My last blog was about how I've felt pressure from others. Well now I think I can count myself amongst the ranks of the rest of the world. I don't know whats next. And I want to know. I'm not ok with feeling things are out of my hands(one would think I would have accepted that LONG ago after all those failed years of ttc). I've always took the idea drilled into me as a kid(you know the one, 'you can be anything you want when you grow up') as literal...and perhaps beyond. So to be faced with things you actually have zero control over....well, its still a hard pill for me to swallow.
Basically, I'm finding myself half wanting to have dh get the big V, and half wanting to save for IVF. I'm just that unsure of what I want and how are you going to go about getting it if you don't even know what your going for?? I cannot wrap my mind around ttc again, I'm afraid it would break me beyond repair emotionally. The idea puts knots in my stomache. I partially feel I want to be a parent, I sometimes desperatly feel like that is "missing" but there are lots of good moments in life that would be difficult or impossible to repeat with the life altering responsibility of parenthood. I definately have a very nurturing maternal instinct that I often feel is unfulfilled. I believe I had felt at peace with the idea of remaining childless, and then those 2 little pink lines. Now, I find myself second guessing. I feel like I finally got close, not close enough but a glimpse. The first "hope" I had felt in a long time, in regards to ttc and becoming a mother.
I look myself in the mirror and think "what are you doing.....what's next"... And the fact that I don't have a clue, that I don't know what I even want for the future. Well, being a control freak, it frightens me. I always wanted to be a young mom. For me, that hasn't changed. Is there still time? Sure. I'm only 27....A few years ago, ideally, I would be done ttc at this point in my life and have my 2-3 kiddos by now. And now, thinking back upon that, the idea almost scares me.
I realize I'm being unpractical. I realize that the m/c is still fresh in my mind and weighing on my heart. I just suddenly feel I must have a plan for the future. I have to know. It feels urgent. It.Can't.Wait. Dh suggested we ttc like we used to, in the beginning. Which in my mind isn't really even trying. Its not going to get us there, buddy, sorry. He thinks since we concieved naturally ONCE after 7 yrs,treatment and failed IUIs, that it might happen again soon(*eyeroll*). In a way, I feel much like I did coming up on around our 2 yr ttc anniversary. By then, it seemed thats all I focused on, ttc. Pondering everything in my life right down to what I ate,drank,etc. Reading up on long term ttc'ers struggles and worrying that we may be headed for the same kind of trouble. See, even the stress of thinking about ttc or ending the journey here and now is stressing me the hell out!
I wish I could push it to the back burner, like I have before. Just shrug it off thinking "if it happens, thats great(all along knowing that the chances were slim to none) and it it doesn't thats ok too". Well guess what, all my burners on the stove are full, something has to be pitched. I have a feeling that within the next year, something big will happen, no idea what but I can't put this on hold that much longer because as long as its on the stove, even on the back burner, its still there. I have to have dreams and focuses for the future.
Damn this yearning to move forward with something-ANYTHING right this second. Damn these feelings.
On a positive note, DH got through orientation with no problem, just waiting on the call for the job to actually begin. On the backside of that, it is a temp position which was not known until the day of orientation. So, technically, he's employed but still looking. Ho Hum
One more positive note, went to bros and SILs today for easter dinner(a day early due to conflicts in scheduale) Weather wonderful, my nephew(and trucker) had a blast egg hunting. Food was great, it was actually a lot of fun. A nice little escape from my crazy mind.
hope everyone has a fantastic easter!!
6 years ago
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I wrestle with this same issue. I can sort of feel that same sense of urgency. I think for many that urgency comes out as a rabid need to get pregnant again. But it is different for people like us. When you were so close to finding peace, and then to be thrown into this tailspin, it really messes things up.
ReplyDeleteMy DH feels the same way. He thinks that since it happened this one time, then maybe our issues are gone or something. Honestly I just want to pretend none of this stuff exists. I am not sure about taking it off the stove completely, but I sure don't want to try or do treatment either. I am only a couple years older than you. I feel like our age is go-time. Do or die. Figure it out while still young. There is too much time to dilly dally. And yet, not enough either.
OK, I realize I gave you no constructive advice and only mirrored back at you. Sorry.
Sometimes, a mirror image is better than advice anyways. Its "nice" to not be alone when your questioning so many things at once. Makes me feel like less of a freak, lol
ReplyDeleteYa know, its strange. Its like I'm just now realizing that all that time I wasn't doing anything, but not avoiding, I wasn't happy afterall. Because while its still an option, even if its one you're not taking advantage of, it IS still there. Your stuck for years in limbo land, trying to figure your future to an extent based on what may happen.*sigh*
thanks for reading.
I often feel torn between the two lives that I could potentially be living. The one life I am happy living child free with DH and spoiling my nieces and nephews to little pieces and bits whenever possible. I fantasize about teaching my going-on-15 year old nephew how to drive.
ReplyDeleteBut then I get those old pangs. Pangs that a lot of the time come out of the blue. Pangs of desperately wanting to be an actual mom, not a "mom-by-proxy" (read: aunt). Though I am crazy grateful that I do have my nieces and nephews. I feel like I get a good bit of the "parenting experience" without being an actual parent. But it's still not the same. My 17 month old niece smiles at me when I enter the room but WOW does she light up when her mommy walks in the room. We both get an adorable reaction from her but it's just not the same. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.
I threw myself harder and heavier into TTC after I miscarried. I felt like the only way to fill that void was to get pregnant right.the.hell.now. thanksverymuch. I know it's a lot different for you. Miscarriage is a terrible experience especially hard on IFers. If it was hard for me -- still actively TTC at the time -- I can only imagine what it has done to you.
Thinking of you lots! ((hugs))
I hear you. I find it tough living in limbo land, and it really is difficult to be blindsided with an unexpected (and failed) pregnancy when you though you were getting to some kind of acceptance. I don't think there is an easy answer to this dilemma - maybe even NO answer! You just do the best you can, moment to moment, and move with the changes. What else is there? Sigh.
ReplyDelete