DH and I had dinner last night. It went ok. We still haven't really touched on the subject of whats next(perhaps tap danced around). The truth is that he seems happy. How selfish am I to hope that he'll be miserable without me? But when I reallllllllllly think about it, I realize I haven't been any sort of fun to live with for the most part-since oh.....a couple of years ago now. I just hope that I haven't permently ruined things between us. I don't think I'm completely responsible but I do feel at least mostly responsible for not taking care of our marriage. For letting it be when it needed work the most and for pushing him away when I needed him. I want him back but I'm trying to get to the root of it, WHY I want him back. Is it because I'm crushed that after nearly 9 yrs of marriage, I want to make it work if at all possible-even if making it work is never going to happen? I know I've changed over the years-especially due in part to ttc. Has that change in me made it impossible for him to love me? Do I just want him back because I miss his presence even if I don't miss him-afterall the bed seems empty. No one wants to think about 'what if it doesn't work out' on their wedding day-they just want to believe it WILL work-or at least I did.
He asked if he could have trucker for a couple of days. I of course agreed(trucker has been missing him almost as much as me). He asked about the house, if there was anything he needed to come and do. As much as I want to beg him back, I'm not going to make up things to have him come do. Maybe by asking if theres anything I need for him to do, he's asking if I want him back....Maybe... Which ever way he said he was gonna come by and mow the lawn one day this week-I refused. He's not living here, why should he have to mow?? We both finally agreed he'd wait till my day off and come help me mow-with 2 people and 2 riders its still a 4 hour job--we have a huge yard.
I've been working on lots of outside projects around the house, gardening,etc. trying to keep my mind busy but really more than anything being outside gives me a good chance to get lots of good deep thinking done. I've been doing lots of reflection on my marriage, my inner being, my past and am hoping that it will lead me to an idea of what I truely want for the future.
I'm pretty sure we're in for a big storm again tonight so I had better get out to the car and roll my windows up before it starts.
6 years ago
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I've been reading thru your posts. I have the utmost sympathy for what you're going thru. (Check out my blog entries from summer 2008 if you're curious.) I wish you strength and a happy resolution.
ReplyDeleteRegardless of how things crumble, it is never entirely one person's fault. Partners are for balance. if you were going down down down, it was his job to find out how to help and do it. I think when something like IF happens to a marriage it is easy to blame it for all the problems. Depression makes it easy to see no way out. I think you each probably have a lot of work to do on yourselves before you can put 100% to your marriage.
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