Really, its freaking exhausting. Wouldn't it be easier if we were just here, and say by age 20 knew all we needed to know? Sure, its a neat idea, learning everyday, evolving, the way things change, yadayada yada BUT. Man can it suck sometimes.
I'm finding myself trying to save a marraige I don't know if I want to save or not. I find myself completely discontent with my work. I tell myself I'm worth so much more, I should have been something more. Yeah, I dont love my job. I'm facing something that is fairly new to me, fear. I'm too afraid to do anything about it, to follow my passions. And so I stay.(both the job and maybe my mariage). I'm a big ole scardy cat. I know I'm young, I can always go back to school, start following my dreams,etc...But the fear of failure is there.
I go back and forth on ttc past,non existant present and future. No, we arn't ttc in any way, shape or form(that would be stupid since my marriage is on the rocks). My failure to concieve followed by what felt like my only chance at pregnancy ending in miscarriage are raw spots. It stings sometimes. Its not a constant cut to the quick kind of pain it was during the RE and treatment days, but yeah, when I think I'll never have babies of my own to love, nurture and watch grow. well, it puts a lump in my throat. I get a bit teary. And not entirely for myself, I get sad for anyone whose ever struggled. I think of online friends like Simone, Liss, Daisy,Nona and other long time ttc'ers I know irl. All in all, I've come a long ways in the form of acceptance over IF hell. I don't dislike people solely because they have kids nor do I dispise pg women. Perhaps for the first time in my life, I actually see children for what they really are, the whole idea of family. Its all such a miracle, one that so many parents overlook so easily.
I miss the old me. The fearless me. The girl who followed her dreams, believed in herself, was passionate. The girl that had goals. I wish I could turn back time and take that with me from the past so I could have it now.
6 years ago
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(((HUGS))) This is a hard spot to be in. I remember very clearly going through some of these same emotions. All I can say is, it's a process that you have to keep working through. Eventually you will find true happiness. I hope that it comes quickly for you.
ReplyDeleteSigh. I wish there were a magic pill some days. To take away the pain. To show us the future, so we could adjust to what ever was coming up (say: childless forever) and make the right decisions (say: get on with some other project and life focus).
ReplyDeleteBut no. You gotta do it a day at a time, and go through the agony and the grief, and the wondering if you are making the right choices, and the not knowing how it will all turn out. Doesn't seem like a fabulous design to me, this process of life business. I guess it's fine if you have a bed of roses, but not many folk get that.
So, yeah. Sitting with the emotions is the only way through to the other side, and also what will give you the greatest strength of dealing with whatever is ON that other side. You just have to do it. (Sometimes it feels to me like doing time in solitary confinement).
But writing helps get it out, and knowing friends are there for you helps keep you grounded while you go through the tough parts. Thanks for always being here for me. xx