how funny...

I just re-read my last post. How funny that I have problems opening up to a therapist but can freely post online with no problems or fear of being judged. I'm certain it must be for the most part that its just simply to not give a crap about what people whom will most likely never meet me IRL will think of me. But I suspect there may be more to it than just that alone. I'll have to give it some thought.

I have tons of new news I could post, lots going on but time as usual just doesn't permit so this too shall be a short catch up blog.

Things with DH are still somewhat shakey. I find myself almost fantasizing what my life would be like it we would have never married. Now mind you, he IS a good dh-or at least I want to believe that but something has been lacking, obviously. Some sort of need must not be getting met. Its not like I just wonder what my life would be like, its more like a yearning to be single. He came and rescued me at a time in my life that I believed I wanted to be rescued, when really, I needed to find myself, rather than try to mold myself into some sort of trophy wife. And I believe due to that, due to the desperate attempts on my behalf to be the "right" type of wife, well I got even further and further from sorting my true self out. I lost contact with most of my friends-they were still wild and crazy. I was a married women....who forced myself to grow up too soon. And then theres the whole other side to the story, the part of me that loves him so desperately, that I feel I can't life without him. Almost like an addiction. In any event, I am certain that one way or another, things will be ok. It has to be. To an extent, its quite out of my control, and I like that, letting go of the control. Things not being my fault, but rather fate.

In other news, I've been working very hard on all aspects of my life, both physically and emotionally. I feel wonderful. content. I'm finally doing some things to control my sugar levels, even if its just small things like cutting wayyyyy back on the sweet tea,etc. My bp had been giving me trouble as well so I've been trying to keep that in check as well and feeling pro active in trying to take care of myself once again. Granted, I haven't lost any real weight to speak of, but weight doesn't neccasiarly point to health. Eating healthy is more important than a number on a scale, right? The emotional stuff, well its just old baggage that a less mature me just couldn't work through. I didn't know how, so I sorta stuck it away. Its strange when you begin really reminiscing about the past, the things that surface. Its almost like living it again sometimes, it feels that fresh and new. I still have zero desire to patch things up with my dad, I just don't want him in my life at this point but I've been wanting to call him and talk to him, and tell him I forgive him. I believe I used to feel as if he were an alchoholic by choice. More recently, I have tried to not judge him so harshly, partly due to my memories from young childhood. Memories of being daddys girl, good times. It had been so easy to throw those older, good memories away in favor for the more recent, more hurtful bad memories. I don't believe he really changed, I believe he fell victim to a terrible disease that had more control over him than he had control over it, and that changed who he was. In looking at it in that aspect, I can forgive him. I would want him to know if something were to happen to him, I'd want him to die knowing that I still remember the good old days, and that I forgive him for the bad days.

Looking at the time, I've gotta get in bed. I've got a very early appt with the vet tomorrow to get truckers pred. shot, followed by a 12 hr work day, followed by needed to de-weed the garden and some yard work, time permitting. Re: Trucker--Poor babys allergies are driving him insane. He scratches and chews on himself so much, he's getting a few tiny bald spots and red splotches. I know he's mierable. The vet has suggested in the past that its part food allergy related and partiallly grass related since it worsens so much this time of year. I'm not a fan of the whole steroid thing-but I can't watch him and not do anything knowing he's in pain, not if theres anything in my power I can do to relieve it.