top 10 2 a.m truths...

I feel like owning up...

1. Sometimes I feel so strange-almost out of body. I'm not who I used to be. I miss myself. My old self.

2. I struggled with severe PTSD from the ages of 10 until....not sure I don't still deal with it often.

3. Starting around the age of 14, I was highly addicted to numerous things that made me numb. While I haven't used drugs in years and am able to keep my alcohol use in check now with no problem, sometimes I long for the feeling of that numbness. I wasn't a stupid kid, I knew everything I done was wrong, BUT I felt like I was punishing myself. And I've always felt I deserved to be punished.

4. I hate the color pink. I can deal with a pink shirt but a pink car or a matching pink outfit...PUKE...Reminds me of pepto bismol!

5. I have serious doubts about the state of my marriage. The spark just seems to be gone. I love him deeply but I don't know that either of us wants to be with the other anymore.

6. re: the state of my marriage- I blame a large part of our troubles on the years of ttc. Funny, everyone else always said it brought them closer together with thier partners. I think it tore us apart.

7. I still dream frequently about my brother who passed away almost 22 yrs ago. I talk to my dead grandpa sometimes and ask him for advice. Luckily, so far he doesn't talk back to me so I think I'm still sane.

8. I think I will always carry guilt with me over the m/c. Try as I may, I simply can't dismiss all the things I had done wrong in the very beginning of that pregnancy. Funny(not haha funny) how all those years I took my temp, wouldn't drink during the 2ww, watched what I ate, etc and then when finally I came to terms with remaining childless, all of that went out the window. Right along with properally monitoring my cycles.

9. I can think of 2 pretty good instances where I made horrible mistakes years ago(bad screw ups) that would be reason enough for me to not have children now. karma's a bitch

10. I have no long term goals. I have no idea what I want in the next 5 yrs. I don't know if I'll still be married then or not, or if I want to be. I don't know if I'll be traveling with the circus as a side show freak which I should be or if I'll be stuck in this itty bitty town. I feel I am worth soooo much more than this. Other times, I don't feel I'm worth the air I breathe.

now....maybe I can sleep. I hope no one feels obligated to reply, mostly i just need to get this crap out and be honest about it. reassurance isn't what i'm looking for here, i just need to be me.

calling all crossed fingers...

DH is at this very minute at a very important job interview. I know due to his background that this is EXACTLY suited for him(he actually worked there for 2 yrs prior to us going on the road doing rv transport) and left with giving proper notice and on good terms. He's not exactly crazy about the possibility of going back there, he was always unhappy there but was a good employee nonetheless. I told him, around here, thats just life. There is no perfect job here, its just what you are qualified for and appreciation is showed in the matter of a pay check and thats it. Most people around here are unhappy with their employers, sadly. He knows I'm right. I keep telling him you can't be too choosy, the economy is very unstable here. Businesses closing every single day. Its decent pay but very hard work. I know there will be at least 50 applicants, and only 2 positions but hopefully, his previous employment there will be just the thing. Of course that could possibly work against him, but its doubtful with how sad they all were that he was leaving. I vaguely remember something about his boss telling him that if things changed, she would take him back no questions ask. Or maybe I'm remembering that because I want to remember it so desperatly, LOL.

We need this sooooo bad. Cross everything possible. I know I am!

I'd better make myself look busy. afterall, at the moment this is the only job paying our bills and blogging probally doesn't look too great, lol...

Uh Oh....

I played hooky today. The weather was entirely too nice to be stuck behind a desk doing paperwork. Its nice to not be responsible sometimes. I slept till 10(after calling in sick of course), dozed on and off for about an hour after that. Finally showered and went outside to catch up on gardening around noon. I LOVE lazy days. Sure there was laundry needing to be done, and about a million other projects inside the house but that crap will have to wait for a rainy day. Today, I played. Afterall, spring only comes once a year.

Speaking of rain, I'll bet we got 6 inches yesterday. Soooo gloomy. I felt like a cloud was overhead all day. It just puts such a damper on my moods(crappy weather that is). In fact, I should mention that to the NP.

So, Trucker and I dug and dug. He dug for moles, I got the roses in, followed by some pink hyacinths, canna bulbs, day lilies, my lilac bush and some hydrangeas. So funny, the entire time, trucker stayed in the same part of the yard, digging for moles. Hours later, we were both exhausted and covered in dirt. We came straight in the house and got cleaned up. After that I decided to bake my mom a cake for her bday that was today and then we took it by to her. This evening, DH and I went fishing and caught a ton of crappie. So yeah a busy but fun day.

The weather was wonderful for gardening today, nice breeze, not too hot or cold. I need to get to the nursery and see about getting some annuals to fill in my garden. It looks so bare. I'd like to see something pretty NOW other than dandolions. To date, so far this spring I've planted all of the listed above plus daffodils, naked ladies, blue hyacinths, tulips, mums, and 2 burning bushes. Seems I'm leaving something else out as well. I'm even surprised by how much I enjoy gardening. I can't wait till next spring/summer to see all my beauties(or at least most i hope) come up. Next thing is to get some annuals in and get the stone walk way completed. I've got the flat rocks laid out but need to get it dug out, and the sand down. Then I'll use some smaller river rock to fill in. I think it'll look wonderful when completed.

Unfortunately, its back to work tomorrow:(.... But tomorrow night is the big bday bash for my mom so at least I've got something to look forward to. Still....I'd rather have a repeat of today for the next oh say....million days.

Ta Da...

you should be able to leave me comments once again. While screwing with settings the other day, I think I changed it under the comments tabs to "hide" thinking it would hide comments, not make it impossible to leave them. so thanks simone for bringing it to my attention.

Well, the world got the last laugh in my face. Recently, there has been a rash of pregnancy/"we're trying for _________(insert number 2-200 here)" announcements. I've been handling it really really well until today. My totally inmature cousin and her deadbeat BF who hasn't worked but about a month out of their entire relationship are pg and getting married this summer. My first reaction was disbelief. I cried on the phone to her, I think she thought I was happy for her. The truth is that she has a very good head on her shoulders, is a very hard worker...She simply is too good for him. Anyone would pick up on this within minutes of meeting them together. I'm not sure I'm bothered at all by the pregnancy(ok, maybe a tiny bit) but her marrying him....*sigh*. This must have been how my mom felt when I got married.(my mom was totally against it when dh and I tied the knot). I've always viewed her more as a little sis than a cousin. I'm just...irked.

Anywho, life goes on. I've got to finish the planning for moms bday party Wednesday night. That, gardening, and work(I got another job to replace the one I quit when dh got hired at his joke of a job) should keep me busy this next week.

Have I mneitoned how nice it is to have the windows all open? I love being able to air out the house. I love the breeze. Spring is FABULOUS!

heat wave and other stuff

Seems we have have missed the warm but not-too-warm, sunny but not sunburn sunny, some wind but not too windy spring days we're supposed to get here in Mo. Its gone straight to hot. Granted, its manageable, not overly humid like in the middle of summer, but its getting there. I feel like someone pissed in my cheerios, screwed me out of the best season. Guess I shouldn't complain,I know many places are still dealing with winter type weather so I'll take it and smile--what else is there? I've been getting an insane amt of gardening done, planted 2 teeny tiny burning bushes down the driveway, one on each side. Also planted some naked ladys and hyacinths earlier today. First on the list when I got home from work today was to pull off the clothes and get as close as naked as possible without making the neighbors talk so I could go outside and get things in order(not sure why i worry, the nearest neighbor isn't in view). After pittling around in the garden, I noticed my hummingbirds are out. YAY! Then, I managed to mow about 1/4th of the front yard(its a massive front yard).

In my recent quest of soul searching & self discovery, and in taking a good look at everything, I'm come to a bit of a realization. Well, it was part "me" and part of a HUGE arguement with dh the other night. I never really give him credit for his feelings, I have always gone about a lot of things in our marriage in a manner where I tell him "we're done ttc, I can't take it anymore" or "you will help me more around the house since your not working or I'll leave you". I never mentioned ttc since the m/c. He didn't know if we were or weren't or were ever going to again or not. I just left him in limbo, like that isn't a big enough issue that we need not discuss it? Being a father is every bit as big of a deal as being a mother. Afterall, he's not just along for the ride. Granted, I didn't even really know what I wanted myself but to not discuss it. To ignore the issue?? ....He feared mentioning it to me because my moods are sooooo sparatic, he was just going with the flow. Even tho he didn't really even know what the flow was. I'm ashamed to say, I've been very difficult at many times, pretty unbarable as a wife. He takes it because he loves me. I feel like crap knowing that the man I love with all my heart has no idea whats going on in my mind. Its so wrong to shut him out, if anything this is the time we need to cling to one another. Stick together, the hardest times are when you need that more than anytime. I had no idea that while trying to protect him from the deepest darkest times of my life that I was actually pulling him down with me by NOT sharing, by shutting down.

So, as these things tend to do, it all finally came to a head. DH actually left for the night. Without a doubt, one of the hardest nights of my life but I believe I.....No, WE both needed it. It forced me to face things I may have never delt with otherwise. I knew things between us weren't great but out of....laziness(?), I just wouldn't face it or try to do anything about it. Maybe after 9 yrs of marraige I felt secure. I wasn't scared he'd run out and cheat on me, I wasn't scared of losing him, I wasn't scared of any of that. Maybe thats overly secure? Maybe it just felt like too much to face at that time?? In any event, I have decided that if anything in the world is worth the effort, its my marriage. I don't just want it to work, I want to be happy, I believe that I can be happy with my marriage, I just have to put forth the effort. I want dh to be happy too. To know that my DH was giving up hope on me, on US, kills me. I sulked for a couple of days afterwards, just feeling so guilty but somehow I found an inner strength that thought was long gone, stolen. I had felt so weak for so long, I didn't know if that strength was even a part of my being anymore. I found out its a huge part of ME. It combined with my stubborness has brought me a new frame of mind as of recent. I'm beginning to feel peace again, like I may not control everything I'd like but I can control something. My reactions to events, my actions towards my husband.

Yep, I'm gonna be al' right.

oye...party planner i am not

So I called everyone informing them of the time, place and date of my moms 49th bday. doing good, right? Then, I call the place where they are naturally booked for that date and time. So now I get to re call everyone. boy don't I feel like I fell off the dumb tree!

I'm just adding it to the on going list of crap, Trying very hard to deal with it all(lack of job for dh, plus the job i stupidly quit, my marrital issues, my self image, financial problems, my inability to even plan a freaking party correctly),by ignoring it and letting it pass. better days will come....they have to.

feeling indifferent...

My last blog was about how I've felt pressure from others. Well now I think I can count myself amongst the ranks of the rest of the world. I don't know whats next. And I want to know. I'm not ok with feeling things are out of my hands(one would think I would have accepted that LONG ago after all those failed years of ttc). I've always took the idea drilled into me as a kid(you know the one, 'you can be anything you want when you grow up') as literal...and perhaps beyond. So to be faced with things you actually have zero control over....well, its still a hard pill for me to swallow.

Basically, I'm finding myself half wanting to have dh get the big V, and half wanting to save for IVF. I'm just that unsure of what I want and how are you going to go about getting it if you don't even know what your going for?? I cannot wrap my mind around ttc again, I'm afraid it would break me beyond repair emotionally. The idea puts knots in my stomache. I partially feel I want to be a parent, I sometimes desperatly feel like that is "missing" but there are lots of good moments in life that would be difficult or impossible to repeat with the life altering responsibility of parenthood. I definately have a very nurturing maternal instinct that I often feel is unfulfilled. I believe I had felt at peace with the idea of remaining childless, and then those 2 little pink lines. Now, I find myself second guessing. I feel like I finally got close, not close enough but a glimpse. The first "hope" I had felt in a long time, in regards to ttc and becoming a mother.

I look myself in the mirror and think "what are you doing.....what's next"... And the fact that I don't have a clue, that I don't know what I even want for the future. Well, being a control freak, it frightens me. I always wanted to be a young mom. For me, that hasn't changed. Is there still time? Sure. I'm only 27....A few years ago, ideally, I would be done ttc at this point in my life and have my 2-3 kiddos by now. And now, thinking back upon that, the idea almost scares me.

I realize I'm being unpractical. I realize that the m/c is still fresh in my mind and weighing on my heart. I just suddenly feel I must have a plan for the future. I have to know. It feels urgent. It.Can't.Wait. Dh suggested we ttc like we used to, in the beginning. Which in my mind isn't really even trying. Its not going to get us there, buddy, sorry. He thinks since we concieved naturally ONCE after 7 yrs,treatment and failed IUIs, that it might happen again soon(*eyeroll*). In a way, I feel much like I did coming up on around our 2 yr ttc anniversary. By then, it seemed thats all I focused on, ttc. Pondering everything in my life right down to what I ate,drank,etc. Reading up on long term ttc'ers struggles and worrying that we may be headed for the same kind of trouble. See, even the stress of thinking about ttc or ending the journey here and now is stressing me the hell out!

I wish I could push it to the back burner, like I have before. Just shrug it off thinking "if it happens, thats great(all along knowing that the chances were slim to none) and it it doesn't thats ok too". Well guess what, all my burners on the stove are full, something has to be pitched. I have a feeling that within the next year, something big will happen, no idea what but I can't put this on hold that much longer because as long as its on the stove, even on the back burner, its still there. I have to have dreams and focuses for the future.

Damn this yearning to move forward with something-ANYTHING right this second. Damn these feelings.


On a positive note, DH got through orientation with no problem, just waiting on the call for the job to actually begin. On the backside of that, it is a temp position which was not known until the day of orientation. So, technically, he's employed but still looking. Ho Hum

One more positive note, went to bros and SILs today for easter dinner(a day early due to conflicts in scheduale) Weather wonderful, my nephew(and trucker) had a blast egg hunting. Food was great, it was actually a lot of fun. A nice little escape from my crazy mind.

hope everyone has a fantastic easter!!

Leave me alone!

Ever feel like you're being gently prodded along to move forward? To do something? I feel like my mom, my DH, sometimes the entire world even are waiting for me to....I don't know. It makes me feel like a circus freak, they are waiting for me to perform my next act. "Lets see what she can get herself into now". DH mentioned I should start taking my metformin again. HUH? Why all the sudden should I? My mom asked if we were going to "keep trying". I don't know. Why do I have to know right this damn second?

I just want to get away. Just move on. Leave for a nice long trip all by myself. maybe someday I'll come back. come back to their inquisitive stares, their annoying questions and comments. Oh how nice it would be to be a loner, a drifter. To not have to answer to anyone but myself. For the first time in my life I can see why people leave everything behind, change their names and just start again..... ahhhh, the sweet freedom!

DH got the job!

We're so excited! We were both soooo depressed last night about him not getting "the call" so today(the orientation was supposed to be today), dh called inquiring if the position was still open. Turns out, they had delayed the orientation to next tuesday and were going to call him later today. So, he goes Tues for orientation and should be hired unless for some unforseen reason, he can't get past orientation. Shouldn't be a problem, no problems with the background check.,etc. I'm soooo happy, for him, for me....for us. It seems like its been so long since we've had any real good news to celebrate(minus the + hpt which doesn't really seem like such a joyous thing now, considering the end result).

I got to thinking last night in my despair about how one phone call, one tiny little thing can effect your life so much. Its such a concept to wrap your mind around, how in a split second, everything can change. I was trying to look back into my past and pin point the time during our ttc efforts that it actually occured to me that we may have trouble getting pg. I tried to pinpoint the time that I finally came to realize that it wouldn't happen without intervention. I do actually remember the day that I realized IUI wouldn't get us there, and we'd have to do IVF. And that thought was followed by the "yeah but what it doesn't work either". Its strange to say the least. I remember in the very beginning lurking on boards, feeling sorry for women who had so much difficulty getting pg and staying that way. I remember thinking how lucky I was that DH and I wouldn't be having any kind of trouble like that. Afterall, *we* were young,*we* were like everyone else we knew, *we* looked the same, *we* were the same,*we* wouldn't have any trouble getting pg at all. nope. It all seems so silly now to me, what did I think these infertile people would look like, aliens? Did I think IF only happened to old ladies, far too old to be considering having children anyway? I think about it now and almost laugh or cry. I am SO not that person anymore. Its strangely odd that I am the oposite of that person, and I am the infertile. The same one I was so glad to not have anything in common with-yeah thats me.

Its not just ttc, there have been many points in my life where one single moment, one tiny thing, one phone call have greatly impacted my life(like most everyone I'm sure). I remember the phone call from my dad that changed everything between us. It began as a call from my father and ended as a call from someone whom I never cared to speak to again. What if I hadn't been home? Would we still be the father and daughter we once were? I know there's always 'what ifs' and I know we shouldn't question fate. Maybe I'm a gluten for punishment. I remember the phone call I got in high school telling me my grandfather had died. My life was turned upside down that day, in a way, it has been every since.There are a million more, of course and I won't touch on all of them. At least not today LOL

I don't think I've mentioned my dreams. Its the craziest thing. I'll dream the most adverage dreams sometimes. A few nights ago I guess I dreamed dh had told me to pick him up some allergy meds at wal mart. Well, tonight, I did as I thought he had told me, came into the house and mentioned I'd gotten his meds to which he says" I just picked some up this morning". So, I'm all huffy because he did ask me to get him some. Ummm, no. He swears up and down he didn't ask me to, hadn't even mentioned it to me. So I dreamed that, I guess. This isn't the first time this has happened. the dreams are so ordinary that I guess I don't realize they were a dream. Sadly, this isn't the extent of my dreams. Every since childhood, I've been a night owl, had difficulty sleeping, have had a very active immagination, and have had very vivid dreams. Its like I just can't turn my brain off to sleep. When I find myself dealing with stressful things in life, I tend to have nightmares, really horrid nightmares sometimes. I've dreampt about murdering people for various reasons. Lots of restless nights and lots of being awoken by dh throughout the night for crying fits, screaming, etc. It used to scare him, now he's used to it, as used as you can get to your wife screaming curses in a deep sleep. While I recognize its not the defination of "normal" to most people, it really is something I've dealt with my entire life so its not so strange to me. The ones where someone is trying to hurt someone I love or where I'm hurting/killing someone, those do bother me. But a dream is just that, a dream. I try to let it be. One positive thing I've read online is that people who dream regularly and awake to remember details and the jist of the dream tend to be intelligent. Ha, theres my proof!

Not to completely switch gears here BUT an aquaintence has really ticked me off. I am very anti puppy mill, anti- back yard breader. Pretty much, it is WRONG WRONG WRONG to breed and sell dogs for the almighty dollar. It is plain and simple wrong. Well this ladys dog had died and she was telling me she was negotiating a price from someone she knew who raises dauschaunds. I encouraged her to check out the local shelters, rescue groups,etc. She said she's look into it, blah, blah blah. She said she was worried to get a pound puppy because the wouldn't be registered so I out right asked her what "papers" are really worth. Does a dog with "papers" really make a better dog than a mixed breed pup? Are they more affectionate? More loyal? More anything? Her answer to me, no but they are worth more. I told her that I refuse to put a price tag on my friendship and companionship my dog provides to me. And guess what, HE came from a shelter. HE would have been put down within a week had no one taken him when I got him. She couldn't believe this. She knows Trucker and has commented many times what a good well behaved dog he is. She assumed he was a full blooded registered dog, not one that the previous owners had starved nearly to death. I spoke with her more, really believeing I had gotten through to her and then today, she called me(no idea how she got my cell#,which bugs me) to let me know she was able to get the pup she wanted at a good deal with the back yard breeder. Ugggh, makes me literally sick. I wouldn't be surprised at this point to find out that she tries "to get her money back" on this dog by breeding it and selling off its pups. I wish I could get through to people. Its such a HUGE problem. Even ONE litter.