emotional exhaustion

I feel so beat emotionally sometimes. I look perfectly fine on the outside. I have no fever, am not sick to my stomache but deeper than any of that, I feel like life has beat the crap out of me. Sometimes I long to be the carefree girl I used to be. But thats gone, I've been defeated. My spirit has been broken.

My marriage is still so rocky. Sometimes I love him more than words can say and other times I.... well i hate him. I'm caught somewhere between the fairy tale marriage is supposed to be and the hell that marriage can be. Sometimes I feel happy and sometimes I am so filled with anger, and feel so alone. As stated before communication has always been an issue in our marriage. I have finally figured out that I'm partly responsible for that. See marriage is supposed to be 50/50. HA! I think most people who would tell you their marriage is always 50/50 are just trying to fool you and themselves in the process. I think most marriages are like ours, someone wears the pants at least 60% of the time and the other goes with it. I don't see how it could work any other way, seriously. If you've got 2 people who are completely passive, nothing will ever be decided upon, nothing will ever happen. If you've got 2 super controllers, nothing but fights and head butting will go on. Well I gotta admit, I'm the pants wearer in this family. DH was allready passive when we got married but over the years, its gotten worse. For some reason(maybe laziness) I took the reins, made all the decisions probally immasculating my husband in the time being. It had gotten so bad, I just felt like he was on board with whatever so I quit asking how he felt/what he wanted. Even now if I ask what he wants for dinner its always something like"I don't care, whatever" even tho he does have a preferance. Its irritating. The biggest problem with this is if I make a bad decision on my own, and it backfires, I feel left alone as the one to take the blame. I made the decision, I screwed up, lay the blame on me. solely. alone. Its ALL my fault. Its a lonely feeling.

In any event, we're both working on it. Sometimes me harder than him. Sometimes I think its a lost cause, like it will never be what I always hoped it would be....one of my friends asked me what it is exactly that I want to change. Its hard to say really. I know I need more communication, I want things to be more 50/50 or at least closer to that. I don't want to ever feel emotinally lonely in my marriage. I don't just want to stay married but I want to be happily married. Now I realize, there are bumps, we've been through a lot of them in these 9 yrs. things won't always be perfect, but I want to feel like we're experiencing these things together. I want us to be a team.

Something kinda weird, I always thought when peoples marriages were unstable that there was lots of fights, things being thrown around, lots of screaming, that kind of thing. We have never really been the type to have more than a tiny hiccup here and there in the way of arguements. But maybe thats because of his passive nature, and my nature to take charge which by the way I know needs to change as well, in order for him to become more agressive, I have to step back a little. I know it won't be easy. for either of us.

anywho-time to take little man outside to potty before bed. most of the stuff i planned on getting done this afternoon got missed. I ended up going with my nephew and mom to my cousins dance recital. it was so stinkin' cute.