virgin blogger

I've fought it as long as possible. I've finally figured out I need an outlet, for the good the bad and the ugly. Unfortunately, right now, its all mostly ugly. I got one of those emails recently, you know the ones you answer with your own thoughts and then send on? Well, one of the questions was about my biggest fear. The very first thing that came to my mind was "I caused my m/c". I immediatly went about reassuring myself that no, I wasn't responsible for the loss but have since recieving that email, been questioning myself about it. Alot, actually. I worry that the celexa I'm taking was the culprit, I worry that I wasn't on a prenatal, I worry that I had got insanely drunk 2 weeks prior to finding out I was pg(in looking back I'm sure I would have tested + at that time-I had to be 6 weeks+ by the time I got a +hpt). I worry that I don't eat right, that I don't have my IR under control. While I KNOW crack heads get pg at the drop of a hat when not even wanting to, I still feel very very guilty. I think "if only I would have known sooner" or "if only.......". I could have done this, or this, or that. After so long of ttc, we really had began to come to terms with living a childless life, so we did nothing to prevent. Now, I feel foolish,and guilty. This is really eating at me, I've got to find some way to just let it be instead of my usual running myself down on the inside. I can't hold on to this, it is what it is. But somehow, in the back of my mind, the guilt lingers. I even dream about it. The scariest one was last night, I dreamed that someone came to my home, handed me a newborn baby which I took into our home, brought into my bedroom and laid the baby on the bed. Then I turned my back and left while the baby screamed and cried. I just turned my back on that child, and left the room. Symbolic or am I really losing it? Probally a little bit of both.

I've always been like this. When we were seeing the REs, my biggest fear was having all tests ran only to be told that they don't know why I can't get pg. To me, that would have been the worst diagnosis, not knowing what to do because you don't know what the cause is. I guess thats the same conflict that I'm having now. I so desperately wnat to know whats the purpose of this loss. Why after so long of trying were we given this wonderful miracle only to have it taken from me? Like in the early days of ttc, I blame myself. I can't help it. I have self esteem, I am great at motivating others, cheering them on in their struggles but myself, it seems I always turn my struggles inward, and blame myself. I know it can't be healthy but being realistic, nothing was ideal when we found out I was pg. So why do I feel like this? Why do I hate myself and deep deep down feel responsible? Because I am?