I'm rather enjoying blogging

Really. I think its probally pretty healthy to release without worry of judgement. I find myself able to type things that I'd otherwise hold inside.

I haven't cried for 2 and a half days. It feels amazing. I was getting so tired of that feeling, you know how you feel after you've cried. And the puffy eyes, ick.

Today was good, I only had to work the one main job and for 6 hrs, then came home and de-weeded the garden. This is where I found out just how much the cats have been using it as their own little potty. Bitches!!

Went for a nice long walk with Trucker, cleaned out the file cabinet, putting taxes up,etc. I shredded taxes from clear back in 92!! Then, not being able to decide what we wanted for dinner, DH wisked me away to town for pizza. A real treat since we rarely eat out anymore due to financial reasons. And so it goes, now I'm just chillin' out. Doesn't seem I get the chance to really just hang out much anymore so I'm enjoying it.

In my recent journey for self improvement and making myself happy(I've finally realized no one can do that for me, its all up to me), I've came to the decision that while not thrilled in my married life, its ok. That worries me tho. Granted, we got married when I was 18, I realize now that I was probally too young to make such a big decision. I'm just wondering if this is normal. This feeling of not being crazy in love and thrilled to spend the rest of your life with someone. I'm not unhappy either, just....ok? Things arn't bad. Its just not like I imagained it would be. I asked DH if he's happy in our marraige and he said "of course". But I know him too well, I KNOW he wouldn't tell me, even if he felt doomed. He then shot the question back to me. I ignored him. I keep thinking what a fantastic man he is, would never lift a finger to me,etc. But then I think of his shortcomings. I remember how he used to tell me daily how beautiful I was, how lucky he felt to have me be his wife. I can't remember the last time I've gotten more than a simple "love you" at bedtime. There is never any pillow talk. We just lay here watching tv until one of us turns our back to the other. I do believe he still loves me, and I know I love him. I think how I would feel if something happened to him, you know bad accident and he died(warped huh?), and I know I would be miserable without him. So maybe thats my reassurance that we should still be together.

Our sex life isn't great and I blame that partially on me, and my dwindeling drive since beginning Celexa, and the fact that I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin. I don't feel sexy.Ever. I think DH has just gotten tired of asking, he's tired of being turned down. And, I'm tired a lot. Working 2 jobs, most nights it just seems like the effort isn't worth it. And of course, with the m/c still so recent, it hasn't really been possible or on either of our minds.

Maybe we're just in a rut. Maybe there is no happily ever after. Maybe I need to put forth more effort. Maybe we both do. I know marriage takes work and to be honest, I can see neither of us really works at it like we should. I don't want to mess up a good thing. Notice I said good thing. Not great. Maybe good is as good as it gets?