Happy 'I'm not a mother' day...

And boy do I feel it today. My nephew got me an aunt happy mothers day card. While the sentiment was nice, it stung a bit. All in all, I'm doing well since the m/c but that coupled with the recent status of my marriage plus normal stresses, well it may have been sunny outside today but I felt cloudy and rainy all day. Its strange, I don't desperatly desire to be a mother anymore. I just feel...defeated. Maybe I'm a sore loser--

In any event, tonight was family dinner night. I asked dh to come and he did. Somehow I felt I needed that. In the last week, SIL has called twice to "check on me". The truth is she's trying to make me feel better by trying to side(?) with me. She runs dh down, saying things like "you were always too good for him", and other non helpful-make me want to slap the crap out of her comments about dh. I know she somehow thinks this is what I want to hear. Well, she's dead wrong. I KNOW HIM thanksverymuch. I LOVE HIM thanksverymuch. I kinda see it like this, she's your typical female, wanting to form some kind of sick bond while telling me how much better I can do than my dh. DRAMA,ugghhh. So I was very happy that he agreed to come tonight, I felt I needed him here, to protect me(or maybe to protect her from me). Strange how 2 faced she was, all nicey nice to him.

After everyone left, dh went out to his truck and brought me some flowers in. Its a mixed spring bouquet, very pretty. He explained how he wanted to get them for me since its mothers day(I'm not sure if this refers to the m/c or to trucker or both) but he wanted to do it in private. He made sure to tell me the flowers weren't a 'i'm sorry, i want you back' thing. Definately not that-more of a mothers day gift and thats it(he conveyed this in a round about not so many words kind of way). It was so strange, trying to talk to him, trying to make small talk. We're soooo NOT those type of people-at least not with one another.

I wanted to beg him back, to crawl on my hands and knees, to tell him I could change. To tell him we were made to be with each other forever. Part of me knows that I would be lying or at least unsure if I said all of that so I said nothing. I did say that I missed him. He answered with "me too". I don't know if I miss him so much because my routine is off, he's not here at night or if I miss the idea of living the rest of my life as I wished for so many years. I don't want to beg him back if 1) he doesn't want to be begged back and 2) its out of lonliness. I've got to get figured out what I want before I can go after it. And I've got to get in the right frame of mind to accept the fact that I've been a pretty miserable wife, and he may not want me back. Which leads to a whole 'nother can of worms....... My struggle with men and relationships since childhood-thanks dad. Won't get into that tonight tho-time for bed.

All the mothers get it over and over today so I want to wish all the non-mothers a happy day,even if I am posting this at the end of the day....happy day tomorrow,lol