feeling weak...

Lately I find myself feeling week. I read womens blogs who have been through so much more than myself and yet they go on. Everything from countless miscarriages to stillborn births to countless failed IVFs, and sometimes a combination of the above. I watch them in amazement for thier ability to go on. I know there are no real pain olympics, and normally I wouldn't compare apples to oranges but as I see them go on I wonder why I don't have it in me. Did I just never have that kind of drive? I thought I did. I wanted to be a mother more than anything in the world- so much so that I risked my future happiness. I still have a deep desire for motherhood a good portion of the time. But the fears. I am watching women who have been through horrific ordeals repeatedly and yet they are willing to risk their heart being broken again and I literally sit in the back row and watch wondering why I am differnt. I see women who have tried much much longer than the 7 or so years we tried. The strength is inspiring- ok not inspiring enough for me to actually continue ttc but the passion they have for wanting to experience motherhood so badly that they lay their heart on the line continously. Well, I've just never seen anything like it. Its amazing!

Speaking of fears. I am overwelmed with them. I fear my marriage failing again, only not to be able to recover next time. I fear never being pg again. I fear being pg again. I fear lonliness, I fear miscarriage. I fear never being a mother and I fear my drive and desire for such are not sufficent enough to prove to myself that I'd be any good at it. I fear for my sanity if any of the above fears come true. Yep, I'm just a big ole fraidy cat :(