Not sure if I've mentioned it here or not but I've got a 19 y/o cousin who is pg. She has been shunned from the family pretty much over the past couple of years due to her problems with drugs,alchohol, men, run ins with the law,etc. Through it all, I've tried (and succeeded a lot of the time) in helping her resolve her various and sometimes self induced problems.
Now call me jealous or whatever but I simply can't help her with this. I tried, I really did but I can't listen to her ramble on and on about how lousy her boyfriend is(he is). Or about how she doesn't want to get fat,etc. A couple of days ago, she called 3 times within a matter of 5 minutes. I just didn't feel able to help her out of her current jam, and being stressed with my own problems at home and with work, I didn't answer. Not once of the 3 times. I finally returned her calls to find out what was new, telling her right away that I'd have to keep it short since I was still at work. The reason for her calls was to complain to me about how her BF won't help her with anything around the house when afterall she's"the one who has to carry the baby". I felt my face getting red and I swear my BP must have went through the roof. I found myself getting madder and madder with each word she uttered. Finally, I just cut her off and flat out told her I have my own freaking life that I need to focus on rather than listen to her constant nonstop blubbering about the latest crap she's gotten herself into. And I hung up, just like that.
This is where I'd like to point out that the excuse of "i'm the one who has to carry the baby-not him" is the stupidest thing i've ever heard in my life. Ummm, yeah you have to carry the baby, you've got the equipment. I hate to point out the obvious but what an ignorant thing to say- like he has the ability to carry the baby?!? Ummm, no.
The strange thing of all of this for me is I feel no remorse, none whatsoever. we've always been more like sisters than cousins. Me playing the role of the older more stable sister willing to do anything I can to help her clean up her life,etc. I gave and gave and gave and she...well, she took. And you know what? I'm tired. And I refuse to listen to her rants about how she "has to carry this baby". Well you poor little ungrateful bitch! You had unprotected sex with a loser who has admitted to cheating on you several times in the past, he has stole from you, took your car for a one week trip without asking and brought it back damaged and YOU had to keep letting him come back-against my advice. Well, you're stuck this time. I can't help, and even if I could, I'm not gonna.
To understand the "big deal" about all of this for me, to know just how incredible it is that I haven't called her to beg forgiveness, to apologize to her (for her being an ass to me), knowing what I've been through, you've got to know a bit about the past. A quick run down of the past 3 yrs with her and myself: I have bailed her out of jail twice, picked her up from bars in the middle of the night more times than I can count, "loaned"(is it called a loan if it never gets pd back) her over $2000, checked her into 2 differnt clinics and been there for her either in person or via telephone 24/7 for the last 2 and a half years. I have changed plans, came back from vacation for her early due to some sort of "crisis" or another,even let her live with us rent free on and off for a time. All of those times I was hoping to make a differnce, help her. Now I am able to see that she plain and simple took advantage of me. And I'm just done. Time to take care of me, she's a big girl now and has to figure it out on her own....Did I mention she knows my ttc history, she knows about the m/c, the recent trouble with dh and I? And she still has the nerve to call me and complain about her relationship with the loser BF, and being pg. Being "the one who has to carry the baby". If she would have been standing in front of me, I think I could have punched her. seriously.
I feel good. like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Life really is what you make of it, at least some of the time. I'm not holding anyones hand. Not anymore. Life is hard enough without having to try to fix someone elses broken pieces.
one other recent bit of news on the dh front, he offically moved out, taking more with him this last time than before. I'm doing ok. well, most of the time. Its strange our 9 yr anniversary is coming up the 20th of this month. Looks like we won't be doing the usual anniversary dinner. I don't know where we really stand. I mean I know we're seperated but I don't know if he intends to file for divorce or what. We're both just cooling off right now. He missed our last therapy appt that I took off of work to attend, without so much as a phonecall. That to me said he is done trying. I am of course hurt. Still hopeful that things will work out I guess. I don't want to be divorced. I'm supposed to be happily married.
6 years ago
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My sister isn't as bad as your cousin but she is a TERRIBLE mess. And I have always been there to bail her out. Only just veeeery recently have I begun to tell her "No" sometimes. I just can't take her constant neediness and never getting anything back. This friday, while I was bleeding out whatever was left of my little embies, my sis called to ask "Watcha doin this weekend?" I responded "Why, are you going to try to pawn your kids off on me?" She says "No, I just thought you hadn't seen them in a while and might miss them." I said "Uh, infertile people having miscarriages aren't usually in the mood to hang out with other people's kids. In addition, I can barely take care of myself right now, much less someone else." She was like "Ok, well that's fine but I just thought I would check since it has been sooooo long since you've seen them." (Since early May before we left for Cali for the IVF.) I had to explain that my plans for the evening involved drowning in a bottle of wine and Vicodin before she got the picture.
ReplyDelete"I don't want to be divorced." I said this many, many, many times!