top 10 2 a.m truths...

I feel like owning up...

1. Sometimes I feel so strange-almost out of body. I'm not who I used to be. I miss myself. My old self.

2. I struggled with severe PTSD from the ages of 10 until....not sure I don't still deal with it often.

3. Starting around the age of 14, I was highly addicted to numerous things that made me numb. While I haven't used drugs in years and am able to keep my alcohol use in check now with no problem, sometimes I long for the feeling of that numbness. I wasn't a stupid kid, I knew everything I done was wrong, BUT I felt like I was punishing myself. And I've always felt I deserved to be punished.

4. I hate the color pink. I can deal with a pink shirt but a pink car or a matching pink outfit...PUKE...Reminds me of pepto bismol!

5. I have serious doubts about the state of my marriage. The spark just seems to be gone. I love him deeply but I don't know that either of us wants to be with the other anymore.

6. re: the state of my marriage- I blame a large part of our troubles on the years of ttc. Funny, everyone else always said it brought them closer together with thier partners. I think it tore us apart.

7. I still dream frequently about my brother who passed away almost 22 yrs ago. I talk to my dead grandpa sometimes and ask him for advice. Luckily, so far he doesn't talk back to me so I think I'm still sane.

8. I think I will always carry guilt with me over the m/c. Try as I may, I simply can't dismiss all the things I had done wrong in the very beginning of that pregnancy. Funny(not haha funny) how all those years I took my temp, wouldn't drink during the 2ww, watched what I ate, etc and then when finally I came to terms with remaining childless, all of that went out the window. Right along with properally monitoring my cycles.

9. I can think of 2 pretty good instances where I made horrible mistakes years ago(bad screw ups) that would be reason enough for me to not have children now. karma's a bitch

10. I have no long term goals. I have no idea what I want in the next 5 yrs. I don't know if I'll still be married then or not, or if I want to be. I don't know if I'll be traveling with the circus as a side show freak which I should be or if I'll be stuck in this itty bitty town. I feel I am worth soooo much more than this. Other times, I don't feel I'm worth the air I breathe.

now....maybe I can sleep. I hope no one feels obligated to reply, mostly i just need to get this crap out and be honest about it. reassurance isn't what i'm looking for here, i just need to be me.