So, DH and I have been trying really hard to keep the communication lines open and work on all our problems in the hope of fixing things. I really feel at this point that its just pointless. Its strange, we talk about which of us will leave if it comes to that. I just never thought if it ever came down to this that we would both feel at peace but I think deep deep down, he's as fine with it as I am. I'm not saying I want a divorce or am ok with that idea, but I'm to the point where I think we both would be happier right now with a seperation. I almost feel like I've known this was coming. I'm not in shock or denial, just...mellow. I kind of feel like a weight was been lifted from my shoulders. He's basically passed the ball back to me saying all I have to do is ask and he'll move out "for a while". In a way, I think I'll never be able to ask him of that, like I'd be too afraid of hurting him. I do love him...I don't think either of us are in love anymore.
One of the biggest problems is the lack of communication on his part all these years. I've tried to accept it, just love him and go on but I think over the years its taken a serious toll on me. I've begged many of nights for him to open up to me but its never done any good. He's a closed book, unable to let me in...and it kills me. Throughout all of this, the only thing he says is he misses the old me-well yeah, join the club. I miss the old me too. I will never be the same, mostly due to ttc I believe. It always felt like I was on the journey alone. Even tho we were dealing with both male and female factor IF, it always felt like I was letting him down which was even harder than feeling like I let myself down. Why I felt like that I had no idea because in retrospect, he never seemed to mind too much. I guess the failure of all those years ttc, well I guess I hurt enough for both of us. I'm sure I cried enough tears for the both of us. I don't remember him ever once shedding a single tear. And I'm sure theres some resentment in that aspect. I think he was ready to give up ttc years before me but was just along for the ride so to speak. And I was so wound up in the struggle myself that I didn't see the signs, and of course as usual, he didn't actually tell me he wanted to give up, he never told me anything.
Yeah....I'm sure the resentment is obvious now.
I'm just almost certain that he can't be changed, that he doesn't have a desire to. And I'm just not sure I cna continue giving my all to a relationship when its a one way street. Don't get me wrong, he loves me, he's a fantastic man in more ways than not but maybe the things that seem little, after 9 yrs are beginning to turn into big things. I certainly hope this doesn't come off as a bashing post....oh who am I kidding, its my blog and I don't care what I sound like. Afterall I do it for the therapy.
I never really understood people splitting after so many years together claiming that they grew apart. Now, I almost can't see how 2 people could be together for so long and not grow apart. Its been an "AH_HA' moment in my life for sure. People grow, people change. Not just one person, but both people in a relationship grow and change. And if they are really lucky, its growth and change in the same direction, and if the are adverage everyday normal people, one of them grows and changes at a differnt rate than the other, driving a gap between the path that they once walked together. I really do believe that now.
I never thought this day would come. Ever. It was supposed to be forever. Whats stranger, it doesn't feel bad. I don't want my marraige to end but if I'm being completely honest with myself, I have a gut feeling that may be where things are going. And the fact that I'm eerily at peace with that, well.....its just odd. I guess I thought that if it ever ended, it would be him wanting to leave me and I'd be as in love as the day I said I do and it would tear my heart out. So to feel pretty much ok with the direction things are going, well its just odd. I wish he could tell me for a change what he feels. The truth is I'm not sure he's able to feel. And that is sad.
6 years ago
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Do you think your "peace" with this could be a lack of emotion due to depression? And maybe this is the way it is for him too?
ReplyDeleteIt's just that you guys sound defeated and dejected. I think individual and couples therapy would work well, but it is so expensive.
I went through a bad patch with DH last year. I am guessing the really bad part lasted about a year, but overall, it was longer than that. I suppose it was a cloud of semi-badness that lasted a couple years as well. We still have our ups and downs, but somehow we managed to crawl from the hole we were in. I wish I could say how.
Take care.