After being with my mom this evening in wal mart and listening to her chit chat with an old friend she ran in to, it dawned on me as she was bragging to this lady about my nephew, I'll never do that. I'll never say "my grandkids blah blah blah". Now, I've gotten really used to answering the questions about not having children and I always figured that was just a part of life, like maybe people would quit asking once they assumed I was beyond child bearing years?? I'm not really sure what I thought but now I realize, this is a life long thing. Once they quit asking me if I have kids, then it will be "how many grandkids do you have?" Followed by them showing me pictures of all thier grandkids. Then I started thinking about my funeral, I guesss they'll just skip over the part of listing any survivors. Anywho, its not a sad thing, even if it sounds like a pity party, its just a realization.
Another realization, and I told h(no longer dh) this the other day, I don't want to be married to him anymore if it doesn't change. Not at all. I miss him, I love him like mad, but I simply haven't been happily married for over a good year now. Granted, it isn't always gonna be rainbows and butterflies BUT to not be happy for over a year in a marriage? That simply isn't right. Life is plain and simple too short to not be happy. And no one else can provide that for you, its something you have to find for yourself. He hasn't been happy either. We do still want to try to make it work, but not at the expense of an unfulfilled unhappy life. At this stage, we're just cooling off I guess. We've been talking daily but its so hard for him to open up and communicate with me. I try to encourage him but its just so tiring. I end up letting my temper flair and getting angry. Afterall, I'm not aksing for the unthinkable. I just want him to tell me how he feels, what he wants. Its sad that its so hard for him. And sad that I'm so hot headed towards him, and so impatient. I have to keep working on that, for sure.
6 years ago
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I had this realisation a while ago (re the grand kids et al) and it wasn't pretty. Plus 'no one to look after me in my old age' as well. Not having children affects such a huge tract of a person's life, it isn't just about birth to adolescence. It's huge.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry your (d)h is unable to open up and communicate with you. I imagine the frustration that would come with that, and the disappointment for not being able to work things out if someone is not willing to share their feelings and desires. You can't do it on your own, so if he won't join in, you can't do it. You CAN change yourself and hope he follows suit, but you don't get much say if that happens or not.
You are right that life's too short to be unhappy. Nothing should be at the expense of an unfulfilled life. Here's to finding your fulfilment, wherever it may be.
And thank you for your thoughtful comment on my recent post. It means a lot to me. xx
Last year I was very surprised by how ANGRY I was at my husband. And I was EXTRA angry when he couldn't find the words to explain anthing about himself.
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