fertile vs infertile...

my mind has been spinning with lots of this the past couple of days. here's what i think: fertiles think there's some kind of cool club they can't join if they find themselves unable to join a private IF chat forum. I can't figure out why they would want to join this club, its not a fun one. Most of us find these forums to be one of the only places we feel we can post anything regarding our struggles, our fears, our anger, resentment,etc without fear of being judged by our other infertile peers. We know we can't spread our hate and pain all over the world. We don't want to. We want to exchange our moans about it with other people experiencing the same thing, people who "get it". Pretty much like I fail to ever have children, I will never be a member of any of the mommy boards, even if I did lurk and post there, do you really think they'd want my imput on helping them raise their little ones? After all, what do I know about the topic- I don't fit in there, I have no children. It really is that cut and dry, different forums for differnt groups. Lurking on the other forums is perfectly fine I think IF YOU CAN HANDLE IT. If I can't stand to look at baby pics because it hurts too bad, well then I had better stay in my comfort zone, on the dark side. If mommys can't stand the negativity, the outright ugliness that sometimes comes with IF, well, then they should stay in their comfort zone. IT JUST MAKES SENSE!

We don't choose to be ugly or bitter or angry. Not at all. We do not sensor in our little corner of the world, neither should they....In a way, I can remember IF feeling worse in the beginning(the 1st couple of yrs did seem rough). I remember feeling desperate for it to happen right that second. I cried every lost chance, every cycle passed. I think they call that baby fever. At the time, it did suck, it was hard. Eventually you become more in the mindset of "I just want it to happen" rather than the "I want it to happen NOW"--the "NOW" one being the honeymoon stage of IF. The very hardest part comes later, when you finally begin to realize it may never happen. It took years for me to actually realize this, that it just doesn't happen for everyone and I may be one of the ones that doesn't get a child. Sounds simple huh? Well with that "simple realization" I'm giving up having a child to pass my genes to, a child to tuck in at night, a child to share hugs and kisses with. I'll never breastfeed, never hear babys first words, never be called "mommy", I'll never be anyones hero, I'll never get to bake cupcakes for school, or make halloween costumes, or play santa or the easter bunny or the tooth fairy. There will be no pitter patter on our floors, there will be no excitement on christmas morning, or comforting my child when they have chicken pox. No nursery to paint, no baby to rock to sleep, no first day of school, no first smile, no potty training, first steps, no summer vacations, easter egg hunts or finger paintings. No t ball games or soccer practices, no prom or graduation, no wedding, no grandbabys to cuddle and love and spoil rotten..... now in looking back over all of the yrs of ttc, THIS....THIS was the hardest part. It didn't compare to the "honeymoon" phase of ttc, before ttc was even IF. Those were the good ole days, when dh and i would giggle about how we'd do the nursery and talked about baby names. names that we'll never get to use. thats when you start making changes, saving pennys for REs, treatments. I had one last burst of "I'll never give up-even if i have to do 100 IUIs or IVF". Then I suddenly realized that even that might not do it. Sometimes, for some people, it just doesn't happen. ever. they remain childless. this is me now. its so much more than i ever would have thought of, its so much more grief than i realized it could ever be in those first couple of years. Either I am in the midst of acceptance of the whole thing or I've gotten so used to the pain that I don't feel it anymore. maybe both.

One mommy on a forum really bugged me by basically saying she deserves happiness, children are a blessing, why shoud she have to sensor herself? Well Duh, infertiles obviously know what a blessing children are or they wouldn't be going thorugh the things they have/are. Who would choose to spend thousands, risk their mental and physical health, their relationships and marriage, almost everything in their life for a CHANCE at having a child? Obviously someone who knows what a blessing children are, someone who knows the risks and still puts their heart and money on the line for the chance. The only real choice we have is to give it our all,risking everything we can afford to lose, and do all we can and hope we get pg and get a healthy child or just simply walk away from parenthood. Risk nothing, always wondering what if..... those are our choices as infertiles. So, if we can find comfort in others on a similiar path as ours, why would anyone want to make that more difficult for us?


I could go on and on and on BUT I'm going on the 3rd night of crap sleep. not cool with me, I need my sleep.this post became much much more personal than i intended it to be but screw it, i wrote what i wanted and since its my blog, i can get away with that. besides, after so many years of trying, how could i keep it impersonal?

peace