so much to blog, so little time...

I think about starting a blog almost everyday. Its much much easier to throw together one sentance and post it on facebook. Although I'm finding myself irritated more and more these days with facebook world- or actually irritated with myself and who I add as friends. Don't get me wrong, I have reconnected with so many people that I wondered if I've ever see or talk to again but I feel fake for constantly congratulating people who are newly pg or their so-and-so who just had a baby. And yet, I feel like a jerk if I don't congratulate. Its just one word, congratulations, and while it typically is heartfelt, its often times inappropraite things like "we're really hoping its a boy since we've already got 3 little girls in the family". I just want to scream WHO CARES(about the gender that is). But instead I do the proper congratulations and/or comment on the adorable pictures and feel beaten. Not beaten like IF used to make me feel but beaten because if I were willing to make a poor me post on fb *wish I could pg, wish my body worked right, wish dhs count and quality of sperm was better, wish my baby wouldn't have died*(you get the picture)- these are the exact same people who would not respond or would give me some kind of religious speech. Yeah well let your baby die, let your child have a m/c after years or IF, you try it all out and see if you can find a reason that makes it ok....Bottom line is this: for me, facebook is kind of fake. Maybe I'm the one whose fake. I like to know whats going on with old friends, and to keep up with extended family that I sometimes go years without seeing but its not always safe. You pop onto facebook and there it is, staring you in the face. You read and sometimes wish you wouldn't have. But whatever...I guess if you want to keep up with them, you keep up with anything they want to share. I don't wish misery on any of them, far from it. I just wish people had a bit more tact sometimes.

Speaking of which, as bitter as that sounds, I'm really not anymore. At least not much. I gave up on figuring out "why me". It just is what it is. I am infertile. I may never have children. I will survive. I've got a pretty damned good life as is. This is alienating me a bit from the IF online community I've grown to love and depend on for so many years. I'm not in that same place anymore, I find it hard to relate. When I do try to support, I feel its too much or not recieved correctly. When I read a blog or a post somewhere from someone new to IUI or IVF, and they are hopeful and excited, I have to tell myself to *not* rain on their parade, to not ruin their optimism. Afterall, it could work. I do hope for them that it does. I just know how bad it can feel when it doesn't. I find it hard to cheer them on, I don't want to contribute to that optimism until they have a happy healthy baby in thier arms. So, while I'm very happy to be on a road of healing after years of IF hell, pain, darkness,sadness, depression and lonliness, I'm finding myself in an odd place. I definately don't fit in with the fertiles, and am beginning to feel like I don't fit in with the infertiles. So where does that leave me?

thats about all I have time for tonight. Wish I blogged more often, it always feel good to work through it, get it out of my mind and onto the keyboard. Wishing my tiny tiny audience a very happy thanksgiving. I know I'm looking forward to it this year. I've got so much to be thankful for :)

whirlwind life, facebook,etc

Things have been so very insanely busy that I've almost forgotten how to relax. The closest thing I get to relaxing these days is farmin on facebook! And even then I find my mind wondering to the dishes or the laundry or to work that needs to be done. Its good, I mean busy is good but a day or 2 off a week is good too. Guess I'll have to settle for an afternoon or 2 off.

I got a new job since my last blog. Over a week now. I'm not sure how I feel about it just yet. Its challenging and consuming and nerve wrecking. I know it will get easier with time, once I get into my business mojo and get into the swing of it all. DH comes home from work and says "how was your day" pretty much daily and I'm still answering "uhhhh" and shruging.

Sometimes I still feel that fog, its like the beginnings of a panic attack. I can usually talk myself down from it with some deep breathing,etc but man getting overwelmed with life sucks. Dh always asks what is it?...Boy don't I wish I could tell him. Its nothing and everything all at the same time.

Anyone ever have someone added as a FB friend and then regret it? Yea, thats me. I've got 4 people who absolutely drive me up a wall with their rediculous FB chatter. Some of them blog when they burp or pee. I mean seriously, TMI...TMI that noone cares to know about. And its constant! I could care less,really. Then theres my poor poor pg cousin complaining about how big she's gotten and how they are monitoring her now weekly for lack of fetal movement and she's soooo tired of going to the dr. BLAH BLAH BLAH....My comment to her was that soon it will be over and she'll have nothing else to worry about except for labor and delivery...oh and 18 yrs of responsibilty for another human being. Yea, she cant wait to get this baby out. She has no clue. really. I have friends who have found me from HS. People who I haven't talked to for yrs who add new pics of their little ones daily. They don't care to comment on anything in my life because obviously none of it is as important as their child(ren). Yet I feel that they expect comments and ohhs and ahhs everytime a new pic goes up.....Moral of the story, really think about it before adding someone as a FB friend. I mean really really think about it. Make it what you want to make it.

Well I've jabbered on way too long and have to get up early agian tomorrow for another long day. I don't feel Ive even touched on the main topics I wanted to, LOL..Maybe time will surface and I can get a good catch up post soon for you, my tiny tiny audience who I love and adore! Altho I do wish the nameless would come forth, I like to know my aundience :)

this and that...

My cousins baby shower is tomorrow. I'm not going but feel ok about it. Even ran into her tonight while shopping her registry for the gift for tomorrow(tiny bit embarassed because 1) she saw what was in my basket and knows what I'm getting her now, and 2) she knows I waited till the very last possible second to get her anything. I haven't seen her for oh say 2-3 months and boy has she blew up, but oh so cute. She's soooo tiny with this big 'ole round hard bump. I smiled, and didn't even have to fake it. If this is what being at peace feels like, than me likes it. I shopped the baby section for a good 15 minutes trying to find the last few things that werne't horribly expensive that haven't been bought yet. And I survived. Didn't even break a sweat. Man, I'm getting good at this acceptance thing. And truthfully, I have serious doubts about her ability to be a good mother BUT I hope she will be. And I am excited for her, and happy for her. Truely. Oh, the registry. PLEASE! OMG, she registered for some of the dumbest stuff, a glade candle in a vanilla scent, a zip up robe for herself, p.js for her, NIPPLE CREAM, nursing bras. Call me old fashioned but arn't those strange requests? Its not her day(well kinda)but mostly its the babys. Not that she isn't important but I'd rather get gifts for the baby, after all its a baby shower, not her bday. Am I wrong here?.....She registered for 1 lousy package of diapers. ONE. Yep, she's clueless. I don't think she realizes the first few weeks are filled with eating,crying and pooping. lots and lots of poop....


Our(dh & I) birthdays are coming up Monday. YiPeeee. I wish I didn't feel this way about bdays. I wish I felt like celebrating but I just don't want to get any older. I know people in their 30s or 40s would give anything to be 28 again, I get that. Just like I would love to be 25 again. Maybe I need to forget about them for good. Not even acknowledge the day. I don't know why I feel like this, up until my 24th or 25th bday, I loved having bdays. Now, not so much. Its not like I have a bad life, I don't. In fact, I've got a pretty peachy life. I love my husband more and more with each passing day. I have purpose. I am luckier than many-possibly even more lucky than most. Bdays are just life, right?....No real plans for the day, we both have to work. D had said something about taking me to our favorite japenese restaurant later on in the week. Guess we'll see.

It is soooo FALL here. I love it. Its been absolutely beautiful! The past 2 days or so the trees have really started changing. I love autumn. I tolerate the cold and the rain and the illness I just got over that visits every year around this time cuz I have no other choice but the beautiful colors of the trees almost makes all that worth while.

My dog is just the coolest thing ever. He's so stinkin' smart, it kills me sometimes. Would love to go into more detail with a couple of his latest antics and stories but my droopy eyes along with truckers attempts to wiggle in between me and the laptop(jealousy, i can't pet him and type at the same time) are telling me that will all have to wait.

letter to my baby...

Tonight I lit a candle for you little one. I don't know where you are but I swear I can almost feel your presense sometimes. I wonder if you will come back to us some day. The day I found out you were there was the best day of my entire life. And the day I knew you were gone was the worst. You were with us in spirit for such a short time but I can't remember smiling as much as I did for those few days. We loved you so much. You taught me a new kind of love and even though your departure was far too soon, I will never forget the happiness and excitement you brought to this home. You will never be forgotten.

did something unusual today...

Or at least unusual for me. I found myself staring at a wall for at least a good hour, possibly closer to 2 even. I was so deep in thought, trying to wrap my mind about things. Recalling things from the past, pondering the here and now and guessing the future. Its funny, I remember the feeling of knowing(or at least thinking I knew) what the future would hold. But that was once upon a lifetime. I wonder when that changed- when I went from one extreme to the other, went from the control freak of "this will be my future" to the passive "I wonder what will happen".

Sure, like most women little thoughts pop in my head by the millions throughout the day, I wonder this or think about that but to really just stare at a wall, sitting in a completely quiet room, just thinking. Well its kind of amazing. Not neccassairly good amazing or bad amazing, perhaps some of both. Normally, I don't allow myself to escape like this, to take this amount of time to just think. To really think.


I wonder as many of Infertiles must wonder if I fear being a mother more than fear not being a mother. After ttc for so many years, you begin to try to force yourself into a healing mode. You tell yourself you don't want children, you tell yourself it will never happen. Really, for me anyway, I was unable to deal with the real painful stuff so I swept it under a rug in the corner of my mind. Which brings me to where I am now. I just don't know. I wonder how thats possible after all the years of ttc, after the m/c, after all thats happened. I wonder how its possible for me to *not* know what I want. Sure, I still love the idea of a child. I think I care less and less each day about weather that child is genetically linked to either dh or myself. I think about when my nephew is here. Thats when I'm the very happiest. I feel a certain pride with my nephew, even though I'm just an aunt. My heart bursts at the seams for him. I think if I can love him that much with him only being my nephew, well than I must be fit for motherhood.

One thing I thought about today that I hadn't (really)thought about for a long time and some of my readers may know this already-we had attempted to adopt an infant from a very bad situation years ago and it fell through. Thats a feeling that I don't know I could stomache to feel again. I barely even ever got to hold him yet I feel I was put in the situation to adopt him not by chance but because I was destined to be his mother. I think of how old he would be. I even see "them" including "him" now and again at local events or walmart. I avoid eye contact for fear of falling on the floor wailing loudly for my baby. DH very much believes I am or should be "over it". Considering that the baby was born addicted to many illegals, perhaps he's right and we got "lucky" by "getting out of it". Of course my feeling is more like we got robbed, they stole my child. No I didn't birth that child but the home life I could have provided for that child, the sheer love, there is no way what he's been given can compare. I feel like I was cheated in the worst way you could cheat a person.

And then theres the m/c. I'm still shocked much of the time that we got pg without medical intervention, without even trying. Talk about irony considering we were at a point of giving up, trying to live happily as a married couple without children. It was getting easier all the time, before long we didn't even have to fake being happy, we just were. And then bam! Our lives were turned right side up(as opposed to upside down) when I saw that BFP. I'd never gotten a bfp. We were over the moon redicously happy. Thinking of it still brings a smile to my face. I want to remember that feeling so much more than the feeling of dread I had when I discovered the blood, or even worse when it was confirmed.

My bday is coming up in oh about 10 days or so. I am in a much better place in many ways then I was a few years ago. I still think I've been dealt a bad hand but I question if I stay in the game if I'll ever get a good hand or not. So I guess the question is is it worth it? Wish I knew the answer, but as is everything in life, the answer is not yet clear. I do know this, we can't wait much longer. Come the 26th of Oct, I will celebrate my 28th bday, dh his 37th. Neither of us will want to become parents much past either of these ages. In fact, at one point dh said absolutely not after turning 35(for him). Its funny how we can change our minds on that easily when trying to fill your hearts desire.

feeling weak...

Lately I find myself feeling week. I read womens blogs who have been through so much more than myself and yet they go on. Everything from countless miscarriages to stillborn births to countless failed IVFs, and sometimes a combination of the above. I watch them in amazement for thier ability to go on. I know there are no real pain olympics, and normally I wouldn't compare apples to oranges but as I see them go on I wonder why I don't have it in me. Did I just never have that kind of drive? I thought I did. I wanted to be a mother more than anything in the world- so much so that I risked my future happiness. I still have a deep desire for motherhood a good portion of the time. But the fears. I am watching women who have been through horrific ordeals repeatedly and yet they are willing to risk their heart being broken again and I literally sit in the back row and watch wondering why I am differnt. I see women who have tried much much longer than the 7 or so years we tried. The strength is inspiring- ok not inspiring enough for me to actually continue ttc but the passion they have for wanting to experience motherhood so badly that they lay their heart on the line continously. Well, I've just never seen anything like it. Its amazing!

Speaking of fears. I am overwelmed with them. I fear my marriage failing again, only not to be able to recover next time. I fear never being pg again. I fear being pg again. I fear lonliness, I fear miscarriage. I fear never being a mother and I fear my drive and desire for such are not sufficent enough to prove to myself that I'd be any good at it. I fear for my sanity if any of the above fears come true. Yep, I'm just a big ole fraidy cat :(

vacation,etc...

so we just got back from our vacation to tn yesterday. It was fantastic. I came home feeling fresh minded. I'll shorten the experience and save most of the details except for the really cool ones. Prettiest things we saw would have been the smoky mtns, mingo falls, cumberland gap, new found gap, and the entire town of cherokee, NC was amazing. I danced with indians, sampled wine @ an amazing winery until I was good and giggly. We sat in the hot tub @ our friends house a couple of nights. I had a few firsts including tasting vinegar pie, real moonshine, riding a mechanical bull, and a motorcycle. I enjoyed all but the vinegar pie which wasn't even as bad as I had guessed it to be, lol. We went to davey crockett tavern which was pretty cool. All in all, great vacation and good times! The trip was really hard on the boy(trucker). He's developed a serious issue with traveling since we have gotten out of rv transport. He totally has panic attacks in the car so you can imagaine what a 750 mile trip one way is like for him. Poor baby. He's exhausted now.

We returned yesterday to some very sad news. A lady who lives a few miles south of here backed over her 4 yr old daughter and killed her. It was accidental. This is heart wrenching news. People who are believers always find some sort of silver lining in everything and when good happens, they come up with something like "see, miracles happen everyday"...which is true. But explain why the loss of that little girl will ever be ok. Explain to that mother how she can go on with the guilt she must feel. Explain to the family that god is good.(I'm not debating god is good, I'm debating the existance)...I just can't even imagaine. I feel so bad for the family.

I had a few moments on vacation of sadness thinking about how I should be nearing birth. I should have the nursery done. I should be preparing to hold our baby in my arms. Its killing me. So in a way, I guess vacation was bittersweet. Believe me I'd traded the vacation, the bull riding, the drinking, basically anything in my life to be nearing that point. But I'm not. So I try to put it behind me. But I have a feeling the next couple of weeks with the edd approaching are going to be kinda sad for us.

I've got plants I've drug all the way from Tn and I gotta get them in the ground before they completely wither away. maybe tomorrow. The weather is truely fall here now and I think for the first time in my life I'm looking forward to winter this year. Not really the cold, just the ability to let go of gardening, I'm tired of mowing, tired of being unable to get inside projects like painting done because I'm outside so much working. Moreso this year than of any year of the past. Since spring of this year it seems like one big outdoor project after another. I need to be able to curl up with a good book, get some indoor projects done. Wind down.

long time no blog

for a whole lotta differnt reasons. Its not that I don't have anything to say, I've always got plenty going on and plenty to say. Just nothing too exciting. Life for the most part is good right now...or at least ok. sometimes thats as good as it can get, right?

Lets see, my relationship with dh seems to be improving everyday. I remember why I fell in love with him again. We've been tackling projects around the house big time and we've been enjoying it. Not that its fun stuff, but we're enjoying the time we are spending together. We haven't been able to turn the not so fun tasks into fun by being together in quite some time. I almost forgot that doing nothing much or tackling a big project together could be so much fun. He's more considerate and does little things daily that melt my heart. Things like coming up behind me while I'm doing the dishes at the sink and putting his arms around me, telling me he'll take over and to go sit down and relax. Thats my REAL idea of romance. Thats love, IMO. I know we've still got a ways to go-my biggest fear is that we'll get lazy again, quit doing for each other, quit caring and it will all fall apart once again.

To get on with it: the projects, we're heading to Tn on vacation to see friends in a couple weeks time. I've got a list that seems to be a mile long of things that MUST get done before we leave. If these things(or at least the majority of them) don't get done, we'll postpone the trip, bad as I hate to because coming straight back from vacation, we'll have family here from FL. I always do some kind of dinner or something while they are here but this year, I want more. With the deck nearly completed(its been done as far as the building goes for over a month now), I couldn't think of anything better than a deck party while they are here. So, we ordered the redwood sealer that we really liked after my extensive over analyzing research on which deck sealer is the best for hardwoods(really I probally spent a good 20 hours reading up on all of it online,rediculous I know). So, we ordered it over 2 weeks ago and have been impatiently awaiting its arrival. Finally, it came. Yesterday and part of the evening before were spent power washing the deck and house. I was amazed at how dirty the deck had already gotten since we just got it finished a bit over a month ago. The wood has really dried out, started splitting quite bad in some places. So we were really ready to get started on the sealing. We got most of it done today. Now we're crossing our fingers that the rain won't mess up our beautiful work-theres a chance tomorrow. Its much darker than we originally anticipated but a beautiful, beautiful redwood color, reminds me a LOT of cedar, which I love. Tomorrow evening after work, we'll finish the 10% or so left of the sealing and then it will be on to power washing and begin sealing the front deck-which is much much smaller and shouldn't be near the project.

Other than the deck, we've got to get the garden back under control. We have to. Theres no way I can let my rich relatives see weeds and grass in my gardens, lol. I've been so pre occupied in things that can't wait that the garden has been left to fend for itself. Only the strong plants survive around here. I've got a knockout rose that is constantly blooming and does good taking care of itself. If it gets really dry, I try to give it a drink. I've got some coleus that nearly drowned from the friday before labor day when we picked up 5 inches of rain in a matter of a few hours. My cockscomb is BEAUTIFUL! I will definately dry a head or two and save some seed to replant this next year, its soooo pretty(and carefree). Oh, the morning glories and moon flowers also do wonderfully when left alone, the morning glorys actually stay bloomed out until late evening now. All the planting I done early this spring has made for a very tired gardener who works one FT job, one PT job and donates about 10 hours a week at the animal shelter. Not that I'm complaining. I love my life most of the time. Its just hard to fit everything in!

I also MUST MUST MUST get this house into shape before we leave for TN. I want to get the walls all washed which is a huge project what with moving all the furniture and all. I would love to have the kitchen painted by the time the FL folks come up here but am trying to not overwelm myself and put more on my plate than is possible. There are other little things I want done before we leave to. Guess we'll see how things pan out!

Re: the deck party. We're having a guy we know smoke brisket and ribs. And we'll have the traditional picnic-y sides. You know, potato salad, baked beans, and such. A friend of mine does mobile d.j ing and has offered her services as a very good rate so depending on how things go, I may have her play. I'm planning on inviting both sides of the family, and tons of friends. Expecting over 100 people probally. I know, I should be shot! LOL! But, my mom will help me. Nothing like coming home from vacation and throwing yourself deep into work, huh? But its not like I don't want to do it. Because I do, I think it will be fun. Which reminds me, if the weathers bad the party will have to be moved to the garage outside which is another HUGE project getting that all in order, just in case.*sigh*

Oh! I almost forgot to mention the other reason for not keeping up with blogging, or at least the reason for the last week. I have been computer-less, until today. DH was online on the toshiba last week and it just died. I fully expected for the puter dr to fix it, but it was time to lay her to rest. We haven't buried her yet,lol, maybe we should have her cremated! Anywho, as of today, I am the proud owner of a refurbed gatway. So far, so good.

phew! better get to making the rest of my online rounds, gotta get up early tomorrow.yipee

winning the battle...(?)

Or at least I feel like it at the moment. Had kind of a breakthrough at marriage counselling, I felt cornered at first but by the end of the session, I felt so relieved. I had to admit what I wanted, what I *really* wanted for our relationship. I waver on this so often that its hard to know from one moment to the next what I want but now...NOW... I have commited that I want to make this work, that I want to be happily married again to my husband. I know that it may not work, hence the true cause(I believe) for my wavering. Strangely enough, its a lot like ttc. After so long, you become numb to failed cycles, you don't plan on it ever being "your month", its a defense mechanism. I've used it my entire life, to protect myself from rejection, pain, possible failure. But sometimes you have to take the plunge, jump...Maybe you'll sink, maybe not.


I've got many more things to blog about but those will have to wait till next time. for now, lifes truely ok. :)

funky funk-ness...

the only way I know how to describe things right now. While very busy with work and life, I find myself un fulfilled. I'm bored. I'm....blah. I daydream about going to Tn on vacation-I feel a NEED to get away, and soon. I have no interest in another day of work, another day of nothing ness.

I catch up online every couple of days, see big things happening to all my online friends and while I wish them well, I don't post. I don't respond. I feel too self consumed in my nothingness.

This upcoming month is going to be insane with projects, gotta get the house and deck powerwashed, both decks sealed, plan a party that I'm hosting, get tons of house crap done(wash the walls for SURE). I've got to get a drs appt made for sometime in Sept(boy do i have a list of stuff to talk to the dr about). I just wanna run away, just not deal with it,any of it. I know I'm an adult and with that comes responsibilites and I feel like a big baby complaining, and maybe I am. but. I don't give a flying fuck. I'm tired....Now I know how the critters that run around and around on the inside of the little wheel must feel-but then again they are probally better adjusted than me, and they do seem content doing that all day- but me, I don't want to run around the inside of the wheel, I want freedom dammit.

Oh and get this. DH wants to ttc. I actually lol when he dropped that one on me. I dont think I'll ever get "him". I was like "Huh, wtf?" I gently reminded him that we are still healing, still struggling, still attending marraige counselling, we've got a long way to go. He counters my arguement with "don't you still want kids"....I wish I knew. I do know that I don't want to ttc right now or any time in the near future. I had a dream the other night that my cousin(19) who is pg with a girl ended up having twins-somehow they missed this during her numerous ultrasounds, (rofl, thats the great part about dreams, they dont have to make sense). Anyway, one was a boy and she gave him to me saying she didn't want to raise a boy, she wanted to keep the girl but wanted me to have the boy. weird! I woke up more confused than ever.

Since I am finally beginning to get a bit tired I'll leave this here for the moment. must sleep so I can get up tomorrow and do the same ole going thorugh the motions of life bit. stay tuned

life is such a process..

Really, its freaking exhausting. Wouldn't it be easier if we were just here, and say by age 20 knew all we needed to know? Sure, its a neat idea, learning everyday, evolving, the way things change, yadayada yada BUT. Man can it suck sometimes.

I'm finding myself trying to save a marraige I don't know if I want to save or not. I find myself completely discontent with my work. I tell myself I'm worth so much more, I should have been something more. Yeah, I dont love my job. I'm facing something that is fairly new to me, fear. I'm too afraid to do anything about it, to follow my passions. And so I stay.(both the job and maybe my mariage). I'm a big ole scardy cat. I know I'm young, I can always go back to school, start following my dreams,etc...But the fear of failure is there.

I go back and forth on ttc past,non existant present and future. No, we arn't ttc in any way, shape or form(that would be stupid since my marriage is on the rocks). My failure to concieve followed by what felt like my only chance at pregnancy ending in miscarriage are raw spots. It stings sometimes. Its not a constant cut to the quick kind of pain it was during the RE and treatment days, but yeah, when I think I'll never have babies of my own to love, nurture and watch grow. well, it puts a lump in my throat. I get a bit teary. And not entirely for myself, I get sad for anyone whose ever struggled. I think of online friends like Simone, Liss, Daisy,Nona and other long time ttc'ers I know irl. All in all, I've come a long ways in the form of acceptance over IF hell. I don't dislike people solely because they have kids nor do I dispise pg women. Perhaps for the first time in my life, I actually see children for what they really are, the whole idea of family. Its all such a miracle, one that so many parents overlook so easily.

I miss the old me. The fearless me. The girl who followed her dreams, believed in herself, was passionate. The girl that had goals. I wish I could turn back time and take that with me from the past so I could have it now.

You don't ever really get used to it...

Forgive my randomness:

IF always hurts. Even after you come to terms with it yourself, you still find yourself rooting for other IFers.

I just read about an online friend who has suffered loss after loss and is more than likely in the midst of her 7th loss. Its KILLING me. My heart is so heavy for her. I can't wrap my head around such a seemingly simple concept. I hurt for her so much, so deeply. She is one of the most amazing women I've met thorugh the online world, and so worthy of holding her child in her hands. My thoughts are with her.

***

Sometimes I almost wish I were religious. But you can't help not beliving anymore than those who claim to "feel" gods presence, and know he's there. I, just like them, simply can't accept anything other than what I feel. And I've never been a true believer, despite attending sunday school and church my entire childhood. Sometimes it seems it would be easier to say "I'm praying for you" or "its in gods hands". To believe that I could talk to a greater power and it wouldn't be the equivalant of me talking to myself. Seems it definately would be easier than beliving that shit just happens in life and there isn't any real rhyme or reason to any of it.

***

The deck is DONE. We're thrilled with the outcome. its better than we thought it could have been. Once the bottom is enclosed with white lattice and the decdk sealed, its a done deal(so technically its not done-done). We spent a few nights sitting out there in our rocking chairs listening to nothing but the wisper of the wind and the crickets. Its peaceful, relaxing, wonderful.

***

The marriage thing. hmmmmph Its slow going but is getting better. We are both working insanely hard, trying to get some stuff paid off and save what we can for our vacation in Oct. I can't wait. I need a vacation, to get away and get out of this huge rut.

thats all folks-gotta get some zzzz's

quick post from work...shhhh

I've started many many posts the last week or so but just don't have a whole lot to say really. At least not in the grand scheme of things. I'm in kind of a dark place right now emotionally and I tend to draw that inwards sometimes. I feel lonely in my thoughts and feelings yet don't know how or don't want to share them with anyone so I've closed my emotional book for now.

Life other than that is insanely busy. Too busy. I'm having a hard time finding any me time to relax, take in a good book or otherwise wind down. I'm definately in a rut. Working hard makes me happy. Really. It makes me feel needed, it gives my day purpose. No way I could be a SATW. So I guess I'll take the whole too busy to relax thing over the tired of relaxing thing but dang what I'd give to steal a day off, take a day to get my shaggy hair cut, sleep till noon, hang out in the yard, take care of my neglected flowers and garden. Ah well.

We are DONE with the flooring on the new deck. DH hurt his back pretty badly and has been advised to not over do or lift over 15 or so pounds so he's not much help. Not sure if its the tom boy in me or the cheep skate in me but for some reason, I refused to hire the rest of the job done so in any spare time I may have had the past couple of weeks, I've been working on the deck. I've learned how to run power tools I didn't even know existed. Its giving me a great sense of accomplishment, and a few wounds along the way. I'm hoping the built in bench, planter and railing will be done within a week or so. My step dad has been wonderful on advising me which steps to do next as well as helping me with the actually building part here and there.

See why I've started so many posts but not finished them? I'm borrrrring.

walking down memory lane...

You ever have mini flashbacks? At my cousins wedding this last weekend, I did the unthinkable-I cried. That is so *NOT ME*, or at least it didn't used to be me. I was crying for her, worried she's making a mistake, I was crying for me, worried I made a mistake 9 yrs ago by vowing my life to the man I loved(love?)... I can remember thinking seconds before walking down the isle that there is always an out in marraige if it "doesn't work out". That can't be a good sign. Then again, maybe thats something lots of brides feel but won't say. Maybe its a sign of cold feet? Maybe its just the realist in me, knowing the hell my mother went thorugh for years with my father in a love less marriage, and knowing that after all those years, she finally got out. So maybe it was my way of being rational, telling myself that if we couldn't make it work, I could always divorce him... In any event...

The mini flashbacks don't stop there. I remembered the first boy I told I loved the other day while cleaning out emotional cobwebs. I hadn't thought of that for many years. I wonder why its resurfaced now? It broke my heart that he didn't tell me back. At least not right then. He looked scared, like a deer caught in the headlights of a car bearing down on him. We broke up not long after that. I didn't love him, I was too young at that age to know what true love was. Maybe I'm still too young and/or immature to know what true love is. Afterall, where would I have ever witnessed that firsthand? Certainly not by watching my parents marraige.

They knew how to put on a happy face, my mom and dad. People were shocked at the allegations my mom made after she packed up and left him. I'm certain most people didn't believe a word she said, some still probally don't believe her-especially about the abuse. I reconnected a while back with a childhood friend who insists my father was not a drunk. She never saw my dad be anything but nice. How should I respond to such a thing,really? You spend so many years hiding the facts, pretending your part of a happy family that even now I feel my BP and heart rate rise when I talk out loud about my relationship with my father, or about my parents relationship with one another. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, so I down play it, at least out loud in the presence of others. Somehow I must have been made to feel as if I were to blame because to this day there is a shamefull feeling about my fathers actions/his drinking/the seperation/the divorce.

I remember when I first saw my dad after mom and me left. He cried. I had never seen him cry, not even when my baby brother passed away years earlier. He begged me to talk mom into coming back to him, he said that if I insisted on coming back home, he knew she would too. He was right. We had left before and I missed home, we were gone for part of a summer and then went back. Things had gotten better for a time, but it didn't last. Slowly, things got worse and worse. I do remember feeling pressured, like I held the ability to keep the family together, even though I knew realistly, it would have only been a matter of time before someone would have gotten seriously hurt...or worse. Sometimes I think, still to this day I carry some shame, some guilt because I didn't do more to keep the family together, even if that were truely impossible. Sure I wasn't the one who tore the family apart, but I.....arrrgggh

theres more so much more. It seems like I'm uncovering more everyday. Its not all bad, or at least on the surface doesn't seem bad(I remember back roading with my dad a lot when I was young-they were at the time good memories-now I know that drinking a case of beer in a day and driving isn't so good-especially when you've got your kid with you)--....In any event, I feel like I'm searching for something. Like I've hidden so many things in the back of my mind that its time to do an emotional clean up- sort through the memories, deal with the emotions that come with said memorys. I think my subconscious may be looking for answers.

Emotional crap aside, life is fair right now. Things have slowed down a bit from my last post. I am healthy, working desperatly to save our marriage, working hard in the garden again and we've ordered the wood to do the wrap around porch we've wanted for years. Its mostly gonna be dh and I doing it, yes in this horrid heat and humidity. This fall, we're going to Tn to visit friends. I can't wait!

Busy,Busy,Busy...

Life is spinning right now. Besides work(60ish hours a week) I'm helping my bro and SIL out this week by keeping my nephew some while his regular sitter is on vacation. Awww,right? NO! He is SOOOOO 2 yrs old! Don't get me wrong, when he's sweet, I love him to bits, I want a child so bad that my heart aches but when he's thrown himself on the floor kicking and screaming because I cut him off after one big bowl of ice cream, and I try to console him to which he hits me and tries to bite me. Yeah, if I were the praying type, thats when I'd pray a big 'ole THANK YOU to the man upstairs for the curse of IF.(I'm actually agnostic). Anywho.

My garden is going to hell. Lucky me I planted lots of drought tolerant stuff that can take some heat and dryness. The rest,well I guess it will die, like a lot of it I planted back this spring. Some nights I get home so late I don't have time to work in the garden, its already dark. Other nights, I just don't have the energy left.

Our 4th was good. We took nephew to the local fireworks display in the evening after the usual fish fry at my grandfathers. The moring of the 4th was spent at the parade. Yeah, exhausting day for me, DH, and J. The next day-yesterday I hosted family dinner night. Made 2 HUGE chicago stype pizzas from scratch. Turned out yummy. Pretty much I spent my day off cleaning and cooking.

More of the same for this week. No time to garden, letting all my hard work go to hell. Picking up nephew 3 days this week after work, one night I'll drop him off @ moms so that will be good. I love him I really do. I just hate the terrible 2s! LOL

My cousins wedding is coming up this weekend. She's a total bridezilla. REALLY. I've quit taking calls from her. I just don't have the energy to give her when in the end they will be married. I kept trying to tell her, thats all that really matters. She wants to marry him, and she's gonna. The rest really is just fluff..... I've been trying to find something to wear but keep having that "everything I own is ugly, I'm too fat" thing going on over and over. I don't have time to do any shopping(and if I did I wouldn't probally waste money on a dress that more than likely would never be worn again).sigh

DH and I have marriage counselling Wednesday. Things with us have been good the last couple of days. He's making an effort and I'm appreciative. He cashed in his life insurance-I didn't stop him but wasn't pleased. He keeps saying we're gonna get away this fall, maybe to TN to see some friends we miss dearly. At first I thought this was his way of running from our problems, but really I think it would be good for us. I'm for it, I could use a few days of un planned fun. I don't know if I remember how to relax! LOL

Gotta get T in the tub-TMI: He apparently rolled in something today and sticks like a pig! there's no way he's sleeping in my bed smelling like that!(BTW, T is the dog, not DH-LMAO)...

Oye-my thoughts are everywhere. No wonder I'm having trouble sleeping, my mind is racing.

doing something good...

So tomorrow I'm going to the local animal shelter to help out. Not sure if they'll have me walk the dogs or get a less perferable(but equally important) task like cleaning the litter boxes. I think I need this, an opportunity to focus less on myself, and give to something thats very dear to my heart. Trucker was a rescue, in a kill shelter and due to be put down within a week. The people who had him basically got tired of the jack russell personality and rather than attempt to train them(trucker had a sister), they quit feeding them. The neighbors watched this go on for weeks(all the while the jerks continued to feed their other dogs whom theyt wished to keep) until they couldn't stand watching Trucker and his sister(and a basset hound whom they also quit feeding)wither away on a leash so the neighbors took the dogs and turned them into the local shelter. Lucky me, I got an absolutely wonderful dog out of the deal. I mean, really, he's fantastic. So I view this as a way of giving back to something thats very important to me.

the one worry i have is falling in love with a dog that speaks to me like trucker did. I've wavered back and forth on getting truck a lil buddy for over a year now. I want to but Trucker and I are veryt connected. While I feel he needs a playmate, I'm afraid he won't be accepting of me bonding with another dog. In fact, I'm almost certain there will be jealousy issues.

I've gone before to help out but never on a regular basis. I'm hoping this time to stick to it, at least making it to the shelter a couple times of months. this particular shelter is ran solely by donations and volunteers so i know its needed and vital to the cats and dogs. In any event,. I'm looking forward to it!

emotional exhaustion

I feel so beat emotionally sometimes. I look perfectly fine on the outside. I have no fever, am not sick to my stomache but deeper than any of that, I feel like life has beat the crap out of me. Sometimes I long to be the carefree girl I used to be. But thats gone, I've been defeated. My spirit has been broken.

My marriage is still so rocky. Sometimes I love him more than words can say and other times I.... well i hate him. I'm caught somewhere between the fairy tale marriage is supposed to be and the hell that marriage can be. Sometimes I feel happy and sometimes I am so filled with anger, and feel so alone. As stated before communication has always been an issue in our marriage. I have finally figured out that I'm partly responsible for that. See marriage is supposed to be 50/50. HA! I think most people who would tell you their marriage is always 50/50 are just trying to fool you and themselves in the process. I think most marriages are like ours, someone wears the pants at least 60% of the time and the other goes with it. I don't see how it could work any other way, seriously. If you've got 2 people who are completely passive, nothing will ever be decided upon, nothing will ever happen. If you've got 2 super controllers, nothing but fights and head butting will go on. Well I gotta admit, I'm the pants wearer in this family. DH was allready passive when we got married but over the years, its gotten worse. For some reason(maybe laziness) I took the reins, made all the decisions probally immasculating my husband in the time being. It had gotten so bad, I just felt like he was on board with whatever so I quit asking how he felt/what he wanted. Even now if I ask what he wants for dinner its always something like"I don't care, whatever" even tho he does have a preferance. Its irritating. The biggest problem with this is if I make a bad decision on my own, and it backfires, I feel left alone as the one to take the blame. I made the decision, I screwed up, lay the blame on me. solely. alone. Its ALL my fault. Its a lonely feeling.

In any event, we're both working on it. Sometimes me harder than him. Sometimes I think its a lost cause, like it will never be what I always hoped it would be....one of my friends asked me what it is exactly that I want to change. Its hard to say really. I know I need more communication, I want things to be more 50/50 or at least closer to that. I don't want to ever feel emotinally lonely in my marriage. I don't just want to stay married but I want to be happily married. Now I realize, there are bumps, we've been through a lot of them in these 9 yrs. things won't always be perfect, but I want to feel like we're experiencing these things together. I want us to be a team.

Something kinda weird, I always thought when peoples marriages were unstable that there was lots of fights, things being thrown around, lots of screaming, that kind of thing. We have never really been the type to have more than a tiny hiccup here and there in the way of arguements. But maybe thats because of his passive nature, and my nature to take charge which by the way I know needs to change as well, in order for him to become more agressive, I have to step back a little. I know it won't be easy. for either of us.

anywho-time to take little man outside to potty before bed. most of the stuff i planned on getting done this afternoon got missed. I ended up going with my nephew and mom to my cousins dance recital. it was so stinkin' cute.

fertile vs infertile...

my mind has been spinning with lots of this the past couple of days. here's what i think: fertiles think there's some kind of cool club they can't join if they find themselves unable to join a private IF chat forum. I can't figure out why they would want to join this club, its not a fun one. Most of us find these forums to be one of the only places we feel we can post anything regarding our struggles, our fears, our anger, resentment,etc without fear of being judged by our other infertile peers. We know we can't spread our hate and pain all over the world. We don't want to. We want to exchange our moans about it with other people experiencing the same thing, people who "get it". Pretty much like I fail to ever have children, I will never be a member of any of the mommy boards, even if I did lurk and post there, do you really think they'd want my imput on helping them raise their little ones? After all, what do I know about the topic- I don't fit in there, I have no children. It really is that cut and dry, different forums for differnt groups. Lurking on the other forums is perfectly fine I think IF YOU CAN HANDLE IT. If I can't stand to look at baby pics because it hurts too bad, well then I had better stay in my comfort zone, on the dark side. If mommys can't stand the negativity, the outright ugliness that sometimes comes with IF, well, then they should stay in their comfort zone. IT JUST MAKES SENSE!

We don't choose to be ugly or bitter or angry. Not at all. We do not sensor in our little corner of the world, neither should they....In a way, I can remember IF feeling worse in the beginning(the 1st couple of yrs did seem rough). I remember feeling desperate for it to happen right that second. I cried every lost chance, every cycle passed. I think they call that baby fever. At the time, it did suck, it was hard. Eventually you become more in the mindset of "I just want it to happen" rather than the "I want it to happen NOW"--the "NOW" one being the honeymoon stage of IF. The very hardest part comes later, when you finally begin to realize it may never happen. It took years for me to actually realize this, that it just doesn't happen for everyone and I may be one of the ones that doesn't get a child. Sounds simple huh? Well with that "simple realization" I'm giving up having a child to pass my genes to, a child to tuck in at night, a child to share hugs and kisses with. I'll never breastfeed, never hear babys first words, never be called "mommy", I'll never be anyones hero, I'll never get to bake cupcakes for school, or make halloween costumes, or play santa or the easter bunny or the tooth fairy. There will be no pitter patter on our floors, there will be no excitement on christmas morning, or comforting my child when they have chicken pox. No nursery to paint, no baby to rock to sleep, no first day of school, no first smile, no potty training, first steps, no summer vacations, easter egg hunts or finger paintings. No t ball games or soccer practices, no prom or graduation, no wedding, no grandbabys to cuddle and love and spoil rotten..... now in looking back over all of the yrs of ttc, THIS....THIS was the hardest part. It didn't compare to the "honeymoon" phase of ttc, before ttc was even IF. Those were the good ole days, when dh and i would giggle about how we'd do the nursery and talked about baby names. names that we'll never get to use. thats when you start making changes, saving pennys for REs, treatments. I had one last burst of "I'll never give up-even if i have to do 100 IUIs or IVF". Then I suddenly realized that even that might not do it. Sometimes, for some people, it just doesn't happen. ever. they remain childless. this is me now. its so much more than i ever would have thought of, its so much more grief than i realized it could ever be in those first couple of years. Either I am in the midst of acceptance of the whole thing or I've gotten so used to the pain that I don't feel it anymore. maybe both.

One mommy on a forum really bugged me by basically saying she deserves happiness, children are a blessing, why shoud she have to sensor herself? Well Duh, infertiles obviously know what a blessing children are or they wouldn't be going thorugh the things they have/are. Who would choose to spend thousands, risk their mental and physical health, their relationships and marriage, almost everything in their life for a CHANCE at having a child? Obviously someone who knows what a blessing children are, someone who knows the risks and still puts their heart and money on the line for the chance. The only real choice we have is to give it our all,risking everything we can afford to lose, and do all we can and hope we get pg and get a healthy child or just simply walk away from parenthood. Risk nothing, always wondering what if..... those are our choices as infertiles. So, if we can find comfort in others on a similiar path as ours, why would anyone want to make that more difficult for us?


I could go on and on and on BUT I'm going on the 3rd night of crap sleep. not cool with me, I need my sleep.this post became much much more personal than i intended it to be but screw it, i wrote what i wanted and since its my blog, i can get away with that. besides, after so many years of trying, how could i keep it impersonal?

peace

a joy of my life

panic attacks....

the feeling of lack of air, the spinning, the heart nearly beating out of my chest. I feel smothered. I know its a panic attack and knowing that freaks me out even more, makes it even worse. i've got to call my np, i don't think the celexa is working as good as it once was. i've noticed i'm severly grinding my teeth. my jaw hurts in the moring when i wke up. the last time i saw the dentist, he commented that its getting severe and i am waering down the enamel. i catch myself doing it, clenching my jaw tightly.

must.sleep.now

Quickly: A post about government

He promised change. Not good change but change. I am disappointed with his version of change. I feel like our government is made up of gangsters. If things don't turn around quickly, I can almost see how horrible things will be. I myself am a former smoker and as of recent a casual smoker. Once you take from smokers what it is that they want from tobacco products, then they no longer see the point in smoking. Its like switching from coke to sprite to avoid the caffeine. It only works if you like sprite, but if you can't stand the taste of sprite, and the coke is too high and doesn't taste the same, then why would you continue to purchase it? What I find interesting about it is the sure cries to come from schools because their funding will be cut. Non smokers don't get it, not having to pay the outragous taxes on tobacco(granted smokers can avoid paying it as well by quitting). Smokers are chastized for what they enjoy, what they choose to spend their money on, even though the taxes paid on tobacco are fundamental to schools.

The whole gm thing*gasp*. Think about a decisoion the government has made allowing gm to send you a letter that they have decided to cut your dealership. They could care less about weather or not your great great grandfather started the dealership. You are just a number. Also, the dealerships that are being forced out, are being forced to provide customers names and such. Some dealerships have been "lucky" to have had connections on the local level and have been able to work out a deal with gm to remain open. I will NEVER EVER buy a new gm product again in my life. I can't get past bailing out a multi million dollar corporation so that they may continue doing business based from oversees. How american is that? Its not like they will re hire the people they laid off when times were tough, or keep their promises to the retired workers, its too bad so sad to them suckers and here we come china. Makes me SICK. If they want to continue in china, let CHINA bail them out, not us!

Most people don't pay too much attention to these things if they arn't directly impacted. I on the other hand, try to see the big pictire. I'm american. what affects my fellow americans affects me. I fear our rights being taken from us, I think it may have already began.

I wasn't an obama supporter, nor a mccain supporter. I kept thinking prior to election "wow, is this really the best we have to offer ourselves?"....I voted for neither, just didn't feel i could trust either of them.

.......

I read a blog recently about someones view on the whole "green" thing. I have to say that i quite agree with her. Mostly, the "going green" campaign is just that, a campaign. Its all about getting you to go out and buy energy saving this or that. You should not be driving a gas powered vehicle, instead go out and buy a new 30,000 dollar car. Isn't that creating waste? Buying things you don't need? Throwing out things because they arn't green and purchasing new? Its all to make you feel better people. There isn't really anything green about it, not at all. I say if you want to be green, recycle,reuse, repurpose. I myself am a big re-purposer. I give things away if I can't use them but rarely throw much out.....HGTV is giving away a "green home", basically a brand new home decked out with all the "green" trimmings. Hmmm... While I'm sure energy effeciant and nice bamboo floors and all, was it really that important to build a brand new home and advertise how to enter to win a chance of winning it? Its a gimic, people. What exactly are you giving back? I wonder if the green home has a family room and a living room. I wonder if its got many bedrooms. convenience over trying to perserve.

just some things to think about people

random ramblings and stuff going on...

I'm in such a wierd place right now. Sometimes I feel like things are spinning out of control, like everything is just moving, except for me. I'm in a rut of some sort? I dunno. Its like if your on a rollar coaster and about to lose your cookies, screaming at the top of your lungs to "STOP OR I'M GONNA THROW UP" doesn't matter to them, or at least the ride doesn't stop just to let you get off. I feel like I am going through the motions of everything but not really feeling anything or letting anything effect me. Maybe I'm just distaincing myself from myself and my life.hmmmmm....

DH has moved back in. things are going ......ummmm..........ok, I guess. Not good, not bad. I really am devoting my all to trying to help the situation. He's trying too, although I think he's more "doing things"(helping me around the house more, picked me flowers yesterday,etc) instead of doing any sort of internal self work, if that makes sense.

My cousin, the one whose life is such a mess stayed here for a couple of days. She has officially left her deadbeat boy toy, much to my delight. I am certain she can't make any kind of self improvement with him in her corner. She's really starting to act like a mother to be which is a relief to me. I was really worried prior to the past few days, mostly for the unborn baby. Now, she's looking for an apartment, rather than staying with random people here and there, counting on others to help her out. She's gotten herself a job, not a great job but a job. I'm proud of her. She's finally realized how big of a deal being a single mother is going to be, and she's owning up!

Gardening has been horrendous. I'm finding it really hard to keep up with pulling the weeds and keeping the grass down. And the heat,ugggh. Over 100 today with a heat advisory thorugh tomorrow night. I don't think the air has kicked off all day here at home(i'm "working" from here today). the electric bill is gonna kick my butt!!

Due to a few sorta unexpected big bills, I think dh has decided he's gonna cash in his life insurance. I think its stupid but am trying to not pick a fight, afterall it is his policy. even if cashing it in means only getting half or so of what he's paid in the last 10 yrs. With things the way they are right now, I'm just kinda trying to pick my battles. Seeing Kate on tv last night made me see the kind of wife I don't want to be. I am NOT a victim. I don't want to be seen as a victim.

We went out with friends on their boat this last Saturday in celebration(if you will) of our 9th wedding anniversary. It was strange, I didn't think we'd be spending the day together but said friends kind of set this up for us, trying to get us back together or whatever. I know people mean well but I'm not a big fan of the butting in. Spending time with him, with them there as well, on the boat was good. It was comfortable, not strange feeling like it would have been if we spent the day apart, or together alone.

DH has been talking a lot about future plans. This bothers me for 2 reasons. first, I'm not as certain as he seems to be about our future plans and second, I'm a much better rein taker than he. Maybe this is part of his transformation, he's trying to be more open, which i appreciate but I'm not sure how I feel about him planning trips for us,etc. And he's talked about doing some of the remodeling I had mentioned before(you know before it all went south). I'm not sure where our marriage is at, nor where it will be at in the times to come so I'm not really on board with spending money on a home that we currently share. maybe i should just jump in with both feet, give in but this feels safer to me. I have low expectations, that way just in case, I won't get hurt again.

Since the m/c, I have made huge strides in many ways. Most days I'm ok with the changes life has brought my way in terms of my plans and the actuality of infertility. But once in a while, for seemingly no reason, I seem to fall into a deep depression. I grieve for the loss, I grieve for the acceptance I can't seem to find, I grieve over the realization and I want peace. I want it so desperately. Normally, these episodes seem to pass quickly, only lasting maybe one night of sobbing. But boy does it suck when it hits.

Off to start dinner. I think we're having orange glazed baked chicken and rice and baked potatoes that dh dug up this morning before heading to work. I may make something for dessert, i've got a sweet tooth today.

realization #5 million and 68

After being with my mom this evening in wal mart and listening to her chit chat with an old friend she ran in to, it dawned on me as she was bragging to this lady about my nephew, I'll never do that. I'll never say "my grandkids blah blah blah". Now, I've gotten really used to answering the questions about not having children and I always figured that was just a part of life, like maybe people would quit asking once they assumed I was beyond child bearing years?? I'm not really sure what I thought but now I realize, this is a life long thing. Once they quit asking me if I have kids, then it will be "how many grandkids do you have?" Followed by them showing me pictures of all thier grandkids. Then I started thinking about my funeral, I guesss they'll just skip over the part of listing any survivors. Anywho, its not a sad thing, even if it sounds like a pity party, its just a realization.

Another realization, and I told h(no longer dh) this the other day, I don't want to be married to him anymore if it doesn't change. Not at all. I miss him, I love him like mad, but I simply haven't been happily married for over a good year now. Granted, it isn't always gonna be rainbows and butterflies BUT to not be happy for over a year in a marriage? That simply isn't right. Life is plain and simple too short to not be happy. And no one else can provide that for you, its something you have to find for yourself. He hasn't been happy either. We do still want to try to make it work, but not at the expense of an unfulfilled unhappy life. At this stage, we're just cooling off I guess. We've been talking daily but its so hard for him to open up and communicate with me. I try to encourage him but its just so tiring. I end up letting my temper flair and getting angry. Afterall, I'm not aksing for the unthinkable. I just want him to tell me how he feels, what he wants. Its sad that its so hard for him. And sad that I'm so hot headed towards him, and so impatient. I have to keep working on that, for sure.

quick post on the garden

in case anyone was wondering i just find it easier to focus my writings on this at the moment rather than my failing marraige. so, humor me ok?

today i awoke to stare out the bedroom window and what did i see? MORNING GLORYS! Yay! I feel so accomplished! So, I thought I had better take a closer look, I found 3 beautiful bloomed buds on the recently purchased canna. i love cannas, so tropical looking. i glanced to the north, under a mulched oak tree, ta da, more cannas are up. This floored me since I knew I had planted 3 or 4 bare root canna bulbs but it was so long ago, i couldn't remember where i had planted them. i was a bit upset thinking that surely enough time had passed, they should be up by now. well, they are, 3 to be exact. i don't even care if they bloom, lol. i've got more day lilies that i planted later than the first ones that are now in full bloom with shoots, so soon, they will be blooming also. its all making me feel better since the lilac bush had to be taken out, and the hydrangeas died. just when i was starting to think i had a black thumb, lol. a LOT of my annuals are looking bad. we had a bad couple of days with storms, heavy rain and big hail last night so i'm not sure if they will come back to anything or not. i moved my newly planted hostas to the front of the house this evening, realizing where i planted them was far too sunny.

I walked up to FILs this evening and helped him pick seconds on broccoli, a ton of cucumbers and zucchini. the deer got the second bunch of planted green beans so i helped him stake some pie tins. the reflection and movement of them in the wind scares the deer off. i'll have to get pics of his masses of gardens, and maybe a couple of my morning glorys!

oh- rock garden and stone walkway, I am proud to say are finally done! I am so happy, and so sore. Oh, for anyone planning on doing much digging, I have one word for you-GLOVES. Sometimes being a tom boy sucks, I think I feel tougher than I actually am. I ended up getting my hair cut and doing a parrafin wax hand dip, followed by applying 'working hands" lotion before bed and wearing gloves to bed. At least I didn't end up with the blisters that were trying to come up after digging.

when to take care of myself...

Not sure if I've mentioned it here or not but I've got a 19 y/o cousin who is pg. She has been shunned from the family pretty much over the past couple of years due to her problems with drugs,alchohol, men, run ins with the law,etc. Through it all, I've tried (and succeeded a lot of the time) in helping her resolve her various and sometimes self induced problems.

Now call me jealous or whatever but I simply can't help her with this. I tried, I really did but I can't listen to her ramble on and on about how lousy her boyfriend is(he is). Or about how she doesn't want to get fat,etc. A couple of days ago, she called 3 times within a matter of 5 minutes. I just didn't feel able to help her out of her current jam, and being stressed with my own problems at home and with work, I didn't answer. Not once of the 3 times. I finally returned her calls to find out what was new, telling her right away that I'd have to keep it short since I was still at work. The reason for her calls was to complain to me about how her BF won't help her with anything around the house when afterall she's"the one who has to carry the baby". I felt my face getting red and I swear my BP must have went through the roof. I found myself getting madder and madder with each word she uttered. Finally, I just cut her off and flat out told her I have my own freaking life that I need to focus on rather than listen to her constant nonstop blubbering about the latest crap she's gotten herself into. And I hung up, just like that.

This is where I'd like to point out that the excuse of "i'm the one who has to carry the baby-not him" is the stupidest thing i've ever heard in my life. Ummm, yeah you have to carry the baby, you've got the equipment. I hate to point out the obvious but what an ignorant thing to say- like he has the ability to carry the baby?!? Ummm, no.

The strange thing of all of this for me is I feel no remorse, none whatsoever. we've always been more like sisters than cousins. Me playing the role of the older more stable sister willing to do anything I can to help her clean up her life,etc. I gave and gave and gave and she...well, she took. And you know what? I'm tired. And I refuse to listen to her rants about how she "has to carry this baby". Well you poor little ungrateful bitch! You had unprotected sex with a loser who has admitted to cheating on you several times in the past, he has stole from you, took your car for a one week trip without asking and brought it back damaged and YOU had to keep letting him come back-against my advice. Well, you're stuck this time. I can't help, and even if I could, I'm not gonna.

To understand the "big deal" about all of this for me, to know just how incredible it is that I haven't called her to beg forgiveness, to apologize to her (for her being an ass to me), knowing what I've been through, you've got to know a bit about the past. A quick run down of the past 3 yrs with her and myself: I have bailed her out of jail twice, picked her up from bars in the middle of the night more times than I can count, "loaned"(is it called a loan if it never gets pd back) her over $2000, checked her into 2 differnt clinics and been there for her either in person or via telephone 24/7 for the last 2 and a half years. I have changed plans, came back from vacation for her early due to some sort of "crisis" or another,even let her live with us rent free on and off for a time. All of those times I was hoping to make a differnce, help her. Now I am able to see that she plain and simple took advantage of me. And I'm just done. Time to take care of me, she's a big girl now and has to figure it out on her own....Did I mention she knows my ttc history, she knows about the m/c, the recent trouble with dh and I? And she still has the nerve to call me and complain about her relationship with the loser BF, and being pg. Being "the one who has to carry the baby". If she would have been standing in front of me, I think I could have punched her. seriously.

I feel good. like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Life really is what you make of it, at least some of the time. I'm not holding anyones hand. Not anymore. Life is hard enough without having to try to fix someone elses broken pieces.

one other recent bit of news on the dh front, he offically moved out, taking more with him this last time than before. I'm doing ok. well, most of the time. Its strange our 9 yr anniversary is coming up the 20th of this month. Looks like we won't be doing the usual anniversary dinner. I don't know where we really stand. I mean I know we're seperated but I don't know if he intends to file for divorce or what. We're both just cooling off right now. He missed our last therapy appt that I took off of work to attend, without so much as a phonecall. That to me said he is done trying. I am of course hurt. Still hopeful that things will work out I guess. I don't want to be divorced. I'm supposed to be happily married.

update on the garden

Its been a long while since I've really mentioned my gardening. For anyone not interested in the whole gardening thing(or hearing me gloat), you should probally pass this one up as I feel like dedicating these few minutes intirely to bragging on my garden.

I think normal people spend time outside sitting on their deck, resting, perhaps? I've always been a busy bee and not much of a watcher, but rather a do-er. I can't believe that this is the first year I've given gardening a try. I freaking love it, even the de-weeding. Granted, theres not a whole lot going on out there right now but by next spring and summer, it should be wonderful. To date, off the top of my head since early this spring I have planted:many tulip bulbs, hyacinths, naked ladies,daffodils,2 burning bushes(one of which accidently got mowed over), a lilac bush(which doesn't seem to be doing overly well), a hydrangea which is in its prime and beautiful. Also planted, garden mums,butterfly weed, dianthus, delphinium, shasta daisy, autumn joy sedums, geraniums, hostas, 2 generic rose bushes, only one of which I think has the possibility of surviving, and a double knock out rose which is doing wonderfully. Not to be forgotten, more recently, bachelor buttons, morning glorys,coxy comb, and marigolds. I purchased 2 hanging baskets 1-wax begonia and the others name escaping me at the moment. Other annuals as well including coleus,dusty miller,impatiens(both new guinea and standards)petunias and pansys(altho the pansys are all but dead despite my constant attention paying),pink salvia,mums, red eyed verbena and zinnia(both at the top of my list so far for taking care of themselves nicely), vinca...I am certain there must be more but its escaping me at the moment. OH! The daylilies which I planted early this spring, they have gotten massive and appear they will bloom later this summer. And we finally got the ground in front tilled up and planted probally 20 packets of seeds, everything from ground cover to widlflower mix to huge sunflower seeds. We'll see what happens. I've already gotten some bulbs to plant for the fall, and am going to try to get a start off of FILs old fashioned rose bush to plant on the outside front of the house between the office window and the bedroom window on the east side.

You know what I've gotten from all of this? A wonderful sense of achievement. Its amazing what having a true hobby has given to me. Its something I look forward to, coming home, taking care of all of the plants and flowers. Maybe its fulfilling a motherly 'need to nurture' sense within me. I don't know. I just love pulling up the house, seeing how awesome it looks on the outside. Other than the planting and tending, I've also undergone huge landscaping projects. Sometimes I think maybe I've bitten off more than I can chew, mostly with the heavy lifting but thats what men are for, right? We have the rock garden out back, I've got stepping stones going from the back steps to back there with a nice little patio set and some torches. I guess my biggest problem is I'd rather do something than actually go back there and set and relax. We've still got the stone walkway to finish up in front but for that I need more weed barrier and sand. I'm quite ready to get that done, I'm tired of the eye sore.

So, what do I do in my spare time? Well I help DH and FIL in the veg. garden. We've been getting all of the lettuce, radishes and onions we can stand to eat and share. As of today, zucchini. Within the next week, cucumbers and very soon, a good crop of tomatoes(over 2000 plants-yes 3 zeros). DH brought me some potatoes he dug today. I freaking love fresh from the garden goodies. It simply can't be beaten! Last week, on my day off I helped my mom "work up" 8 gallons of strawberrys. Tomorrow(my day off again), I'm helping her make blackberry jam and strawberry perserves. YUMMMMMMMMMM

And now, well I'm tired. Hope I didn't bore my small audience too badly. nitey nite

how funny...

I just re-read my last post. How funny that I have problems opening up to a therapist but can freely post online with no problems or fear of being judged. I'm certain it must be for the most part that its just simply to not give a crap about what people whom will most likely never meet me IRL will think of me. But I suspect there may be more to it than just that alone. I'll have to give it some thought.

I have tons of new news I could post, lots going on but time as usual just doesn't permit so this too shall be a short catch up blog.

Things with DH are still somewhat shakey. I find myself almost fantasizing what my life would be like it we would have never married. Now mind you, he IS a good dh-or at least I want to believe that but something has been lacking, obviously. Some sort of need must not be getting met. Its not like I just wonder what my life would be like, its more like a yearning to be single. He came and rescued me at a time in my life that I believed I wanted to be rescued, when really, I needed to find myself, rather than try to mold myself into some sort of trophy wife. And I believe due to that, due to the desperate attempts on my behalf to be the "right" type of wife, well I got even further and further from sorting my true self out. I lost contact with most of my friends-they were still wild and crazy. I was a married women....who forced myself to grow up too soon. And then theres the whole other side to the story, the part of me that loves him so desperately, that I feel I can't life without him. Almost like an addiction. In any event, I am certain that one way or another, things will be ok. It has to be. To an extent, its quite out of my control, and I like that, letting go of the control. Things not being my fault, but rather fate.

In other news, I've been working very hard on all aspects of my life, both physically and emotionally. I feel wonderful. content. I'm finally doing some things to control my sugar levels, even if its just small things like cutting wayyyyy back on the sweet tea,etc. My bp had been giving me trouble as well so I've been trying to keep that in check as well and feeling pro active in trying to take care of myself once again. Granted, I haven't lost any real weight to speak of, but weight doesn't neccasiarly point to health. Eating healthy is more important than a number on a scale, right? The emotional stuff, well its just old baggage that a less mature me just couldn't work through. I didn't know how, so I sorta stuck it away. Its strange when you begin really reminiscing about the past, the things that surface. Its almost like living it again sometimes, it feels that fresh and new. I still have zero desire to patch things up with my dad, I just don't want him in my life at this point but I've been wanting to call him and talk to him, and tell him I forgive him. I believe I used to feel as if he were an alchoholic by choice. More recently, I have tried to not judge him so harshly, partly due to my memories from young childhood. Memories of being daddys girl, good times. It had been so easy to throw those older, good memories away in favor for the more recent, more hurtful bad memories. I don't believe he really changed, I believe he fell victim to a terrible disease that had more control over him than he had control over it, and that changed who he was. In looking at it in that aspect, I can forgive him. I would want him to know if something were to happen to him, I'd want him to die knowing that I still remember the good old days, and that I forgive him for the bad days.

Looking at the time, I've gotta get in bed. I've got a very early appt with the vet tomorrow to get truckers pred. shot, followed by a 12 hr work day, followed by needed to de-weed the garden and some yard work, time permitting. Re: Trucker--Poor babys allergies are driving him insane. He scratches and chews on himself so much, he's getting a few tiny bald spots and red splotches. I know he's mierable. The vet has suggested in the past that its part food allergy related and partiallly grass related since it worsens so much this time of year. I'm not a fan of the whole steroid thing-but I can't watch him and not do anything knowing he's in pain, not if theres anything in my power I can do to relieve it.

I may not know what i want

....at least not all of the time. but. i know what i want part of the time. and i know who i am and what i stand for all of the time. i guess that has to be enough...most of the time.

I have been insanely busy with work,gardening and graduation partys and ceramonys. All in all, life is good right now. if i had the time and energy right now, i'd do a well written blog about everything going on, truckers latest antics,gardening, my most recent issues with higher than norm BP and my latest blood sugar problems(i'm writing this out for myself in case your wondering so that i'll remember in upcoming blogs to write about these poi's)

dh and i are going to therapy later this week. i so dont want to tell our problems to a stranger. i would feel so....judged

more to come...soon i hope

FINALLY!! A breakthrough

So DH called me at work today wanting to know if he could come over tonight and talk. I of course agreed. It went really really well, I'm happy to say. He basically wanted to know where we go from here,phew, I'm glad I wasn't the only one wondering. I was as honest as I could be considering the state of mind I've been in, and as confused about it all as I have been. I told him I missed him but that things have got to change or it will never work. He agreed. At a friends advice, I told him what I needed and wanted and then done something I'm not sure I've ever thought to do before(more about this in a sec)---I asked him what he wanted and needed. Wow-I know your thinking how could she be so cold hearted to not even ask her dh what he needs or wants. Well to those of you, all I can tell you is that its very easy when your S.O is as passive as mine. When you know the answer is gonna be a shrug or a 'I dunno-whatever you want'(in a tone as if you'd just asked what we should have for dinner), well its quite easy to just not ask. I get tired of asking questions that I know what the answer will be before the question leaves my mouth so I have just learned over the years to quit wasting my breath. The point to asking even if you know the answer is so that the other person feels they have some sort of say, its to be considerate. Even if the answer is 'I dunno' or some other blow off, its in the ASKING that is powerful. See, I've pretty much tried to take control of the relationship, its just easier that way since I'm agressive and dh is quite passive. At least I can admit this and take the blame for it. DH also admitted tho that he let me take the reins, he allowed it. Maybe its some form of cop out, laziness,whatever.

In any event, dh openly shared a lot of the responsibility of problems. One of the big ones is our nearly non existant sex life. I had actually pretty much laid all the blame on myself for that one. Since starting celexa, plus weight gain, plus 2 jobs, stress, well I just didn't care one way or another weather it happened. Actually I did have a preferance, I perferred it didn't happen. Thats probally the worst kind of rejection a man can face. DH summed it up to himself that it was because he was unable to find a job, that I was disappointed in him, angry with him, he thought I thought he was a loser, so he quit trying to get any. I of course took a bit of offense to this, sure it had to have been because I'm so disgustingly fat and ugly(I do feel this way actually a lot of the time). So he was basically confirming what I was thinking/feeling about myself.

Its amazing how comfortable you can get in a marriage. You feel so safe and comfortable that you both can be dealing with the exact same thing and pushing one another away rather than holding on to one another when its needed the most. Similiarly, many things, I never asked dh how he felt, I probally told him how I felt and he tried to do the best to feel the same as me. Not that he's week, he's just not a boat rocker.

One big thing he brought up was the m/c, and how I pushed him away afterwards. I shocked myself by what came out of my mouth. I accused him of not caring, of not being saddened by it. Afterall I never saw not a single tear from him. And, he was at that point "over" ttc. He had come to terms with the fact that we wouldn't have any children. I believe I had thought I had, but I'm not sure you ever can fully come to terms with it, or at least I never got there like he did. It BLEW WE AWAY that I said this-I didn't even know I felt that. I never really expected to see any emotion from him over the m/c but still it hurt that I didn't. You know in looking back, it was one of the hardest things I'd ever been through, and I could have really used him during that time, its still hard a lot of the time. Yet. I pushed him away. again.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about all of it, the pushing him away, and differnt things and I can see a pattern starting from my childhood. Odd little habits that I've carried with me throughout life. I'm not saying I had a shit childhood but it could have been better. I went from being daddys little girl at one point to the place I'm at with my father now-we've barely spoken over the past several years. In highschool, I CRAVED attention from boys(i believed attention was love). If that meant the entire school believed me to be the biggest slut in school, well at least I stood out from the rest of the girls.


Eeeeks, here I am on a roll and my batterys almost done. I'll try to recharge and finish this after the storm. I would like to end this post by saying things arn't fixed between dh and I, but at least we're getting somewhere. I think with lots more open communication, (and a good therapist wouldn't hurt either I'm sure) that maybe, just maybe we can be happy again. He's not moving back in just yet, we both agreed that would just make things harder for the both of us right now but we are going to dinner tomorrow night- HE MADE THE PLANS-can you believe it??LOL....Who is this man who hasn't made reservations anywhere for at least 5 yrs?!

I miss him so much...

I *SO* want to call him and beg him home. I feel so weak. On the one hand I want him to come home so why fight it but on the other hand I realize it will just go right back to where it was and we weren't happy so why continue with that?

Damn, here I thought I was this strong chick. Totally independent.... I'm nothing.

And so it goes...

DH and I had dinner last night. It went ok. We still haven't really touched on the subject of whats next(perhaps tap danced around). The truth is that he seems happy. How selfish am I to hope that he'll be miserable without me? But when I reallllllllllly think about it, I realize I haven't been any sort of fun to live with for the most part-since oh.....a couple of years ago now. I just hope that I haven't permently ruined things between us. I don't think I'm completely responsible but I do feel at least mostly responsible for not taking care of our marriage. For letting it be when it needed work the most and for pushing him away when I needed him. I want him back but I'm trying to get to the root of it, WHY I want him back. Is it because I'm crushed that after nearly 9 yrs of marriage, I want to make it work if at all possible-even if making it work is never going to happen? I know I've changed over the years-especially due in part to ttc. Has that change in me made it impossible for him to love me? Do I just want him back because I miss his presence even if I don't miss him-afterall the bed seems empty. No one wants to think about 'what if it doesn't work out' on their wedding day-they just want to believe it WILL work-or at least I did.

He asked if he could have trucker for a couple of days. I of course agreed(trucker has been missing him almost as much as me). He asked about the house, if there was anything he needed to come and do. As much as I want to beg him back, I'm not going to make up things to have him come do. Maybe by asking if theres anything I need for him to do, he's asking if I want him back....Maybe... Which ever way he said he was gonna come by and mow the lawn one day this week-I refused. He's not living here, why should he have to mow?? We both finally agreed he'd wait till my day off and come help me mow-with 2 people and 2 riders its still a 4 hour job--we have a huge yard.

I've been working on lots of outside projects around the house, gardening,etc. trying to keep my mind busy but really more than anything being outside gives me a good chance to get lots of good deep thinking done. I've been doing lots of reflection on my marriage, my inner being, my past and am hoping that it will lead me to an idea of what I truely want for the future.

I'm pretty sure we're in for a big storm again tonight so I had better get out to the car and roll my windows up before it starts.

Happy 'I'm not a mother' day...

And boy do I feel it today. My nephew got me an aunt happy mothers day card. While the sentiment was nice, it stung a bit. All in all, I'm doing well since the m/c but that coupled with the recent status of my marriage plus normal stresses, well it may have been sunny outside today but I felt cloudy and rainy all day. Its strange, I don't desperatly desire to be a mother anymore. I just feel...defeated. Maybe I'm a sore loser--

In any event, tonight was family dinner night. I asked dh to come and he did. Somehow I felt I needed that. In the last week, SIL has called twice to "check on me". The truth is she's trying to make me feel better by trying to side(?) with me. She runs dh down, saying things like "you were always too good for him", and other non helpful-make me want to slap the crap out of her comments about dh. I know she somehow thinks this is what I want to hear. Well, she's dead wrong. I KNOW HIM thanksverymuch. I LOVE HIM thanksverymuch. I kinda see it like this, she's your typical female, wanting to form some kind of sick bond while telling me how much better I can do than my dh. DRAMA,ugghhh. So I was very happy that he agreed to come tonight, I felt I needed him here, to protect me(or maybe to protect her from me). Strange how 2 faced she was, all nicey nice to him.

After everyone left, dh went out to his truck and brought me some flowers in. Its a mixed spring bouquet, very pretty. He explained how he wanted to get them for me since its mothers day(I'm not sure if this refers to the m/c or to trucker or both) but he wanted to do it in private. He made sure to tell me the flowers weren't a 'i'm sorry, i want you back' thing. Definately not that-more of a mothers day gift and thats it(he conveyed this in a round about not so many words kind of way). It was so strange, trying to talk to him, trying to make small talk. We're soooo NOT those type of people-at least not with one another.

I wanted to beg him back, to crawl on my hands and knees, to tell him I could change. To tell him we were made to be with each other forever. Part of me knows that I would be lying or at least unsure if I said all of that so I said nothing. I did say that I missed him. He answered with "me too". I don't know if I miss him so much because my routine is off, he's not here at night or if I miss the idea of living the rest of my life as I wished for so many years. I don't want to beg him back if 1) he doesn't want to be begged back and 2) its out of lonliness. I've got to get figured out what I want before I can go after it. And I've got to get in the right frame of mind to accept the fact that I've been a pretty miserable wife, and he may not want me back. Which leads to a whole 'nother can of worms....... My struggle with men and relationships since childhood-thanks dad. Won't get into that tonight tho-time for bed.

All the mothers get it over and over today so I want to wish all the non-mothers a happy day,even if I am posting this at the end of the day....happy day tomorrow,lol

dh moved out today...

he said he was tired of feeling like he wasn't wanted anymore and tired of me pushing him away. i can't believe this, i feel numb.


numb and unlovable.

smoke coming up from the ground...

Thats what I witnessed this afternoon after a flipping of the main breaker to get the electiricity back on. Come to find out, a rock in the ground had damaged the line that runs from the pole to the garage next to our house. Its been an ongoing thing as I've flipped that breaker 3 times in the last 3 days. Bang! than black smoke pouring out of the ground-talk about things you don't see very often! Our deep freeze is kept out in the garage. And EVERYTHING(steaks and all) had gone bad at this point. So DH and I have been out cleaning out the deep freeze, throwing away everything from chicken breasts to steaks. Talk about a disgusting mess!

Other than that, We've been working on our walkway out front. So far hole is dug, 300 lbs of sand and 4 stones have been laid. Yeah, we're a ways from being completed on this project that like most projects has turned out to be a bigger one than we thought originally. But isn't that life? We need approximately 1000 more pounds of sand and then we'll be set.

Off to shower and finally get some dinner started.

marital stress

So, DH and I have been trying really hard to keep the communication lines open and work on all our problems in the hope of fixing things. I really feel at this point that its just pointless. Its strange, we talk about which of us will leave if it comes to that. I just never thought if it ever came down to this that we would both feel at peace but I think deep deep down, he's as fine with it as I am. I'm not saying I want a divorce or am ok with that idea, but I'm to the point where I think we both would be happier right now with a seperation. I almost feel like I've known this was coming. I'm not in shock or denial, just...mellow. I kind of feel like a weight was been lifted from my shoulders. He's basically passed the ball back to me saying all I have to do is ask and he'll move out "for a while". In a way, I think I'll never be able to ask him of that, like I'd be too afraid of hurting him. I do love him...I don't think either of us are in love anymore.

One of the biggest problems is the lack of communication on his part all these years. I've tried to accept it, just love him and go on but I think over the years its taken a serious toll on me. I've begged many of nights for him to open up to me but its never done any good. He's a closed book, unable to let me in...and it kills me. Throughout all of this, the only thing he says is he misses the old me-well yeah, join the club. I miss the old me too. I will never be the same, mostly due to ttc I believe. It always felt like I was on the journey alone. Even tho we were dealing with both male and female factor IF, it always felt like I was letting him down which was even harder than feeling like I let myself down. Why I felt like that I had no idea because in retrospect, he never seemed to mind too much. I guess the failure of all those years ttc, well I guess I hurt enough for both of us. I'm sure I cried enough tears for the both of us. I don't remember him ever once shedding a single tear. And I'm sure theres some resentment in that aspect. I think he was ready to give up ttc years before me but was just along for the ride so to speak. And I was so wound up in the struggle myself that I didn't see the signs, and of course as usual, he didn't actually tell me he wanted to give up, he never told me anything.

Yeah....I'm sure the resentment is obvious now.


I'm just almost certain that he can't be changed, that he doesn't have a desire to. And I'm just not sure I cna continue giving my all to a relationship when its a one way street. Don't get me wrong, he loves me, he's a fantastic man in more ways than not but maybe the things that seem little, after 9 yrs are beginning to turn into big things. I certainly hope this doesn't come off as a bashing post....oh who am I kidding, its my blog and I don't care what I sound like. Afterall I do it for the therapy.

I never really understood people splitting after so many years together claiming that they grew apart. Now, I almost can't see how 2 people could be together for so long and not grow apart. Its been an "AH_HA' moment in my life for sure. People grow, people change. Not just one person, but both people in a relationship grow and change. And if they are really lucky, its growth and change in the same direction, and if the are adverage everyday normal people, one of them grows and changes at a differnt rate than the other, driving a gap between the path that they once walked together. I really do believe that now.

I never thought this day would come. Ever. It was supposed to be forever. Whats stranger, it doesn't feel bad. I don't want my marraige to end but if I'm being completely honest with myself, I have a gut feeling that may be where things are going. And the fact that I'm eerily at peace with that, well.....its just odd. I guess I thought that if it ever ended, it would be him wanting to leave me and I'd be as in love as the day I said I do and it would tear my heart out. So to feel pretty much ok with the direction things are going, well its just odd. I wish he could tell me for a change what he feels. The truth is I'm not sure he's able to feel. And that is sad.

Eating rainbows and shitting butterflies..

Not yet, but I'm workin on it.

whoever made up that bit about april showers bring may flowers is full of it-and obviously NOT from Misery(missouri). Here, April showers bring may showers. damn rain! i shouldn't complain, we've been free of the usual threats of severe weather for the most part.

something to look forward to, a day off next week and a mini shopping trip,lunch and the movie ghosts of girlfriends past with a friend. its been years since i've been to the movies. i think the last thing i saw on the big screen was wild hogs-a kinda funny motorcycle movie with tim taylor(cant think of his real name-from tool time), john travolta and some other funny guys.

no news on the latest interview for dh...*chews nails while rolling eyes*

trucker is so cool, he learned after being told twice not to go into the garden, now he's helping me keep the cats out of it. if we go out on the porch and they are in it(they think its their litter box,grrr), he barks at them and chases them out, LOL. Good dog. wish cats were as smart-don't get me wrong i love cats too but they don't seem to understand repeated warnings like a dog does.

thats all folks

top 10 2 a.m truths...

I feel like owning up...

1. Sometimes I feel so strange-almost out of body. I'm not who I used to be. I miss myself. My old self.

2. I struggled with severe PTSD from the ages of 10 until....not sure I don't still deal with it often.

3. Starting around the age of 14, I was highly addicted to numerous things that made me numb. While I haven't used drugs in years and am able to keep my alcohol use in check now with no problem, sometimes I long for the feeling of that numbness. I wasn't a stupid kid, I knew everything I done was wrong, BUT I felt like I was punishing myself. And I've always felt I deserved to be punished.

4. I hate the color pink. I can deal with a pink shirt but a pink car or a matching pink outfit...PUKE...Reminds me of pepto bismol!

5. I have serious doubts about the state of my marriage. The spark just seems to be gone. I love him deeply but I don't know that either of us wants to be with the other anymore.

6. re: the state of my marriage- I blame a large part of our troubles on the years of ttc. Funny, everyone else always said it brought them closer together with thier partners. I think it tore us apart.

7. I still dream frequently about my brother who passed away almost 22 yrs ago. I talk to my dead grandpa sometimes and ask him for advice. Luckily, so far he doesn't talk back to me so I think I'm still sane.

8. I think I will always carry guilt with me over the m/c. Try as I may, I simply can't dismiss all the things I had done wrong in the very beginning of that pregnancy. Funny(not haha funny) how all those years I took my temp, wouldn't drink during the 2ww, watched what I ate, etc and then when finally I came to terms with remaining childless, all of that went out the window. Right along with properally monitoring my cycles.

9. I can think of 2 pretty good instances where I made horrible mistakes years ago(bad screw ups) that would be reason enough for me to not have children now. karma's a bitch

10. I have no long term goals. I have no idea what I want in the next 5 yrs. I don't know if I'll still be married then or not, or if I want to be. I don't know if I'll be traveling with the circus as a side show freak which I should be or if I'll be stuck in this itty bitty town. I feel I am worth soooo much more than this. Other times, I don't feel I'm worth the air I breathe.

now....maybe I can sleep. I hope no one feels obligated to reply, mostly i just need to get this crap out and be honest about it. reassurance isn't what i'm looking for here, i just need to be me.