till noon, hang out in the yard, take care of my neglected flowers and garden. Ah well.

We are DONE with the flooring on the new deck. DH hurt his back pretty badly and has been advised to not over do or lift over 15 or so pounds so he's not much help. Not sure if its the tom boy in me or the cheep skate in me but for some reason, I refused to hire the rest of the job done so in any spare time I may have had the past couple of weeks, I've been working on the deck. I've learned how to run power tools I didn't even know existed. Its giving me a great sense of accomplishment, and a few wounds along the way. I'm hoping the built in bench, planter and railing will be done within a week or so. My step dad has been wonderful on advising me which steps to do next as well as helping me with the actually building part here and there.

See why I've started so many posts but not finished them? I'm borrrrring.

Busy,Busy,Busy...

Life is spinning right now. Besides work(60ish hours a week) I'm helping my bro and SIL out this week by keeping my nephew some while his regular sitter is on vacation. Awww,right? NO! He is SOOOOO 2 yrs old! Don't get me wrong, when he's sweet, I love him to bits, I want a child so bad that my heart aches but when he's thrown himself on the floor kicking and screaming because I cut him off after one big bowl of ice cream, and I try to console him to which he hits me and tries to bite me. Yeah, if I were the praying type, thats when I'd pray a big 'ole THANK YOU to the man upstairs for the curse of IF.(I'm actually agnostic). Anywho.

My garden is going to hell. Lucky me I planted lots of drought tolerant stuff that can take some heat and dryness. The rest,well I guess it will die, like a lot of it I planted back this spring. Some nights I get home so late I don't have time to work in the garden, its already dark. Other nights, I just don't have the energy left.

Our 4th was good. We took nephew to the local fireworks display in the evening after the usual fish fry at my grandfathers. The moring of the 4th was spent at the parade. Yeah, exhausting day for me, DH, and J. The next day-yesterday I hosted family dinner night. Made 2 HUGE chicago stype pizzas from scratch. Turned out yummy. Pretty much I spent my day off cleaning and cooking.

More of the same for this week. No time to garden, letting all my hard work go to hell. Picking up nephew 3 days this week after work, one night I'll drop him off @ moms so that will be good. I love him I really do. I just hate the terrible 2s! LOL

My cousins wedding is coming up this weekend. She's a total bridezilla. REALLY. I've quit taking calls from her. I just don't have the energy to give her when in the end they will be married. I kept trying to tell her, thats all that really matters. She wants to marry him, and she's gonna. The rest really is just fluff..... I've been trying to find something to wear but keep having that "everything I own is ugly, I'm too fat" thing going on over and over. I don't have time to do any shopping(and if I did I wouldn't probally waste money on a dress that more than likely would never be worn again).sigh

DH and I have marriage counselling Wednesday. Things with us have been good the last couple of days. He's making an effort and I'm appreciative. He cashed in his life insurance-I didn't stop him but wasn't pleased. He keeps saying we're gonna get away this fall, maybe to TN to see some friends we miss dearly. At first I thought this was his way of running from our problems, but really I think it would be good for us. I'm for it, I could use a few days of un planned fun. I don't know if I remember how to relax! LOL

Gotta get T in the tub-TMI: He apparently rolled in something today and sticks like a pig! there's no way he's sleeping in my bed smelling like that!(BTW, T is the dog, not DH-LMAO)...

Oye-my thoughts are everywhere. No wonder I'm having trouble sleeping, my mind is racing.

calling all crossed fingers...

DH is at this very minute at a very important job interview. I know due to his background that this is EXACTLY suited for him(he actually worked there for 2 yrs prior to us going on the road doing rv transport) and left with giving proper notice and on good terms. He's not exactly crazy about the possibility of going back there, he was always unhappy there but was a good employee nonetheless. I told him, around here, thats just life. There is no perfect job here, its just what you are qualified for and appreciation is showed in the matter of a pay check and thats it. Most people around here are unhappy with their employers, sadly. He knows I'm right. I keep telling him you can't be too choosy, the economy is very unstable here. Businesses closing every single day. Its decent pay but very hard work. I know there will be at least 50 applicants, and only 2 positions but hopefully, his previous employment there will be just the thing. Of course that could possibly work against him, but its doubtful with how sad they all were that he was leaving. I vaguely remember something about his boss telling him that if things changed, she would take him back no questions ask. Or maybe I'm remembering that because I want to remember it so desperatly, LOL.

We need this sooooo bad. Cross everything possible. I know I am!

I'd better make myself look busy. afterall, at the moment this is the only job paying our bills and blogging probally doesn't look too great, lol...

Uh Oh....

I played hooky today. The weather was entirely too nice to be stuck behind a desk doing paperwork. Its nice to not be responsible sometimes. I slept till 10(after calling in sick of course), dozed on and off for about an hour after that. Finally showered and went outside to catch up on gardening around noon. I LOVE lazy days. Sure there was laundry needing to be done, and about a million other projects inside the house but that crap will have to wait for a rainy day. Today, I played. Afterall, spring only comes once a year.

Speaking of rain, I'll bet we got 6 inches yesterday. Soooo gloomy. I felt like a cloud was overhead all day. It just puts such a damper on my moods(crappy weather that is). In fact, I should mention that to the NP.

So, Trucker and I dug and dug. He dug for moles, I got the roses in, followed by some pink hyacinths, canna bulbs, day lilies, my lilac bush and some hydrangeas. So funny, the entire time, trucker stayed in the same part of the yard, digging for moles. Hours later, we were both exhausted and covered in dirt. We came straight in the house and got cleaned up. After that I decided to bake my mom a cake for her bday that was today and then we took it by to her. This evening, DH and I went fishing and caught a ton of crappie. So yeah a busy but fun day.

The weather was wonderful for gardening today, nice breeze, not too hot or cold. I need to get to the nursery and see about getting some annuals to fill in my garden. It looks so bare. I'd like to see something pretty NOW other than dandolions. To date, so far this spring I've planted all of the listed above plus daffodils, naked ladies, blue hyacinths, tulips, mums, and 2 burning bushes. Seems I'm leaving something else out as well. I'm even surprised by how much I enjoy gardening. I can't wait till next spring/summer to see all my beauties(or at least most i hope) come up. Next thing is to get some annuals in and get the stone walk way completed. I've got the flat rocks laid out but need to get it dug out, and the sand down. Then I'll use some smaller river rock to fill in. I think it'll look wonderful when completed.

Unfortunately, its back to work tomorrow:(.... But tomorrow night is the big bday bash for my mom so at least I've got something to look forward to. Still....I'd rather have a repeat of today for the next oh say....million days.